Sphincters & Such

sphincters & such

the unforunate vocabulary of possession... ft Dimple being a little shit

(please reblog!)

Mammon: I’m glad you’re not with me for my money

MC: What money?

He never told him

Lucifer : So you needed me to bail you out of jail for…..breaking into a pet store?

Satan : I thought the cats might be lonely..

I don't play Obey Me anymore, so I'm not familiar with the layout of the house. I write all my fics before bed, so please bear with me.

Lucifer: Belphegor, did you push someone down the stairs?

Belphegor: I have no idea what you're talking about.

Lucifer: Don't play dumb. You know exactly what I'm talking about!

Belphegor: Hypothetically speaking, if I did push someone, don't you think I'd have a good reason?

Lucifer: There is no good reason to push someone down the stairs, Belphegor!

Belphegor: Oh, there are plenty of reasons, Lucifer! What if I was fighting someone and started losing? Boom, push them down the stairs and the fight is over!

Lucifer (trying to stay calm): Did you or did you not push someone?

Belphegor: You'll have to speak to my lawyer.

Lucifer: And who's your lawyer?

Belphegor: Satan. In fact, I'm calling him right now.

Lucifer: You've got to be kidding. Fine, call him. Both of you, come to my room.

In Lucifer's room

Satan: Alright, what exactly are you accusing my client of?

Lucifer: He pushed a student down a flight of stairs.

Satan: Do you have any evidence to support this claim?

Lucifer (turning his laptop around): Actually, I do. Here’s Belphie asleep on the steps, the student wakes him up, and as they’re leaving, Belphie pushes them and walks away.

Satan: Belphie, sidebar, now.

Satan (whispering aggressively): What the hell, Belphie?

Belphegor (whispering back): I didn't know there was footage!

Satan: Always check for cameras if you’re going to commit a crime!

Belphegor: I was too tired to notice.

Satan: Fine. I’ll claim you weren’t in the right mental state. You just woke up and were unaware of what you did.

Belphegor: You think that will work?

Satan: It better.

Lucifer: Are you two done?

Satan (walking back): Yes. I'd like to argue that wasn't Belphie in a sane mental state—

Lucifer: Excuse me?

Satan: Let me finish. Yes, that's him physically, but mentally, it wasn’t. Belphegor wouldn’t commit a crime intentionally.

Lucifer: He killed MC…

Satan: He’s a changed man.

Belphegor: Didn’t you try killing them multiple times?

Satan: This isn’t about killing! This is about a push. And Belphie pleads insanity.

Lucifer: Since he's so 'insane,' he can start by bettering himself with some chores. He can clean the bathroom.

Belphegor: What?!

Lucifer: Then the kitchen, the living room, actually the whole house until I deem him fit to be around others.

Belphegor: What kind of lawyer are you?!

Satan: You know what? I'm a free lawyer. I don’t need this disrespect. I’m out!

Belphegor (leaving too): What an asshole. Both of them.

As Satan and Belphegor head to their destinations

Satan (on the steps): Belphie, what the—?!

Belphegor (pushing Satan down the stairs): You're a terrible lawyer!

Satan (lying at the bottom of the steps): Belphie, what the fuck!

Belphegor: You deserved it.

Satan (laughing, pointing behind Belphegor): Oh, you're in big trouble now.

Lucifer: Belphie…

Belphegor: How do you always spawn behind me?!

Lucifer (dragging Belphie to the bathroom): You're going to clean until I can see my reflection in every tile!

Belphegor: Get off me, you old bitch! Your ugly ass doesn’t need to be seen in every tile!

(Firmly believe that Belphie is a menace and constantly getting punished. Satan is equally bad, if not worse, but much sneakier.)