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Lee Felix Fic! Recommendations

(pt 1) my blog tw! — some chapters/oneshots may contain heavy smut,horror,angst read at your ownrisk. 🕷️ — smut 🐈‍⬛ — fluff 🐦‍⬛— angst

CHURCH – Chase Atlantic

▶• ||ıı|||ıı|||||ı|ıı|ı. 0:30

! Miniseries + synopsis

TWIN FLAME by @/seospicybin

• 🕷️🐈‍⬛🐦‍⬛

— Back home for a summer holiday, you meet the new next-door boy, Felix, who will turn your summer into a burning bright one.

HAPPY PILLS by @/seospicybin

•🕷️🐈‍⬛🐦‍⬛

— For the most talented dancer slash the most popular boy in art school, Felix could date anyone at his choosing but he chooses you instead, even though the whole school knows you’re a ticking bomb that could go off any time.

ON TOUR by @/seospicybin

•🕷️🐈‍⬛🐦‍⬛

— Your best friend, Felix, is in a rock band and he takes you to join him on tour as the band's photographer. On the road, you learn how to deal with his bandmate, Hyunjin, who's not very welcoming of you .

Weathering your shades of blue by @/blossomwritesthings

• 🕷️🐈‍⬛🐦‍⬛

— ever since you were born, all you've ever known is living a simple life in the small australian coastal town of bridgeport bay. you're content with working at your parent's beachside restaurant angel waves for the rest of your life, and you're happy with your place in the world - you have good friends and an even better boyfriend. that is, until everything comes to a standstill when a familiar face from the past visits town for the summer. and in the wake of his return, lee felix upturns everything you thought you were content with here in your comforting little beach town.

! Oneshots/Drabbles

SUNSHINE by @/j-One25

• 🕷️🐈‍⬛🐦‍⬛

— You officially hit rock bottom. Living in a shitty apartment in a foreign city, recently broken up with your cheating boyfriend and overall just done with everything, you decide to at least have a little bit of fun when reinstalling that useless dating app.

WINGS by @/j-One25

• 🕷️

— “Oh, poor Y/N, what happened to you?” Felix, your favourite fairy, asks once he witnesses your drenched clothes.

SWAN LAKE by @/j-One25

• 🕷️🐈‍⬛🐦‍⬛

— Felix has always been a hopeless romantic and believes he always will be. His life gives him hope again, when he meets you all unexpectedly for the first time.

HURRICANE by @/j-One25

•🕷️🐈‍⬛

— Freezing in your apartment due to a heater problem, it seems as if only one person can save you - your enemy Felix

but I'll know by @/yeahspider

• 🐦‍⬛

— one hour . that’s how long felix had to wait before he could see you again .

Already over by @/yeahspider

• 🕷️🐦‍⬛

— saying that what you guys had was never good to begin with . but they wouldn’t get it . because they’ve never been loved by lee felix .

Casual by @/yeahspider

• 🕷️

— felix was never good at taking it slow . when he loved someone who loved them fast and intensely. and it was no different when it came to you .

Why does it hurt? by @/skz317cb97

•🐦‍⬛

— When your soulmate Felix can feel everything you feel he wonders, why does it always hurt?

Untitled #6 by @/matryosika

• 🕷️

— It was an accident. He didn’t mean to see that. He was just curious.

Untitled #8 by @/matryosika

•🕷️

— He was always unpredictable. There was always something else hiding behind that warm smile and those bright eyes —something that, not even in a million years you would dare to figure out.

Voice by @/matryosika

•🕷️🐦‍⬛

— "you are doing so well, precious" felix says

Always leave it to @petrichor-han to write the best angst out there, honestly! Play with your feelings from the right angles!

I loved how it wasn't the happy ending everybody wishes for cuz life doesn't always work out in the end! And that just makes it all the more exciting!

red desert | h.hj

PAIRING | hyunjin x afab!reader

CAST | hwang hyunjin, yoo jimin (karina), kim minjeong (winter), mentions of felix lee, uchinaga aeri (giselle), ning yizhuo (ningning)

WC | 10.2k

GENRE | angst, fwb, college!au

WARNINGS | explicit language, casual marijuana usage, alcohol consumption, sexual references & jokes

SYNOPSIS | inspired by the song “red desert” by 5SOS. // you won't admit that you're in love with hwang hyunjin, and he won't admit that he's in love with you either. instead, he asks you to accompany him on a trip into the desert, where everything comes to the surface in between grains of red sand and fractured sunlight.

A/N | this is aggressively american and also loosely based off of the camping trip that i went on with my fwb last october. let’s just say that a 6 hour car ride and three days in the desert with him solidified some things and we haven’t spoken since. (same note as the teaser)

request to be added to current and future taglists HERE!

MASTERLIST | RAIN’S PLAYLIST

The day that he asked you to go with him, his hair was red. You remember because he’d been blonde for so long that you couldn’t remember how he looked with his natural color. He was the type of person to dye it so often that his roots hardly ever showed any signs of growth, because he claimed that he hated when people let their dyed hair grow out, even though that was normal and quite frankly, what ninety-nine percent of the population with dyed hair tended to do.

You’d run your fingers through his split ends and dry blonde locks, telling him maybe he should give the bleach a rest. But he shook his head, shook off your hold, and firmly said that he liked how he looked blonde. Other people liked how he looked blonde.

You liked how he looked blonde.

And it was true—his hair was the reason he caught your eye when he walked into the room that night. His silvery locks caught the neon lights bouncing off the disco ball drilled into the ceiling and made you turn your attention away from the semi-hot, semi-lame guy you were chatting up, hoping to get laid after a particularly long dry spell. You’d excused yourself, shaking your empty red Solo cup in his face, making his eyes cross slightly as you yelled, “I need another drink!” over the loud music. You didn’t bother to wait around for a response, cutting through the crowd and feeling sticky skin and damp fabric clinging to you as you pushed past people to try and reach the boy with blonde hair.

He’d settled against the wall, right next to the kitchen so that people were constantly pushing past him and putting him in an awkward position. Clearly, this wasn’t really his scene. But as you gasped, nearly toppling over as you escaped the tightly knit crowd into the outskirts, you looked up and saw him passing a loosely wrapped joint to his friend, lithe fingers carefully handling the badly wrapped object, as if it could fall apart at any moment. And honestly, it looked like it could. He turned his attention to you as you straightened up, blowing a cloud of smoke to the side as he looked you up and down, one side of his mouth turning upwards. He seemed to like what he was seeing as you walked over and perched yourself on the wall right next to him. His friend seemed to feel the tension before either of you two did, and edged away, busying himself with another person that had escaped the crowd. 

“Is it always this busy here?” he asked you, shoving his hands into the pockets of his loose jeans. 

His voice. He had the most gorgeous voice you’d ever heard, and you practically melted into a puddle on the sticky, beer-covered floor. 

“I mean, free alcohol and hot guys? Who wouldn’t come here on a Saturday night?” you ask. You realize now that you’ve lost your cup somewhere, probably back in the crowd. Your throat is dry, and you wish you had a sip of something to take away your nervousness—you weren’t quite tipsy yet. 

“The guys at TKE are gross,” the guy said, wrinkling his nose. “Trust me. I used to be friends with some of them.” 

“All guys are gross,” you counter. 

“Fine. But take my word for it—the ones at TKE are especially gross.” 

“And how can I trust what you say?” Your words are accusatory, but your tone is flirty, and the guy picks up on it as you move closer to him, mostly to edge further away from the kitchen entrance as a pair of extremely drunk girls stumble towards the guy passing out drinks. 

“Maybe my name will provide some credibility?” he says, nudging his friend with the badly wrapped joint as he passes by, hand in hand with someone in leather pants. The friend rolls his eyes but hands him a cart, which the guy accepts and hits once before offering it to you. 

You start to decline, but the way he wiggles it enticingly makes you change your mind for some reason, and you mimic him, taking a big hit before handing it back to him, coughing a little as you turn your head and blow the smoke away. “Alright, so what’s your name?” you ask, eyes watering. You can already feel the high settling in as your eyes twitch a little—but it’s a comfortable high. You can tell it’s not too strong. 

“Hwang Hyunjin.” He sticks his hand out to you, and you smirk and shake it. 

“That name means nothing to me,” you admit. 

“Not yet.” 

And that’s how you end up breaking your three month streak of getting zero bitches—having the most mind blowing sex of your life in the back of Hwang Hyunjin’s bright red car in the middle of buttfuck nowhere. 

It’s not the first time, and it’s certainly not the last. You and Hyunjin, though you wouldn’t consider yourself friends—not really—are closer than most people would be comfortable with getting to their disposable orgasm machine. Which is a nice way of saying that you had a hopeless, dopey crush on your friend-with-benefits, and he seemed to be completely oblivious. 

Such obliviousness was worse than flat out rejection, in your mind. At least if he straight up told you to go fuck yourself, you wouldn’t feel bad about stalking his mom’s Facebook posts from 2013 to find pictures of a pimply, flat haired Hyunjin to save to your blackmail folder. Nor would you feel bad about downing endless cartons of ice cream while you put off showering for a week and a half. 

But this—this limbo that you two were seemingly stuck in? It’s agonizing. It’s fucking excruciating. You think you have a chance when he’s fucking you from behind, one hand clasped around your throat as he tells you “how fuckin’ beautiful” you look as you’re getting your cunt destroyed. But then you feel like a dirty whore when he gets up right after he finishes and starts checking his dating apps right in front of you. 

“Have some fucking self respect,” your friend said to you firmly, after you cried in her arms after one of these fuck-and-dumps happened. It was too much seeing him match with this gorgeous girl and slide into her DM’s with a really bad pick up line. If the jealousy because of this random girl’s beauty wasn’t enough, the corny shit he thought would get her in his bed did it for you. 

You throw back the covers, the sticky stale air hitting your naked skin. Hyunjin barely glances at you as you stand up and start pulling your clothes on roughly. He only notices when you’re tying your shoelaces and picking up your tote bag that you’re actually leaving. 

“Where are you going?” he asks lamely, blinking slowly at you. The stupid pothead had taken two long hits from the dirty orange bong sitting on his nightstand right after he came on your tits, and it was clearly getting to him. 

“Home,” you say, trying to keep your tone light. 

“Oh. Okay. See you later.” He turns his attention back to his phone, where you can see that the pretty girl has responded. You feel a tug in your chest as you gnaw on your bottom lip and turn on your heel to stomp out of his room. The aged wooden floors creaked and moaned beneath your harsh steps; you were sure that Felix, whose room was also in the basement, now lived in fear that the ceiling would collapse onto his head. 

“Bye, (Y/N),” one of his friends called as you rushed by. You feel your face warm with embarrassment; when did everyone get back? Hyunjin told you they were all out seeing some classically boring hetero male film in theaters, and would probably go bar hopping afterwards. Nope—all seven of his housemates were crowded into the cramped living room, watching a chick flick from 2004 where the attractive female main characters were at a nudist beach. You tried not to let your eyelid twitch at the incredible amount of male energy in the room. That, and the entire house just reeked of pot, more so than usual. 

You manage to mumble out a goodbye before slamming the front door behind you. You have to take a moment to breathe in the fresh air and recollect yourself, letting the pieces that Hyunjin metaphorically broke off of you find their way back home. You’re a strong person—you know that he can’t really hurt you, not really. Especially not when you agreed to something casual, nothing serious. Not now, not ever. 

It’s autumn, and campus is starting to look like it. You’re lucky enough to study somewhere with the most gorgeous scenery—it’s pretty year round, but when the leaves change colors in the fall, it’s impossible to look away. There’s a slight bite to the breeze that sweeps through you suddenly, blowing the few fallen crispy leaves across the sidewalk. They rasp and crinkle underneath your boots as you walk down the oddly steep stairs that leads to their front door, and you can feel your spirits lifting with each step you take away from his house. You barely even glance at the bright red car sitting in the driveway, amongst at least four others. 

You pull your sweater closer to your body as your teeth chatter. The wind had more of a slight bite now—there’s a full on chill that rattles you down to your bones. 

At least, you think, Jimin’s apartment isn’t too far from here. 

Jimin lives right off campus, a few streets down from Hyunjin and his roommates. Though you enjoy Jimin’s place a lot more, you can’t help but prefer the mornings when you wake up at Hyunjin’s, simply because the walk to class is so quick and easy—you can see the edge of campus from Seungmin’s bedroom window. 

As you walk up to her apartment and pound on the door with a tight fist, you can’t help but crack a smile at the corny wooden sign that’s hanging on it—it’s covered in chunky orange glitter and says “IT’S FALL, Y’ALL” in curly brown letters. You assumed that Aeri, one of Jimin’s roommates, bought it—mostly because you’d seen her post a picture of her autumnal shopping haul on her Instagram story. It was cute, in a specific kind of way. Only someone like Aeri could pull it off. 

Jimin opens the door quickly, and scans your slightly disheveled appearance. “You have to stop this,” she says immediately.

“Please. I could stop whenever I wanted to, but I simply don’t want to.” You nudge her aside and walk in, and she crosses her arms and scowls at you. She’s mad. Not because you waltzed in like you own the place—you were practically their fifth roommate—but because you kept letting yourself get hurt by this douchey guy, and she was left to pick up the pieces. As much as she loved you, your denial was driving her insane. 

“Don’t lie,” she snapped. 

You wince at her tone. “Rina…” you mumble, using a nickname. Her expression softens. She guides you to the couch, where her other roommate Minjeong is asleep on one end, only her feet sticking out from a plush green blanket. You know it’s her because you were there when she painted her toenails dark blue and spilled the rest of the bottle onto the beige carpet in Jimin’s room. It left a massive dark stain, but after shifting Jimin’s dresser a few inches over, you and Minjeong got away with it. Until they moved out at the end of the school year, at least. 

You sit down on the free side of the couch. The slight movement jostles Minjeong ever so slightly, and she snorts a little in her sleep before curling up in a ball underneath the blanket, pulling her feet back underneath. Now, the only sign of life was the gentle, slight rising and falling of her breathing. You couldn’t see her moving at all unless you looked very closely. 

Jimin re-enters the room, holding two steaming mugs in her delicate, pretty hands. She hands you one of the mugs before sitting down on the chair—the one next to the couch, that desperately needs to be thrown out—and sinks into it uncomfortably. Her knees are almost touching her chest because of how far down she slid. She watches you carefully until you take a sip, and you sigh contentedly—it’s mulled wine, with just a splash of cream. 

“What happened this time?” she asked, taking a sip of her own wine. You can hear the disappointment in her voice and it makes your insides squirm with guilt. 

“He was on Tinder again.”

“Oh?”

“Right after he came on my tits.”

“Oh.” 

Jimin sucks in a deep breath through her teeth, and you can tell it’s bad. Her gaze drops to your chest, though it’s covered by your sweater. 

“Stop,” you whine, placing your arms across your chest. Your wine almost sloshes over the ceramic rim of the pale blue mug. 

“I just feel bad,” she groans, putting her mug down on the coffee table and massaging her temples. “There’s nothing I can do, but you just feel like shit all the time.” 

“Not all the time!” you say, feeling defensive. 

Jimin stares you down. “Fine,” she sighs. “Not all the time. But anyways—you can’t keep doing this. I love you, and this is why I have to tell you: it’s getting pathetic.” 

“You think I don’t know that?” you snap. You slam your mug down. Dark red splashes over the edge and onto the slightly dusty surface of the table. Jimin’s gaze snaps to the mess, her eyes flashing. 

You burst into tears. 

“I know, I know it’s stupid. I know he’s stupid. I know I shouldn’t be crying about him, and I know that it’s getting on your nerves.” You sniffle loudly. “I think it’s time. I can’t keep doing this.” 

You feel a small but comforting hand on your shoulder. You look over, and find that Minjeong has awoken. Her eyes are slightly puffy, and her short black hair is mussed. But she retains her beauty, her cute features blurred only slightly by grogginess. “Good for you,” she says before yawning widely, “he’s an asshole.”

“He is an asshole,” Jimin says sorely. But she nudges you a little so she can sit on your other side. She puts a comforting arm around you. “We’re here for you.” 

You start to cry again. 

---

Your phone is ringing. 

Bright blue light fills the small dark room, and your eyes snap open immediately. You cover the screen with your hands, looking around wildly to make sure it didn’t wake up anyone else. It’s to no avail; the room is pitch black and you can’t see shit. But you can hear Minjeong’s little snuffly snores, Jimin shifting around in her silk pajamas, Aeri letting out a little groan, and Yizhou smacking her lips all in different corners of the room.

You yawn silently, stretching your arms above your head and picking up your phone in one hand, walking over and opening the door with the other. The short hallway is dark and the floors are creaky and cold on your bare feet. When you reach the main room, you finally lift up your phone, which hasn’t stopped vibrating this entire time. Your heart stops for a moment when you realize who’s calling you. 

Hwang Hyunjin. 

The name glows in bright white letters on your phone screen. His generic, blank contact photo—you refused to put a real picture of him there—glares at you. You gnaw on your thumb nail nervously but ultimately decide to pick up. 

“Hello?” Your voice is cold and thin in the thick black darkness of night. You walk over to the window, and push aside the curtain. The silky material washes over your fingers, cooling their clammy surface. 

“Hey. I’m outside.” Hyunjin’s voice is rich and thick in contrast. It’s sort of raspy, like he just woke up. Then it registers—he’s outside? 

“What do you mean?” Your mouth is dry.

“I’m outside your apartment. Can you come out?” 

“I’m not there right now.” Your heart is pounding in your chest. You can only imagine what your roommates would think of some guy waiting outside for you. Luckily, they were both out of town at the moment. You hoped no one else saw or recognized him, but who were you kidding—he wasn’t fooling anyone with that damn bright red car. 

“Oh.” There’s a brief silence. “Where are you, then?” 

“Um, I'm over at a friend’s place. Jimin’s. Yoo Jimin.” 

Why did you give him her full name? You didn’t know. 

“Oh, yeah. I think I know her. What’s the address? I can be there soon.” 

You bite down too hard on your nail and taste blood, from where you ripped it from the skin. “What? Why? Why are you—why are you looking for me right now?” 

Again, there’s a brief silence before he replies. “I’m… leaving for a little bit. I’m going camping, and I was wondering if you would come with me.” 

You stare blankly out at the clear night sky. “Are you serious right now?” you ask, chuckling in disbelief. 

“Yeah, of course I’m serious.” 

“You realize how sketchy this sounds, right?” 

“Don’t you trust me?” he drawls, sounding defensive. “If you don’t tell me where you are, I can’t come pick you up. And I will be forced to knock on every door in your building until someone can tell me this Jimin’s address.” 

“Do not do that,” you hiss, “I’ll give it to you, just… give me a second. I’ll text it to you.” 

“See you soon,” he managed to get in before you pressed the red END CALL button roughly. You quickly type in Jimin’s address, your clammy fingers sliding all over your slippery phone screen. You then sneak back into Jimin’s room, where you keep at least half of your wardrobe and a few spare self care items. For the amount of time you spent there, it would be weird if you didn’t keep some of your personal items there. Using your phone to light up the room, you stuff a few clothing items into a spare backpack and toss in a few other miscellaneous items. Camping, he’d said? He better have extra gear for you, or else he can count on dropping you off at your place. 

Your phone lights up again just as you close the door to Jimin’s bedroom. It’s just one word: Here. 

You quickly type out a text to Jimin, telling her the truth even though you knew you’d get your ass beat when you got back. It ends with you promising that this is the last time, that this is the closure you need. It’s half bullshit, half what you truly believe, and you just hope that she doesn’t see through it completely. You sigh, and exit the apartment. 

You’re still dressed in your pajamas, an old t-shirt and sweats. Your previous outfit from the day is somewhere at the bottom of your bag. The night air is crisp and cold, and you can see your breath in the air when you exhale. Your fingers are starting to slow due to the cold as they grip the handles of your backpack. 

As soon as you round the corner, you can see Hyunjin’s car. The engine is roaring, loud. Exhaust clouds around the car, pale white in the cold. He sees you as soon as you see him and rolls down his window, a wide grin on his stupidly handsome face. And his hair is red. Bright crimson, the color of something sweet and artificial. 

You can’t hide the shock on your face as you walk over, cupping a hand over your mouth. “Your hair!” you exclaim softly. You reach his window, and he lets you touch his silky scarlet locks. 

“What do you think?” he asks smugly. 

“It’s different. Looks nice,” you say honestly. You walk over to the other side of the car and toss your backpack in the back before settling into the passenger seat. The heated seats are nice on your chilled skin, and you hold your numb hands up to the warm heat that’s blowing from the vents. Hyunjin reaches over, his big hand gripping your cold thigh through your thick sweats. He squeezes the flesh there. 

“Missed you,” he admitted. He keeps his eyes on the road. 

“Did you now?” you ask, staring at the neon green number on the dashboard. It reads 4:47 AM, blinking in the darkness. 

“I did!” he insists, “that’s why I’m here now.” 

“What is this?” you blurt out. 

You watch the muscles in his jaw tense as he clenches. His skin looks green from the light of the glowing numbers. “It’s a camping trip,” he says thickly, nodding to the equipment stuffed in the backseat. At least that answers your question of whether or not he brought stuff for you. 

“You know that’s not what I mean.” You sound firm, sure of yourself. A lot surer than you actually are.

Hyunjin has stopped smiling completely. “Can we not talk about this now?” 

“Then when? I’ve waited months. I’ve tried to bring it up. And all you do is dodge it and change the subject. If you don’t answer me right now, I’m jumping out of this car.” You’re yelling, your voice filling the expanse of the vehicle. 

He slams on the brakes, then takes a deep breath and properly pulls over. He turns off the car, and the two of you are left in darkness. The only thing you can hear is your own blood pumping through your ears; the sharp nervousness and reality of what you just said sinking in. Finally, he lets out a short breath, an attempt at a laugh. “I don’t know. It’s what we said it was when we met. Isn’t it?” His voice is low, and you’re unable to decipher any feeling in it. 

“Well, yeah…” you trail off. Your voice sounds small and pathetic. Your request only sounds more pathetic. 

“Then that’s what it still is,” he says carefully, “nothing serious.” 

“Of course,” you say quickly. There’s so much more you wanted to say—you wanted to slap him in the face for even daring to say that, for shutting you down and playing stupid. Is it a little over dramatic? Maybe, but you can feel your anger bubbling in your stomach, salty tears burning the rims of your eyes. For once, you’re thankful for the cover of night. 

That’s when the sun starts to rise. When Hyunjin starts the car again after you both refuse to break the silence, the sound of the engine starting up does the job for you. It roars to life, tiny neon lights flashing in your face as he pulls back onto the road and continues the drive. You know he knows—he isn’t an idiot. If he didn’t know before, he knows now that you’re hoping for something more from him. He knows that you want him in a different way now, that obviously other things in your relationship have changed which led to your feelings changing. 

Warmth finally breaches the seemingly eternal darkness of night. Black turns to dark blue, which turns greenish at the horizon with the arrival of the sun, which exudes warm rays of orange and yellow and pink, expanding as the sun reclaims its spot in the sky. You watch silently as your surroundings start to appear before your eyes; other cars on the road in all different muted colors, a stark contrast to the colorful wildflowers that are growing by the side of the road. uncontained and free. Fluorescent signs are staked into the ground every so often, telling you that there’s construction ahead or that you need to slow down. You peer out the window at the car next to you; a couple sits in the front, laughing together at some presumed inside joke. You’re jealous, watching their mouths move in unison. Are they singing the same song? Their song? 

At the next stoplight, Hyunjin quickly picks up his phone, scrolling through it while trying to keep an eye on the lights. 

“I’ll tell you when it changes, just hurry up,” you say, nervous as you watch him do exactly what you shouldn’t do when you’re behind the wheel. 

He shoots you a withering look but finds what he’s looking for. The catchy constant of his playlist cuts suddenly, and you hear a song you love playing over the speakers. He turns it up just a little so that the lyrics are clearer, and he tries to watch your reaction—subtly, or so he thinks. You can’t help the warmth that blooms across your face, the surprise at his tenderness. He remembers, you think, that I showed him this song all those months ago. 

The gentle voice of the singer warbles in your ears as you sigh happily, leaning back into your seat and drifting off into a calm sleep, visions of plentiful wildflowers and red haired princes filling your dreams. 

---

It’s not like you’re asleep the whole time—you wake up when he stops at a gas station, about halfway there. You come to when the car slows to a stop; you open your eyes to see Hyunjin getting out of the car and squinting at the gas prices in disbelief. He had noticed you stirring and grins at you, somewhat sheepishly. 

“If you need to use the bathroom or something, now’s the time.” He pulls out his phone, looking at a colorful map, and points out the long, winding road ahead. “We won’t hit another stop until we get there.” 

You stifle a yawn and rub your eyes, nodding. It’s warmer here—you’re further south, and the sun is high in the sky. You guess that it’s a bit after noon, and when you check your phone that only confirms it. 

The lights inside the gas station are just as harsh and white as they are at midnight. One of the long, exposed bulbs flickers at the far end, near the ice cream that’s probably expired. You’ve never really disliked gas stations—really, you just never thought about it—but now, as you stare at the hostile face of the cashier, their beady eyes watching your every move, as if they suspected you already, you want to get out of there as soon as possible. 

The bathroom is somehow worse. There’s a singular shred of toilet paper left on the barren brown roll, and there’s no replacement in sight. There’s stains everywhere, both fresh and old, which makes you wonder about the last time it was properly cleaned. You leave as quickly as possible, scrubbing your hands roughly with the nameless neon pink hand soap and trying to kick the door open with your foot—the handle is crusty, and you don’t want to touch it. 

The cashier is still watching you when you walk out, and they continue to eye you as you try to ignore the stare and pick up a bag of pretzels. You pay, avoiding eye contact, and speed walk out of the doors. 

It’s actually hot outside now, even though it’s well into autumn. You’re grateful that you kept your t-shirt on and denied when Hyunjin offered you one of his hoodies. Your forehead already feels damp, and you dab at it with a hand as you walk back towards the red car. 

Hyunjin stands beside it, watching his tank fill up and bopping his head to music. He’s put his own playlist back on now, much to your disappointment, but you weren’t about to let him know that. He notices you as soon as you walk up beside the car and get back into the passenger seat, leaning back and opening your bag of pretzels. 

“You really trust any of the food from that gas station?” he asks. His voice is muffled, so you roll down the window and shrug in response. He leans over, and opens his mouth, wordlessly asking for one. 

“Hypocrite,” you mumble, but you shove one in his mouth anyways. He catches it with his perfect pearly teeth, and gives you a toothy smile, showing it off. 

“Thanks,” he says around the dry mouthful. The crumbs that sprayed from his mouth as he spoke probably should have turned you off, but you only found it endearing—another piece of evidence that suggested you were hopelessly pining for this man. 

Finally, he himself gets back in the car and you’re back on the road. Some might call you cynical, but you think you can only appreciate the scenery for so long, and it doesn't take you long to fall asleep again. The constant movement of the vehicle puts you to sleep easily, and the several late nights you’d been pulling because of looming midterms only added to it. It’s only when you feel yourself lurch to the side heavily that your eyes snap open, but you feel safe and secure. A strong arm pins you to your seat, and when you look down at it you realize that you’ve also been covered with a hoodie, draped over your front like a blanket. It’s dark green, and it smells strongly of Hyunjin’s cologne. “Sorry,” he says, and you turn to look at him, confused, as he takes his arm off of you. “Some idiot cut in front of me and I swerved a little. We’re almost there though, so it’s good that you’re awake now.” 

“Thanks,” you say shortly, your mind still fuzzy from sleep and the two kind gestures. 

You watch as the winding road ahead slowly turns to a dirt path, pebbles getting caught in the tires as Hyunjin grimaces and tries to steady his precious car. He pulls off of the path when you reach a small clearing, only a few trees and dry bushes to cover you. You stiffen, looking around for some sort of bathroom—really, any building—but to no avail. “Where are we?” you ask nervously, “this feels like the plot of a horror movie.” 

“I come here a lot with my friends, it’s a really nice campsite,” he says, almost defensively. “And I wouldn’t murder you. If I wanted to, I would have a long time ago.” 

“Yeah, because that’s reassuring,” you mutter, to which he casts a withering look at you in response. “Just saying…” you say under your breath, though you’re fairly sure he hears you regardless. 

He parks the car, but not before giving you another sour look as he gets out and starts unloading the camping supplies from the back of his car. You help, but soon wander off in search of something more interesting. You leave him to struggle alone with the new tent he’d bought—apparently, it didn’t come with directions, and he didn’t take it nicely when you suggested that he’d probably just misplaced them. You can still hear him cursing as he struggles with the poles as you walk over a small hill and peer at all of the desert flora and fauna. Upon first glance, the landscape is literally a barren desert—there’s nothing but sand and a few scrappy plants amongst the rocky, pebbly terrain. But as you crouch down to stare at a singular crispy looking bush, you see some light green buds on the branches, and the beginnings of perhaps some blossoms. Small insects crawl over the new life, seemingly anticipating its arrival. Momentarily, you think of the possibility of larger, more dangerous wildlife, but you brush that thought away as you admire a massive brown cricket leap out of your way. 

“Thanks for all the help,” a sarcastic voice calls from behind you. You stand up, emerging from the squatting position you’d been in, and chuckle at Hyunjin as he approaches you, bare feet sinking into the warm sand. 

“It seemed like you had it under control,” is your cool reply while you shift around awkwardly, trying to ignore the heaps of sand pouring into your sneakers. His gaze drops to your covered feet, and now it’s his turn to chuckle. 

“It’s a lot easier if you just take off your shoes,” he says matter-of-factly, and you bite your tongue to avoid mocking his tone, trying to bend down to reach your shoelaces without falling onto your face. 

Wordlessly, he walks over and kneels in the sand to do it for you, making you feel guilty for being bitchy again. He slips them off your feet, and you peel off your socks as well, feeling immediate relief as your skin touches the sand. Hyunjin dumps out your shoes, the sheer amount of sand in them making you both giggle. “Isn’t that better?” he asks triumphantly, waiting for praise, and you shrug, trying to hide your smile from him. He notices this and walks over, grabbing your waist and kissing you until you break into a grin and you’re laughing aloud, pulling away so you don’t literally laugh into his mouth. “You’re so cute,” he sighs, pulling you into his side and ruffling your hair. You appreciate this much less—it makes you feel like a child. So you squirm out of his grasp and take a few steps away, in the direction of his car. 

“Did you finish setting everything up?” you ask, clearing your throat before to at least attempt to provide a conversational transition between his compliments and your question. 

He seems a little offended that you pulled away so fast, but his facial expression remains unchanged; he isn’t going to let you know that it bothered him. Is it even within his rights to get annoyed at that? That’s more boyfriend status, he thinks, and then he opens his mouth to reply. “Only the tent, everything else is still just in a pile right next to it.” 

“I’ll help now,” you say with false brightness, speeding off in that direction. You clutch your shoes and socks in one hand, the other clenched into a fist. You can hear his footsteps a short distance behind you, but you don’t stop to wait for him. You don’t stop until you’ve reached the campsite again and you see exactly what he was talking about, with all of the bags haphazardly piled right beside it. “You didn’t lie,” you say, scanning the equipment. 

“Why would I?” he counters, but playfully. 

Slowly, the two of you unpack the necessary things, rolling out your sleeping bags, organizing toiletries and taking out hiking equipment—to which you firmly denied going on a hike in the damn desert. Hyunjin pouted, but brushed it off by saying that he liked hiking alone best anyways, and that you could have fun at the boiling hot campsite by yourself while he explored trails deeper into the site. Keeping up your act, you tell him to have fun, and leave it at that. Surprisingly, you don’t notice the way his face falls slightly as he realizes that you really don’t mind not spending time with him. 

The late afternoon sun is blazing, unbearably hot. You retreat to the tent, which provides little to no comfort—there were no trees around to set it up in the shade, and Hyunjin insisted that you weren’t supposed to pitch a tent underneath trees anyways. Especially here, he said seriously as he smoothed out his sleeping bag, the branches are all so dry that they could fall on our heads any time. You fought the urge to say that you’d prefer a crispy branch falling on the tent over sweating your skin off in the direct sunlight. 

A bead of sweat rolls down the back of your neck. You can feel the hairs that gather at the nape of your neck and how they’re plastered to your skin from the damp heat. You pat the area gingerly with your hand, feeling it come away wet. Your phone is charging, but you’re trying to stay off it to preserve the battery life on your portable charger. Instead of scrolling endlessly through random apps and social media, you’re grumpily sitting on top of your sleeping bag with your legs criss-crossed, slowly chewing a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Luckily, Hyunjin had brought a lot of food—more than enough to sustain you for the duration of the trip. It shouldn’t be that long anyways; you both have to be back on campus by the time the weekend is over. 

“The sun’s setting now, so it should be cooling down soon. Might want to get that hoodie back out,” Hyunjin says, entering the tent. He nods towards the hoodie that he’d draped over you in the car earlier, and you chuckle. 

“I’ll put it on if I need it. It’s way too hot to be wearing pretty much anything right now,” you say, trying to fan your moist face with your hand, both of which are sticky with jelly. 

Hyunjin touches the back of his neck too, pushing up the small low ponytail that he’d gathered his bright red hair into. You can see that the dye is so fresh that it’s bleeding into his sweat, leaving scarlet rivulets across his skin that look like scars. “Sorry I didn’t warn you about the temperatures out here. It’s kind of crazy sometimes,” he says softly. 

You shrug, finishing your sandwich and flopping onto your back, which you regret a little; the slick thermal cover of the sleeping bag sticks to your skin immediately upon contact, and the entire surface is warm. Hyunjin mirrors your actions, falling back on his own matching sleeping bag. “That was some hard work we did,” he says, with an approving tone. “For someone who’s never gone camping before, you didn’t do too bad with the tent and everything.”

“Thanks,” you say, somewhat dryly, but only because you don’t know what else to say. A slightly uncomfortable silence ensues, before Hyunjin clears his throat again to speak again. 

“Are you okay?” he asks. 

You turn your head to look at him, the movement creating a swishing noise against the sleeping bag. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t know, you’ve just been acting kind of weird recently. Especially today,” he admits, doing the same and turning to face you. He props his head up with his hand, his elbow sinking deep into the plush sleeping bag from the weight. 

It’s hard to swallow the last bite of your sandwich, because of both the thick peanut butter and your suddenly dry throat. “Well…” you trail off. For a moment you think you want to be honest with him, because truthfully, he’s a good guy—sure, he has his moments, but he never really intends to hurt you with his actions. He isn’t obligated to coddle you. 

“You can tell me anything, you know that… right?” he asks. “Like—I’m here for you, even if we’re not…” 

This time, he’s the one to trail off, but he doesn’t avert his gaze. You feel it on you as you stare down at your hands, fiddling with your fingers nervously. “That’s the issue,” you blurt out, “we’re… not.” 

“Not?”

“You know what I mean.” You’re embarrassed, so you turn away from Hyunjin so you don’t have to look at him or cringe at the shocked expression spread across his handsome features. 

“You—you want to be…” 

“I mean… yeah. Not at first, but now… I guess I feel differently.” Your voice grows softer. 

“Since when?” 

“Sort of recently. Maybe a month ago.” 

He says your name with such gentleness, such care, that you feel your eyes starting to water. “If I knew… I wouldn’t have been so…” 

“Such an asshole?” you ask scornfully. You can’t help it. This was why you didn’t want to ever have this conversation with him. You knew that there was resentment, even though he didn’t really do anything wrong. You knew that by bringing this up, you’d be breaking down your own walls that you put around the feelings you had for him, locked away deep deep down. 

He exhales loudly, clearly not pleased. “Well, I don’t know if I’d say that.” 

You don’t reply, because you know that if you do your voice will break, and then he’d say something about you crying. Something nice, probably—he’d want to comfort you, which makes everything worse. You wished that instead, he’d laugh in your face or say something douchey, just to give you a reason to hate him and get over it already. Quickly, you wipe away a tear that’s threatening to spill from your eye, and you get up and leave the tent. 

You have nothing with you: no shoes, no hoodie, no water or food. The remnants of the peanut butter taste in your mouth turns sour and dry as you take deep gulps of air, sprinting away from the tent. You run further than you did when you were exploring, faster than you’ve moved in years. You stumble a few times, your cheeks flushing with embarrassment every time the sand trips you up, but eventually you think you get far enough away from Hyunjin that he can’t see you any more. You come to a stop when you reach the only somewhat memorable landmark you’ve passed on your run—a medium sized rock that has been flattened at the top to create a seat out of the natural material. Panting, you sit down on it, the hot surface crackling across your skin. It’s not hot enough to burn you, but it’s hot enough to be slightly uncomfortable. Yet, you stay there, hands gripping your itchy thighs, which burn from the rock and from the exercise, as you try not to choke on your own breathing. 

Wiping the sweat from your eyes, you feel a sudden chill in the air that makes goosebumps rise on your arms. You look around to see the sun starting to sink below the horizon; you have the perfect view across the long, flat landscape. The campsite seemed to be in a sort of valley; a lower part of the ground that did not allow you to see across the land. 

It would be dark soon, and you were in the middle of nowhere with nothing. 

“Why couldn’t we have had this talk when it was still warm out?” you muttered aloud, angrily. You wrap your arms around yourself, starting to shiver as the warmth disappears along with the sun. There’s a cool bluish cast on everything now; the sand looks gray and the rock looks black, in contrast to the constant reddish warmth that the desert had embraced during the day. You again wonder if there’s any dangerous wildlife here, and curse yourself for pulling such a stupid move. You curse at yourself for a lot of things—the main one being that you actually came here with him and expected everything to be fine. 

Perhaps that isn’t true though: but isn’t that worse? 

Deep down, even though you’d never admit it, you came on this trip because a small part of you still yearns for his love. You don’t like to change the way you act for a guy; that’s lame and pathetic. But that small part that disagrees seems to have more power over you than you previously thought. You came here because you thought that there was a chance, no matter how small, to get him to love you. Maybe, he would realize just how beautiful you were in the orange light of a sunset. Maybe, doing things that he enjoyed would make him relate to you. Maybe, you would be able to impress him with some secret hidden skill that even you didn’t know about until you showed it off for him. 

You have no tears left, only anger at yourself for being such an idiot, as you pull your legs closer to your body and stare into the darkness of the night. 

You couldn’t have been there long, but you can’t be sure when Hyunjin finds you. By that time, you’d run through a million possible things to say to him when you saw him again, but you end up saying none of them. He too is silent, and the only thing he does when he sees you is hand you the same green hoodie, which you take without hesitation. You’re too cold to give a damn about your dignity any more. 

The walk back is silent. Your toes are freezing, because the sand is completely cold now that the sun isn’t there to warm it. You shuffle behind Hyunjin, who takes wide, reaching strides with his long legs that easily eat up the desert terrain beneath him. He looks beautiful in the moonlight, as he always did, and you think of the first night you met him at that party, when the very same thing captivated your attention and refused to let go. The only difference now is the red—his hair, still burning and bright in the darkness, rather than the silvery blonde that made you do a double take. It’s no less mesmerizing though, to see it bob and sway as he walks, leading you silently back to safety. 

“This is why,” he says, his voice shaking. The raspiness breaks the quiet, disrupts the still air.

“Why…?” 

He stops suddenly, and you almost crash into his back. He turns to face you, his brow furrowed, his lips pressed into a tight, small line. He says your name again, tenderly as always. “This is why we’re stuck like this.” 

The campsite is in view, and your gaze drifts from his pained face to the lonely, singular tent that’s sitting in the sand. “Because I’m a fucked up person?” you ask bitterly, knowing damn well that isn’t what he meant. 

He just shakes his head. “That’s not what I said.” 

“But it’s what you mean, isn’t it?” 

“(Y/N)...” 

Dawn breaks, warmth spilling back over the hills and valleys, turning the sand a bright orange. You watch as the light washes over Hyunjin’s tall frame, a mile long shadow being cast by his lanky body. Neither of you says another word, and then he just shakes his head again, scoffing so quietly you can barely hear it, and turns to walk back to the tent. He doesn’t look back, and then ducks inside. The rustling sounds stop, and you’re left standing there alone, clad in the dark green hoodie, when your tears finally overflow. 

---

Men. 

You want to blame Hyunjin. You always want to blame him, because honestly, it is partially his fault, just as much as it is yours. Once, Jimin had muttered something about men always being disappointing, especially men around Hyunjin’s age. His personality and looks didn’t help either; he knew that he was attractive and desired, and he took advantage of it. That’s the worst part about pretty men, you thought, their own fucking self-awareness. 

Or maybe that’s not the right term, because there’s a lot of shit about him that he was just blind to. He never understood why you got mad when he said something insensitive, thinking that he was just being honest and communicating. His naturally flirty personality attracted a lot of people, who he messed with for fun instead of taking it seriously. Here, you were torn: you genuinely could not tell if you were just another body to him, or if he actually cared about you and thought you different from all the other losers that he’d mess around with. 

You feel nothing but guilt when Jimin pulls up to the campsite, an unreadable expression on her pretty face. She stares you down as you pick up your bag and trudge over to her car, your furrowed brow and frown a clear indication of your emotions, the complete opposite of her. She doesn’t help you into the car, instead staring straight ahead and gripping the steering wheel so tight her knuckles are pale and bloodless. 

You’re about to shut the door when Hyunjin peeks out of the tent and notices that you’re leaving. He gnaws on his plush bottom lip for a moment, as if he is pondering whether or not to do what he thinks he should, and then he stumbles out of the unzipped flap and walks over to you. His nose is scrunched up, his eyes narrowed a little from the effort. “Are you leaving right now?” he asks, somewhat stupidly. 

“Obviously,” Jimin spits, venom lacing her words. 

Hyunjin looks surprised at her hostility, and his gaze flickers between you and her for a moment as you avoid eye contact with both of them. 

“Can I say something to you before you go?” he asks. His voice sounds unnaturally rough, like he’s struggling to speak. 

Jimin looks at you, and you realize that she’s letting you decide for yourself. 

You stare up at Hyunjin, at his gorgeous face that looks almost hopeful as you stare into his deep brown eyes. 

“No.”

“N-No?” he repeats, stumbling over the first syllable, pathetically—a first for him, straying from his usual graceful, cool tone. 

“You heard her,” Jimin snaps, and she reaches over you, snatching the door handle and slamming it shut in his face. He looks appalled, shocked, as you drive away. The wheels on her car spin in the dirt before they finally get a grip, and she pulls away from the campsite, away from the lone brightly colored tent in the beige landscape, away from Hyunjin and all of his unspoken emotions. 

“I’m sorry, Rina,” you say immediately, looking down at your hands shamefully. “I should have known better.” 

“What happened?” she asked, “What did he do to you?” 

“He didn’t do anything. Honestly, that’s kind of the problem,” you say, scoffing at the end at your own foolishness. 

Jimin presses her lips together until there’s nothing left but a thin pink line, showing her exasperation with you. “Well, let’s hope he doesn’t ever get to do anything to you,” she says, stepping on the gas as her car finally touches the smooth paved road again, escaping the rugged, bumpy terrain of the dirt pathway you’d been traveling on thus far. 

“One can only hope,” you mumble, just a little sarcastically. 

Jimin cracks a smile, and you feel your guilt melt away as she covers your hand with her own, a small gesture of comfort. You sigh aloud, and wonder why you bothered to get yourself into such an emotional situation in the first place. You were done being a doormat, done being the other woman, and done with Hyunjin. 

---

Fuzzy socks, a mug of rose (chilled, but you felt as if you looked fancier and more seasonally appropriate drinking it out of your cute hand painted mug), and a Halloween movie marathon on your laptop. That was the medication that Dr. Jimin had prescribed when she dropped you back off at your place. She didn’t say anything about the long drive there and back and how you really just wasted away half of her weekend, and she gave your cold hand a last comforting squeeze before she left. You didn’t realize how much you didn’t want to be alone until her car disappeared around the corner, and you realized just how quiet your apartment was. All of your housemates had gone out for the weekend, with one of them away visiting family and the other at their partner’s, and the silence seems to sting your skin as you walk around mindlessly for a few minutes. 

You toss your backpack onto the floor of your bedroom, not even wanting to think about unpacking it even though there’s hardly anything in there. You peel off your clothes, watching stray grains of reddish orange sand spill onto the hardwood below. A trail of clothing items leads from your bedroom and to the bathroom, where you sit down on the floor of your shower and let the hot water run over your skin until steam rises off of it and it’s fevered to the touch. Only then do you bother to wash yourself, scrubbing away the last day with Hyunjin, peeling away his touch little by little. 

You don’t feel raw when you step out of the shower, like you probably should. Your skin is irritated from the temperature and the friction, and you wrap yourself in a clean towel and trudge to your room, ignoring the puddles joining the trail of clothes on the floor. 

You follow Dr. Jimin’s prescription, getting reluctantly dressed in clean and comfortable clothing and turning on a movie marathon. You pour yourself a full mug of wine, the pink alcohol slopping over the rim of the ceramic container. Though you wince at the mistake, you don’t bother to clean it up. You make a mental note to clean before the weekend is over, so that your housemates don’t return to a dumpster fire in the apartment. 

You lay down on the couch, your warm laptop acting as a heat source on your stomach. You’re facing the one big window in the entire apartment, and the curtains are parted, allowing you to see outside. It’s raining heavily, with fat droplets slapping against the glass almost angrily, mirroring the emotions you’d been feeling lately. Everything is gray, the once bright autumnal foliage now dampened and soggy as the season begins to transition into the next. This is the worst part of autumn in your opinion: the decay that comes after the bright happiness. It’s so fleeting, but so beautiful that you can’t help but stick around even though you know nothing but desolation awaits you once the flame dies. You laugh to yourself at your dramatic nature, comparing the changing seasons to your relationship with Hyunjin. It’s almost cathartic to be so wholly passionate and silly about it all, to let yourself feel all of your emotions at once and not worry about what people will think. The movie playing on your laptop drones out the steady pattering of raindrops against the window as you chug your wine, beginning to feel fuzzy as you drink more and more. 

You’re not drunk enough to hallucinate—you know that for damn sure. Does alcohol even do that? You’re not sure but you think you’ve been blackout drunk enough to get there, if it was a real thing. Then you realize that it’s real—he’s real. Through the blurred window, you can see a bright red car parking in front of your building, and an individual with the same lanky frame as Hyunjin stepping out of it. His hood is pulled up over his head to keep out the cold rain, so you can’t be completely sure, but you’re pretty positive that no one else you know drives a car like that. So really, who else could it be?

You have to pretend like you weren’t secretly hoping this would happen as you walk over to the door, expecting him to knock at any moment. Sure enough, a sharp knocking reaches your ears, and you unlock and open the door immediately, staring directly into Hyunjin’s eyes. You glance upwards ever so slightly and see the dark black bangs hanging in his face—his hair has been cut and dyed. 

“What?” you ask dryly, the implications finally getting through your muddled mind. Simultaneously, you try to ignore the new changes to his hair. You wonder what Jimin would do if she knew he came to your door. Probably beat his ass, which at the moment you thought was quite deserved. 

“I do like you,” he says hastily, the statement escaping his lips plosively and suddenly. You watch a raindrop slide down the tall bridge of his nose and fall. His damp, short bangs peek out from beneath the hood of his gray sweatshirt. The entire garment is spotted with rain. 

“Okay…” you say, feeling your heart catch in your throat. You try to sound nonchalant, ignoring the pounding in your chest and the way your head starts spinning. 

He ignores your response, continuing in a desperate voice. “I do like you,” he says hastily, “but I don’t think I can be in a relationship right now.” 

“You came all this way in the rain to tell me that you don’t want to date me?” you ask, raising your eyebrows at him. 

“No!” he protests, and you step aside to gesture to him, letting him inside. He shivers in his damp clothes, and you roll your eyes as you toss him a throw blanket that was laying around. It definitely isn’t yours, and you add “laundry” to your checklist of chores to complete before your housemates come back. He wraps himself up in it, fuzzy pink fluff surrounding his face, which is wetly streaked with raindrops. “That’s not what I was saying.” 

“So you do want to date me?” you ask bluntly, picking up your mug and taking another massive gulp. He eyes the nearly empty bottle of wine sitting on your coffee table. 

“Are you drunk right now?” he asks. “Where did you get this from?” 

You wave him away. “Someone left it here after a house party a little bit ago, we needed to use it up so here I am being resourceful and eco-friendly.”

“That’s not what that means,” he says, cracking a small, crooked smile. 

“Whatever!” you say, rolling your eyes yet again. “What did you have to say to me?” 

“You’re honest when you’re drunk. And sassy,” he comments. 

“That’s what you have to say?” 

“Give me a minute!” He huffs, sitting down uninvited on the edge of the couch. “Listen, I do really like you, but I’m really busy and it wouldn’t be fair to you if we were in a weird half-relationship just because I don’t have time.” 

“And is that all that different from what we do now?” you ask crossly. “Only you have zero commitment right now, and you’d maybe have like… fifty percent commitment if we did that.” 

“You’re drunk,” he states, as if it weren’t obvious as well as previously established, multiple times.  

“And you’re an asshole.” 

He stops, the playfulness completely gone from the banter. 

“That’s a bullshit excuse and you know it,” you say slowly, “I’m not mad any more, I’m just saying. And what I’m saying is that that’s the exact bullshit guys say to you when they don’t actually want to date you, but want to fuck you.” 

Hyunjin blinks slowly at you, in disbelief. “You really think I’d do that to you?” 

“Why not me? I’ve seen you do it to so many people—even when I’m out with you. You think that messing around with all these people has no effect, that everyone can just brush it off like you do. But not everyone’s an asshole like you are.” 

“Stop calling me that.” His voice sounds small, wounded even. 

“Stop being one, then.” Your voice is cold, but pain creeps through the cracks and shows your true emotions. You’re tipsy and you’re crying in front of him, and you’ve never felt more pathetic. 

“I’m sorry, I really am,” he says softly. “I should have been honest with you from the start.” 

“You had a lot of chances to do that,” you reply. 

“So did you,” he reminds you—not out of malice, but out of honesty. 

“Yeah. I wasn’t perfect either,” you admit, though your ego takes a bruising from that single statement. 

“People aren’t meant to be perfect…” Hyunjin says, trailing off at the end, like there was something else he wanted to say. You wait for it, studying him as he picks at the fuzzy corner of the blanket. “So can’t we forgive each other and try?” 

“Try what?” 

“Try… us. Try being together, even if it doesn’t work out in the end.” 

You know what you want to say as soon as you hear him say that, but you also know the ending already. As much as you didn’t want to admit it, you and Hyunjin weren’t exactly compatible. There were so many arguments, even though you were never officially together, and you had little to nothing in common. Though those weren’t dealbreakers on their own, when put together, and along with all the other little things you picked up on as you got to know him, you knew the real answer, the right answer. You reach out to caress his face. His skin is warm now, and his hood slips off of his head to reveal the full haircut. It’s short, as you presumed, only the top layers left somewhat long. His bangs tickle your fingers as your hand drops. 

The rain only pelts against your window harder as you take his cold hand in yours, intertwining your fingers for the last time, and press your lips to his knuckles. Hopefully, he looks at you, awaiting your answer. 

You smile sadly; the moment is bittersweet. Goodbye moonlight, goodbye to our song, goodbye to your stupidly loud car and your soft hair, you think, goodbye.

“No,” you say simply. “We can’t.” 

DIVIDER CREDIT | @cafekitsune

© petrichor-han 2023, all rights reserved. do not translate or repost without my permission.

Bro, the way you described their feelings made me feel like I was actually in the story! I don't know how you managed to do that in such a short text but you left me speechless!

waiting for us

pairing: hyunjin x reader

synopsis: you’re afraid to let hyunjin love you, but he’d wait forever for you

warnings: very brief suggestive content, angsty angsty angsty (but happy ending) reader shuts down hyunjin’s advances, opening up, discussion of feelings, getting together, nothing is perfect, feelings are messy in this, writing is messy (apologies), hyunjin is an angel, they are both hurt souls just wanting to be loved

✿: @hhwangsmoon @straywrds @l3visbby @armysantiny @hwajin @casualtaelyn @staybangchan @hopeladybug @midsoulz @aestheticsluut @venustired @abiaswreck @deathlypink @djeniryuu @rachabreathing @alyszaen @starlostseungmin @bokk-minnie @spicymooseeyes @arlojulien-nightchild-of-hades @downbadreading @moasworld @ren0325 @ketchupaeternum @like-a-diamondinthesky @itsgivingitalian

No reposting or translating of my works. All rights reserved to me, myself and I.

“I hate flowers,” you mumble as you stare at the bouquet Hyunjin had gifted you minutes ago.

“I know. You think they’re cheesy and a cliche gift.”

Your eyes flutter from the arrangement to Hyunjin.

“Then why do you get them for me?”

Hyunjin smiles, looking completely unbothered.

“Because I know you love when I give you flowers. You don’t care that it’s cheesy. Not when they’re from me.”

Your heart flutters and you can feel a smile threatening to tug at your lips but you keep your features neutral.

“Why are you still trying Hyunjin?”

The man shrugs as he leans back against the park bench.

“I love you and I know you love me. But I also know that you’re not ready yet and that’s alright.”

A smile stretches across his lips, “I’ll wait as long as I need to.”

You wanted to cry. You wanted to scream. You wanted to tell Hyunjin to fuck off but you also wanted to pull him closer and kiss him until your lips became numb and all you knew was the feeling of his body against yours.

You wanted to run away.

But you also wanted to stay.

You didn’t like the way Hyunjin looked at you. You didn’t like the way his eyes lit up when he spotted you or how he fiddled with his rings out of nervousness when he talked to you. You didn’t like when he gave you gifts, you didn’t like when he tried to talk to you.

You didn’t like it because you knew it was fleeting. Hyunjin would grow tired of your shit. He’d eventually stop trying to break down the walls you’d spent years building. One day he’d stop giving you flowers, he’d stop approaching you, he’d stop wanting to be around you.

But you also knew that Hyunjin was aware of your inner turmoil. He saw past the frowns and the stoic expression. He saw bits of your true feelings that seeped through no matter how hard you tried to keep them at bay.

You were tiring but he hadn’t grown tired of you.

Every rejection had only egged him on. It had only made him want to get closer to you.

No one had ever tried as much as Hyunjin had.

But you knew he deserved better.

You loved him, you loved him so much. But he shouldn’t be with someone like you.

A shaky breath left you, a reaction that had startled both you and Hyunjin.

“If I told you to stop, would you?”

Hyunjin is quiet for a moment. You can feel his burning gaze against your skin but you don’t dare to look at him.

Vulnerability is something that you aren’t comfortable with. But something about Hyunjin makes the tears pricking your eyes a little less burdensome. He makes you feel safe.

“I don’t want to. But if that’s what you wanted I would. I would give you space but I wouldn’t give up hope that one day you could let yourself be happy with me.”

Your eyes meet his then. He’s smiling despite the tears gathering in his eyes and it breaks your heart.

“I want to be,” you find yourself confessing, “I want to be but—.”

You don’t finish your sentence but you don’t have to. Hyunjin knows you’re scared. He knows you’ve been hurt. He knows you can’t let yourself trust easily. He knows you’re cold and dismissive because you can’t let yourself be broken again.

But he’s still there. He’s always been there, waiting so patiently for you to let him love you the way he knows and that you know deep down you deserve to be loved.

The paper of the bouquet rustles with the way your hand shakes.

“We don’t have to talk about this now,” he says softly.

He’s hesitant at first when he reaches out, but when you don’t pull away he settles his large warm hands over your own.

“You did good today Y/n,” he whispers, “So good. I’m so proud of you.”

You feel the first tear fall, then another. The first you’ve let fall in front of someone in a long time.

One of Hyunjin’s hands leaves yours to brush the tears away.

Your chest hurts, your entire being hurts.

And you feel so fucking sorry.

“I-I kept them all.”

Hyunjin hums in question as he guides your head to rest against his shoulder, fingers intertwining with your own.

“The flowers, the notes, the poems, the butterfly shaped gummies you bought me bc you said they reminded you of my eyes,” you sniffle.

“I kept them all. I still look at them everyday.”

Hyunjin is quiet, too quiet.

“I never wanted to hurt you, not really I just—. I’m so sorry Hyunjin. God you don’t know how much it ate me up everytime time I turned you down. I couldn’t—.”

“You were afraid to be loved. I know Y/n. I’ve always known,” he whispers as he shifts to look at you as you sit up.

“I’m still here,” he says as his fingers reach to brush a couple of loose strands behind your ears.

“I’m here. I’m yours. And I’ll wait for you for as long as it takes. I’m not leaving. I-I’m not going to disappear.”

Even when he cries, Hyunjin is still the most beautiful person you’ve ever seen.

He’s crying because he’s hurting too. He’s crying because he loves you.

“I want to be happy with you,” you confess as Hyunjin leans his forehead against yours.

His breath in your lips makes you shiver.

“I-I want to be loved by you. I want to love you in turn. I just wish I wasn’t like this. I wish I didn’t hurt so much. I wish I didn’t hurt you. I wish I deserved you.”

“Don’t.”

It’s firm, the way the word leaves his lips.

“Everyone deserves to be loved. And to me, you deserve it the most.”

He’s so close to you, a tilt of your chin and your lips would meet. You think that it would heal you.

Something about Hyunjin has always felt that way to you. Healing.

But you didn’t give in. You had wanted to hurt because you felt like you deserved it.

“Just let me and I’ll show you. I’ll make the hurt go away.”

“I'm too much Hyunjin,” you admit.

“Loving someone isn’t supposed to be easy. People aren’t perfect, relationships aren’t perfect. You and I have our faults, our scars, our fears. But one thing I am certain of is that I feel so deeply for you. I think it’s beyond love at this point but it’s indescribable. You make me feel like I can’t breathe but at the same time by your side is the only place I can. It’s confusing and frustrating but fuck do I love you and I’ll be damned if i ever stop showing you how much I do.”

It’s fucked. Everything is fucked when you tilt your chin up and connect your lips.

It’s fucked when he kisses you back with so much passion that you feel his hurt, his love, his everything as his lips glide against yours.

It’s fucked when you feel your walls crumbling down and more tears escape. Both of you tasting the salty hurt and love that coats your lips.

It’s fucked when you breathe those four words against his lips that you had been trying so hard not to utter.

It’s fucked when Hyunjin takes you in the entryway of your apartment that afternoon—desperate and hungry as he fills you with all the love he has for you.

It’s fucked when you lay naked in your bed that night.

It’s fucked when you feel the anguish and hurt leave you at his touch.

It’s fucked, completely and utterly fucked.

Everything that you had built up, one man tore down in a single evening. He had been chipping away, making cracks in your defenses for months now and you had only stuck bandaids over them—not wanting to reinforce them anymore. You grew tired of the facade—tired of trying to force him away.

Hyunjin didn’t leave like you thought he would. He was right here, in your arms—lips pursed as he slumbered atop your chest.

He had been waiting for you.

And finally, you had stopped running and let your heart beat once more.

↳ If you liked this please consider commenting or reblogging! It would really mean the world to me ♡

coughing up the butterflies that died in my stomach when you broke my heart

–”It was draining, he thought, pretending to love you.”

pairing: hwang hyunjin x reader

genre: mafia au, angst, fluff, smut

warnings: death, guns, chan’s kind of an asshole

word count: 9.7k

a/n: this is the longest shit i’ve written to date n i’m kinda super really proud of it, also sorry for the total fall out boy move i pulled with the title hhh i just like it a lots

you let out a content sigh as your boyfriend trailed his lips along your neck, biting down lightly and sucking on a sweet spot he knew by heart by now. he pulled away and admired his work before capturing your lips with his, pressing your hips down against his growing bulge and making an attempt to deepen the kiss. you pulled away from him with a giggle.

“hyunjin, i really have to go. i promised my dad i’d be up early to help him with some work stuff tomorrow.”

he pouted, “what do you even have to do? why can’t he do it himself?”

you laughed at your boyfriends clingy behavior, “i’m supposed to talk to some girls he’s considering hiring. says i’m less threatening than a tall, scary-looking old man.”

“what’s he hiring for?”

you sighed, he always did this. whenever the topic of your fathers business came up, he could never let it go.

Keep reading

*gonna take awhile bc all my favs are on my other account, so I have to send them to myself*

✨️ - on AO3

chan

hold on tight by @teasty

wolfsbane by @healinghyunjin

fly with me @dreamescapeswriting

brithday girl by @neonheeseung

double take by @seospicy

decadence by @jisungscaramel

behind the screen by sailorhyunjinz

hoodies by @chvnnie

kill me slowly by @inkedtae ✨️

minho

and they were roommates by @huenjin

a marriage story by @scxrlettwxtches

l.mh by @kanaiii

on the tenth floor by @skzkkun

company by @btssmutgalore

till you make it by @cb97percent

changbin

and they were roommates by @wingkkun

company by @btssmutgalore

behind the screen by sailorhyunjinz

hyunjin

you're trembling so much by @meidreamsdelivery

jisung

behind the screen by @sailorhyunjinz

acquainted by @ch4nb4ng

internal affair by @/seospicybin

off the menu by @sm-entertain-me

ruined silk by @ch4nb4ng

hate sex by @hwangyeonjun

and your best friend too by @matryosika

felix

a little more than friends by @spilledtee

sunshine by @cherryeol04

seungmin

short skirts by @corruption-skz

making music by @spilledtee

knee socks by @seospicybin

jeongin

double take by @seospicy

it's gonna happen

tattooartist!tattooed!hwang hyunjin x fem!reader

desc: y/n isn't too happy her dad marrying so soon to his fiancée. at least she as her childhood 'friend', hyunjin be her side.

warnings: SMUT!, unknown feelings of abandonment, dad is a cunt to hyunjin, reader being unsure ab dad's whole relationship, talks of boners, hyunjin being horny for the reader, dry sex, unprotected sex, dirty talk, oral(f. receiving), praise kink, mirror kink/sex, slight hair pulling, creampie, small scene of aftercare

wc: 10.5k+

a/n: I'm finally done with my hyunjin fic! man this a big boy. but I hope you enjoy it! I honestly so proud of myself for writing 10k words.

--------

you can't be serious right?" I asked last night. hearing the news that they were getting married. my dad put down his fork, "Y/N, I'm being very serious right now. we talked about it, getting married is our next step." he said. "you guys have been dating for what- five months. I hardly know her still, I don't feel comfortable with this." I said, standing up from the table and so did my dad, as his new fiancée just sat there. "Y/N, this is something that is happening. you can't just run away from everything." my dad said loudly, as I turned to leave the dining room, "I need to clear my head." was the last thing I said before going to my room.

a few days after my graduation from college, my parents got a divorce, it was mutual and came out of nowhere. my mom told me to stay with dad so I wouldn't have to move so much stuff, which was the wrong choice. the last day I saw her was when the court finalized the divorce and that same day she got her stuff and said goodbye to hyunjin and his family. I stayed in my room and watched from the window as she left. I never saw her again, no calls, no texts, no visits. like she forgot about me, that hurt so much.

it was just me and my dad in the house, till his new girlfriend, marilyna, moved into our house. she's okay, made my dad happy and all but everything was happening so quickly…and suddenly he started to change. instead of being the man I once looked up to as a kid with big smiles and lame dad jokes, he was more cold, blunt, and rarely ever smiled- especially to me.

so many thoughts and questions were running through my head, especially ones about my mom. thinking of how I should have just left with her. everything was interrupted by a call from my phone. I pulled it out of my pocket and saw hyunjin calling me. why would he call me now? can't he see I'm having a moment. I sighed and looked at his name for a second.

hyunjin and I have been neighbors since we were little. our parents being best friends, having kids around the same time. most people would think it to be great. one couple could watch the kids for the night as the other had a date night and vice versa. we were only 'friends' because of our parents. as little kids, we enjoyed each other's company. playing tag, hide and seek, doctor, you know the basic kid stuff. nowadays, I wouldn't call us friends, but we are always there for each other. as we got older, hyunjin looked more like the bad boy stereotype, though he wouldn't hurt a fly, maybe sass someone off but that's about it. I was just the same me, just much older who lives next door. my dad hated the way hyunjin turned out and always nagged my mom about it.

the years of middle school and high school came and went, I went to college to pursue what I always wanted and hyunjin…I really didn't know where he went for the first 2 years of college. I didn't find out until I went to get my first tattoo and found him working there. he was the one who did my tattoo as we talked about what we did over the years. hyunjin said he still lived with his family but he was rarely ever home. at the time he was still an apprentice, but he loved putting art on people, especially his art.

I rolled my eyes and swiped to answer the phone. "yes hyunjin?" I said in an annoyed tone. "you alright?" he asked. I lightly shook my head, "yes, I'm fine. why did you call?" I asked as I looked at the pictures of memories on my wall. "are you sure you're fine, because you've been pacing for the last 3 minutes." he said. I stopped what I was doing and looked out my window- where the blinds were halfway up, to see hyunjin sitting at his desk…that was right in front of his window. I sighed, mentally face palming my head, as I looked down for a second. looking back up, my eyes met with his. "I was just told some news I didn't really like." I explained as simply as I could.

he put down the pencil he was holding, "wanna enlighten me of what it is?" he asked. I walked closer to the window, "my dad's getting married to marilyna really soon." I explained a little more. "haven't they been dating for 3 months?" he asked with a weird face. "5 months if you don't include the one month they met." I said. "how soon is the wedding?" he asked. "no wedding per say, but they are going to the courthouse to get it legalized." I said as I remembered what my dad told me. I pulled over my chair and sat in front of the window.

"I mean, don't get me wrong. I do believe you can fall in love with someone in a short time and be engaged…but marriage to me just seems kinda soon, in my dad's case anyway. like if they were to get married in the next few months to a year or so. I would probably understand more." I rambled as I placed my hand in my hair to play with it. hyunjin leaned back as he nodded his head. though he was far away, I could see the glint in his eyes. a look I knew too well. "what's your idea?" I said in a monotone voice.

"I think you need a drink."

I knocked on the back door for hyunjin to let me in. I wrapped my hands around my bare arms, trying to warm myself up. I didn't think it would be so cold, boy was I wrong. a few seconds later, hyunjin unlocked the door and opened it wide. I stepped in and slipped my shoes off. hyunjin motioned his head to follow him to the kitchen.

"you're sure we aren't gonna wake your parents?" I asked, as I sat on the breakfast bar. "oh I'm sure." hyunjin said with a laugh. "why'd you say it like that?" I asked, followed by a loud moan. I snapped my head to their door then back to hyunjin with wide eyes. "yeah, they still go at it like wild rabbits. they’re still so in love with each other." hyunjin said, opening the freezer. he pulled out a full bottle of hard liquor I didn't know the name of and grabbed two shot glasses, placing them in front of me.

he opened the lid and poured one for each of us. he slid me one and grabbed his own. I looked at him and brought the drink up to my lips, throwing my head back. the liquid felt like fire hitting the back of my throat. I placed the glass back on the table. "jesus, it's fucking strong." I said as I made a face. hyunjin finished his shot, making the same face. "yeah." he forced out. I was about to say something when a loud smack followed by another moan. "can you guys be a little more quiet!" hyunjin yelled. "are they always this loud?" I asked. "yep, usually they warn me, but tonight they didn't." he answered simply. it makes sense why he's rarely home.

"anyway, what are you gonna do about the marriage?" he asked, leaning on the counter. "I can't stop it. it's gonna happen, whether I like it or not. I just hope my dad is making the right choice." I said, looking down the empty glass. "how do you feel about her?" hyunjin asked as he poured me another shot. "I haven't really hung out with marilyna since she works. a lot. which isn't bad, she does really well with her work. it's clear that she loves her job. we just haven't had the time to fully get to know each other. what most girls would call, a 'girls day'." I said, bringing up my fingers to do air quotes. hyunjin laughed at that, "ah yes, the classic 'girls day', that's always the best way to get to know a person." hyunjin said with a smile.

as the minutes continued, hyunjin kept pouring till the bottle was about halfway empty. "I think that's enough for tonight." he said, slapping the top back on and placing it back where he got it from. I nodded to agree as I felt slightly tipsy. he turned back to me and laughed. "not used to strong alcohol?" he asked with a smile. "yeah, not much of a drinker but a drink every once and awhile is good." I said, stretching my arms above my head. "understandable." hyunjin said with a yawn. I’m sure he hasn’t rested in awhile, spending most of his nights at the tattoo shop.

"okay, well I'm going to go and let you get some sleep. I need some myself." I said, standing up. hyunjin nodded as he followed me to the back door. once I was ready to go, I looked back and gave him a smile. "thanks for tonight." I said, before stepping out and heading home. "goodnight." I heard him say out the door. "night!" I yelled back.

I woke up to the sun in my eyes, being bright as ever. "fuck you sun." I mumbled as I got up from my cozy bed. how dare the sun interrupt me and the lovely dream I was having, though I had already forgot what it was about. I think it was something about john cena and dodge ball, eh. I pulled the curtains closed and went to lay back in my bed. I sighed as my head hit the pillow and closed my eyes. I was halfway asleep when I heard a small knock on the door. "yes?" I said, not moving. the door opened and followed by the sound of someone walking in my room.

once the door was closed, I felt someone sit on my bed. I turned my head and opened my eyes to see marilyna. "hi." she said with a small smile. she was already ready for work. "hi." I said in a tired voice. "I want to talk to you about last night. is that okay?" she asked. I nodded my head as I rubbed my eyes. "I know that what was said was a lot to take in for you. I understand what you mean by feeling uncomfortable and not knowing me well enough. which is my fault since I work a lot and not really trying to get to know you or being busy with your father, basically neglecting you. my mom did the same thing when she divorced my dad and married the woman she loved." marilyna said, playing with her fingers. I sat up so I could give her my full attention, wanting to hear her out.

"I was only 13, they dated and got married faster than me and your father have been together. I was angry and confused about why she did it so fast. I couldn't understand how you could be someone so fast and easily get married to that person you've barely known and even haven't lived with them yet. I knew my mother was happy with her wife. it took me years to accept everything, till I was already living out of their house." she said, looking at the wall now.

"I didn't fully understand till I met your father. everything seemed to fall in place, like I met my best friend, my soulmate. I know it sounds cheesy, but it's true. I love your father dearly, I know you see that. I don't want you and I to end up like what happened to me and my step-mom. I want to build a relationship with you, if you'll let me." she said, turning her head to me. I thought about what I was going to say, I couldn't think of an answer so I looked at my hands. "my next day off from work is saturday. if you'd like to get to know each other some more, I would love that. you don't have to tell me now, just let me know okay." she said, standing up.

"okay." I said, nodding my head. she smiled at me before checking her watch. "I gotta go, I'll see you later." she said, opening the door and exiting my room. once my door was closed, I took a deep breath and fell back onto my bed. I know I should get to know her, but i don't think that would help me accept them marrying so soon. even more thoughts entered my head, making me more confused and less sleepy. "dammit." I said, sitting back up and reaching for my phone.

I opened messages and scrolled down to click hyunjin's block. I sent him a message about what happened. I saw he immediately read my message and began to type.

me: so my marilyna just left my room after talking to me ab last night. she wants to get to know me this saturday and told me a little ab her backstory.

hyunjin: omg! the girls day you talked ab is happening, so happy for you!

I could just hear the tone and laughter through the text, making me roll my eyes.

me: omg, you're so funny!

me: but should I really do it? yeah, I get to know her more but would that make me feel better ab them getting married so soon.

hyunjin: i really can't answer that for you, miss y/n. you won't know unless it happens.

hyunjin: call you later, if you want, rn I gotta finish this tattoo design.

with that I sent him an okay and clicked the power button on my phone. I won't know unless it happens. that is true. I closed my eyes and thought about what was going to happen saturday. if I agree to it, I hope it goes well. I checked the time on my phone as I plugged it back up. I had 4 more hours to sleep till I had to get ready for work. I got comfortable under my blanket and rested my eyes, awaiting for sleep to take me once more.

I woke up to the sound of my alarm going off. I shot up from my sleeping position with wide eyes. I rubbed my eyes and reached for to turn off my alarm. I pushed the covers off me and got out of bed. I grabbed my work clothes I always have laid out and headed to the bathroom. I turned on the water and stripped off my nightwear as the water was warming up.

after I was done with my shower and dressed for work, I braided my hair down. I checked the clock on my phone, I had to leave in four minutes. I pushed my phone into my pants and ran back to my room, grabbing my wallet and keys. I rushed down the hall and to the front door. "leaving for work?" I heard my dad say. "yeah, if I don't go now, I'll be late. later!" I yelled out the door, closing it behind me. I unlocked my car door and hopped in. my car was pretty old, so I have to give her time to warm up. I put the key in and let her do her thing for a minute. I turned on the radio so I wouldn't be in complete silence. I put the car in reverse and pulled out of the driveway.

okay let's go to work and get this day over with.

lunch break at work was the time to catch with my co-workers after not seeing them at all last week. we walked into the break room as we laughed at a joke someone said. we sat down and pulled out food from the takeout bags. there were four of us at our table, like usual. there was lee felix, kim seungmin, shin ryujin, and me. we formed a click as we all started working here.

I knew ryujin because she was my dorm mate in college and was majoring in the same thing. we became really close because of our love for wanting the same career. seungmin and I met each other in a coffee shop. technically, I ran into him. he was the one to tell me that his workplace was hiring new interns, basically helping ryujin and I get this job. felix was the person I was shadowing while I was an intern. he had been working there for 2 years before me.

we all became close very fast and it made me feel like I was in high school again. hanging out with my friends, just having a fun time.

"y/n, are you not going to eat?" ryujin asked, nudging my shoulder. I looked at her then back at my food. "yeah, just got lost in my head that's all." I said, taking a big bite out of my meal. seungmin looked at me with raised his eyebrows. I swallowed my bite and wiped the corners of my mouth. I told them all about last night and what happened this morning.

"you should definitely hang out and spend time with her. you always keep your mind open, why should this be the thing you close you mind to?" felix said, seungmin agreed with him by nodding. I shrugged as I took another bite of food. "don't know." I said, my mind was conflicted and genuine indecisiveness. "do it, y/n. what's the worst that could happen?" ryujin said, placing her hand on my shoulder. "you're just getting to know her, maybe have lunch together or go shopping." ryujin said. I looked down at my food, pushing my food to felix as I wasn't in the mood to eat anymore. I laid my head down in my arms.

felix is completely right. I'm always so open-minded and willing to talk but this. it felt different, a feeling I never really had nor could I explain. why am I being like this? I kept repeating in my head. why can't I just get to know her like any other person? it's just woman, who's engaged to my dad, that I should get to know. it should be easy. it would make my dad happy. no matter how many pros I made in my head, I still felt undecided. I want to try but not at the same time. why! I felt my anger rise at my own self, angry tears started to form.

"y/n." seungmin called out. I looked up at him as I wiped my tears away. "if it upsets you this much, try talking to your dad." he said. "oh yeah, so he can just yell at me again." I said, almost slamming my hands on the table. felix, who was still eating, jumped at the sudden sound. "sorry lix." I said as we made eye contact. I took some deep breaths. "okay, we can tell this upsets you, so let's not talk about it anymore. plus our break is over now." ryujin said, looking at her phone. "30 minutes is not enough to eat my food." felix said with his mouth full. "too bad, so sad. let's go." seungmin said, patting him on the shoulder before standing up.

I had four more hours before my shift was over. I sighed, knowing the next hours were going to go by so slowly. I followed my co-workers out of the break room.

true to my thought, the hours went by so slowly. sighing every 5 minutes or so. passing multiple clocks, checking the time each time. my thoughts were so occupied that I almost messed up one of the more major emails- but I quickly noticed it before I hit the send button. for the last hour, I sat in my mini office, doing emails. once I had finished the last email for the day, I logged out of my computer and stretched my arms over my head. time to go home I said to myself, picking my belongings and out the office to clock out. ryujin was waiting for me, like always.

“I’ve been standing here for two minutes, babe. you need to learn how to walk faster.” she said, pushing herself off the wall. “I’m sorry your royal highness, but you need to learn patience.” I answered back as I clocked out. “come on.” I said as I looped my arm with hers. making our way out of the building. the sun was already setting, making the sky look beautiful as ever.

once I had said my goodbyes to ryujin, I walked back to my car and that was when I saw hyunjin, walking on the sidewalk. blond hair pulled back from his face, black pants, white sleeveless shirt, and jacket around his waist with black shoes.

"oh hey hyunjin." I called out, waving to him. hyunjin looking up with a shocked look, like he just came out of his thoughts. he turned his head in my direction and saw me. "hey y/n!" hyunjin said, waving back. I walked over to him "you okay?" I said, to which he nodded as an answer. I took a closer look at him and noticed the bags under his eyes. “you didn’t sleep any last night, did you?” I asked him. he looked down and sighed, “not really.” he answered. “are you headed or coming from work?” I asked, looking around was his car. I knew the shop he works at is down the block from my work place. “oh, heading home. my friend was going to pick me up but he got busy.” hyunjin answered. “you can just ride with me, I just got off work. come on.” I said, heading back to my car with hyunjin following.

we were on the road, some popular song playing on the radio, in silence for a while. hyunjin was the first to speak. “have you decided if you’re going to have a girls day?” hyunjin asked, looking at me. “I’ve thought about it, well I got frustrated when talking about it to my friends at work, but I still don’t know.” I answered. “felix said something like I’m always open-minded and that I shouldn’t close myself off to marilyna.” I continued. hyunjin nodded, “yeah, you’re super open-minded.” he said. “thanks.” I said with a slight laugh behind it. “you’re welcome.” he said, smiling at me. I pulled into our neighborhood street and saw her car in the driveway. “oh she’s home early.” I said, as I pulled into the driveway. hyunjin unbuckled his seatbelt as I parked and turned off the car. we both got out of the car and closed the doors. hyunjin called out to me as I started walking to my front door. “do it, talk to her.” he said, before walking away to his house. I nodded with a straight smile and continued to the door.

I entered my home and locked the door behind me. I walked into the kitchen and saw my dad and marilyna making food together. they didn’t even notice I had walked in. I just stood there as I watched it play out. marilyna put something on his cheek and laughed, but that didn’t last long. my dad tried to put some stuff on her nose, but she backed up and tried to run, but he grabbed her around her waist. big smiles and laughter filled the open space. I smiled at it, but it faded away with triggered a memory of my mom and dad from when they were together. I felt tears come to my eyes for the second time today, but I blinked them away as marilyna saw me.

“y/n, you’re home.” she said with a small smile as my dad quickly let her go and went back to cooking. “yeah, um. I’m just heading to my room.” I said, pointing before turning around to leave. “are you going to have dinner with us or you gonna leave like you did last night?” I heard my dad say in a bitter tone. I frowned at the tone and sighed. “I didn’t know if I’ll be awake so just put a plate in the microwave for me.” I said, walking to my room. I heard hyunjin’s words and said fuck it in my head. I turned back around and called out to marilyna. she whipped her head to me, “yes?” she said. “I’ll take you up on that offer.” I said, making her wide smile. “okay.” she said, nodding. I gave a small smile back and went to my room for the night.

once I was stripped out of my work clothes and into new pj's, I hopped into bed. I opened my phone and shot hyunjin a text.

me: I told her I’d do it.

hyunjin: did it hurt?

me: no…

hyunjin: then there’s nothing to be afraid of.

me: goodnight, hyunjin

I rolled my eyes at his text and plugged my phone into its charger. I rolled over in bed and made up ideas of what was to come on saturday. hopefully it won’t turn out bad and I found out something that I don’t need to know.

from making make the days I missed from last week and talking to ryujin and hyunjin a lot, the week went by faster than I thought. I woke up around 10am on the dot. I got up and left my room to find marilyna. I found her in the living room, watching a movie in her nightwear. “hi.” I said. she turned to me and smiled. “hey, you ready for today?” she asked, sitting up some. I nodded my head and I pulled at the hem of my shirt. “okay, did you have anything in mind of what you want to do? I was thinking we could go to the new store that opened next to my work, then once the pastry shop opens, we can go there.” marilyna said, nodding along to what she was saying. “umm, I- sure, I don’t really know at the moment but if I see a place could we go in?” I asked with unsureness in my voice. “of course. go get ready, I should be done in about 35 minutes.” she said, turning off the tv. I nodded and went back to my room to get dressed for the day.

after picking a random outfit at hardly ever wear, I grabbed my wallet, phone and a hoodie just in case. I looked at myself in the mirror and pushed my hair out of my face. “everything is going to be fine. you can do this. god, I sound like I’m going on my first date in middle school.” I said to myself. I left my room and went to the kitchen to wait. I played on my phone, scrolling through tiktok. marilyna walked in with her purse with my dad by her side. he went to give her a small kiss, but I looked at the ground. “have a good day girls. be nice to marilyna, y/n. love you honey.” he said. I took a breathe in and nodded at his statement. we put on our shoes and headed to marilyna’s car.

we arrived at the new store called ‘puzzled velvet’ with mannequins in beautiful outfits, in the windows. I opened the store’s door and let marilyna go in first. it looked small, but had lots of styles to choose from. we looked around in awe as an employee came up to us. they weren’t in a uniform, but instead in their own style of clothing.

“hello, welcome to puzzled velvet. thank you for coming, I’m one of the co-owners, my name is paris. we have lots to choose from- as you can see. is there anything specific you are looking for that I can help you with?” paris asked with a big smile on her face. “no, I don’t think so. we are probably going to look at a bit of everything in here.” marilyna said, looking at me. I nodded and gave paris a smile. “okay, if you find anything and have a question, just come find me.” paris said, about to walk away. “oh by the way, that part over there. is the owner's own work of clothes they've made." she said, pointing to a wall of clothes next to the register. "okay, thank you!" marilyna said.

we walked all over the store, pulling all kinds of things and putting them up to our bodies. making small talk here and there with jokes and laughs here and there. this day is going good so far, I thought- which made me smile. we took our time looking at most of the shirts and jewelry. marilyna picked up a hat and placed it on my head. ”looks good you on you.” she said. I turned to the mirror to see how it looked on me. it was a dark gray baker boy cap with a chain across it. “its cute.” I said, fixing my hair to look nice under the hat. I pulled out my phone and took a photo of me in it. “you should get it.” marilyna said as I pulled it off and put it back in its spot. “maybe next time.” I said with a smile. marilyna pulled out her phone and checked the time. “oh the pastry shop is open, let’s go.” she said, getting excited. we made our way to the exit and said goodbye to paris. “I hope you enjoyed our store, have a nice day.” she said with a wave goodbye. we got in the car and head to the pastry shop.

we parked right in front of the old building. the pastry shop has been here for years, redecorating ever so often. it's a family owned place, passed down for 4 generations. right now they still had valentines day décor up. marilyna opened the door for me as I was greeted by the swift of many different smells of deliciousness. memories from college entered my mind, 10pm visits with ryujin as we tried to rush to finish our work before 12am.

we made our way to the trays of food to see what she wanted. I came up behind her and saw my favorite pastry. ayda greeted us as she wiped her hands off. she's been working here since her parents owned it and now it belongs to her. ayda is in her mid 40's, always has her black fluffy hair pulled into a bun and a bright smile on her face. "good, working a lot." marilyna answered. ayda turned to me and smiled, "what about you, hun?" she asked. "I’m good, back at work after not being there after a week because of my old car breaking down on me." I said. "well, that’s good. now, what can I get you two?" she asked, grabbing a pair of gloves.

"I would like to try the apple cheese danish." marilyna said, ayda nodded and looked at me. "I'll get a blueberry-cream cheese pastry!" I said with a big smile before turning to marilyna. “she makes the best blueberry-cream pastries.” I said. "coming right up girls, you two go ahead and sit down." she said, waving her hand. we smiled and thanked her as we headed to find a place to sit.

"did you see her nails? they're so pretty" marilyna said as she slid into the booth. "yes I did, she does them herself." I said, placing my things next to me as I sat down. “oh really?” she asked, I nodded my head. “wow, that’s talent.” she said. “I agree.” I said. we sat there quietly as we waited, which wasn't very long. "okay here ya go." ayda said, placing the food in front of us, "and two shakes on the house for my regular.” she said, winking at me. “now don't tell anyone I said that." she said, slapping her hand on the table playfully and pointing to us, before attending to the other customers in the room. I took a sip of the shake and hummed as the flavor hit my tongue. "I thought this was taken off the menu." marilyna said. "it is, but I’ve been coming here for so long. she sometimes gives me things that aren’t on the menu anymore." I said in a hushed voice, before taking a bite of my treat. we ate our food in peace, just enjoying the aura of the shop.

as I took the last bite of my food, I looked up at marilyna. “what do you want to talk about first?” marilyna asked as she wiped off her hands. “I guess just the basics, just life things.” I said, sitting on my hands out of nerves. marilyna started with her birthday, to more in depth to her life, her favorite things, taking her time making sure I know her. we probably spent a good 2 hours going back and forth telling things about ourselves. then we got onto the topic of my father and them getting married.

“I know you probably think I am trying to take the mother role, that is not what I’m trying to do. I’m marrying for father because I love him, all I want from you is a friendship and support.” she explained. “yeah, I want everyone to be happy. it’s just really fast for me.” I said. “I understand.” marilyna said, playing with her fingers. “when is the date?” I asked. “two weeks from now, on thursday at 10am.” she answered. I nodded my head as I reached for my drink. “did you want someone to bring with you so you feel a little more comfortable?” she asked with her head tilted. “yeah, but I haven’t thought of who yet.” I said. “okay, well let’s head back home. I know your dad will get off work soon.” she said, I nodded in agreement.

on our way back home, I closed my eyes, feeling a little more at ease about them getting married. it’s just going to take some more time to be fully okay with it. I fell asleep on the drive back.

in the blink, two weeks had already passed. wednesday night, the night before the court date. I still haven’t found someone to go with me. ryujin and felix were too busy, seungmin said he could go, but an emergency happened and now he couldn’t make it. I sighed in bed, looking at the moon casting down dimming and lightening my room. I looked at the time and saw it was 11:30pm. it’s going to be a long restlessness night. I sat up and got out of bed so I could make some warm tea. that’s when I noticed hyunjin’s bedroom light on and blinds up. then it hit me, I had asked everyone but him. I grabbed my phone from the side table and called him. I watched from my window waiting for him to pick up the phone.

my eyes widened as hyunjin stepped out of the bathroom with just a towel on and wet hair. jesus, the was man built. I realized a long time ago, he was attractive but damn. I felt my cheeks reddened and my lower stomach twist in knots. hyunjin picked up his phone and answered it.

“hello y/n.” hyunjin said with his tattooed back to me. I don’t think he knew I could see him, I was standing in my room…in the dark. “I am enjoying the view hyunjin.” I joked. he turned around and came over to the window. “have you been standing there the whole time watching me?” he asked, running his fingers through his wet hair. “no, I just noticed your lights were on and called you.” I laughed out. “ah okay. couldn't sleep I’m guessing.” he said. “yeah, the marriage thing is in the morning.” I said. “oh right.” he said. it was silent for a minute. “do you want to come over?” hyunjin asked. “can I?” I asked back. “of course.” he said with a smile. why am I now just noticing how pretty his smile is. “they’re not doing like wild rabbits tonight?” I asked about his parents, making hyunjin laugh. “no, they’re asleep. now come over.” hyunjin said, ending the call.

hyunjin was now in clothes and we were just hanging out in his room, drinking the same alcohol from the last time. having conversations about our childhood, cracking jokes, and just having a good time. “man I miss our childhood.” I said, laying back on his bed. “same. god, what I’m about to say is so embarrassing but I think you’ll find it funny.” hyunjin said, covering his face. “what is it?” I asked, looking up at the ceiling. “you gave me my first real boner.” he said, giggling.

I busted out laughing, holding my stomach. “you don’t, wait, what!” I said. my brain couldn’t properly process what he said fully because of the drinks. “yeah, we were the only kids at the time, growing up together and seeing you grow into the strong woman you are now, it was hot for 15 year old me who had a crush on you.” he stated. “you had a crush on me?” I asked with warmth to my cheeks. “yeah.” he said, making eye contact with me. god, I didn’t care if it was me or the drinks but I wanted to kiss him so bad right then and there.

“do you still have a crush on me?” I asked, not moving. “have you ever had a crush on me?” hyunjin questioned back. “if I answer, will you?” I asked, he nodded as he moved to lean on his arm, laying down next to me. “yes I did and I think I still do, I’ve been so busy, I haven’t thought about it I awhile.” I said honestly as I felt warmth go to my cheeks. hyunjin smiled and fell back onto his pillow. I hit his shoulder before covering my face, “you gotta answer you doof.” I said, wanting to hide from him. he sat up and moved on top of me, caging me in his arms. “maybe, I don’t know.” he said with a smirk. fuck it, I’m kissing him. I brought my hands up his chest to his neck, wrapping them around and pulling his head closer to mine. yep, definitely the drinks are kicking in making me this confident. “why don’t you kiss me and find out.” I whispered, looking at his lips.

he slowly brought his lips to mine, pressing them firmly. I whined into the kiss as he laid his body weight onto mine. his lips were so soft and tasted like alcohol. “you don’t know how bad I’ve always wanted to kiss you.” hyunjin said pulling away. “keeping doing it till you feel satisfied.” I said, smashing my lips back on to his. he moaned into the kiss and bite at my bottom lip. I opened my mouth and allowed his tongue in. I moaned as he explored, wanting to remember every part of me. I felt hyunjin’s hands go down my body and open my legs, placing his crotch right on my core. he was wearing shorts and I was wearing leggings, I could feel his growing boner.

I rolled my hips up, wanting to feel more. my hands made their way down and under his hoodie. I felt him shiver at my touch. he kissed down my jaw and starting sucking at my neck where ever he could. “no visible marks, please hyunjin.” I whined out. hyunjin grinded against me, making me jolt. “just one baby.” he whispered, sucking harshly on my collarbone. never stopping our thrusts to each other. I felt the knot tightly up, I wrapped my legs around his waist to pull him closer. “harder, make me cum. please hyunjin.” I pleaded. he put more pressure, bring me closer to my high.

“oh fuck!” I said, throwing my head back. hyunjin lifted his head up and looked at me. “cum for me baby.” he said, those words threw me into my orgasm. “oh hyunjin!’” I cried, as my legs felt heavy. hyunjin held on to them and he kept pushing onto me, trying to reach his high as well. hyunjin started whining, trying not to break his pace. “gonna cum.” he said, pushing his head into my neck. the friction was over stimulating me, making me whine once again. he moaned loudly as he came in his shorts. he rode out his high with whines before fully stopping. I pushed my hand into his hair, rubbing his scalp. “fuck that was too good to be true.” he said. I laughed out, running my other hand down his back. we stayed in place, just enjoying what just happened.

just then I remembered why I called him in the first place. “will you come with me tomorrow?” I asked. “I can try. it’s such a late notice but I’ll see what I can do.” hyunjin answered. I nodded my head, understanding. “does this mean this is our first date as boyfriend and girlfriend?” I asked, with a laugh. “I don’t remember either of us asking the other out.” he said, lifting himself up. I rolled my eyes, “we literally just rubbed up against each other till we came like teens using pillows.” I laughed. “I’m waiting y/n.” hyunjin said, cupping his hand to his ear. I pushed him off me and rolled over. “go clean up and change your shorts.” I said, getting up to use the bathroom. “you can stay the night since you live next door.” he called out as I closed the door. “okay.” I said, with a big smile.

when I came back out, hyunjin was already in bed. I climbed in and snuggled under the warm covers. “your bed is so comfy.” I said, closing my eyes. hyunjin wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into him. “good to know.” he said, placing his head above mine with his chin on the top of my head. I quickly fell asleep to hyunjin’s breathing.

it felt like the day was moving so slow. I had already left hyunjin’s home and back to mine. we’re leaving at 9:30, and still had half an hour left. I already took a shower, put on my clothes and did my makeup. now it was just the waiting game. I was sitting in the living room by myself, watching tiktoks. hearing the clicking over heels, I knew it was marilyna. I looked over and saw saw how beautiful she looked. she was wearing all white, but instead of a dress- it was a suit. I remember she said he never really liked dresses, even when she was little.

“you look beautiful.” I said, standing up. “thank you.” she said with a bright smile. “are you excited?” I asked, trying to make small talk. “very, but also nervous! is your guest on the way?” she asked, going to the kitchen. “well I asked him, but I don’t know if he can make it.” I said, following her so she could here me. marilyna pulled out a glass and filled it up with water. “who did you invite?” she asked, bringing the drink to her lips. “hwang hyunjin, the one I grew up with.” I said. marilyna swallowed and nodded, “the one who’s the tattoo artist, the one your dad’s not too fond of anymore?” she asked with a sly smile. I laughed, “yeah, hopefully he can make it.” I said. “I hope so too.” she said.

“okay ladies, you ready?” I heard my dad say as he walked into the room. “of course.” marilyna said, hugging him. I felt my heart swell but break at the same time. at least he’s happy, I looked at how big my dad smiled. god, I missed seeing him smile like this. they let go of their hug so he could turn to me. “marilyna said you invited someone?” he asked. “yes, but I don’t know if he can make it.” I explained, making my dad nod. marilyna looked at her phone and saw the time. “it’s time to go!” she said, patting my dad on his chest. “let’s move then.” dad said.

we headed to the car and hopped in. as we got on the road, I texted hyunjin telling him we were headed that way. I watched out the window, looking at the scenery. today is a happy day, I reminded myself, though I still felt alone. I looked at my phone and hyunjin didn’t even see the text. I’m guessing he can’t make it, he would have responded. the car ride was thirty minutes, but felt like ten. we arrived at the courthouse in no time and parked. I walked beside marilyna as we headed inside. I guess she could feel my nervousness, because she rubbed my shoulder. “we’re gonna be okay, I promise.” she told me. I smiled at her as I followed along with them. I looked back to see if I could see hyunjin’s car, but no sign of him. I took a deep breath and prepared myself with sappy vows.

it was time. there was marilyna and my dad, standing in front of the officiant. I zoned out as they were doing everything, the words came back as mumbles. I knew they had gotten to the part where they said their own vows, my dad going first. I looked at the ground to regain focus, taking a deep breath. I looked back up as he finished with slight tears in his eyes. I felt tears spring to my eyes, I wiped them away as someone grabbed my hand.

I looked to my left and saw hyunjin. I stepped closer to him and brought my other hand to his bicep. “you made it.” I whispered to him, still facing the front. “yeah, I did.” he said, focusing on marilyna’s vows. I felt at ease with him being here. I only caught the last little bit of hers.

“as I have spent my whole life looking for my other half, I knew it was you from the moment we met. I promise that each kiss will be filled with more love than the last and that our days together will grow in love and devotion.” she said, with tears going down her cheeks as she held the ring to this finger. “today you will be my husband, but we will be soulmates forever. this ring I give to you as a token of my love and devotion to you. I pledge to you all that I am and all that I will ever be as your wife. with this ring, I gladly marry you and join my life to yours.” she finished as she placed the ring on him.

the officiant smiled, “by the power of your love and the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife! you may kiss.” they said. hyunjin and I clapped as they kissed. once they pulled away, they talked to the officiant a little. marilyna looked back at us and noticed hyunjin, giving him a wave. hyunjin nodded back as he mouthed congratulations. marilyna motioned us that we could leave the room, with that hyunjin pulled me out of the building.

“was it just me or did the whole room feel stuffy?” hyunjin asked with a laugh. “it’s called love hyunjin.” I said, bumping his shoulder. “oh right.” he said with a nod. I smiled and stood in front of him. he wrapped his arms around my waist. “but love is so cliché now a days.” he said, bringing his forehead to mine. “yeah totally.” I said, leaning up to giving him a small kiss. I laughed into the kiss before giving him a hug. “thank you for coming. you look nice by the way.” I mumbled into his chest. “thank you.” he said, pulling me out of the hug. “you look pretty as well.” hyunjin responded back, cupping my cheek. before he could kiss me again, the doors opened behind us- making us jump apart.

“it’s official!” marilyna said, holding the paper while holding my dad’s hand. “hyunjin, you’re the one y/n invited?” my dad asked as they got closer to us. “yes, I didn’t want my girlfriend to feel to many emotions by herself.” hyunjin explained, making my dad and I’s jaw drop. that little bitch. “you two are dating?” marilyna asked. hyunjin looked at me, pulling me to his side. “yes we are.” he said with a smile. good thing I had blush and makeup on or you would be able to see how red on cheeks were. I looked back at my dad, I could tell he was trying to hide that he was upset with happiness. “well, treat her right then.” my dad said, looking at hyunjin. “of course I will.” he said back. they stared at each other. “okay then, let’s go back home and go eat.” marilyna said, pulling my dad to the car. “you riding with hyunjin?” she asked me. “ah yeah.” I said, looking back at hyunjin, who nodded. “okay, we’ll meet you back at the house.” she called out.

hyunjin held out his hand for me to grab. “I thought one of us had to ask the other out.” I said, grabbing his. he laughed, “well y/n, will you be my girlfriend?” he asked as we got to his car. I brought my finger to my chin to think. hyunjin walked me backwards into his car to trap me. “just say yes to your big doofball.” he said, dragging his hands up to my waist. “yes.” I said, making him smile and lean in to kiss me.

I tilted my head up to deepen the kiss. I brought my hands up his chest and pulled at his suit jacket. he groaned, placing one of his hands behind me into the car. “don’t get too needy now baby.” he mumbled, taking his lips down my neck as I pushed my hips into his. I leaned my head into his, relishing the feeling of his lips on my skin.

he pulled away and took out the keys, unlocking the car. “let’s go eat.” he said, opening the passenger door for me. I hopped in, putting my seatbelt on as hyunjin closed the door and came to the driver’s side. “what’s are we eating?” he asked as he started the car. “it’s homemade pizza, just made for the occasion.” I said. “god, I haven’t had homemade pizza in so long.” he said, pulling out of the courthouse.

“so there’s no honeymoon for you guys?” hyunjin asked as he got a second piece of pizza, wrapping his arm back around me. “not, just time off work. from today to tuesday.” marilyna answered, leaning into my dad. “well my parents have a lakeside house if you guys would like, I can ask them if you guys go there for your ‘honeymoon’.” hyunjin said, holding up air quotes around the word honeymoon. “you would do that?” my dad asked, sipping his beer. “of course. plus I’m sure y/n won’t want to hear anything at night.” hyunjin laughing at me as my jaw dropped. “hyunjin.” I said loudly, slapping him on the shoulder. everyone laughed. “please ask them hyunjin, we would be very grateful.” marilyna said. “okay let me give them a call.” he said, pulling out his phone. he walked out of the living room to call them privately.

“so are you two really dating?” my dad asked, putting down his beer as his smile wiped from his face. “yes dad.” I said, giving him a weird look. “honey please. don’t start this today.” marilyna said, pulling away from him. “to me, it looks like you’re only dating him because you hated the idea of me marrying marilyna so to get back at me by you ‘dating’ the boy I don’t like.” he said, making me laugh. “I may have disliked the idea of this happening but there was no way of me stopping it. how is me actually dating hyunjin going to change anything? hyunjin as grown up next to us my entire life, you know for a fact how he acts. just like you told me when you first started dating marilyna: I’m happy so leave it, please.” I said, crossing my arms. a few seconds later, hyunjin came in.

“okay they said you can and congrats to you both.” hyunjin said, slapping his hands together once. “really? thank you hyunjin.” marilyna said, standing up to give him a hug as my dad huffed. they pulled away from the hug, “you’re welcome.” hyunjin said, pulling out his keys. he unclipped one of them and handed it to marilyna. “here you go, I’ll have y/n send you the address. you two go pack.” he said with a smile. marilyna ran back to the couch and dragged my dad to their bedroom.

“they’re going to have lots of fun, ya know.” hyunjin said, making me gag. “why must you put those pictures in my head, sir?” I asked as I faked throwing up. he laughed and pulled me onto his lap, sitting sideways. “you say that like we didn’t- you’d you put it? rubbing up against each other like teens using pillows last night.” he whispered in my ear before nibbling at it. I moved my head away and gave him a stern look. “wait till they are gone.” I said, pointing at him.

“oh, I get to take you on your childhood bed like 16 year old me dreamed of.” he said, in the daydream tone. “pervert.” I said, moving off his lap. “I bet you like dirty talk, huh baby?” he asked in a sexy way. “please stop before they hear you!” I said with red cheeks. “you’re not saying no.” he said with a smirk. “shut up you horny hot dog.” I said, pushing him. “that is no way to talk to the love of your life.” he said, placing his hand to his heart. “oh I’m sorry sweet pea.” I said, cupping his chin with a put to my lips. we both tried to hold in our laughter, but broke five seconds later.

“okay we are ready!” marilyna said as both of them entered the room again. I pulled out my phone and opened it up to my dad’s contact. I handed my phone to hyunjin so he could type the address in and send it to him.

“okay it’s sent. have lots of fun you two.” hyunjin said. they both laughed, as they headed out the door with us following behind them. “remember to lock the back door at night.” my dad said, helping put the two suitcases in the trunk. “I will.” I said, waving at them as they hopped in the car and left. hyunjin and I walked back into the house, closing the door behind me. just as I locked the door, hyunjin turned me around and pushed me against it. “we got the house all to ourselves.” he said, kissing my neck. my hand quickly went to his hand and pulled. “hyunjin.” I moaned. “you sound so pretty moaning my name, but I want you screaming it.” hyunjin said as he pushed his hand into my pants. I moaned as he rubbed my clit.

“bedroom.” I said as hyunjin brought his lips back up to mine. he removed his hand and grabbed my face, pushing his tongue in my mouth. I moaned as our tongues twisted together. I unbutton hyunjin’s jacket and pushed it off his shoulders. he brought his arms down, making the jacket fall to the ground. he placed his hands under my ass and squeezed before giving it a playful slap. I broke the kiss with a moan and placed my head on his chest. “did you like that?” hyunjin asked with a laugh.

I grabbed his hand and pulled him to my bedroom. I pulled my shirt over my head, leaving me in my bra and pants. hyunjin did the same with his shirt, joining my shirt on the floor.

I climbed on the bed as hyunjin joined me, pushing me under him. “so pretty.” he said, kissing my chest, with his hands going under me to unclip my bra. he pushed it off me and threw it in somewhere in the room. he groped both of my boobs as he put his lips to my nipple. “god, hyunjin.” I said, arching my back. he kissed down my navel and quickly got my pants and underwear off. he brought his head down to the place I needed him most.

“tell me what you like.” hyunjin, licking my juices. I moaned, bringing my hand down to his hair. “tell me baby, I want to make you cum properly.” he said, squeezing my inner thighs. “two fingers, all the way in. curling up with each stroke out. and put your tongue on my clit.” I said, brushing his hair out of his face.

immediately hyunjin pushed two fingers in and tested me, quickly finding my g-spot. I whined for him to pick up the pace, which he gladly did so. “you taste so good. I could eat you out for hours.” hyunjin said before continuing licking my clit in circles. I felt the knot building up quickly. “I’m gonna cum jinnie.” I slurred out.

“yeah?” he said, picking up the pace a little more. I moaned out, rolling my hips up. “oh fuck hyunjin!” I said as my orgasm hit me. “there you go baby. cream all of my fingers.” hyunjin said, slowly thrusting his fingers still. I clamped my legs close due to overstim. “fuck, I need to be in you so bad.” he groaned out, removing his fingers to take off his pants.

I slowly rubbed my clit to get myself ready again. hyunjin saw me playing with myself and wrapped his fist around his cock. a bead of pre-cum leaking from it, letting a wet sound enter the room as he dragged his hand up and down.

“what position do you like?” he asked, getting on the bed. “doggy.” I said, flipping over. “shit okay.” hyunjin said, pushing up to me. I looked up and saw my mirror and immediately made eye contact was hyunjin. “you like watching yourself get fucked, don’t you?” he asked, wetting his cock by dragging it over my entrance.

“yes jinnie.” I answered. he grabbed his cock and slowly pushed in, stretching my walls. my eyes rolled back, head lolling down as he kept pushing in. “eyes on me baby.” he said, gently grabbing the roots of my hair and pulling my head up. “don’t let go of my head then.” I laughed as he pulled out a little. “pace?” he asked. “start slowly and you’ll know when you’re fucking me good.” I said, making him smirk. he slowly pulled out and pushed back in, starting up his pace. hitting my g-spot perfectly, moaning at every thrust.

“oh hyunjin.” I screamed out once he got to the pace I liked. “like that baby?” he said. “yes, just like that. god, fuck. harder.” I said. I couldn’t think about anything, other than how good hyunjin was making me feel. “shit, you take my cock so well baby.” hyunjin said.

“such a good girl for me.” he continued, making me whine and clench around him. “my baby likes to be praised huh?” he said in a mocking tone. I nodded my head, not being able to say anything besides moan and whine. hyunjin leaned over me, hitting deeper inside me, screaming out his name as he did so. “good baby, scream my name for everyone to hear.” he groaned out.

“fuck I’m gonna cum.” I cried out, as my head fell back down. “you wanna cum baby?” he asked, kissing my neck. “yes please. please rub my clit.” I begged. “so nice of you to say please.” he said, bring his hand down. he rubbed figure-eight’s as he left hickeys on my collarbone. “oh fuck!” I screamed as I came all over him. “that’s my girl. yeah, that’s it. cream all over me.” he said, slowing down his thrusts. I fell forward and grabbed his arm, “don’t stop till you cum.” I told him.

he moaned at my words and picked up his pace again. “I want you to cum in me, jinnie.” I said. “fuck.” he cried out, sitting back up to hold on to my waist. “fill me up, please.” I cried as I felt tears spring to my eyes. “fuck I will. I’ll fill you up so nicely.” hyunjin said, closing his eyes. his fingernails dug into my skin, focusing on the pleasure. I clenched around him, making him cry out. “fuck I’m cumming baby.” he said.

“cum hyunjin, cum deep in me.” I said, looking at how fucked out he looked. “promise that you won’t waste a drop of my cum.” he groaned, making eye contact with me. “I promise. I just want to be full of your cum. please.” I said, with that he slammed his hips into me once more. staying in place as his warm cum filled me, making both of us moan. “such a good girl, taking all my cum.” he said, pulling out his cock before pushing in once more.

hyunjin slipped his cock out and pulled me up. my whole body felt like jelly and tired. “you did so good for me.” he said, wiping my stray tears away. I leaned into him and sighed. “did I fuck you that good baby?” he asked, I only nodded. “can we take a bath before I fall asleep.” I said. “yeah.” he said.

we laid in the warm bath as hyunjin playing with the bubbles he put in. I giggled as he made a beard with them. “I love you.” I said. I realized what I had said. “fuck I mean-” I didn’t get to finish as hyunjin shushed me with his lips. “I love you too. I have for a long time.” he said, nuzzling his head into my neck. butterflies fluttered in my stomach. I smiled as I leaned into him. I closed my eyes and thought about us and everything to come.

so maybe I do agree with marilyna. it felt right being in hyunjin’s arms, like it was home and meant to be. who would've thought the childhood friends would get to together. sounds like a story. a story just for me and hyunjin to write and finish when it comes to a close.

lee know fic WIP

a/n: HELLO EVERYONE! sorry I haven't posted anything in a hot minute. I like to write/type on my laptop and I lost it in my messy ass room.😅 but I found it so I'm writing again! here is my wip of my lino fic that I'm working on. this is one(1) of three(3) things I'm working on. the other 2 are my part 2's to the 3racha fic and hyunjin fic. most likely 3racha will be posted before this one and the hyunjin fic are done. ANYWHO! I hope you enjoy this little part, I would love your comments on it and I hope you have a good rest of your day!🤧💕

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I woke up to my head pounding, alarms going off, and smoke clouding my vision. I squinted my eyes to try to find my brother. no sign of him, just lower ranked comrades running back and forth trying to get everyone to safety. my back against the wall as I sat on the floor. another boom shook the ship. shit. I carefully got up without falling and ran down the hall to the main floor. fire coming from the top and bottom north deck. watching the doors close as people were still running trying to make it through. I couldn’t bare the slight nor did I have time to help. the closing of the doors and flashing yellow lights meant that my brother was ejecting that part of the ship.

I made my way to the blue door that was to my left, the one that goes straight to the captain’s chair, and scanned my ID, praying to the gods it would work. no sound came through, but the green light popped signaling the door could be opened.

“thank you gods.” I said, opening the door and running the long path. please let everyone be there. I turned right and pushed the door swaying doors open, making everyone in the room turn their head. jisung was the first one to get to me.

“y/n, thank the gods your okay.” he said, pulling me in a quick hug. I wanted to cry right then and there, but I held them back. everyone was here, had some open cuts but okay none the less.

“what’s going on?” I asked as jisung and I made our way to the table in the center of the room.

“the overlord defense force, as known as the odf, attacked us on the north wing, destroying both upper and bottom decks. I made the call to close the areas off and depart them from the ship.” changbin said, pulling up the 3d hologram outline of the ship on the table. changbin pushed a button to show a map of the outside area.

“they have hit us 4 times, but haven’t tried again yet. it doesn’t look like they’re waiting for us to shoot and they’re not sending a spacecraft this way. it’s odd. I don’t want to turn the ship’s guns away from them in case they do start up again.” he said, pointing everything out. zooming in on certain areas.

“I could take them with ease with just a simple sneak into the ship.” seungmin said, pulling the gun out of his pocket. jisung rolled his eyes, “yes, but it’s still a suicide mission none the less.” jisung said. I noticed a small beeping light on the right blind spot of the odf.

“what’s that?” I asked pointing to it. changbin rotated the screen and clicked the dot. “I don’t know, there’s no info about this craft. I sent them a message to state who they are but they haven’t answered.” changbin said, narrowing his eyes.

I walked over to the big window and looked out to try to see it.

nothing was beside the big white odf spaceship, until I took a closer look. there were pixel-like boxes dancing in open space. that’s wasn’t normal.

“guys, come look!” I yelled, not taking my eyes off it. “what are you looking at?” felix asked, following my eyes. “I. I don’t know, but something is there.” I said, pointing straight at it. “don’t see anything y/n.” changbin said, rubbing his forehead.

just as changbin was about to turn away, a big shot sounded off. fire and a big open hole enter the side of the odf, making it pushed back in space and all the lights going off.

“holy shit, where did that come from?” seungmin asked, looking out with his hands to the glass.

“whatever is out there just saved our asses I think.” I stated, looking back at him.

I watched as the pixelated boxes get closer and closer to us.

“oh fuck I see it!” jisung nearly screamed. “sung, calm down a little.” felix said, placing a hand to his shoulder. we all watched in awe as it came closer. “what the hell is that?” seungmin said, leaning into the glass.

soon the small little pixels turned into one giant pixel right in front of our window. we all jumped as a call started coming through. changbin made his way back to the table and answered the call.

“you look to be in some need of help my friends.” a new voice came through. felix jumped as he heard the aussie accent hit his ears.

coming back

seo changbin x gn!reader

(they/them pronouns used)

description: words make people, but usually not forever. losing the one you love. forever. why did it have to happen to changbin? was it a dream? it has to be. everything had a to a dream or it isn't real. they here with me. it makes no sense.

warnings: angst with some fluff parts, car accident, death of major character, depression, alcohol consumption(drink responsibly please), grieving, descriptions of panic attack, sadness, just sad.

wc: 3.7k

Post Date: Thursday, September 29th at 3:33pm CST

*comment if want to be on this tag-list*

coming back

seo changbin x gn!reader

(they/them pronouns used)

description: words make people leave, but usually not forever. losing the one you love. forever. why did it have to happen to changbin? was it a dream? it has to be. everything had a to a dream or it isn't real. they here with me. it makes no sense.

warnings: angst, car accident, death of major character, depression, alcohol(drink responsibly please), grieving, description of panic attack, sadness, just sad.

wc: 3.7k

a/n: I really made myself sad writing this....but I hope doesn't make you as sad and that you enjoy this. I'm sorry in advance!🤧😶‍🌫️

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why did I say that when I knew I shouldn’t have. I ran outside and tried to get the car, but they were already gone. shit. I quickly ran back inside and picked up my phone from the coffee table. I went my contacts and clicked of their name. bringing my phone my ear. come on answer the phone. it was to voicemail. “fuck.” I said, before hearing the beep. 

“y/n, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said the things I said. It was wrong of me and I was totally out of place. please drive safe, don’t drive if you’re about to have a panic attack or if your too angry. I don’t want anything to happen to you. if you think we need a break, I understand. just know that I do truly love you. please be safe.” I said before ending the call. I ran my fingers through my hair, letting out a angry cry. I sat on the floor and just replayed our fight we had.

that was 4 years ago, no one has seen y/n. no call. no sightings of them, no car. the search for them lasted half a year before slowing into almost nothing. friends and family have came to the thought of them being dead, but everyone are wrong. y/n is going to show up and be okay. I knew them better than anyone. they always talked about wanting to move away without telling anyone where they were going. y/n always said that I was going to go with them but then our fight happened and now I don’t know where they are. y/n is okay, they’re not dead. they can’t be.

I woke up to my alarm going off. I sleepily turned it off and got out of bed. I walked into the bathroom and splashed water on my face before taking a look at myself in the mirror. messy bed head, sleepy eyes with dark circles. I sighed as I did my other bathroom duties. I walked back into my bedroom, feels empty still to this day without y/n. I made my way over to my dresser and got dressed for work. 

“hey changbin, how are you feeling today?” chan asked as I walked into the dance practice room. “okay, I went to bed late last night. I dreamt of y/n last night and had a hard tine staying asleep.” I said, putting my stuff on the table. “I’m sorry about that bin.” he said, patting my back before walking over to minho. I looked down at my phone and smiled at my wallpaper. a photo of y/n and I. them leaning into me, while I kissed them on the top of the head. I sat my phone down and walked over to the rest of the boys to stretch. today felt like it was going to be an extra long day and I wasn’t ready for it.

meetings, productioning, working out, dancing. interviews. the day kept going with my thoughts entering every time I wasn’t busy. I could tell the boys were seeing how my mood was falling throughout the day. 

sighing for what it felt like the millionth time. chan looked over to jisung with a look I could care less about. I just go home and wait for y/n like always. maybe they’ll answer the phone today. I didn’t realize I was looking down staring at my feet, zoned out. till something made me jump. I looked up to see chan right in front of me.

“are you sure you’re doing okay man?” chan asked with a worried look on his face. “yeah, I just keep thinking about y/n, a lot more than usual.” I said, messing my rings. chan sighed, “changbin. it’s been 4 years without hearing or seeing them. I think it’s time for you to accept that y/n isn’t coming back. that they’re most likely gone. forever.” chan said sadly. I took a sharp breathe as I felt tears prick to my eyes. I started shaking and shook my head no. jisung pulled me into a hug. that’s when I broke down into tears. “if they are, then y/n’s death would be my fault.” I cried out in jisung’s shoulder. “no it wouldn’t changbin. I know you two had a fight but we don’t know what happened after that.” jisung said, patting my head as I continued to sob. though his words were firm and loud, they didn’t meet my ears. my brain kept saying over and over, ‘it’s your fault.' making me cry even louder.

one more dance practice and the day will be over. “changbin you keep messing up the same move. try to focus.” minho said, I met his eyes in the mirror and nodded. the chorus of the song started over, I watched as our manager pick up the phone to answer a call in the corner of the room. I watched as his eyes widened before he calmed his expression quickly. we watched as he left the room. “they probably forgot to add something to our schedule again.” jeongin laughed out, making the rest of them laugh too. but at the same time, something didn’t feel right.

“boys we need to have a last minute meeting.” our manager said, guiding us the one of the meeting rooms. we all sat down at the table, waiting for what news to come. “this is going to be quick, but you guys are going on a week ‘break’.” he said, putting air quotations on the word break. “there isn't an easy way to say this but police found y/n’s car in the lake just right outside of town.” he said. I felt my world stop and my body numb in seconds. “they found remains in their car too. they need to identify if it is y/n.” he continued. the room was spinning. I’m going to throw up. I abruptly stood up, knocking the chair I was sitting in on the floor. everyone looked at me, I saw chan’s lips moving but I heard nothing. I shook my head and ran out the room.

I need to get home or somewhere that isn’t here.

bad dream. it’s a bad dream. I’ll wake up any moment. I kept telling myself that, running out the building and down the road. y/n’s gone. the one I saw spending the rest of my life with. the love of my life. I kept running till my legs gave in under me. I fell forward in the dirt, on my hands and knees with heavy breathing and just staring at the ground. car in the lake. dead. forever. I dug my fingers in the dirt and screamed my lungs out. my mind clouded over with questions that could never be answered. no happy ending. I sat up and looked up at the sky with blurry vision. 

“why! why did you take them from me!” I screamed out like anyone was going to hear. I looked back down and gave a ground one good punch. 

then I noticed were I was. the small quiet park that was way pasted my house and the dorms. the one I used to take y/n to. I felt my heart break even more. I felt my body closing in my itself. I laid down in the dirt. I felt like I couldn’t hold up my body. I just stared at the trees, the playground, and the flower bushes. crying, that’s all I could do. just cry.

what felt like hours, i just laid there. 

“changbin where are you taking me?” y/n asked as they walked beside me. i turned my head to them and smiled. “I think you know where.” I said. “is it the park?” y/n asked as their eyes light up. “yes it is.” I said, grabbing their hand and kissing it. “i’m going on the swings first! will you use me binnie?” they asked. “of course, why wouldn’t I.” I said as we finally made it to the park. y/n ran ahead of me, dragging me with them as they got to the swings.

they sat down and started to lightly swing. I smiled and walked around behind them. grabbing the cold metal chains, pulling back the swing. pushing it once it was high enough. hearing them laugh, making my smile hard at their voice. “hey changbin, guess what?” they said before going back in the air. “what?” I asked as they came back. “I love you.” they said quickly before going back up. feeling my heart skip a beat. they said it first. as they came back, I grabbed the swing making it swing side to side. “ah!” y/n said, hanging on tight. I wrapped arms around their neck and turned their head to me. I kissed their lips. strawberry lip balm on the their lips. “I love you too.” I whispered to them after I pulled away.

I finally had the energy to get back up. not knowing what time it was, I began my slow walk to the dorm. not having the heart to walk to a home that was meant for two. the sidewalk empty, the night sky still dark, and street lamps shining. I entered the building and went up to the level we live on. I got to the door and remembered I don’t have my keys or phone. I knocked on the door, hoping someone was up. very quickly the door swung open to a worried jisung. “chan, hyunjin! he’s here!” he called back into the apartment as he opened it enough for me to enter.

I hardly made it through the doorway when chan pulled me into the bone crushing hug. “where were you?” he asked when he pulled away. “at the park.” I answered, taking off my shoes. hyunjin rubbed my back to clean off the dirt. “you’ve been gone for 5 hours. it’s 3am.” jisung said. “okay. I just want to sleep guys, okay.” I said, pulling away from all them and going to my room. “alright. if you need one of us, we’ll be in our rooms.” hyunjin says. I nodded and walked down the hall to my room.

I closed to door and sighed. I looked around my room and saw my phone on the night stand. I walked over to my bed and got in. not even bothering changing before getting under the covers. I grabbed one of my pillows and held it tightly to my chest. 

“one day there is going to be a ring right here.” I said pointing to said finger, making y/n smile. “really? we’ve been together for 3 years. how many more till then?” they asked. I just shrugged my shoulders with a smile. “we are going to have a small wedding with all our friends. honeymoon to wherever you choose. then after a few years made a kid or two if we see fit.” i said, holding them close in my embrace. “oh, you’ve really thought about this?” they laughed out. I nodded and placed my hand on their cheek.

“I love you. your the love of my life. you’re the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.” I said, kissing them. y/n hummed into the kiss and grabbed the back of my neck as the kiss turned into to a make out scene. they pulled away and looked at me with so much love in their eyes.

“make love to me seo changbin.” they said.

I shot up out of bed. did I fall asleep? I can’t tell. I grabbed my phone and looked at the time. 4am. it’s only been an hour? I got up from bed and deceived to go get something to drink. I entered the kitchen and opened up the fridge. milk, orange juice, water…I bent down and at the bottom shelf. 4 bottles of soju. I quickly grabbed one and went to open it.

taking a big gulp of the stinging liquor, before downing the bottle, I grimaced at the taste but went to go get a second bottle. very quickly all four bottles were gone. I sat on the floor against the cabinet. I laughed bitterly as I remembered I bought a ring. a waste of fucking money.

“hello how can help you?” a nice woman said as she walked over to me. “yes, I’m going for an engagement ring for my partner.” I said with a proud smile. “yes! they are right over here. what ring size are they?” she said as she walked over to the beautiful rings. I told her the size and also I didn’t really had a limit on price. I waited as she pulled out all sorts of rings. “all of them are very beautiful.” I told her “yes but only will be special enough.” she told me. 

40 minutes of taking my time of looking at rings. then one finally caught my eye. a very simple ring. their birthstone as the center and two white diamonds on each side. it made me instantly think of y/n. I pointed to the ring and said that’s the one. the lady smiled and helped me check out.

I hid the box in my desk, in one of the compartments. where I kept meaningless wires and miscellaneous items where I know they won’t look.

“changbin?” I heard, waking me from my daze. the kitchen light was now turned on but I couldn’t make out who was in front of me. “I bought a ring for y/n you know. I was going to marry them.” I said with tears in my eyes as I hiccupped. “changbin.” they said again as they walked over to me. “now it’s a useless ring.” I said as they helped me up. “did you drink each bottle we had?” the person asked me. I shrugged my shoulders as they put one of my arms over their shoulder.

“let’s get you to bed changbin.” he said as we walked back to my room.

the person helped to bed and under the covers. “thanks whoever you are.” I slurred. “I’m chan, changbin.” he said, tucking me in. I nodded my head as I felt my head become heavy, more drunk then I’ve ever been. “try to get more sleep changbin.” he said, turning off the light. he was about to exited as I quickly at up. “where’s y/n?” I asked, looking around the room. chan froze, his head hung down. “their gone changbin. remember what our manager said earlier.” he said with a sad tone. “no they aren’t.” I said, trying to get out of bed.

chan rushed to the bed. “no changbin.” he said firmly. “no I need to find y/n.” I said, fighting to get out of the bed. chan called my name again but I ignored him. “they’re probably scared.” I said. “changbin! y/n. is. dead.” chan said as tears in his eyes. I stopped and stared into chan’s. “they're gone binnie. y/n isn't coming back.” he said as the tears fell down his cheeks. then everything hit me a 2nd time. car. lake. y/n. 

I bursted into tears as chan pulled me into his chest. 

chan held on to his friend till he fell asleep in his arms. he carefully laid changbin down on his pillow and tucked him once again. he walked over to the door and took one last look at changbin. chan felt his own heart breaking at the state that changbin was in. changbin was already walking on a thin line with egg shells. with the news, it broke that line and now he was falling into the dark bottomless pit below. that he doesn’t know if changbin can climb out of. he can only hope for the best.

“changbin! changbin!” he said a voice say. he turned over with the cold sweats, his own body still trying to waking up. “changbin!” they yelled louder, making him sit up in bed. he was breathing heavily, he looked around the room. he was back in his house. “hey binnie, you’re okay.” he turned his head to his left and saw y/n. he nearly had a heart attack. moving away from them, almost sacred like.

“y/n. you’re alive? or am I dead?” he said, checking his own body. “changbin, you were just having a nightmare.” they explained, pushing my hair from my face. he shook his head. “no but we got into a fight and you left and dead.” changbin rambled. “no baby. I didn’t, I went for a drive and 10 minutes later came back home. you were already asleep in bed. I listened to your voicemail. we both said things we shouldn’t have and I’m also sorry.” they said. he couldn’t believe if it was real, so he slapped himself. and hard too. “changbin!” they said, grabbing my hand. “stop, this is real life. I’m okay. you’re okay. we are fine. alright.” y/n said. he nodded, but y/n wasn't having it. “I need a verbal answer bin.” they said. “yeah. we are okay.” he said with a light smile. y/n smiled and leaned in and kissed him on the lips. “I need to get ready for work. I’ll visit you and the boys on my break.” y/n said, getting out of bed and heading to the bathroom.

changbin collapsed back on the bed. it was all a dream. a very bad and long dream. then again, your dreams go by faster than in real life…at least that’s what the internet says. changbin laughed at himself. I knew it. all a bad dream. 

“he’s barely showed any improvement. one week he be okay and the next he’ll have to start all over. he is so far into his head.” the doctor said to chan. they watch as changbin laughs on the bed before he stands up and walks to the other side and acts out taking a shower. “the death of y/n really destroyed him.” chan said. “I really haven’t asked but what happen?” the doctor asked leaning on the wall, looking at chan.

“well they had been dating for 3 years. they were totally meant for each other. one day they got into fight. y/n left the house, got in their car and drove off. changbin tried calling them. what the cops think is that y/n tried to answer the call and wasn’t paying attention and their car ran off the road into the lake outside of town. they didn’t find the car till two years later, changbin was crushed, he was going to propose to them. he didn’t believe that they were in the car since there was no remains in the car but he still grieved. no where near this state he’s currently in. we had a funeral, he seemed fine at the time but he was already falling in his head.” chan said, he looked behind him and saw the other boys sitting across the room. waiting for him to come back with a update on changbin.

“then two more years passed, every now and then we would catch him talking quietly to himself. he always brushed it off as him thinking of song ideas. we were at practice one day and our manager got a call that they, the police, found y/n’s remains. when we were told the news, that’s what completely broke him. he ran off, minho ran after him to make sure he didn’t do anything. he said changbin ran to the park that him and y/n used to go to all the time. he just cried and punched the ground and laid down. I don’t even think changbin remember what really happened at night. minho brought him to our dorm and changbin just walked to his room.” he continued, picking at the dirt under his nails.

“I remember hearing glass coming from the kitchen and saw changbin sitting on the floor. shit faced drunk. I took him back to bed and he fought me saying he had to find y/n. I had to yell at him at she was dead and not coming back, which we both broke down crying. I held him till he fell asleep. then the next morning, he was gone. changbin was completely in his head and couldn’t come out of it. first it was only at home, then during practices, backstage of our performances, till he said something on live tv and that entire time, he was getting help. but it just didn’t work. that’s when the company had to remove him and place him here, we hoped everyday for him to come back to reality. but I don’t think he’s coming out of it. it’s been eight years since y/n’s death and he’s been in his head for three years.” chan said. looking at changbin who now in the center of the room stretching his arms.

“that’s a very upsetting story but we’ll try to get him back for you and the rest of stray kids.” the doctor said. chan smiled at him. “thank you.” chan said. “did you want to say hi to him?” he asked, pointing at changbin. chan saw changbin now doing the choreo to back door. 

chan shook his head. “we have tight schedule right now. only enough time to see how he was doing. but tell him we’ll see him next time.” chan said to the doctor, which he nodded to. he held out his chan to chan, “well I hope you have a good rest of your day.” he said. “thank you, you too.” chan said, giving him a hand shake. chan glanced at changbin once more before walking back to the boys.

he saw how the boys looked at him, with so much hope. chan just shook his head and watched as their hopeful looks turned sour. chan took a deep breath in and said the words he never wanted to say. but after three years, he wasn’t has hopeful as he first was.

“I don’t think he’s coming back to us boys.” chan said with tears in his eyes.

Mini Update!!!

I think I found something that will help encourage me to write more, so I did it today with my lino space fic that i seriously want to get out before the year ends. and it helped me write an extra 1k words on it earlier today. after eating some food and taking a nap. I'm going to see how much more I can write today.

stray kids reaction: they call you clingy

hyung line

pt.2

chan

chan goes mia often—regularly, you could even say. and that never really bothered you; you knew what you signed up for when you started dating the leader of an idol group. but you still worried about him, and so you sent him a few texts every day to check up on him and make sure he’s taking care of himself. usually, he was more than excited to reply, sending you lots of pictures of the members doing stupid things and telling you about his day, but today, he was acting out of character. despite sending him multiple texts asking him about his day and if he’s been eating, you hadn’t gotten a single response all day. not knowing what else to do, you give changbin a call.

“hey y/n, everything alright?” he asked right away.

“yeah, all good. have you talked to chan, though? he hasn’t been answering me all day.”

“oh, yeah, I just saw him. he’s been in the studio all day. you should go visit him, I haven’t seen him get up even once and it’s already evening.” he encouraged.

you decided to take his advice and packed a lunch, hoping you could drag chan out and into taking a walk at the han river park after having a little makeshift picnic in his studio first.

you arrived at his studio door in no time, knocking before letting yourself in. chan didn’t even notice you coming in, only realizing it when you put your jacket and the food down onto his couch. you smile and wave, not wanting to make him take his headphones off in case he was in the middle of something important. he glanced at you for only a second before going back to his work.

ten minutes passed before you decided to speak up. you shake his shoulder a bit to catch his attention, making him let out an exaggerated sigh as he paused the track he was working on to face you.

“yes?” he said in an irritated tone.

“I know you’re busy but the food’s getting cold. you’ve been craving pumpkin porridge, right? I made some for you.” you said gently, ignoring the harshness of his voice.

“I’m busy, y/n. just leave it there and go, I’ll eat it later.” he mumbled, turning back to his computer.

“chan, come on. I know you haven’t eaten all day and changbin said you haven’t left the studio all day. we could eat and take a quick walk and then you can come right back and keep working.”

“you asked changbin about me? y/n, what the hell, I’m not a kid you have to constantly check up on!”

“oh well, I’m so sorry I care enough to make sure my boyfriend isn’t wasting away in his studio all day. who the hell am I to worry about you? your girlfriend?” you scoffed, finally getting annoyed at his attitude.

“were you always this clingy? for fuck’s sake, just leave me alone!” he yelled loudly, startling you.

you left without another word, too pissed off and hurt to keep fighting with him. you didn’t even bother to grab your things, rushing out of the studio and almost knocking straight into changbin.

“hey, what’s wrong?” he questioned, seeing you red in the face and teary-eyed.

“nothing, I have to go.” you said quietly, trying to control your voice so it wouldn’t waver or crack.

“y/n, it’s already dark out, is chan not taking you home?”

you just shook your head, pushing past him and heading out into the night, walking quickly away from the building as the cold air hit your face and made you shiver. if chan wanted you to leave him alone, you would do just that.

lino

lino liked his personal space. and you knew that, so you respected his boundaries, no questions asked. but you were unlike lino in this way; you wanted to be smothered in affection, something he wouldn’t do even if you begged and pleaded with him. you didn’t mind though, as long as he let you do it to him instead and you got a cuddle back in return.

you were in one of those moods when he got home tonight, immediately wrapping your arms around him as soon as he walked through the door. usually, he’d playfully whine before giving you a little peck on the forehead and dragging you to the couch for a proper cuddle, but seeing that he practically threw you off of him, you could tell he wasn’t happy with your affections. you tumbled backwards, knocking over a vase of flowers he’d brought home the day prior from the coffee table.

“shit, could you be anymore clumsy, y/n? as if I don’t have enough on my plate.” he groaned loudly.

“hey, it’s not like I did it on purpose. you pushed me off of you and I bumped into it.” you said meekly, not wanting to upset him anymore than he already was.

“maybe if you weren’t so desperate for my attention, we wouldn’t be in this mess,” he muttered, rolling his eyes as he threw his jacket and bag on to the couch. “stay out of my way so I can clean this properly.”

“no, I’ll do it.” you say, making a beeline for the kitchen to grab the broom and dustpan.

“what? so you can hurt yourself more?” he scoffed, following you into the kitchen.

“minho, I can clean up my own mess.” you said, growing increasingly irritated with his tone.

“I told you to stay out of my way, y/n. seriously, can I not even clean up a mess without you clinging to me?” he sighed in exasperation.

“I can do it, move.” you mumbled, trying to grab the broom out of his hand.

“stop, stop it! just let me clean the damn thing, for fuck’s sake!” he yelled before pausing. “you know what, I’m just going back to the dorms since you can’t seem to leave me the fuck alone.” he jeered, roughly passing you the broom and dustpan before storming out of the apartment.

you’re stunned, standing frozen in the kitchen with tears pooling in your eyes. you don’t even know how everything escalated so quickly and how much lino’s words had hurt you. clingy? you always made it a point to give him his space when he needed it and to have all of your efforts thrown back in your face like that? you couldn’t believe how harsh he had been to you.

you quickly wipe up the few tears that had fallen down your face and started cleaning. you pick out the flowers first, grabbing them quickly not realizing a thin, sharp piece of glass had been sitting atop them. the glass slashed through the palm of your dominant hand, making it trickle out a dark stream of blood. you rush to the bathroom to wash the wound, grabbing a hand towel to apply pressure on it to stop the bleeding. but the towel soon became soaked in blood, making you realize the cut was too deep for a simple bandaid or two.

normally, you would call lino first in a situation like this, but considering the atmosphere around you both, you knew you couldn’t tell him, especially not after he called you both desperate and clingy and also treated you like a helpless child. you wrapped up your hand in a few towels and headed out for the hospital on your own, scared about how much blood you were losing and heartbroken over how you couldn’t even call your boyfriend in your condition.

changbin

changbin had been busy for the past few months—between tour, promotions, and creating new music, he rarely caught a day off. you both made it work though, with him coming over to sleep over at your apartment every night and you visiting him every other day at the studio. he usually loved your attention and physical affection towards him; anyone who knew changbin knew he would never say no to a good hug or a cuddle session, and that was even truer when it came to you. today, however, brought a completely different side out of him.

it was his first day off in a long time and you had planned a date night together. but as soon as he woke up, he was out of the door, not even bothering to peck you on the cheek before he headed out like he usually would, you were puzzled, but you figured he probably had other plans for his day, like meeting up with friends he never had the time to see or preparing things for your date. you didn’t mind, as long as he made sure to save his night for you. you spent the day shopping, looking for a new outfit for the place changbin had picked out for tonight—a new hole-in-the-wall a decent walk away from your home. you were excited to finally be able to spend some time with your boyfriend after so long, picking the nicest outfit without even paying any attention to the price tag, something you would normally never do.

you headed home and started getting ready. you sent changbin a text, asking him if you were going together or meeting there. without waiting for a reply, you start doing your hair, not wanting to be late for the occasion. but when you don’t get a text back after almost twenty minutes, you send him another text, telling him you were ready and waiting on him. after another while, you figured he would meet you there. 

you walked to the restaurant, sending him yet another text letting him know you were there. you went into the restaurant in a rush, noticing a slight drizzle of rain coming down, and walked up to the host.

“reservation for y/n l/n?” you say with a smile.

“ah, yes, follow me.” the host said, returning your smile as he lead you to a table for two.

you sat at the table, checking your phone every so often. you noticed the texts you sent changbin were still on delivered, making your mood sour quickly.

“a drink to start? wine perhaps?” a nice waitress asked, breaking you out of your darkened state. you ordered a glass of your favorite wine, hoping it would calm your irritation. surely he was just running late, right?

but after a whole hour passed, you were beyond the point of holding back your annoyance. you could feel the eyes of all the waitstaff on you, even catching a few of them whispering while looking at you with pitiful eyes. 

“would you like to order any food now?” the waitress tending to you asked politely. 

you sighed,  before replying, “can I just get my bill please?”

“it’s on the house,” she said gently, before continuing, “hope your night turns around.” she smiled.

you smiled back, thanking her for her kindness before leaving a hefty tip. you walked out dejectedly, coming to terms with the fact that your boyfriend forgot about you on the one day he’d had off in god knows how long. and as if you’re luck couldn’t get any worse, the rain had picked up and now it was full-on showering. you decided to give changbin a call before you headed out. if he had a shred of pity on you, he’d at least come to pick you up so you wouldn’t get rained on. he picked up, finally, after multiple rings.

“what do you want?” he deadpanned.

“where the fuck are you?” you spat out angrily.

“at the dorms, why?” he said, sounding irritated.

“our date ring a bell?” you scoffed.

“oh shit, I lost track of time. I’m so sorry.” he apologized, but you knew a half-assed apology when you heard one.

“no you’re not.” you laughed in disbelief.

“what do you want me to say, y/n? that I’m the worst boyfriend ever for skipping one measly date to hang out with my friends for the first time in so long?” he yelled.

“are you kidding me, changbin? you see them every single day. you’ve barely seen me for more than an hour a week the past few months.” you yelled back incredulously.

“you know damn well that’s not the same. fuck, were you always this clingy? it’s pathetic, really.” he drawled out, immediately making you feel small.

“I asked for one night, changbin. if that makes me clingy and pathetic, then I don’t think I can keep doing this.” you said, your voice barely a whisper as you say the last part.

“I can’t help that I’m busy, y/n. stop being so needy,” he sighed. “I’m staying at the dorms tonight.” he muttered.

“did you not hear me? I said I can’t keep doing this. do you not care?” your voice broke but you were too heartbroken to be embarrassed.

“y/n, I want to spend time with my members, my friends. if you can’t handle me not spending more time with you, then…I don’t know.” he sighed in exasperation.

“okay. bye.” you hung up before he could say anything else that could make your heart tear open and vulnerable anymore. and you’d never been more thankful for pouring rain as you walked home, glad they could mask how truly devastated you were knowing your boyfriend was finally sick of you.

hyunjin

you knocked on the door to the dorms before letting yourself in. it was your monthly movie night with all of the boys and you couldn’t be more excited for it. it gave you some quality time with hyunjin as well as his friends, something you rarely got because of how busy they all were.

the members were scattered all over the dorm, doing their individual things while they presumably waited for you.

“y/n! hey, you’re early, me and seungmin were just about to make some popcorn and get the snacks ready,” felix greeted you. “oh, did you bring something too?” he questioned, pointing to the bags in your hand.

“there’s always room for more snacks! here, you can put them on the table, y/n.” seungmin said as jeongin joined him in rummaging through the things you brought.

“you guys need any help with anything?” you asked, not wanting to be a bad guest to the boys.

“we’re almost done, but you could help lix pop the popcorn so we can set up the snacks in the living room in the meantime.” seungmin suggested.

you nodded, joining felix in the kitchen.

“it’s microwave popcorn so it’s not really a two-person job,” he chuckled. “but hey, catch me up on everything, we haven’t talked in way too long.” he encouraged, putting the bags of popcorn in the microwave quickly before turning to you.

you two chatted enthusiastically, catching each other up on new friends, work, school, and everything in between. anyone could tell you and felix were great friends and, aside from hyunjin, you would even say you were the closest to him of all the members. you laughed at a dumb joke he cracked, doubling over as you tried (and failed) to catch your breath.

“when did you get here?” an annoyed voice asked, interrupting your laughter.

“oh, not too long ago. maybe fifteen minutes ago?” you answered, traces of your laughter still lingering as you speak.

“I’m gonna go see if any of the other guys need any help. can you pour the popcorn out and bring it to the living room, y/n?” he requested, his voice mirroring yours as he tried to make it go back to its normal state.

you nodded as you grabbed the bowl from next to the sink. you smiled at hyunjin before moving in front of him to grab the popcorn out.

“how are you, my love?” you asked, loosely wrapping your arms around him before you go for the popcorn. he pulled your hands away from his side, muttering something under his breath about how annoying you were.

“what was that?” you questioned meekly, hoping you heard him wrong.

“I said you’re annoying.” he rolled his eyes before walking away from you and to the living room.

you blinked blankly, confused at his outburst. you poured out the popcorn quickly, putting it on the table with the other snacks before sitting down in the only empty seat, the one next to hyunjin.

“we need to talk. you can’t just say something like that with no explanation.” you whispered, distressed at his suddenly sour mood.

“y/n, honestly, do you think anyone wants you here? these are my friends, you just seem desperate whenever you come over. just go home, this is getting embarrassing for both of us.” he said, loud enough for all the other members to hear. the room that was once buzzing with conversation and laughter quieted immediately.

“you know that’s not true, hyunjin. y/n’s our friend too, and we want them here.” felix defended you, getting a chorus of agreement from the other members, too.

“yeah, right. like she wasn’t practically holding you hostage in the kitchen talking your ears off about her life without even giving you a chance to talk about yours?” he turned to you before saying, “it’s bad enough that you cling to me all the damn time, do you have to drag my friends into your shit, too?” he scoffed.

“you’re being cruel, hyung.” jeongin said quietly as they all watched you get up from your spot on the couch. you were embarrassed beyond belief; you could feel your face burning more and more intensely after every jab hyunjin took at you. you were speechless, surprised your boyfriend of all people could say such harsh, hurtful words to you, even more so with your—or, as he’s made very clear, his—friends watching.

you hurried out of the living room, rushing towards the door without so much as a goodbye. you quickly put on your shoes, catching chan begin to scold hyunjin as you did so. felix, being the good friend he always was to you, ran after you.

“you don’t have to go, y/n. hyunjin’s just being an asshole, none of us think about you like that. and I asked to talk about your life, I promise you you weren’t holding me hostage.” he cringed as he quoted hyunjin’s words to you.

“I know you’re not like that, lix. I’m just hurt at the irony of it all, you know? you never really expect your boyfriend to be the one to totally blindside you,” you sighed bitterly. “it’s probably better if I leave now. enjoy the snacks and your movie night.” you smiled sadly, finally leaving the dorms with a heavy heart.

Wildflower - Felix

synopsis- you and felix have the closest relationship so you visit his dorm to have baking lessons leading to him confessing only for you to leave him alone.

genre- fluff , angst

warnings: none

pairing- bsf!lix + bsf!reader

“Felix! noo, i’m going to kill you!” you say playfully while trying to remove the icing he put on your face. you look up only to see him laughing at your state before finally handing you a paper towel to clean the rest of the sticky icing off of your face. “you’re really pretty yknow…” he speaks up ,his voice sending shivers down your spine while looking at you with loving eyes leaning against the counter. “felix don’t..” you say trying to ignore your feelings for him.

“y/n..” he reaches out to you but you back away. “you know just as well as i do why we can’t.” you say in a soft tone. He sighs ,running a hand through his hair. “i should go, bye felix.” you say grabbing your things and walking towards the door. Felix follows you to the door, grabbing your arm turning you to him. “im sorry y/n.” You could feel his grip tighten “don’t leave..we can just act like i never said anything.” he looks at you with pleading eyes. “please, i promise i wont say anything stupid like that again.” you shake your head looking at him with a soft gaze. “you didn’t say anything wrong..i just can’t accept that i love you felix.” you say turning away to leave, grabbing your keys off the hook and walking out.

when you made it to your car you hesitate before finally deciding to leave. As you were driving you got a few texts from Felix.

y/n this doesn’t change anything right??

y/n?

I can see you’re reading these..

are you ignoring me?

seriously y/n

ok fine.

You look at the texts with tears in your eyes threatening to fall. The texts kept coming but something inside you wouldn’t let you bring yourself to answer them. Not right now anyway.

It’s been a month since what happened and now every time you would visit the guys he wouldn’t even speak to you -god forbid he glanced at you. He was always in his room staying as far away from you as possible.

maybe today was different because when you walked in he was sitting on the couch with han watching a movie he looked towards you waving with a weak smile before looking back to the movie as if giving Han a signal that you were there. “Hey y/n” Han says getting up, walking over to you with a wide grin. “We were just watching a movie if you wanna join.” He says gesturing to the movie playing on the screen. Before you could answer Felix stands up making his way over it you “can we talk…alone?” He says looking at you with soft eyes. You think for a moment before replying “I-sure, yeah.” Han just shrugs and goes back to his spot in the couch.

You were sitting on his bed while picking at your nails unsure of what to do in this situation. “Look, y/n I’m sorry..” he starts with a sigh “I’m sorry for being an asshole, im sorry for making you feel bad, I’m sorry for having feelings for you, I’m sorry that I ignored you, and I’m sorry I ruined things between us.” By the time he stopped tears were still flowing out of his eyes and he looks at you with pleading eyes praying you would forgive him. “Y/n?” You look up at him getting up and pulling him in to an embrace. “I never thought you having feelings for me was stupid..I just don’t want to hurt myself, Felix.” You say as your head lays on his chest. “You’re an idol…I’m a nobody who makes songs for a living and clean cafe counters when I don’t make hit songs. The fans would hate me and you for it and I don’t want you to stress about it because of me a-“ before you could finish he pulled you into a soft quick kiss. “Don’t you think I wouldn’t have asked if I cared about that?”

“I care about you, not other people’s opinions.” He says smiling at you with his tear stained cheeks. “I promise I mean it..” he whispers tucking a strand of hair behind your ear.

“I love you y/n” he smiles softly at you.

”I love you too lix.” You smile as you start to shed tears of happiness of finally being able to express your feelings for him freely.

“I’ll never regret telling you I love you yknow.” He says poking your side. “Ah whatever sunshine I definitely won’t regret it.” You punch his shoulder playfully.

- Sad September (angst asks)

A/N - These are all angst strictly angst (i may have broken this a bit) and I got this idea from @seungfl0wer you should check theirs out it’s really good!!

REQUEST - closed

1. “Why don’t you understand that i love you?” -felix

2. “You cared for me…why don’t you let me care for you?” - felix

3 “I’ve been just a friend to you? Do you not love me like I do?” - felix

4. “do you even care?” - hyunjin

5. “we’re done” - chan

16 with chan pleasee 🫶🏻🫶🏻 make it as angsty as possible hehe

prompt 16 - “we’re done”

member; Chan

The one thing you thought would never happen with Chan happened. You’ve always thought he was a great guy, never capable of doing anything so low.

You were wrong and you hate that you were, you wish it wasn’t true. It’s sad to think about..the amazing caring Chan cheating on you, with your best friend.

you haven’t talked to him about it but it was clear that you were distancing yourself from him. But he didn’t seem to mind.

It’s been weeks since you’ve last seen chris..your own boyfriend. He hasn’t even been replying to your texts at all and when he did he’d send short answers not even a ´love you’ just a ‘ttyl’. He would rarely send any pictures to show how he was doing or called to hear your voice.

You’re sitting on the couch reading when you hear a knock at the door. You set your book down and walk to the door opening it to see Chan there with a bouquet of flowers, all of the flowers were your favorite colors.  “Hey baby” he says walking handing you the bouquet before giving you a short kiss. You just stood there unsure of what to say or do.

you look at the flowers, it was a very pretty arrangement of course but your gut just wouldn’t let you be happy about it. It wouldn’t let you be happy about finally seeing your boyfriend. It wouldn’t let you forget the fact that he cheated on you with your best friend.

You could see the confusion in his eyes as the silence fill the room. “Do you not like them? I can take them back and get different ones.” He says in a hurried manner.

you don’t respond for a moment, your mind running a thousand miles a minute.

You feel tears brim your eyes as you look up at him “you cant just show up to my house…after completely ignoring me for weeks.” Your handd tightening around the bouquet. “Baby..you know I’ve been busy-“ you shove the bouquet back in his hands already having enough of his excuses “busy cheating on me by fucking my best friend?!” You could see the shock in his face “Y/N it’s not like that, I promise you.” He reaches out to you but you move away “I wouldn’t do that to you..”

“but you did, Chris. You did the one thing I didn’t think you would do.”

He stays silent as he sees your state. He could tell you’ve probably already known about it. “please let me explain…I promise it will make sense.” You clench your fist as he speaks. “You don’t have to.” You say taking a breath before speaking again “we’re done”. The look on Chan’s face breaks you but not as much as it broke you when you found out he cheated.

“you’ve got to be joking, Y/N? Please tell me you’re joking.” He says his eyes tearing up. “Please leave Christopher.” You say looking away from him. “Don’t call me that.” He cringes as you say his government name. You shrug and motion to the door trying to hold back any more tears. “I won’t ask again, leave.” You speak in a stern tone.

“Fine.” You watch as he walks to the door. He stops and tosses the bouquet to you. “I still love you..I did something stupid and yes that was my fault but I never stopped caring for you.” he says before leaving.

You look at the flowers scattered across your floor as you cry. You’d never think you’d care that much about him. Before you could curse yourself for confronting him you feel your phone vibrate in your pocket.

You open your phone to see Felix’s messages the number going up every few seconds. Atleast you knew you had someone to talk to.

A/N - I’m sorry if it’s not what you wanted but I tried 😭

“You cared for me…why don’t you let me care for you?” With Felix (him saying it, not reader please)

prompt 3- “You cared for me…why don’t you let me care for you?”

Pairings - Felix x reader

You were the support system Felix needed. You helped him through breakups, episodes, and even him just crying while watching a movie. You were there for him but yet every time he tries to comfort you, he gets pushed away.

You were going through a break up for the 4th time in 3 months for the same reason by each guy saying “we just aren’t for each other” but you knew they just didn’t want you to cheat with Felix, your childhood best friend.

Although Felix has known you since you were both 4 he still didn’t know much about your family but you knew a lot about his. He tries his best to comfort you all the time but you never accept it which put you in the situation of having that big argument every best friend has at least once in their friendship.

“I’m sorry, okay? I just can’t.” You speak running a hand through your hair. “Can’t what? Be grateful for me helpi- trying to help you!” Felix says. You don’t know what to say but you know that he’s right, you do push him away every time he tries to help.

“go on Y/N” he mutters “tell me why you just hate to let me help you.” He crosses his arms looking at you with a disappointed expression. You open your mouth to speak only to close it. “Just tell me, Y/N..please.” he begs, his eyes soften and his arms fall to his sides.

You could see the pain in his eyes, knowing you were the cause of it hurts even more. “I’m sorry Felix I just-“ instead of finishing the sentence you sigh trying to avoid looking at him. If someone would’ve told you years ago that you and Felix would be in an argument like this you’d probably laugh in their face and call Felix to laugh about it with him.

unfortunately that wasn’t the case for you guys, you were both arguing in the middle of tour living room because you kept pushing him away when he tried to comfort you.

“You cared for me…why don’t you let me care for you.” You look up at Felix to see a pained expression on his face. “Im just not used to it, and I’m sorry.” you speak in a soft tone.

You see him sigh and run a hand through his hair. Before you could say anything else he hugs you. “that’s why i try to care for you…i don’t want you to have a safe space- I want to be that safe place for you.” he mumbles as he lays his head in the crook of your neck. Instead of pushing him off you hug him back. you could feel his body loosen up before hearing him speak again “thank you Y/N”.

When he speaks you feel yourself calm down feeling less tense by his hug. This was the first time you’ve ever felt comfortable with someone enough to allow them to help you. Maybe him helping you was never that bad and you should’ve let him years ago.

prompt 1: “Why don’t you understand that i love you?”

pairings- idol!felix + gf!reader

Felix has been busy every night with work. You didn’t really mind it because when he asked you out he told you his schedule would be physically and mentally demanding. So with him being away so much it was beginning to make you feel like you weren’t important to him anymore.

On his end though, he really wishes he could see you more but with all the promotions and comebacks he’s never had much time. Although he’s been trying his best to spend time with you it always seems like he’s doing it just to be doing it and he doesn’t really enjoy being around you.

It was 2 weeks after the tour and Felix had finally come home. Instead of greeting you will atleast a small grin or light smile, he looked bored and dissatisfied almost. You couldn’t help but think he was maybe getting bored of you. It’s been weeks since you’ve seen him and weeks since he’s seen you, yet it seems like it didn’t even bother him in the slightest. It was like he became an entirely different person when he got back.

After a few days of trying to you decided that maybe he didn’t care for you as much anymore and you would just have to accept that and move on or wait for him to get more relaxed so you could talk to him without starting a argument.

You had just gotten back from the store and you see Felix sitting on the couch watching a show even though you could tell he was zoned out. “Hey lix.” You say sitting down beside him. No response. “How was your tour? Sorry forgot to ask about it.”…No response. You decide to poke him a bit which caused him to look at you with a confused expression. “I was asking about the tour?” You say with a beat tone. “It was fine” he says not even looking at you but either way you wait for him to speak again but nothing comes after. “Felix, did I do something to upset you?”

He sighs before looking at you “I’m sorry baby, I’ve just been tired from all the work.”

“Then why won’t you let me help you?” You speak unsure about this entire situation. “Y/N, please..not right now.” You stay silent for a moment staring at the movie that played I front of you. “Why don’t you understand that I love you?..” He groans before turning his head to look at you “I do understand that y’ know, but things have been hard. I’m sorry I couldn’t be around more and I’ll try to be here for a while longer. Does that help?” He speaks pulling you to lay on his chest. You nod and get comfortable. “I love you too by the way.” He says kissing the top of your head.

6 with felix please!!

prompt 6 : “I’ve been just a friend to you? Do you not love me like I do?”

pairing : bff!felix + fem!reader

(had to add some fluff the angst was killing me)

It was an ordinary saturday with your best friend, Felix, playing games on his xbox. It’s been years since you’ve met him. 18 years to be exact, you met him when you had just moved to Australia from America when you were 5 years old and he was 6. You became inseparable after only a week of being friends. His mom got close with yours so you could see him more often. Even though he only liked you like a friend you fell in love with him, his freckles, his smile, his eyes -god how you loved his beautiful eyes and his li-

”Y/N?” you jump slightly at his voice, just realizing you weren’t even playing the game anymore. “Oh, sorry.” You say getting comfortable again and putting the controller away. The worst part of this it wasn’t the first time it’s happened and you knew exactly why you kept zoning out while you were hanging out with him. You could tell he was starting to get irritated but he didn’t show it. “Seriously ? This is the 6th time today, are you sure you’re okay?”

He puts his controller on the table in front of you before turning to completely face you. “I want to help you but I can’t if you won’t tell me what keeps that pretty mind of yours running around 10,000 miles a second.” He say putting extra sarcasm in his tone. Without responding you lay your head on his shoulder.

Before you could even settle in he pushes you off and crosses his arms. “No cuddles until you drown me in your sorrows.” He purposely makes his voice an octave or 2 higher causing you to laugh.

“It’s not important to know right now.” You say light heartedly once you stop laughing. He smiles before feigning realization “omg..you like me.” Instead of laughing along with him as a joke you sit there shock. He looks at you confused not understanding your reaction in the slightest. The thing is you did like him more than friends but you knew just as good as the next person it would never happen. Even if it did happen he would realize we were better off friends.

“Y/N.. you like me?” He speaks in his regular voice losing the joking demeanor. “It’s not that, felix." you sit up straight putting a reasonable amount of space between you and him.

"so its not that you like me?" he says curiosity evident in his voice. Not knowing how to respond you look at him not speaking but you're sure your eyes tell it all. "you do..." he says as a smile creeps onto his face. instinctively you smile softly too but before you could speak he pulls you into a hug holding you tight? "god..you wouldnt believe how much ive wanted to hear that." he says resting his head in the crook of your neck. As much as you wanted to hug him back you couldnt. Instead, you pushed him away leaving him confused.

"This whole time...you treated me like just another friend, but you liked me?" you stand up, fighting back tears. "I've been just a friend to you? Do you not love me like i do?" he says hurt lacing his words, each one laying heavy on your heart. "No, felix. I do love you..but i dont wanna regret it." you sigh "i didnt want to ruin our friendship."

He looks at you like you just said the dumbest thing ever "do you hear yourself?" he says with very clear sarcasm "If i cared so much about that, why would i be overjoyed that i figured out you liked me? maybe i shouldve been more clear.." he clears his throat before speaking again "I.am..in..Love..with..You...Y/N...L/N" he says slowing down each word as if you didnt speak english. You couldnt help but smile at him "i am in love with you too, Lee felix." you chuckle before hugging him and suddenly tears stream down your face. "i thought you were gonna hate me." you say laughing through your tears. "well i went to "Hate Y/N" island and no one was there-" you playfully hit him in the chest to stop him from finishing the joke.

"in all seriousness, no one could ever make me hate you."

[2:25 AM]

The fresh bedsheets are cold but your skin is burning hot, cheeks flushed and tear stained. Normally, this would be a happy ending. The night would stop here, the day would come, you would go and Minho would pretend it didn't happen until the next time it did.

That was okay with you, it made things easier. You didn't want him to act any different for your sake; both of you agreed to this arrangement, and there were clear rules set out in bold text, underlined in red.

There were lines there so you would not cross them, and yet here you are. In his bed, staring up at the ceiling with an ache in your chest from your heavy heart, weighed down with unwanted thoughts and feelings.

His soft snoring echoes throughout the otherwise silent room, and it makes the walls seem taller and the distance between your bodies that much larger. It makes you feel vunerable. It makes you feel weak.

How could you have let it get to this point? You knew before you went into this that it could never go too far. The deal was there would be no strings attached, and you could leave whenever you felt like it.

Except you couldn't. You wanted to leave, wanted to tell him this deal wasn't working and you needed more, you needed him. You wanted nothing more than to be spending these nights cuddling instead of drowning your stupid feelings in a couple shots of whatever cheap liquor was in your glass and pretending you were only in love with his body.

More tears fall, dripping against his pillowcase.

You wish your feelings would do the same, just drip away until there's nothing left, but instead your mind feels full to the brim with 'what if's that you know are all painfully pointless. He doesn't feel the same. He doesn't care, he'll never care, it doesn't even matter...but what if-

"Y/N?" Minho's sleepy voice breaks you out of your thoughts, an arm reaching blindly towards your curled up figure to pull you against him. "Why are you still awake?"

You don't trust your voice enough to give a proper response right now, so you simply hum and let him hold you like it means anything to him.

He doesn't seem to mind, though, drifting off to sleep again minutes later.

His arms are wrapped around you and his body is so warm, but you've never felt colder in your life.

[5:15 PM]

"Y/N, you have to tell me what's wrong. I can't do anything unless I know, please," felix begs, hands gripping your shoulders tight as he stares at you. "I'm really worried about you."

"lix," you mumble, unable to face him so you face the floor instead. you can still feel him staring but you know if you look up and see the worry in his eyes, you'll crumble right then and there and he'll have to deal with a sad, crying mess.

he knows you're not going to explain until you're ready, and he respects that you need time, so he just pulls you in for a hug and stays silent. you stay like that for a good five minutes, just holding each other close as you breathe in his comforting scent, until you're finally ready to explain.

"honestly, I don't know what's wrong. I don't know anything. It's just so much and it's nothing at the same time and I just-" you let out a heavy sigh. "I don't know."

he leans back to look at you, but your eyes are red and teary so you press your face against his chest to hide. he lifts a hand to gently rub your back as he contemplates what you said.

"I get it. That's okay, take your time to figure it out. I'm here for you," he reassures you, and something about his tone tells you he understands what you mean more than you might have expected. "I'll be here until you feel better."

suddenly, you're unable to hold back your sobs. you cry into the soft fabric of his pastel sweater and he only holds you tighter, whispering sweet affirmations and telling you it'll all be okay in time.

"but what if I never do?" you whimper against his shoulder, taking deep breaths as you tremble. for a second, you're not sure if he even heard you until he hums curiously.

"what if I never feel better?" you explain softly, and even you are slightly surprised by how broken you sound.

in the earliest hours of the morning, when you're awake after yet another sleepless night, the possibility that things might never get better gnaws away at your hope for a happy future and sends you spiralling into panic and confusion. even now, you feel your heart pound anxiously at the idea, but felix's arms wrapped tight around you manage to calm your mind at least a bit.

"well," he starts, gently petting your head to comfort you, "in that case, I promise I'll be by your side through it all."

you want to ask why he would do so much for you, you want to doubt his honesty because people have said that before and proceeded to leave you when things got hard, but something about felix makes you want to trust him with your whole heart anyway. maybe you're naive, and maybe it's partially due to the way his voice gives you butterflies when he speaks softly in your ear, but he feels safe and you want to let him make you feel better without shying away, just this once.

so instead of pushing him away, you take another deep breath and rest your head against his chest again. "okay. thank you, lix."

Redamancy ['red-a-man-sE] noun ;a love returned in full

Part II out now!

{ Pairing } - idol!bangchan x staff!afab.reader (with a hint of bestfriend!jisung?)

{ Genre } - NSFW, the trifecta (s/a/f), frenimies to friends to lovers? idk but we'll get there in the end

{ Synopsis } - Han Jisung is your new bestie & technical colleague, of course you befriended the rest of his members. Group nights became a tradition, & tonight involves liquor and drinking games for the first time. Truth or drink?

{ WC } - 6.7k

{ Warnings & tags } - 18+ MDNI, NSFW, smut, angst, fluff, drinking, breath play (choking), swearing, dry humping, use of 'babygirl', mention of wet dream, talk of edging, talk of domming, talk of choking, talk of exhibitionism, all of ot8 is suggestive af when they drink, reader and jisung are PLATONIC I promise they're just touchy, they're all giggly drunks so overuse of laughing chuckling and giggling, chan is kinda dumb in this he just... is in denial land but we'll find out more about that later, unrealistic work scenarios, unrealistic dorm setup? idk lol

{ Disclaimer } - This work is in no way associated with the actual skz, and is a fictional piece. I DO NOT own Stray Kids, this fic is just influenced by them!

{ A/N } - Okay I know I took forever to post & this intro is hella long & I'm sorry! Once again, I will say this is my first skz fic. I come from the world of AO3 & dramione. I am out of my comfort zone lol. First time posting stories on tumblr too! So if I missed anything please let me know <3 there will be a part 2, I've already started writing it! The plot is weak af, but gimme a few more stories and I'll find my groove. Promise! Unbeta'd, be gentle with me ♡

It was supposed to be a relatively chill Saturday night, so you were excited. You just got off work, and had arrived at Jisung's. He swung the door open smiling and pulled you inside, into an immediate hug. Everyone said their greetings, and then Jisung went immediately to whining.

"Finally, what kept you so late?"

You took your shoes, mask, sunglasses, and hat off, letting your curls fall down your back. Then you unzipped your sweatshirt, shrugging it off your shoulders and exposing your fitted white tee. You gave your jacket and bag to Ji so he could put them away. You always arrived in 'disguise', in baggy clothing so that no one suspected anything. Though you thought it was ridiculous. It doesn't matter how baggy the sweat pants or hoodie is, there's no hiding the curve of your ass.

You were a content editor at JYPE, and had become really good friends with Han Jisung. Friendships between idols and staff certainly aren't forbidden, in fact they're encouraged to an extent... as long as no lines are crossed. But it's pretty much an ignored rule. Anyways, you were a small 'behind-the-scenes' employee, not a manager or assistant or makeup artist. Not anyone directly involved with any idols. No one off the street knew who you were. Still, over the last almost year or so, you and him became besties. You frequently shared meals together at work, had sleepovers, you even went camping. You were basically glued to each other. It could easily be taken the wrong way by the media and fans. Hell, it gets taken the wrong way by co-workers, other idols, and even his group members. Although they've mostly accepted that's not the case. It's a given with the way you two act though.

Your relationship is definitely platonic, confirming pretty early on that neither of you felt anything more than friendly love for each other. But you both love teasing the other suggestively. You suppose that's partly why you two got so close so quickly. Your personalities are so similar, it's like you share the same singular brain cell sometimes.

"Editing, per usual." You finally reply with a sigh, "We had to cut A LOT out of nexz's new video. They're so high energy, they slip up a lot, especially with the swearing, but nothing we can't handle."

"Gotta love kids." Chan snorts while sipping a beer.

You smile awkwardly in response and look around the room. Everyone is here, all with their preferred beverages, and chatting away or scrolling.

Ji comes back with a drink for you, he knows you're partial to tequila and always keeps it on deck. Normally, you spend every weekend you can together, which sometimes is not as often as either of you would like. Sometimes you'd both head back to your place, and just have all nighters, binge watching anime and gorging yourselves on junk food. More recently, like tonight, you get invited over to hang with him and the rest of the boys.

It usually results in a few drinks and a movie, or talk about work. Sometimes you just play music and talk and vibe, or try to cook food together when you get the munchies... Which more than likely results in Minho taking over because he just can't help himself. However the nights play out, they're always fun, and you're gradually getting closer to the rest of the members too. Although no one can compare to the bond you have with your Jiji.

"I don't wanna watch a movie tonight, my eyes hurt too much." He starts complaining.

"Poor baby." You tease and run your fingers through his hair, laughing.

"When are you two just going to come out with the fact that you're in love?" Seungmin asks.

You roll your eyes, "When dwaekki's fly."

"I can easily make that happen." Changbin laughs.

"We could play a game?" Felix suggests, already looking flushed from the alcohol.

Jeongin gets excited, "Let's do a drinking game! It's been a while."

"I don't believe I've ever played a drinking game with y'all."

Hyunjin hums, "Mm, you haven't. Mostly because we get crazy, we've never brought up the idea."

This piqued your interest, "More crazy than I've already seen? I don't think that's possible."

Minho chimes in this time, "You forget we're a group of men sometimes, I swear. Mix alcohol and suggestive games, it definitely gets 'crazier' than you've seen, inappropriately crazy."

You level him with a smirk, "I'm down."

"That's my y/n!" Ji says, while pulling you to sit in his lap, "Fearless."

You giggle and lean into him while Minho just narrows his eyes at you and purses his lips. Something tells you he's up to something, but you're ready for any challenge.

"Fine. Then we'll play something easy, truth or drink. If someone refuses to answer, they drink. Whoever finishes their drink first loses." Minho says.

"What does the loser have to do?" You ask.

"Pay for everyone's lunch every day for a month!" Changbin says.

"Deal." You say. 

You're an open book, Ji knows this. There's no question you won't answer.

Everyone is up now, getting new drinks & refills before the game starts. You can't help but notice that Chan didn't get up, he looks a little nervous for some reason. He was always the most worried about you being around so much. In the beginning it definitely came across like he didn't like you. Now you know that's not the case... you think. He tolerates you now to say the least. You couldn't blame him too much, he was just protective of his boys. You actually found it incredibly sweet, or maybe it's just that stupid soft spot you have for him.

He always tried to keep you at arms length from the group. Not wanting anyone to get too close to you. Until Jisung put him in his place, as best he could anyways.

You were in Ji's lap, watching Spirited Away. He was drawing imaginary lines and shapes on your back, while you rested your head on his shoulder, facing the tv. His head was resting on top of yours as well, and a blanket covered you both.

Chan walked in seeing this, and nearly had a stroke. He said we were being inappropriate. And specifically made it a point to tell you to be more professional as a member of the staff. Short version: know your fucking place, you're overstepping. 

You scoffed at him, prepared to confront him about his growing disdain towards you. Let him know he's the one being inappropriate, downright childish. But Ji nudged you onto the couch and got to him first.

It was kind of cute watching him standing there, ears becoming red and getting in Chan's face. Cute in the way that it was like a maltese puppy trying to stand up to a doberman. Then he proceeded to yell at him about how he was way out of line. Saying he was being flat out disrespectful and that he was done with the ridiculous way he has been acting about you. The last thing he said was that he didn't know what got into him, and that he'd never seen this side of Chan before. 

Chan was silent, looking intensely into Jisungs eyes. But he never backed down, so Chan poked his tongue to his cheek, then retreated to his room for the whole night. You had to scoop Ji off the floor right afterwards. He had let his knees buckle, and fell to the floor once Chan was gone. Citing that he wasn't sure he was going to live through the night to see the morning sun. Typical dramatic fashion for your best friend. But you soothed him, fluffing up his ego about 'defending your honor'. His words, not yours.

As that night went on though, the tiniest bit of worry coursed through you. Chan hadn't come back out. Not even when the other members came home, trying to knock on his door to greet him. Or when the food was ready to be served, you had even given knocking a try. Only after Hyunjin begged you to, because 'He already doesn't take care of himself. He needs to eat.' No, you didn't see him again that night until you had already walked out the front door. He slipped out behind you shortly after, grabbing you by the wrist and stopping you. 

You thought he was going to continue the argument for a moment, but no, he was apologizing. Not much more was said afterwards, but his apology was genuine and heartfelt, so you accepted it. You two ended up hugging it out, and thank goodness no one saw that, because it was incredibly cringeworthy. He had no more major issues after that. But he was still unexplainably awkward around you, but it's not like you were any better. You two simply didn't know how to interact with each other for longer than 30 seconds. And that was pushing it. You suspected that might not ever go away. He likes to keep his walls high and strong, and you're stubborn at times.

But of course,  despite that stubbornness. You developed some sort of feelings towards him. Feelings you refused to acknowledge, well tried to refuse. You would push those feelings down deep within your heart, put them in a little box, and tape it shut trying to forget it's there. There was no need to pine over the man, he had stay to do that for him, and who knows who else in his life. Somehow that box always ended up ripped open again.

There was never a reason to act on these feelings. Not to mention, you think you'd be breaking SO MANY rules. Putting your job, his job, hell everyone's job at risk. Or worse, making a fool of yourself when he would downright reject you.

You keep watching him, now he's shaking his leg up and down, seeming agitated. Maybe he just doesn't want everyone getting into a vulnerable state of mind while playing? Maybe he's worried somebody will say or do something wrong? That someone will cross a line, as he loves to say?

Trying to ease his negative feelings, and extend yet another olive branch. You toss a throw pillow at him, hitting him in the chest and pulling him out of his thoughts.

He looks at you, eyebrows wrinkled in confusion, and you just chuckle nervously at him saying, "Don't worry, it's like Vegas. What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."

"God how fuckin' corny was that?" Ji teases you, poking your side making you giggle more.

To your relief, Chan is laughing with you, and shaking his head, "I just want them to behave."

"Oh relax, we're all grown. We're all friends. So we'll get to know each other more intimately, big whoop." You shrug.

"Mmm..." He replied, before raising his voice so everyone could hear him, "Whatever is spoken about tonight, doesn't leave this room."

"I swear you're the one with anxiety sometimes, not me." Ji mumbles.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah... dad." Hyunjin says as he sits next to you and Ji.

"As if that announcement even had to be made, I swear, and you wonder why we call you old." Seungmin comments.

Once everyone is settled in with their drinks, Minho directs Chan to start the game.

"Jisung, when was the last time you cried?"

He laughed, "You're trying to embarrass me because you know it was this morning, but I am confident and secure in the fact that I am a sensitive man."

He said the last bit with his hand over his heart, and his eyes closed, effectively making everyone chuckle.

"My poor baby, why were you crying?" You question teasingly.

"Please don't bring it up, he'll start blubbering all over again. Stupid, sad, dog rescue videos." Seungmin mumbles.

"Minho!" Ji shouts, pointing at him dramatically, "This question is for you. If you had to kiss someone in this room on the cheek, who would it be?"

"Hyunjin." He said bluntly, making you and everyone else laugh while Hyune just rolled his eyes.

"Would you kiss me back?" He asked him, eyes full of hope and bottom lip jutted out and pouting, trying to act cute. And succeeding, honestly.

Hyunjin acted like he was pondering the question, but ultimately was the first to take a sip from his glass, "I decline to answer."

He looked to you next, a suggestive smirk on his face, making you the next victim, "Y/niiieee..."

"Oi, be respectful." Chan scolds immediately, not liking the look at all.

"All I was going to do was repeat the question!" He said defensively, "Y/n, if you had to choose, who would you kiss on the cheek?"

You tried hard to keep your eyes from trailing over to Chan, a tingly feeling spreading across your skin at the mere thought of innocently kissing his cheek. Instead you chose the easy answer, because it wasn't a lie. You'd also kiss your best friend on the cheek any time.

"My Jiji of course," And you took his face in one hand, squeezing his cheeks between your middle finger and thumb, and plant a loud smooch on each of them, "he probably only asked because he wanted one anyways."

He just chuckles, letting you baby him and Seungmin fake gags.

"Minnieee..." You pause trying to come up with a question, "when you dye your hair next, what color would you want?"

"Green, my entire head green."

"That would look interesting." You laugh.

You all go 'round in circles for a few rounds, completely forgetting about the rules of the game. Having now finished your glasses from casually sipping throughout the game, most of you have switched to occasional shots. You're starting to feel warm and tipsy. Of course the more you all drank, the more the questions started to get more... amorous. Which is exactly how you all assumed this game would go. No wonder Chan was so anxious.

However looking over to him now, he's definitely having a good time. Like every other person, he loosens up while drinking, but tonight he seems even more so.

"Y/n," Chan starts with a sly look making your skin buzz again. Among all of you, he is 100% the most inebriated right now, "when was your first kiss?"

"Yah! He tells us to be respectful, but look how he is after a few drinks!" Changbin yells laughing.

Chan loses it, "You're right Binnie, you don't have to answer or drink." He says in between fits of squeaky laughter. 

You think you could listen to him laugh all day.

You shake your head and snort, "I've answered worse questions playing this game before. I was 13 when I had my first kiss."

Hyunjin nearly spits his drink out, because again, no one is drinking just as punishment anymore, "13?!"

"Well, yeah, it's a pretty normal age in America... I think..." you started to blush, "why, how old were you?" you ask Hyunjin.

He hesitates, but eventually he spoke, "I was 18."

The rest chime in saying they were also 18 or 19. With the exception of Felix who said he was 16.

Without even thinking you start to say, "Aaah, see I was 18 when I-" and you're abruptly stopped with Ji's hand slapping over your mouth.

Your eyes go wide, caught off guard, but understanding as you almost blurted out unnecessary information. Nothing that Ji hadn't known obviously, it's just that everyone else doesn't really know you on that level. 

"Jagi, you only had to answer the one question, adding extra info, that's not how you play the gaaaaame." He says in a sing-song voice, "Hyunjin it's your turn to ask someone."

"No no no no! What was she going to say?" Chan chuckles.

When you looked at him, he winked at you, and you had to stop yourself from going limp in Ji's arms. He knew damn well what you were going to say. Why is he teasing, no torturing you like this?

You peel Ji's hand off your mouth to respond "It's not your turn, you'll have to wait to ask me that."

The group starts laughing and shouting, teasing Chan who is ignoring it all, just staring at you with curious eyes and his tongue in his cheek. Does he know how hot he looks doing that?

"Okay, so then I'll ask you. What were you going to say?" Hyunjin asks calmly, trying to fight the smile off his face.

You pour yet another shot, and knock it back thinking, what the hell, "I was going to say I was 18 when I first hooked up with a man."

Some members looked surprised, the game taking an obvious turn. However Hyunjin, Felix, and Chan started laughing again.

"I knew that's what you were going to say." Felix slurred. 

"Yeah I was definitely teasing you on that, because I knew." Chan followed.

"Mmm, well judging from the shocked faces of everyone else, you two seem to be the only psychics." You try to joke, wanting the attention off of you suddenly.

"No, don't get us wrong, not all of us are as innocent as you think." Seungmin says defensively.

"Oh really now?" You respond, one brow quirking up.

Seungmin just turned red, and sat back in his seat. To which Chan started laughing, yet again. He's a giggly drunk, and you love it.

"Don't tease my puppy, babe." Ji slurred, trying to reach his arm to console Seungmin, but ultimately failing.

"I mean I was 18 too, with the same girl I first kissed." Hyunjin shrugged.

"But what do you mean 'to a man'?" Jeongin asked with a shit eating grin on his face. 

You promptly turned into a tomato, and started choking on air.

"You're not that slow pabo, obviously it means she's been with women too." Ji says, rather loudly and speaking freely, all while patting your back.

You're quiet. It's not like it's a secret, you've never hidden your sexuality. But it never came up in conversation with anyone here, except Jisung.

Wanting to ease the tone, Felix speaks up, "Well I was 18 when I first hooked up with a dude."

"I was 21, but everyone already knows that story." Ji slurred.

The whole conversation triggers another group laughing fit. Except for Chan, who is looking at you with those dark eyes again. And... is he blushing? Or is that the alcohol? He eventually snaps out of whatever daze he was in, and slowly smiles at you reassuringly.

You mentally kick yourself for getting your hopes up, of course he couldn't ever think of you like that. You're imagining things.

"But then, how old were you when you first hooked up with a girl?" Jeongin asked again, genuinely curious.

"A lot younger than 18..." You trailed off laughing, "I'll just say in high school."

"The air is different outside of Korea." Changbin says suddenly, sounding thoughtful.

Hyunjin nearly collapsed laughing, slapping Minho on the knee repeatedly, despite the glare he was shooting him.

"Well I just answered a bunch of questions in a row so that means I get to ask two people a question. And the second person I ask gets the next turn." You say, making up new rules. 

"So... Chan." He looks at you with his eyebrows raised and you just smirk, knowing you're trying to get back at him, "How old were YOU when you lost your virginity?"

He gulps and looks around at the group before answering, "I... was 18."

"Chan-hyung, you never answered us when we would ask you! Why answer her?" Jisung whines.

"I honestly don't know, maybe it's the liquor. None of you ever asked me drunk." He starts giggling.

"Okay so question 2... Binnie!" He gulps and looks at you with wide eyes, "Are you more of a boob guy?" You say grabbing your own, not even really thinking about it, "Or an ass guy?"

Changbin started laughing and answered, "Definitely ass, but I appreciate boobs too, equality."

"I am just learning so much about my fellow members lately." Seungmin whispers.

"Is that a bad thing?" You giggle.

"Not at all, it feels strangely comforting, letting loose like this." He replies and smiles softly at me, "It's been a while."

"It's freeing!" Jeongin yells abruptly, throwing his hands in the air.

"Aye, my question is for you then Min. Have you ever had a wet dream?" Changbin asks.

"... what guy hasn't? Don't all guys get them?" He asks looking around.

Then you chime in again frankly, "Girls can get them too you know."

Why does it feel like you've opened pandora's box on your sex life, in every single aspect?

Ji starts laughing, nodding his head vigorously and you know where this is about to go.

"Really now?" Felix says, mimicking your exact tone from earlier, "What was it about?"

"Mmmm... it's not your turn to ask," Then you turn to Seungmin, "And if you ask me, I will absolutely drink and not answer. No way I'm explaining a sex dream right now."

Seungmin just rolls his eyes and huffs out a laugh.

"But I wanna knooooooow," Jisung whines, "You looked so cute having one last weekend, you never told me what it was about."

Everyone was watching you two closely now, waiting to hear how he knew what you looked like in that situation.

You turned around and smacked his arm, "We weren't going to mention that ever again! Remember?!" You attempt to be angry, but you can't help it and end up smiling.

"Okay, well now I'm curious since you two are bringing this up." Minho says with a glint in his eye.

"Y/n may or may not have had one when I slept over, and I woke up to her moaning and hump--"

This time it was your turn to slap a hand over his mouth, "Jiji, Sungie, my love, my sweet sweet SWEET best friend. I don't want to kill you, but I will." You say in a dulcet tone.

He raised his hands, eyes wide and nodded his head. You couldn't help but laugh, apparently you're a giggly drunk too.

Out of the corner of your eye, you swore you saw Chan adjusting himself in his pants. But then you reminded yourself that it was just wishful thinking and an alcohol induced hallucination. Horny hallucination. God you needed to get over him and under someone else. This unrequited shit wasn't for you.

"I'm so never going to drop this you know, I wanna know what the hell happened." Minho smirked at you, to which you flipped him off jokingly.

It's Seungmin's turn next, and he's just staring at Jeongin with a blank face, "Have you ever had a one night stand?"

He pauses for a moment and then finally answers, "No, I haven't."

He looked at you now, asking his question, "You know what I have to ask now, right?"

"Go ahead." You challenge, fully prepared to choke down another shot and not answer his question, and he smiles.

"What's one of your kinks?"

You were unprepared for that question. And how could you know he would ask that, these men like to fuck around with your head.

"Relax, I just wanted to see your reaction." He says before chuckling.

You glared at him for a moment, halfheartedly. They think they can just retract questions when they get scared that they went too far. Screw that, you're answering.

"I guess the most simple one I have is edging." You shrug.

"The most simple one?!" Hyunjin asked.

"What are you a masochist? Edging is the worst, feels like torture to me." Ji says.

"But the build up is so delicious, and the end result is so worth it. It's so intense." Felix chimes in, "Choking too, that can be intense." 

"Hm, breath play might actually be my favorite." You admit.

"Damn y/n." Ji says, eyeing you with a smile, "You're full of surprises, even to this day." 

You shrug again, "Everyone has different kinks... What's one of yours?" You ask him.

He ponders for a moment, "I like being dommed sometimes."

"Big surprise." Minho says and you all laugh.

"Good one though," You nod, "That's one of mine too."

"I think I'm an exhibitionist, to an extent of course." Hyunjin says next.

"That's also not a surprise." Minho replies.

You can't help but let your eyes wander over to Chan again, while everyone else is sharing different things they're into in bed. The liquor has everyone speaking loosely. But Chan doesn't seem to care about it anymore.

You find him staring right back at you, that same look in his eyes from earlier, and you feel heat spread in your stomach, and wetness starts to pool in your panties. Maybe you weren't imagining things.

But you don't notice that Ji's observing both of you in his drunken haze. Not too faded to ignore you and Chan eye-fucking each other.

Your heart starts racing the longer you hold eye contact, and you start shifting uncomfortably on his lap, before looking away and deciding to get up.

"Alright... I need some bread to soak up this alcohol, and then I need to get home because it's already 2 in the morning." You say with a shaky breath.

"Yeah, I'm wasted right now," Jeongin says and stands, "Bed's a good idea. Goodnight everyone." And he leaves to his room.

Ji grabs your wrist, preventing you from moving, "You're not going anywhere. We're all drunk, you can't drive and no one can bring you back home."

"Fiiiiiiine," You say, "but I still want bread."

"You and your bread fixation whenever you drink." Minho mumbles, heading to the kitchen anyways to grab you some.

When he comes back he hands it to you and you start munching away happily, doing a little dance.

Meanwhile, Felix is trying to tug Chan's arms to make him stand up, but he's fighting him on it and whining. Clearly he exceeded his limit tonight drinking. He probably won't even remember the looks he was giving you, you think.

"I don't wanna go to bed." Chan whines.

Felix finally succeeds in pulling him up, "C'mon mate, you definitely need to sleep this off. You'll be miserable tomorrow. Let's get you some water too, hmm?"

Chan reluctantly holds his arm, and follows him down the hall, stumbling over his own two feet along the way. You can't help but laugh at the sight.

More of the boys say goodnight and head off to their rooms, but Ji and Minho stay with you in the living room, chatting a little longer before bed.

Ji starts going through his bags, determined that you left some pajamas here from when you slept over previously, and he kept them in a bag to give back to you. He pulls out the nightie, that you honestly forgot you brought here. But you see why you didn't ever wear it at the time. It's dark green, spaghetti straps and has lace along the bust line. It also has slits on each side of your thigh, and only covers you to the middle of your thighs. Your go to sleepware was always nighties or large tees, they're comfortable and sometimes you get hot at night. Mix in the fact that you were drinking tonight? You're already feeling overheated. But wearing this?

"Jiiiiiii, don't you have any t-shirts I can wear?" You whine.

He's already under the covers, fighting sleep, "Sorry babe... haven't done laundry... Nothing clean..."

You whine again before taking it and heading across the hall into one of the bathrooms. It was this or sleep in your sweats, and that idea sounded entirely too suffocating to you.

You slip the nightie on and brush your teeth with your designated toothbrush you had there. Jisungs idea, after you had too much tequila one night and he diligently held your hair back as you got sick.

You sigh as you're leaving, and make your way towards Ji's room. Before you reach the door though, Chan walks out of his room. He's in a black tank top, and red boxer briefs... your eyes immediately trail down and go wide. His outline clear as day. But you change your view quickly, hopefully before he notices.

It doesn't help though, now all you're doing is eyeing his arms, the muscles cut throughout them. The veins that trail all the way down to his hands. God, his hands... What wouldn't you let those hands do to you...

He scratches the back of his head, and the movement snaps you out of your gaze. You find him staring back at you for a second before answering, "Sorry, I'll just..."

You start to shake your head, "No, no. No reason to apologize." You chuckle and start shifting on your feet. You feel the skirt of your nightie swaying with you. It opened the slit wider, and Chan immediately looked down at your exposed thigh. He inhaled quietly, sucking in air through his nose.

Any other day, you'd be scrambling to cover yourself. Feeling insecure and too bare. You don't know if it was the liquor in you, but tonight? Being on display? It turned you on.

You clenched your thighs together, almost involuntarily, and Chan didn't miss that.

Time seemed to be moving too slow. He stepped towards you, nearly closing the gap between you. He's only inches away, and looking down on you. His eyes have that dark, smoldery look again. He raised his hand and brushed the curls off your face and behind your ear. When he rests his palm against your cheek, your eyes flutter shut and you lean into his touch. It's so warm, and comforting. As if it was always meant for you.

When you open your eyes, you can clearly see the lust in his is only growing. He's not holding it back anymore, biting his lip as he stares at you. You almost whimper in anticipation.

"This is your opportunity to walk away if you're not okay with me kissing you." He says lowly.

You closed your eyes, and his lips met yours. The first few seconds were sweet and soft. Almost too innocent for the heat of the moment, but then he deepened it. He was pulling you by the waist into him, running his hands down and resting them on your ass. You could easily feel how hard he was for you, even through the thin fabrics. This time you let the whimper out, and he swiped his tongue along your bottom lip before sucking it into his mouth. When you tried to do the same, he didn't give you the chance. Instead he slipped his tongue in. It was like he was lost in desire, and greedy for more. You couldn't help it when your arms wrapped around his neck, pulling him closer.

He groaned and started backing you into the wall, his lips never leaving yours. He grabbed your thighs in each hand, and hoisted you up, slotting himself between them. Your legs naturally wrapped around him, and he started rocking his length against you. His pace was achingly slow, but still delicious.

You moaned and slipped a hand up to the nape of his neck, grabbing a fistful of hair. He breaks the kiss and throws his head back with his eyes closed. He half hisses, half groans, and you can't help but rock your hips against him harder, hoping to hear more. He grips your thigh tighter, and leans down to press a quick kiss to your neck, before licking and sucking on it. He's meeting each roll of your hips with rough thrusts. And even clothed, you feel how perfectly he's rubbing your clit.

Your head is so clouded with need. Need to be touched. Need to touch him. Need to feel him inside of you. You don't even think twice when he glides his hand up your stomach, and over your breasts. He gives one a light squeeze before moving up to wrap his fingers around your neck, and your brain loses all sense for a moment.

He's just resting his hand there, but you wish he'd do more. You're not sure if this man knows just how pliant you are for him right now.

Then he brings his lips to your ear and whispers, "Can I touch you?"

His warm breath gives you chills, and you nod your head as best as you can. But that doesn't suffice him, he stops his movements against you and his grip around your throat tightens. You think you could probably get off on it if he tightens his fingers just a bit more, but he doesn't, instead he says, "I'm going to need words, babygirl."

Your hips buck into him, and you breathe out a quiet "Yes. Please..."

With that, he yanks your face closer to his by your neck. He's squeezing ever so slightly tighter around your throat. He bites your lip and you groan. But he's quick to silence you with his tongue.

Letting go, he trailed his hand back down your body and to your core. Slowly he started to rub you through the thin lace. You were so sensitive, that when he found your clit and pressed a circle into it. You couldn't help but breathe out his name. He pushed your panties to the side, and when he felt you for the first time you felt him smile against your lips.

"Babygirl... fuck, you're so wet for me." 

And as he whispered that, he slipped a finger in you. He set a steady pace, dragging against your walls with a curl. Each pump hitting your sweet spot, and the heel of his hand creating delightful friction against your swollen bud. His breathing was heavy in your ear, breaking through all your helpless whimpering. When he added a second finger, you couldn't hold back anymore.

"Chan..." You moaned louder this time, while simultaneously letting your head drop against the wall with a thud.

He pulled his lips off of you, eyes wide when he met yours. He started blinking as if he was coming back to reality. When he looked into your eyes again, he looked startled.

"What's wrong?" You pant, feeling hot and dizzy, wishing he would keep moving his hands.

Instead, he quickly slips his fingers out of you, and sets your feet on the floor. Then he backs away.

"I'm sorry, y/n... I don't know what came over me, that was incredibly inappropriate and out of character." Chan mumbled.

Your heart sinks, as you feel the sting of rejection. Tears threatened to well in your eyes, and you immediately felt the oncoming headache from holding them back. You shouldn't feel so emotional and upset. This was all spur of the moment. But you do, you feel devastated.

Regardless, you clear your throat, "I understand." You force an unsettling chuckle out, when a sob threatens to escape instead.

He puts on a blank face that feels so cold, and responds with "Don't forget to drink some water, stay hydrated... I'll be heading to bed now, you should too."

All you really want to say is don't leave, because you want to finish what was started. Because you've wanted this for so long. Because the box you kept away in the depths of your heart had ripped open once again. And all the languished emotions were here, front and center, aching to bear it all to him. To let him see. Confess. But that would be selfish, he's clearly uncomfortable with it all. He probably regrets it. An alcohol induced affair. In his eyes, a complete mistake. 

So instead you say, "Okay."

Because that's all you can muster before the tears start to fall. You turn away,  going back to facing Ji's door. 

"Goodnight y/n... Sleep well." He says, and puts a tentative hand on your shoulder.

You shrug it off, and escape to Ji's bedroom. To your surprise he's sitting up in bed, and ushering you come to him with his arms open and bottom lip pouted out.

You run to him, a bit dramatically and fall a part in his arms. But you can't help it, you sealed these emotions away for too long. You were too hurt at the moment to even try pushing them back down.

Jisung is your life saver, he's comforting you, rubbing his fingers on your scalp and rocking you back and forth to try and calm you. He gives you time before you have to explain why exactly you're having a melt down.

"Chan's an idiot." He finally says.

And you lean back to look at him, confused on how quickly he's put two and two together.

"Well you weren't exactly quiet. Between your exaggerated moans and his animalistic grunting right outside my door, of course I heard it." He rolled his eyes jokingly and that earned a laugh from you.

You smacked him lightly, "I was lost in the moment... don't judge me."

"Jagi..." He says, and wipes the tears from your cheeks with his thumbs, "You've liked him for so much longer than a moment."

Your heart starts pounding faster again. How could he know that. It's the one thing you've kept from him, from everyone, hell you even denied it to yourself for as long as possible. Was it that obvious? Who else knows? You go to speak, fear written across your face.

"No. You were not obvious, in fact you're an amazing actor. I'm sure none of the other members noticed, and definitely no one else at work knew." He answers before you can even get words out.

You nod slowly, "So then, how'd you know?"

He smiled proudly, "I'm a people watcher, I see all."

You smack him again, a little harder this time.

"Alright, alright, but I really did see all the looks you'd give him when no one else was watching... I know what longing looks like, and..." he trailed off.

You knew that wasn't all, "And?"

"Aaaaand... maybe that night you had that wet dream. You were moaning his name while humping the pillow..."

"You never told me that!" You shoved your head into your hands, distraught.

"Well I didn't want to embarrass you! I honestly didn't think you looked at any of us that way until then. Like I said, a good actor. I figured you'd tell me when you were ready to."

You sighed, "I'm sorry. It's just a stupid crush, it'll pass."

"You're grown, you don't have to apologize to anyone for liking someone. But y/n," He cupped your cheek forcing you to look at him again, "this isn't just a simple crush, is it?"

With that question, you felt the tears spilling all over again. He pulled you to lay down with him, holding you tight against him and letting you cry it all out. Somewhere between his low humming, and your quiet weeping, you fell asleep.

When you blink the sleep away from your eyes the next morning, you're still entangled with Ji. He's literally wrapped around you like a koala.

You snort out a laugh and go to check the time on your phone. 7:30 am, entirely too early. You decide to try and fall back asleep, but last night's events rush back to you. Dread fills your chest, and your fight or flight kicks in. You're trying to gently escape Ji's hold, and not hyperventilate. The latter is more difficult but, since that man can sleep through anything, you were able to succeed.

You get changed back into your clothes, and leave a note for him saying that you're leaving and you'll text him when you get home. You can't bear to face Chan, let alone anyone else who might've heard you two last night. So you decide to skip out on the usual coffee and breakfast routine. You all have that tradition after a drunken night, but you know Ji will cover for you with everyone anyways.

You're rushing down the hall, wanting to grab your things and head for the door. Panic is starting to bubble over, and you're haphazardly covering yourself up to be unnoticeable. As you're slipping the mask over your face, a voice stops you.

"Morning... don't you want to stay for breakfast?"

You can't bring yourself to look at Chan, those words only setting the box of emotions in your heart on fire. You know he only means it in the way that it is an unbroken tradition. No matter how sick one of you gets, group breakfast is a must for recuperation. No one has skipped it in the months you've been doing it. We all take care of each other. But the idea makes your mouth bitter, because you wish it was just you two. Alone. Making breakfast the morning after earth shattering sex. And the fact he doesn't mean it in that way in the slightest makes tears prick back into your eyes.

Yes, you know you're being petty. You should stick it through for your friends. Take a page from Chan and act like nothing ever happened. You just can't find it inside you to care, you need to go home and lick your wounds before facing anyone here again. Call it childish, but you didn't care.

You're struggling to find words and just blurt out, "No thanks." And rush out the door, heading to the safety of your car.

You left Chan standing there. Unbeknownst to you, hurting just as much.

Special thank you to @jeonginsleftcheek who encouraged me through finishing this! I had finished it, and then accidentally deleted the entire ending. But in turn, that was a good thing I think... because now there'll be a part 2! If you'd like to be added to a taglist, let me know and I'll start one! Feedback is always cherished, but be gentle pleeeeeeeease ♡