I Would Commit Unearthly Most Violent Insane Crime Just So I Could Have Matt Murdock As My Lawyer

i would commit unearthly most violent insane crime just so i could have matt murdock as my lawyer

i am hysterically crying blood and kicking and punching tge pillow

midsummer night’s smile

sooooo. it’s december fifteenth. based off of a line from “washing machine heart” by mitski:

“i know who you pretend i am”

word count: 1.06k

!authors notes at end!

——————————

it was quiet.

it was december fifteenth, 1960, and it was quiet.

todd didn’t expect for it to be so quiet- he had called charlie a week in advance, asking desperately.

he couldn’t spend the day alone. meeks and pitts didn’t get it- not as much as he did. knox had transferred his room to another hall. cameron didn’t dare exit his room when he didn’t need to, even a year later.

todd needed charlie.

so charlie came.

they sat in silence.

maybe charlie cried a little, maybe todd cried a lot.

or maybe todd cried a little, and charlie cried a lot.

regardless, the two sat together. charlie, who came through the front door without care, found his perch atop the radiator. his legs trembled, even without the rumbling of the heater.

todd, who instead chose to sit beneath the window, looked up at charlie- what was he supposed to say?

todd always knew what to say when he was with neil. neil, who would listen with big brown doe eyes, staring like a child gazing at the moon.

neil always knew what to say, too. one word could be enough, one word could change todd’s entire life.

even neil’s silence used to be enough. there was still silence- it just wasn’t neil’s. it was todd’s.

on december 15th, 1960, todd shared it with charlie.

todd didn’t think he’d ever heard charlie so quiet. he took a moment to think- maybe it was the wrong time.

“i know who you pretend i am,” charlie whispered.

his head dropped to glance at todd, who instinctively looked up at the brunet in response to the sound.

“what?”

“neil. you pretend i’m neil.”

todd’s jaw dropped. what the hell was charlie saying?

he opened his mouth, frantically trying to find the words.

charlie quickly interrupted, saying, “you can’t deny it. i know.”

todd felt tears welling up in his eyes. because no, he didn’t! did he? did he really want charlie there, or was the boy just replacing what he had lost. did he REALLY want the boy to sneak into his room once a month, kiss him stupid, then leave for four more weeks? or was todd just…pretending?

“that’s- that’s not true,” todd protested.

“you know how i know it’s true, toddy?”

neil had called him toddy.

todd shook his head. “it’s not. i don’t…i don’t pretend anything.”

charlie, whose eyes had wandered past the furthest star that could possibly be seen, sighed. “i know, todd. i know.”

the sandy haired boy shook, his arms getting hotter underneath the thick sweater.

“you don’t know anything,” he retorted.

“no! i do, todd, i know that you’re using me as a replacement for someone.”

“charlie, i-“

“i wouldn’t care as much if you would just admit it,” charlie frowned. he crossed his arms, fingers grasping at the wool of his sweatshirt.

“i don’t do that.” todd anxiously tugged at the cuffs of his sweater.

they sat for a few moments in silence.

“you…you do. you close your eyes, you- you barely even speak to me. you just want someone here. i’m not him, okay? he’s been gone for a year. i can’t keep being a second choice to someone who’s never going to come back and pick you,” charlie spat.

neil was charlie’s best friend. todd hated the way he was speaking, he didn’t know what the hell had come over him. the blond was shocked- what was /wrong/ with him?

and then he realized.

“you’re pretending too.”

todd understood. charlie was pretending.

“that’s how i knew you were,” he responded softly. “i loved him, todd, you know damn well.”

todd flinched from the exhausted tone of charlie’s voice. the light from the window was enough, highlighting glassy brown hues, nearly soaking from tears.

todd didn’t say anything. he didn’t know how.

“my best friend. he was my best friend.”

“i know, i just-“

“do you? do you know, todd? you have everything left. you have knox, you have meeks, you have pitts. hell, you have richard-fucking-cameron, apple of welton’s eye. you’re not entirely lost.”

todd huffed, the pit in his stomach deepening by the second. “i never said i was lost, charlie! just leave me alone, okay?”

“you invited me, on this day- did you expect me to bring a lute and sing you to heaven?” charlie shot back.

“no, charlie, i- charlie,” todd stammered, unable to get a hold of his own thoughts.

he was thinking of the snow that was falling, same as the night where neil,

he was thinking of the laughter he had shared, completely oblivious of what neil,

he was thinking, and yet, nothing was grounding him.

“todd. todd!” charlie snapped in front of todd’s face, twitching with nervous tics.

“can you leave me alone?” todd’s voice could barely be heard over the sound of the radiator, which had since turned on and pushed charlie onto the windowsill.

todd watched as charlie thought for a second, eyebrows furrowed.

“no.”

he said it like neil said it.

todd couldn’t believe it when he smiled. he didn’t only smile, he laughed. nearly hysterical, the boy caught his breath in between coughs.

“he was- he was crazy! god, charlie, i can’t- i can’t believe you never warned me,” he cried. “i was in love with a madman!”

a pained smile tugged at charlie’s lips.

“an absolutely batshit one,” he replied.

they weren’t silent for the rest of the night.

they talked about the boy with the wild heart, the firewood eyes, and the proud smile.

the boy with the fireproof heart, the red-yellow-green-light eyes, and the thundercloud smile.

the reckless boy with the easy heart. the spiteful boy, with the charming eyes.

oh, neil. the little boy who asked charlie to be his best friend forever in kindergarten. neil, the one who asked todd anderson to be his forever in 1959.

neil perry. the boy with the midsummer night’s smile, who left a little too early. neil perry, oh, who hadn’t left without contributing his own verse.

that time, as they recalled it slowly, nothing hurt- as if the shadows had never offended.

and by the time charlie had to leave, they weren’t pretending.

maybe todd would be okay, even if he cried a little.

and maybe charlie would be okay too, even if he cried a lot.

it wasn’t quiet.

———————-

(a/n) OKAY WELL??? that turned out angstier than i had expected. not necessarily sadder, but i genuinely was just like oh it’s going in an angry direction ooo ahhhh :0 anyways . please don’t be like “boooo charlie is out of character” if you’ve never experienced grief like this before it’s very hard and i can tell you that no shit people are going to be irritable if their best friend dies 😭

anyways I HOPE YOU ALL ENJOYEd

i see one more nwh spoiler im eating my own eyeballs

no i am never going to get over this

bawling my eyes out

i’m sorry but when andrew’s peter saved mj from that fall and asked her “are you okay” and she said “yeah, are you?” and my man burst into tears i felt that on a very personal level like he finally saved the girl even though it wasn’t his but it’s what he fucking deserved from the start okay ??????