Nothing Can Explain Me Better. This Link Is Absolutely Precise .

Nothing can explain me better. This link is absolutely precise .

I'm a burden to my family. Useless to society and of absolutely no contribution. My future seems completely and certainly bleak ( rather non existent) I can't do anything and I even settled multiple times in my mind on the prospects of being a small time worker - working part time at three jobs that didn't require qualifications making a home from a studio apartment and possibly even continuing to leach off my parents

Tried two times to off myself and failed because of the inevitable fear of failing at just another thing that I'm relying on or the pain. I'm a coward really. Imagined detaching myself from my family and friends and moving away to struggle myself with no traces left behind. I don't know how it came to this. I'm a genuinely rational person.

I’m not really one for attention and can recognise any attention seeking I may project once in a while or victimising . I’m mature and atleast can say with certainty that I used to be a great student .

I used to be smart, intelligent, witty , responsible and so independent- things you would expect of every elder sibling. Did everything my parents expected of me if not better. I think it's safe to say I was so so competent. I feel as if I am referring to a third person. I don't mean to brag and I can't even associate myself with her.

Another post expressing my feelings excluding the physical actions . ^^^

The last 22 months took a huge turn. I'm getting tired of even trying to explain my situation repeatedly to myself since I have no one to talk to. This is my first time expressing it publicly and seemingly anonymously. The link can't explain my situation any better . It's incredibly accurate. Tired of reiterate myself .

My parents - I don't blame them one bit - decided that given my scores and well versed capabilities, that I would persue a career in stem - engineering and preferably CS. In my country - engineers are valued like Gods. They are know for always ending up successful, moving to a foreign land to live a life of leisure and monetary abundance. But in my country- the competition and the years required to become one continue to steadily increase. As a student previously, it was my ginormous sense of anxiety, stress and fear that made me excellent- truly. I'm the type to believe I don't know anything and revise multiple times enough to be able to picturise the pages and information word for word . I was anxious enough before exams to make the people around me anxious. I get easy unnerved and stressed out by the possibility of imperfections and mistakes . I needed to feel like I knew everything to feel like I was enough . Hell … my friend wrote an entire essay about anxiety , stress and mental health in students , thinking about me ! (Her words ) I can't begin the explain the feeling of inadequacy . I can't begin the explain the feelings | felt and that I completely credit for making me the best I could be. A sense of not being good enough per say. The extent of this sense being experienced beyond normal amounts . That sense has now motivated me to do the opposite- not try at all .

My parents tend to be a little selfish - not because they chose my careers - but just as people. They don't really look beyond themselves ( or my younger brother at that). I remember when my mother called me jealous of her at age 9 ? Like woah. You have to be a different level of self absorbed to call your child jealous of you . Same for dad. Still I sympathise with them because they came from severely underprivileged backgrounds- no proper food or home and gave us the resources we need - never once depriving us of any of our wishes and needs. I valued this and am grateful- hence worked hard .[[ I learnt to check the price tag at a young age and never asked for anything . I was met with an epiphany recently of how the only things I’ve ever truly wanted and asked for ( skating , art classes , teachers , friends ) have always been scratched away from me … for reasons I couldn’t control . I can’t help but think of how life deliberately worked it’s way out to fuck me up .]]] Thus, they never really paid me much attention- I handled my academics and responsibilities on my own . They never had to follow up or ask me about school or my day . They trusted me . They don't deserve having a child that not only gave them false hopes of a bright future - but now the complete impossibility of it. It doesn't help that my brother never studies and is a spoilt pampered brat to the point that he's completely intolerable. Leaving my entire family's hopes and dreams to be on my shoulders - not that I mind it's natural given my performance - but it would be easier to slack off with some backup. All eyes on me they say, but somehow my brother still manages to bag the title for most coddled and selfish and loved person by my family.

I love my parents so much . They don’t deserve a failure like me . They deserve a child that is able to fulfill their dreams and aspirations and keep them happy . I always want them to be happy . I want them to genuinely be happy . I love them so much . They deserve everything the world has to offer - but me . I’m a burden . I feel terrible for I’m wasting so many of their resources… all their hard work , blood , sweat and tears … just wasted because of this bullshit of an excuse . I’ve reached a level where I’ve become numb to the pain and every time the waves come back I think this is an excuse … yes coming from someone who has experienced how gruelling it is first hand … it gets so tiring … you start to forget what has happened to you and just let it take over with a sigh. I feel terrible facing my parents everyday and lying to their faces … but that’s the only way I get to see them smile

The last 2 years with the exposure to incredible competition, the demotivation of doing something I'm not sure I want to do, the feeling of just being dumb and nowhere compared to my peers caused a huge downfall. No friends - none All previous ones having found peace in abandoning me now that I was of no use to them. Negativity and the guilt of not even batting an eye at my own ignorance to my future piling up with time. Last year I faced severe depression- alone Cried everyday for 5-6 months at least 4 times per day. Hyperventilating and numbing migraines following the episodes . (No one knew cause growing up I learnt to be a silent crier) suicidal thoughts constantly on my mind. I can't remember a time when I wasn't thinking about how worthless I am and how undeserving I am of the time space and resources I occupy. Tried offing myself twice but didn't go through with it completely, both times fearing the after effects that my parents would have to deal with, the shame from society and the possibility of failing and being left with permanent mental scaring and disability. I can't remember much of those months (a coping mechanism of the brain ) but all I can remember is that my brain and body begs me not to put myself thorough it again . ( with brushing my teeth being the only grounding experience )

I don't know how I got out of it . Ignorance helped . I went back to the cycle that preceded those 5-6 months, filled with the feeling of idk and idc, in capability and loss that ultimately had led to the gruelling time in the first place

Now I'm here . But improving ? I guess?

Led myself to the given link and honestly couldn’t be thankful enough to the person that posted it with such accuracy. Explains from top to bottom . I can’t compete . I can’t live in this world anymore . I’m not strong enough. I’m selfish and weak .

I can’t help but compare myself to all the rich folks who don’t have to work a day in their lives to deserve half of what we do . I’m lazy . I’m resentful and I’m lonely . I’m so so lonely . I’ve accepted it , but sometimes I can’t help but wonder what it’s like , and other times i worry I’ll never let that happen to myself… im my own hindrance to a normal life . Im the only person I can’t run away from and scares me . Im terrible to myself , im a terrible person , im so negative no wonder I ended up like this and no one cares to be around me , I wouldn’t wanna be around me either . I know I’ve emphasised on school in this article .. but there are numerous factors that addup .

I tried to talk to my parents once - failed attempt and so now I'm trying to study for an exam that severely affects my life . I don't know what led me to suddenly feel the need to take action but l'm happy it happened. But of course - things that aren't addressed fall back - I'm starting to feel everything again. My exams have commenced. The first - English - I got back my feelings of anxiety and stress, bombarded my brain with info for three days and did well in the exam. I felt to happy to feel something ! To be so occupied with that pressure that I once felt , that I didn't have time to think about how useless I truly am ! But now I feel like I can't read a single page . I feel like I’ve exhausted all the capability I had in those three days . I have more exams coming up - important ones at that. I'm completely hopeless. I know I may have only recovered once but there is truly no future for me. I'm not smart anymore. Not productive. I'm useless. I still don't know what I want to do with my life.I can’t study . I don't even think about it because everyday I pray that I don't wake up . I can't explain the summarisation of my place rn. Isolation probably had a part to play in this . The pandemic ruined my life . I just don't want to be here. Im a burden . An annoyance. I can't be here . I’m shit . Better of non-existent . I can't study anymore let alone do anything. I don't know how to explain how inconspicuous | am! Omg | hate myself so much - I'm not looking for comfort. Im worth the hate, I deserve nothing . I completely declined. Completely and severely. This ends here abruptly but I truly am no good. There is nothing else to say. I have an eating disorder . Suffered from repeated night mares and insomnia . Now it feels like even offing myself is not an option because I'm bad at that too. Even though I innately deserve the non existence and am not deserving of the life that I have , I can't bring myself to end it all (successfully).I pray that I don't wake up tomorrow :) I pray everyday.

(I still feel like I haven’t explained well enough or recounted all my experiences - forgotten - to encapsulate my state. I’m sorry . I’m so sorry . I don’t want to be here either . I’m sorry )

I’m most regretful for the time I wasted , The life and the body that I wasted with my worthless soul, the memories and time I stole from people , the place I held in their lives (irrespective of how insignificant , positive or negative it may have been ) .I’m regretful for the resources and the space I’ve wasted. The space I’ve occupied on this wonderful planet has been a waste. I’ve been nothing but a burden. I’m most regretful to my parents , my parents that I hate but love so much , the parents I’m so grateful for , the parents I disappoint, the parents I don’t deserve . Punish me .

It’s easy to just blame myself for my situation . If only I had continued to impassively do what was expected of me , do what so many children do on a daily basis to make their families proud - ignoring their dreams to persue those of their families. To be able to work hard and relentlessly towards something they don’t care for . If only I could do that . If only I could do the normal . I harbour so much respect for the people that manage to make through a day productively and tirelessly work forward to reach a goal they can’t see. Everyone is going through or has been through an immense struggle . I hold so much admiration for everyone around me . I just seem to not be strong enough . Such is life . I can’t explain the guilt and shame I feel . I don’t deserve to be here . I don’t deserve what I have . I’m so sorry . I’m so sorry . I’m sorry . I’m sorry . I’m sorry … I’m hopeless .

I pray that I don’t wake up tomorrow , I pray everyday .

Hey - 2023

Wanted to drop this because this is the most apt description so far … everything u need to know is here .. everything .

March 2024 - failed a subject for the first time

Mental health on and off … learnt nothing

April 2024 - actually failed 2 ^^^

after dark // jjk (m)

➳ GENRE: vampire/knight!AU

➳ PAIRING: jungkook x y/n

➳ WORD COUNT: 8.2k

➳ WARNINGS: smut, blood 

➳ SUMMARY:  Jungkook has served the royal family for generations, seen them live and die countless times. When it comes to you, he can’t watch you wither away too, but your lust for one another makes it harder and harder to stay apart. 

➳ A/N: while i was writing this spotify had the audacity to play an ad about Christian music. i think it’s a little too late for the good words of our lord and savior jesus christ to save me now (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

—

Your feet pad against the rugged carpet extending from the foyer to the end of the dim hall. You pass portraits of your family, generations of them hang on that wall, standing proudly for the artist who painted them with precision and detail. The newest addition to the collection hangs below your father with a crown adorned on his head—a much smaller painting of you and your guard, Jungkook. You demanded they add him in the collection after generations of loyalty and servitude to your family. He stood behind your smiling face remaining stoic and professional, but you knew he was secretly elated to finally be included.

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wildflowers (m)

He’s gentle, each touch lingering as if he’s mapping each curve and dip of your body to memory. You lock your arms around his shoulders and slot your mouth against his, the press of his lips soft and warm. The kisses are slow, a languid glide that steals your breath gradually until your lungs ache with the need for air and your mind is fuzzy with desire.

pairing: jungkook x reader

genre: smut, fantasy, romance, established relationship, faerie au

warnings: explicit sex, dry humping, oral (female recieving), temperature play, oral, multiple orgasms, unprotected sex

word count: 6,057

a/n: hello, longtime no see friends, it’s gi (aka fireheart-namjoon/koyapuff), i’m back on tumblr and am slowly going to begin writing again but here’s an old fic until then :)

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