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So This Is A Dumb One, But It Occurred To Me While Talking To A Friend Earlier And Now I Cant Stop Thinking
So this is a dumb one, but it occurred to me while talking to a friend earlier and now I can’t stop thinking about it.Â
When I was first getting into books, I went through a trashy romance novel phase, where I once read a story framed around this one rich guy who had a ridiculous number of kids. Twelve, twenty, maybe more–I can’t remember. The people in the town where he lived were constantly joking about how ridiculously fertile he was, made all the worse because he was also evidently a man-whore. The poor guy could barely smile at a woman without a baby coming from it. In the story, it’s eventually revealed that he is not actually all that fertile or sexually experienced, but is actually just a huge softie, and all the poorer families in town understood they could leave babies on his doorstep and he would raise them as his own, no questions asked.Â
There’s a part of me that kind of wants to see the first part of this concept somehow applied to a human AU, with Chuck actually being that fertile and just having an ongoing stream of kids coming into his house. With Chuck still being the worst dad. He’s constantly in the background, calling up condom companies to complain about their products never working, and arranging paternity tests that he doesn’t tell the kids in question are paternity tests–like, he’ll pick up a toddler-aged Zachariah and play a few half-assed peek-a-boo games with him, then abruptly stick a cotton swab in the kid’s mouth for a DNA sample, hand him off to a sixteen-year-old Michael, and say he’s got to go. Has to stop by the post office on the way to his tinder date. Don’t wait up.Â
And Michael’s just like, “This is perfectly normal."Â
Later when Chuck comes home, Michael will still be awake, humming to himself while heating up a bottle in the kitchen. He’ll greet Chuck with, “Welcome home, father! I hope you had a great night. Someone dropped off twins. We’ve named them Anna and Hannah."Â
Any time an outsider asks if someone is adopted, Michael, Lucifer, Raphael, and Gabriel all say no in unison and look at the person in question as if they’ve just asked the rudest question imaginable.
Adam and Michael are assigned to work together for a school project. At first they try working together in the library during lunch, but Adam points out that they’re not getting the work done fast enough in that limited amount of time. Which is true, but Adam also has a crush on Michael and wants to get to know him better. They wind up going to Michael’s house, because Michael needs to help Lucifer, Raphael, and Gabriel take care of the children. Adam is not put off by this, but then it comes out that Michael’s afraid to engage in any kind of amorous behavior because Chuck’s always grumbling under his breath about how he can barely even says hello to someone without making a baby, and he’s never actually sat any of his children down to have The Talk.Â
Michael’s lack of knowledge comes out one day when Adam and Michael share a scandalous moment–HOLDING HANDS.Â
"Wait, are you saying…Michael, we can’t make a baby no matter what we do.”
“Why not? Contraceptives are a scam.”
Adam takes a moment to just digest that answer. Due to his own family situation, Adam himself learned about the birds and the bees by way of daytime television, whereas the TV in the Shurley house is kept in a perpetual loop of Disney movies and Blue’s Clues reruns. And he’s met Chuck. He reasons to himself that it’s not that crazy for Michael to be the age that he is and still be that in the dark.
“Michael–where do you think babies come from?”
“The front door.”
Lucifer, who is also in the room, adds, “Sometimes the back door.”
Adam tries his best to keep a straight face, but winds up snort-laughing as Gabriel, who is much more worldly than either of his brothers, calls from the hallway, where he’s running back and forth while dragging a blanket loaded up with younger siblings along for the ride, “I ASSURE YOU THEY DO NOT!”
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