Kaispulshies - RIN - Tumblr Blog

I'd like for all the Riki smut writers to go and kill themselves

today I had a face to face class with my teacher and I realised how hard it is for me to open my mouth and speak😭 I had to force myself to say at least something, but still ended up just nodding my head… like not that I have some problems with speaking up. it’s just very comfortable to stay quite

i deserve to be at a txt concert right now

we need MORE Kai writers cuz wdym 3 fics in a row for yeonjun or beomgyu and absolute ZERO for hueningkai. 💔

I’m either autistic or just very very very bad at being a human

if abortion is illegal, a man leaving a women which he got pregnant should also be illegal. if a woman can’t back away from pregnancy, neither should a man.

everything is fine, yeah, now please ignore fact i bet on losing dogs has been on loop for three hours now. its not important

i dont know what id do without laufey

➳ we can’t be friends | psh. — requested

trainee!sunghoon x fem!reader (mentions of wonyoung from ive)

“just wanna let this story die, and i’ll be alright“

synopsis: you and sunghoon have been best friends for so long, but distance has grown between you two after he got with wonyoung.

warnings/content: written in third pov. miscommunication(?). confrontation. angst. unrequited love (kinda). open ending! reader actively avoids sunghoon, and gets closer to jake (bestie vibes only). sunghoon gets jealous (always). not proofread. cursing!

comments, likes, and reposts are appreciated :)

word count: 3.9k

a/n: message request. — this was kind of rushed, sorry :(

༘˚⋆𐙚｡masterlist⋆.✧˚

current song playing: we can’t be friends by ariana grande

↻ ◁ II ▷ ↺

1:05 ──────|───────────── -3:22

night had already fallen upon hybe building and y/n was still in the practice room, staying stuck on a few dance moves that had her frustrated.

“no this is not right..,” she grumbled to herself, sighing in defeat.

“you’re still here?” a voice bellowed from behind with a chuckle afterwards.

the girl quickly turned and was delighted with a smile plastered across her face.

“sunghoon!” she beamed. “what are you still doing here?” her voice squeaked, heart doing somersaults in the sight of her handsome friend.

“i should be asking you that question.” he grinned ear to ear as he watched his best friend continue to try and catch her breath.

“you’re practicing so late, y/n. you know that’s not good,” sunghoon frowned. “trainer kim’s already gone for the night.”

she rolled her eyes at his little scowl. “i know, i know.., i just really wanted to get this dance move down.”

hoon shook his head at her words before handing her an icy, cold water bottle. “well cool down, won’t you? i have good news.”

her heart slightly clenched in response. what could be such good news at midnight?

y/n gave a quiet nod and he shyly smiled to himself.

it couldn’t be, could it?

her body was tensing with every second he let pass by in his utter motive to irk impatience.

“sunghoon!” she fumed, nudging his shoulder back in slight frustration.

the male laughed in return, fangs flashing to make her a blushing mess as he uttered, “sorry, sorry! i just wanted to build it up!”

her eyes playfully rolled as he continued.

“wonyoung and i are finally going out! you remember her, right?”

remember her? yeah.

how wouldn’t she remember such a pretty girl like her?

the way that starship trainee mindlessly talked to sunghoon, swooning him with her simple words that already had him flustered.

heck, wonyoung did what y/n couldn’t — and that was leave the friend zone.

everything else he chattered on about afterward almost deafened in y/n’s ears. she couldn’t feel anything but her heart that shattered into a million pieces. every small shard striking her by the vein in her blood, giving a numbing sensation in her hands.

“y/n?” he called, looking at her for approval. “what do you think?”

what did she think? why would that matter if he was going out with someone else?

“good..!” she mumbled, voice almost coming to a quiet squeak. “that’s good for you, hoon!”

“i was just with her and..,”

he kept going on and on, but she couldn’t bare to hear it.

how could she when she was in love with him? her best friend. her everything. her favorite person who she couldn’t call hers.

they went through thick and thin as trainees of hybe — experiencing everything big and small that’d always be celebrated upon.

and it wasn’t like she hated wonyoung. no, that gorgeous girl was too good for the world. how could she hate her?

but she knew she’d have to keep a distance.

she couldn’t do anything else but accept it anyway. besides, it was just the right thing.

.　 . • ☆ . ° .• °:. *₊ ° . ☆

about a month had flashed by before y/n knew it, and though it wasn’t the easiest, her and sunghoon weren’t as close anymore.

he spent most of his time with his girlfriend, ensuring her the best like a good boyfriend.

but even then, he’d still try to make plans with y/n — hinting at little cafe places to try, asking about convenience store runs, murmuring about plans to sneak out of the dorms for their weekly movie nights — but she always rejected.

she avoided him with every intention she had.

if he tried to talk to her, she’d adjust her attention to someone else.

if he tried to get a duo dance with her, she’d quietly ask the trainer to switch with another person.

sunghoon didn’t know if he did something wrong but he knew the energy was off between them, as if something drifted them apart.

and to make matters worst, she had gotten closer to jake — another hybe trainee in their friend group.

hoon didn’t know why, but he hated seeing them become an iconic duo. the way jake mindlessly stepped into his position as her designated best friend was throwing him off.

he hated it. every time he’d notice their interactions, he’d find himself clenching with a tense jaw and fisted hands.

but why?

the only excuse he could find to all of this stupid resentment he had towards the aussie boy was that him and y/n weren’t the same anymore.

not at all.

and it was confirmed once he heard little mentions of ‘weekly movie nights’ pass through his ears.

sunghoon rolled his eyes with a quiet scoff leaving his throat, hating how sour he turned in a quick second.

“uhm..,” jungwon cleared his throat. “are you.. okay?”

the members, excluding jake, turned to the boy who was undeniably burning holes at the two in front of him.

“sunghoon..?” jay poked, shifting his gaze to the oldest member.

heeseung knew not to mess with hoon when he was pissed, so when he turned his direction where the boy was staring at, he prayed a little for jake.

“you can’t be jealous,” the oldest one murmured with a pat to the latter’s back.

“what?” sunghoon spat back with an annoyed face. “why would i even be jealous? i’m with wonyoung.”

“right, so.. you can’t be staring at them that way.”

“what does it matter anyway? it’s not like she’ll talk to me.”

the other members chose not to comment afterward, letting hoon continue to glare at the two with soft sighs leaving them.

he hated what was in front of him.

how could he be okay with this? how could he even be feeling this?

the burning in his heart. the rage-filled eyes. the tensed-up jaw. the fuming curse words inexplicably forming in his head.

was it really jealousy?

no. can’t be.

‘can it?’ he quietly questioned to himself, looking at the ground before picking his head back up to glance at the two.

the way y/n loudly laughed and slapped jake’s arm like it was nothing. the way she’d make her usual disgusted look as instinct. the way her fingertips would unintentionally drag against his when he’d offer a water bottle.

fuck, he hated this.

was it possible to be jealous over a best friend like this?

‘but maybe i just miss how we used to be,’ he’d attempt to rationalize.

but even then, it boiled every bit of blood he had whenever he’d find his best friend and another close trainee giggling about whatever was talked about.

.　 . • ☆ . ° .• °:. *₊ ° . ☆

everyone was almost done for the night as they gathered into a huge circle with breath pants heard in the room, many still wheezing from practice.

“so,” niki gasped, body almost completely down on the ground. “movie night?”

a spark hit y/n’s heart when the suggestion was put out there, taking a small glance to sunghoon who already had his gaze on her.

his eyes softened once they met and it seemed to cry out for her — almost asking if she even remembered any of the memories they shared when it was a movie night, and it was just them.

and when it’d get late in the night, they’d fall asleep on each others shoulder, heads bunking against each others with quiet snores and aching backs from their positions.

then a blanket would “magically” fall over them, causing the two to cuddle as platonic friends (who were obviously in love with each other).

but she couldn’t think that way.

not when he had a girlfriend.

still though, she couldn’t help but let her eyes stay on his a little longer than intended, eventually letting it linger onto every facial feature on him that she used to adore.

his moles, his fanged smile, his thick brows, his charming eyes — with her effort to avoid him, her heart beat more than it did before after re-loving his features.

but she turned away after feeling like a creep, shifting it to jake instead, who was smiling like a puppy with big eyes.

“yes, a movie!” she heard him beam.

best friend coded indeed.

a smile curled onto her lips as she heard each member chime in on their part to agree.

“i’m in,” sunghoon’s aggressive voice uttered.

the rest of the members turned to y/n with pleading eyes — “what about you?”

she took a gulp. she wanted to reject after finding out that he’d be there but they were all still friends.

“um..,” she croaked, chewing her lips while avoiding eye contact from the boy she was still in love with.

“oh come on! you and sunghoon used to always have secret movie nights with just the two of you!” niki yelled in defense, causing a loud smack to be thrown at him from jay.

it was awkward and quiet given that everybody knew the two used to be inseparable.

a tense chuckle erupted out of y/n while she only scratched her head.

“yeah we did..,” she admitted. “but i don’t know, they’ve become more strict with where we go now.”

“we’ll be finee!” sunoo tried to deflect.

a few more pleadings happened here and there, eventually leading y/n to quietly fume out a — “fine.”

the six members cheered in delight while sunghoon hid his smile. he was finally going to spend some time with his best friend.

.　 . • ☆ . ° .• °:. *₊ ° . ☆

as the members happily walked out of the practice room, hoon was left alone, staying behind to clean up just a little more — unbeknownst to the fact that y/n had accidentally left her jacket in the room.

she walked back with quiet curse words in her head, hating to have to go back and forth.

when she walked in, she unexpectedly found sunghoon staring right at her with fluttered eyes.

“oh..,” she murmured, body tending in seconds.

“hey…,” the boy replied, shoving his hands into his pockets with a slight sigh of relief. he was finally alone with her and his heart was melting at the fact that it was only them now.

“you forget something?”

his thick brow raised in question, causing y/n’s stomach to flood with butterflies. she gulped and nodded before forcing her feet to move to her jacket — which was close to him.

“yeah..,” she awkwardly laughed. “i forgot my jacket, but i’ll see you there!”

✩ ‘i don’t wanna tip toe, but i don’t wanna hide’ ✩

she attempted to leave but the pull on her wrist struck her back to the same spot as earlier.

y/n felt the grip of his hand softly tighten, careful to not be too rough in how he held her.

“y/n, talk to me.”

his husk voice rang in her ears, sending alarming signals throughout every part in her body as she shivered.

“what do you mean?” the girl tried to deflect, hating the sudden confrontation.

✩ ‘but i don’t wanna feed this monstrous fire’ ✩

“you know..,”

a lump was caught in her throat and she couldn’t get it past her to swallow it down.

“we’re gonna be late, sunghoon, we should go.”

her body faced the door, turning her back on him to finally leave the scene when his voice stopped her — “are you gonna keep avoiding me?”

y/n’s heart dropped. “no..,” she mumbled back with a lip bite. “we’re fine.”

“you haven’t talked to me in weeks, we’re not fine and you know it.”

when she turned to face him, she found the boy to strike her with unforgiving eyes that had tears almost taking its fall.

she hated that she was the reason for his obvious pain, but they were friends, why would it hurt him?

a sigh left her throat as she scoffingly smiled. “you’re with wonyoung now, can’t we just focus on that?” she tried to attempt another lip curl to uplift the mood, but sunghoon wasn’t buying it.

“no, you’re my friend and i want to know why you’re not talking to me the way you used to.” his brows furrowed and a slight eye roll was taken as he thought back to her and jake laughing to themselves.

he watched her carefully for any readable expression but she only kept her gaze down.

“friend?” she softly reiterated. “that’s all i am to you?”

this time, it was sunghoon who froze in his stance. “what?” his eyes blinked repeatedly. “what are you talking about?”

his grip accidentally loosened and y/n felt it, taking the chance to slip out of the hold and say, “nevermind sunghoon, it’s nothing.”

“it’s not nothing if you can’t tell me.” he grumbled, feeling slightly irritated at her lack of communication.

“drop it.”

she walked towards the middle of the room, allowing him to catch up while uttering — “no, tell me.”

“it’s nothing.”

“y/n.”

his lips firmly pushed together as he expressed a disappointed reaction at her.

“let it go, it’s not important.”

“so then just tell me.”

they went back and forth, voices overlapping and echoing over each others.

“sunghoon, enough!” y/n exclaimed, pushing his chest back. “it doesn’t matter anyway so what’s it to you?”

hoon clicked his tongue. “i know you’re purposely avoiding me but i honestly can’t think of what i’ve done, so i’m just gonna ask this once.”

he sighed before continuing, “why are you avoiding me? did i do something to upset you?”

✩ ‘i didn’t think you’d understand me’ ✩

he leaned himself a little closer to her, causing the girl to softly back away with blushing cheeks. she hated how much her heart still lit up at every small thing he did.

“no, i’ve just been busy…,”

sunghoon scoffed, disbelief clear in that puff of air as he continued to gaze at her. “don’t try that with me, y/n. i know you, and i know you don’t like to talk when something bad happens, so what happened?”

“hoon, enough, please.”

she picked her head up to peer back at him with pleading eyes, but he couldn’t stop. he had to know.

“no.” he firmly spoke with a soft sigh. “you can’t get out of this because i need to know.”

y/n picked up on the way his eyes quickly watered. though he tried to hide it and look composed, she still couldn’t help but notice the tears that built up around.

“why?” she exhaled a breath of hers. “why do you need to know so badly hoon?? we’re just friends.”

‘friends’ — she hated how she had to confirm that to herself.

“exactly.” sunghoon spat. “you’re my friend, you’re the one i go to about wonyoung and other things, and now you’re so suddenly close with jake. what even is that? you’re here, but why aren’t you here for me?”

is that all she was to him?

her heart shattered, and all she wanted to do was clench onto the pain. she bit her lip as she responded, “jake has nothing to do with this, he’s only been close with me because of his interest in my friend. even then, you don’t need to know this. you’re in a relationship now, there are limits that i’m not gonna cross because you should be telling wonyoung this, not me.“

she paused, clenching her teeth to bite back the tears that were close to streaming. “i’m not your girlfriend. i’m not.. your girlfriend.” she repeated, letting the second sentence bring her back to reality.

there was a flicker in his eyes once she confirmed it — like his gaze shifted from what was once stern to a softer stare.

but he stayed quiet for a while, unsure of what to say.

tension filled the air, and it was beginning to suffocate y/n with how awkward and tense it was.

“i missed you, did you know that?” sunghoon croaked in the silence, lips faintly curling. “i missed you, and i missed how we were. what did i do that made you not talk to me anymore? because whatever it was, i’m sorry.”

he didn’t get the message, and he still wasn’t understanding.

the boy continued to go on and on, apologizing for whatever he did that could possibly upset her.

“sunghoon-“ but he kept blabbering.

“sunghoon-“ but he couldn’t stop thinking about what he did wrong.

“sunghoon!” she finally bursted, finally catching his attention.

he let his gaze fall on her and she heaved her chest in fear, feeling her legs become limb.

“i..,” her voice trailed off, stopping herself to not say the three words thats been stuck in her head. “i can’t be friends with you.”

her heart shriveled at the words that left her mouth. she didn’t know what’d spew out, but once it echoed in the room, she couldn’t take it back.

“what?” hoon softly murmured, taking small steps closer to her.

his face was close enough that she could feel his breath hit her skin, but not too close where his lips could ghost over hers.

“why?”

y/n’s gaze fell down to his lips and watched how it trembled. he was hurt.

her head was still drooped low until his finger hooked under her chin, bringing it up so they could lock eye contact.

“tell me.” he softly whispered, softened eyes indicating that he wanted to hear the truth.

the girl didn’t do anything, letting silence take over once more before a phone buzzed in the room.

the two snapped out of it, turning their attention towards the device and seeing the contact name of jungwon pop up.

‘are you guys coming? what’s taking you guys so long? ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ’

a sigh escaped from y/n’s lips as she finally backed away.

once the jacket and the phone was in her possession, she found sunghoon already close to the door.

he gave the cold shoulder, eyes faintly giving a glare towards her, but she still found a hint of her best friend in there.

he scoffed a little before leaving the practice room to herself.

right, she said they couldn’t be friends.

she sighed as she held herself back longer than intended so she wouldn’t cross with him, soon leaving to jay’s place right after.

.　 . • ☆ . ° .• °:. *₊ ° . ☆

as the night progressed further and y/n finally arrived not too long after sunghoon did, their movie night eventually begun.

the film was decided upon a vote, clearing it to be a horror movie, as always.

a few members situated themselves on the ground while others sat on the couch — including y/n who was comfortably by jake.

sunghoon stayed in the kitchen, gathering his snacks before approaching the group of idiots clustered into one.

“sunghoon hyung, i saved you a spot on the couch!” jungwon beamed, patting the cushioned seat though sitting on the ground.

the older boy grinned with a murmur of ‘thanks.’

but when he looked up at the people on the furniture, his heart slightly dropped. the girl who wasn’t his friend anymore was next to jake (like always).

he softly grumbled quiet curse words. was it jealousy again?

whatever. it wasn’t like he cared anyway. (he did)

✩ ‘you cling onto your papers and pens’ ✩

y/n was now squeezed between jake, who was all giddy about his current crush and sunghoon, who was her used-to-be best friend.

the film finally started and the lights were completely turned out for the full horror effect.

but the girl didn’t like horror movies. as much as she hated it, she couldn’t oppose to it with how much excitement thrilled the boys, so she forced herself.

or tried to force herself.

throughout the movie, she’d try to hide behind her hands, covering her eyes so she could only look at what she wanted to see.

sunghoon couldn’t help but linger his gaze over to her. he knew she didn’t like anything horror. heck, she used to scold him whenever he’d put it on to tease.

✩ ‘wait until you like me again’ ✩

watching her peek through her hands was adorable, and watching her quietly squeal at every small jumpscare was heart-throbbing.

wait. adorable and heart-throbbing?

was he going crazy?

he shook his head, hating that he slowly transitioned to this thinking.

the boy tried to change his attention back to the screen in front of him, but they’d still linger back onto her.

and of course she didn’t notice, her eyes were basically closed with how much she shielded herself away from the movie.

his heart always felt full at the sight of her. how could it not? the way she looked in desperate need to cling onto someone (him), and the way she was almost about to burst with how much horror movies bothered her.

he wanted to hold and comfort her, just anything for her to know that she shouldn’t fear such a thing, but as a friend right?

sunghoon chewed his cheeks in thought. how could he be thinking this when she stated she couldn’t be friends with him?

he sighed and forced himself to stare at the tv screen, hating the conflicting swelling in his chest.

.　 . • ☆ . ° .• °:. *₊ ° . ☆

when the movie ended, most of the members had knocked out.

the ones on the ground overlapped legs and arms with each others while jake took up half of the couch, leaving y/n to curl up into a ball and be slightly close to sunghoon.

the only one awake was hoon, chuckling as he turned off the end credits of the movie.

once he was comfortably situated in the tight space, he scrolled through social media, laughing about whatever until he felt a sudden bump on his shoulder.

sunghoon paused once he confirmed what he thought it was. he took a gulp, and turned towards the direction of the thunk.

the sight in front of him had his heart fluttering. he found y/n soundlessly asleep with her head set on his shoulder, quiet snores leaving her mouth as she unintentionally snuggled closer.

he missed this. all he could think about was how they’d fall asleep after their own movie nights, and she’d rest against his shoulder with their height difference.

he smiled to himself, lips stupidly curling at every memory flooding back. then he’d think about every little thing y/n would laugh about, every small detail about him that she made sure to remember, every single recollection that they shared together.

then he started thinking about her and her personality that was made match in heaven to suit him.

and eventually, it’d lead to her attractive features — her crooked smile, her eye smiles, her constant nose crinkles, her adorable habits that he loved to copy.

god, he looked like an idiot with how much he smiled to himself.

he didn’t even smile like this when he thought about wonyoung, but he loved her, not y/n.

then the trickling fear hit him.

panic spread across his face as he looked back at the sound-asleep girl next to him.

his heart was almost beating out of his chest once he realized it.

she was right. they couldn’t be friends.

✩ ‘wait for your love’ ✩

★・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・★

some ppl on here are so weird like why are you pretending to be japanese and korean

tinnitus play and suddenly im climbing up the walls scratching the ceiling rolling up the floor juggling my nuts shaking my ass

god, i am so fucking pissed. i haven’t been on twit for a little bit but i just went on there and i’m bombarded with videos and photos of the members being mobbed. when i tell you i am so fucking pissed, you’d best fucking believe. i really don’t think that belift realizes, or they just don’t give a shit, that these intense situations can lead to a lot of mental and physical distress. like, i know someone did not just hit sunghoon in the fucking head with a goddamn phone!? especially after he just got back from being unwell?! when i tell you i am so close to fighting each and every single chinese “engene” that was there, i fucking mean it. like the mental affliction alone is a lot. the stress the members must have endured in that?? like imagine how claustrophobic it would be to have so many people, pressing themselves up against you to the point where it starts getting difficult to breathe. them screaming in your ears to the point you can barely hear your own voice. great way to induce a fucking panic attack. the stress of it all? like, belift does not fucking think!? not only the mental impact this could have on them, but also the physical effects that could potentially transpire? if the stress got to them, they literally could’ve fainted, thrown up, etc etc.

TW!! not only that, but what if someone tried something on one of the members. they could get groped or fucking killed. god forbid, but let’s face it. these “fans” are fucking insane. they’ve threatened to hurt our boys before. you have no idea what could happen if these situations are not handled appropriately and effectively. things could go so terribly wrong if someone actually did try to do something or had a weapon with them. belift is actively putting enhypen in consistent danger. they need to hire professionally trained bodyguards and have at least 2-3 bodyguards per member in order to properly protect them. the members are humans and belift needs to start treating them as such instead of as assets.

ensuring the safety of enhypen should be a top priority. i hope belift takes the necessary steps to protect them better. but knowing them, it’s unlikely…

tagging moots ( both here and wwonwonism ) ! @stariekis @ssunooism @sincerelyrki @saursoob @kairoot @minhypenalt @chaseyikis @riki-shenanigans @rikihqq @okwonyos @euncsace @kimsunoops @lilacnini

again, no need to interact, just felt i needed to get this out here. i hope enha is doing better, and i hope belift finally fucking does something but, again, knowing them, they likely won’t.

i’ve realized that this is my second-third serious post in such short time, but i realize that there’s just a lot of people who are messed up in the brain both when it comes to enha as one and riki by himself.

grown men with nsfw accounts stop following me stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop pls i hate you

BE LIFT DO YOUR JOB

⚠️Not a texting post but pls read⚠️

PLEASE SPREAD THIS AND IF U CAN CONTACT HYBE PLS DO

I'm sorry for tagging but this is important: @imagine-a-life-like-this @banggyu0308 @boydepartment @i520u @luvistqrzzz

𝐂𝐎𝐋𝐃 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐒 – 𝟑𝟖

𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐑𝐓𝐘𝐄𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓: 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐥𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫

⤥ 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: 𝐏𝐚𝐫𝐤 𝐒𝐮𝐧𝐠𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐧 𝐱 𝐅𝐞𝐦𝐚𝐥𝐞 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

⤥ 𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞: 𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐝 𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐦𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬!𝐀𝐔

⤥ 𝐰𝐜: 𝟕𝐤

⤥ 𝐜𝐰: 𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐟𝐚𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐲 𝐢𝐬𝐬𝐮𝐞𝐬, 𝐝𝐲𝐬𝐟𝐮𝐧𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥 𝐟𝐚𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐲 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩𝐬, 𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐛𝐚𝐥, 𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐥 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥 𝐚𝐛𝐯𝐬𝐞, 𝐥𝐨𝐭𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐬𝐰𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐩𝐚𝐧𝐢𝐱 𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐚𝐜𝐤𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐚𝐬𝐬𝐨𝐜𝐢𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧

Up until you were four years old, christmas used to be your favorite holiday. You still remember your late mother’s tradition of hanging stockings with your names right next to the tree she had spent hours decorating and each year you’d watch your father get more and more excited about coming home to his girls to finally spend some time with the ones he loved the most.

In the year your mother had passed away, your father hadn’t even bothered to set up a tree, decorate the house or even buy you a little something. To your luck, your maternal aunt had made it her mission to carry on her sister’s tradition, so that was how you had found yourself at a dinner table with your dearest people, eating and laughing, forgetting about the pain in your chest for just a little while.

In the following years, your stepmother had never tried to recreate any of your old traditions and after a while you had stopped asking for it. By the time you had reached your pre-teen years, you were the older sister and maternal figure to two little boys, trying your best to give them memorable christmas memories and even going as far as saving up every cent you had received to buy them presents. You still remember the way Riki’s little face had lit up the second you had handed him that tiny little box with an action figure he had been asking for for months at that time.

As you two had grown older, your friend circle expanding and the concept of a found family becoming more and more right, you had started your annual friendsmas dinners, a tradition Jaeyun introduced you to all the way back in middle school and ever since that, every one of you had always made sure to find at least one day during the holiday season, which was exclusively reserved for your real family.

Maybe the comfort of your favorite people sitting at the dinner table, laughing and enjoying each other’s presence and knowing they’re the ones you feel the safest with is what makes it so much easier to spend so much time in such close proximity to the young man who’s been involuntarily spending a lot of time in your thoughts.

You hate Park Sunghoon. You hate him for looking as good as he does, for his soothing voice, his pretty smile and his dry humor. You hate how much you have to hold yourself back from laughing along to his silly little jokes and puns, and you can’t stand how badly you want to be even closer to him.

When he arrived with the beverages and a shit ton of snacks a few hours earlier, you physically couldn’t keep your eyes off of him. The dress shirt he’s wearing hugging his muscular torso in just the right places and his sweet scent – a combin of his aftershave and cologne – driving you into absolute insanity and if it wasn’t for the other boys being extra attentive, you would have pulled him into your room just to get another taste of him.

Yet every single time you catch yourself staring at him, your chest tightens and your little self is yelling and screaming at you for betraying her like that.

Because, no matter how much you deny it, you don’t actually hate Sunghoon as much as you want to. There’s no way you could ever feel as comfortable and at ease around someone you hate.

You two had managed to get along with each other for your friends’ sake, especially your younger brother’s, so why have things suddenly taken such a big turn? Was it the sex? Was it the kisses you’ve been daydreaming about? Was it the feeling of the way he’s shown you a side of yourself you’ve always been too afraid to look into? Or was it the way your tummy did this very special kind of flip whenever he buried his face in your neck, telling you how good you make him feel and how he’s gonna make sure to ruin you for every other man on this planet?

After all these years filled with hatred and wrath, anger and disappointment, the deep feeling of betrayal and not knowing why he never talked to you again after you had spent so much time and tears trying to understand where you had gone wrong, you just don’t know what to do with yourself.

Your younger self is losing her mind over your current thoughts about your biggest enemy but you…don’t actually mind them. There’s a weird sense of peace and comfort which comes with the thought of allowing yourself to feel something else beside the darkness of hate and wrath, something you’ve never actually felt with anyone before.

And as those thoughts fill your head, you can’t help but feel your chest tightening at the fact that there’s never been anyone like Park Sunghoon to you. You still remember the times you’d come running to his door, tears streaming down your chubby cheeks as you tried to understand why your father had suddenly started to hate you, only for Sunghoon to be the one to comfort you and make sure you know your worth regardless of others perception of you.

Riki and Tsuki as well as all the other boys have always been there for you, yet during those times where you didn’t have anyone, it was Park Sunghoon who held you in his arms.

All these years you had tried your best to push aside all those memories of all the times he had brought a smile onto your lips right before wiping your tears away and distracting you; the fact he didn’t know any better because of just how young you two were breaking your heart into millions of pieces.

You still remember the day you had decided to do what you thought was best and quit the one thing that had never failed to comfort your young soul during the darkest times, the fear of losing your best friend consuming your brain in ways you have yet to process and thinking about it now, almost a decade later, you still can’t help but feel tears welling up in your eyes as pain and sadness fill your chest.

In no universe could anything have prepared you for the actual outcome of a decision you had made for nobody but the person you loved the most, the sacrifice bigger than your young mind could have comprehended and the more you think about it, the angrier you get.

Of course Sunghoon had the right to be angry at you, but even now you can’t understand why he just never talked to you again. You had already accepted the possibility of losing him over your big decision, this wasn’t about you only, yet no matter how much time passes, you just can’t get yourself to forgive him for putting you through the heartbreak of abandoning you when you had needed him the most.

“It’s time for secret santa, bitches!”

The loud yelling of your best friend right beside your ear brutally pulls you out of your sad ride down memory lane and with your brows furrowed in confusion you stare at Jaeyun, leaving him just as perplexed.

“It’s time for secret santa…ladies?”

As those words leave his lips, you physically can’t stop the hideous chuckle from bubbling up your throat, throwing your head back and punching your best friend's arm with your fist.

It’s in moments like this where you realize just how much you appreciate the people you’ve been calling your family for longer than you can remember, knowing they’d never fail to pull you back to reality without even trying.

It doesn’t take much for everyone to get even louder as a discussion about the present order stirs up and before anyone can get a little too worked up about it, you decide to opt for your usual routine.

“I fucking hate being the oldest”, Heeseung pouts and doens the rest of his wine in one sip, his eyes rolling back as he lifts his middle finger up in the direction of your three youngest who have never let the opportunity pass to tease him for his age.

As the presents are being opened one by one, you attentively look at the little box in your hand, the name tag printed out to avoid anyone giving away their identity through their handwriting, a rule Jongseong had come up years ago and the longer you eye your neatly wrapped present, the more you wonder what it could be.

The fact you have absolutely no idea who your secret santa is, something you’ve always been bad at when it came to this part of your friend group’s tradition, Park Sunghoon can’t help but feel his heart thrumming in his throat at the thought of your reaction.

In all those years, you two had actually managed to never pick each other – until this year. Sunghoon still remembers the way his heart had dropped when he had read your name on the little note, a ton of ideas instantly popping up in his head only for his younger self to take them all and stomp them to the ground.

However, after a whole decade of letting his angry pre-teen self win those fights, Sunghoon has decided to finally put an end to the feud between the two of you and for once in his life the stars were on his side.

It took him exactly a month to come up with the perfect secret santa present for you, one that’d not only show you how over the ongoing war between you two he is, but also one he could use as a way to maybe win you over again.

If someone had told him about the thoughts he’d have about you only four months prior to this friendsmas dinner, Sunghoon would have told them to stop wasting his time because in no way could he have imagined things to turn out like this. But now? Now he’s genuinely excited and actually nervous about your reaction to the present he had gotten you and the most important part about it all is the fact he’s not even mad about feeling the way he does.

He still hates you.

But after all these years, he’s grown tired, mentally and physically exhausted of denying how much he actually wants you and how he’s always longed for your actual presence in his life.

It took quite a few conversations with Jaeyun to finally admit this to himself but at the end of the day Sunghoon knew there wasn’t a point in his denial so he’s just decided to accept things.

At the end of the day the day will come where he has to let you go completely and after years and years of emotional distance, Sunghoon has now come to the point where it just doesn’t make sense anymore.

He still hates you, with the entirety of his cold heart and yet he’s never, ever craved anybody’s touch and presence as much as yours. To admit to himself that all of this wasn’t just about the way you’ve mad ehim feel in a sexual manner was definitely one of the hardest pills he’s ever had to swallow but now that it’s gone and done, Hoon actually feels relieved.

Maybe that’s why he decided to opt for a present which carries a lot more sentimental value than any other gift he’s ever given but if life is on his side just this once, you probably won’t ever know who your secret santa is.

With his heart brutally hammering against his rib cage, Sunghoon carefully watches the way you clap your hands in excitement when your turn finally arrives.

For some reason, unusual silence fills your comforting living room as you gently rip apart the perfectly themed gift wrapper and reveal a tiny little jewelry box to everyone’s curious eyes.

“Oh?” You can’t help but mumble, a weird yet comfortable feeling settling into your muscles when you pull out the little car underneath the box, the boys quickly urging you to read it out loud, to your surprise however, it’s written in your mother tongue.

As it takes you a good second to translate the words on the little note, you gasp for air once your brain finally realizes what you’ve just read.

“Oh, come on! Don’t fuck with us!” Jungwon pouts and reaches for the card, only for his brows to furrow once he notices the foreign language.

“What? What is it?” This time it’s your brother’s voice and it’s then that you quickly get up and reach for the little card, the message too deep, too close to your heart to blurt out, even into your closest circle of friends.

“Open the box then!” Sunoo reminds you and it’s then that you find yourself holding onto your present like your life depends on it as your chest continues to tighten.

Just as the note had stated, you’re met with the sight of a beautiful ring, with your mother’s birthstone as the center of attention.

“Can I read it out loud?” Riki asks calmly, his voice slightly hoarse and strained, letting you and everyone else know just how emotional it’s gotten him as well. Unable to form another word, you nod.

“Dear Y/N”, your brother begins as the room falls silent once again, “if there’s one thing in this world that I’m actually sure about, it’s about how proud your late mother is of you and the woman you’re growing into every single day. Take this as a way to carry her by your side, as her birthstone reminds you of the great impact she’s had on your life and the ones of the people she was surrounded by. Sincerely, your secret santa.”

As you listen to the translation of the sweetest letter you’ve ever received you can’t help but actually let out a soft sob, the holidays being some of toughest times in your life since the passing of your mother and the fact you have people as caring and attentive as this in your life will probably remain one of the few things to break down those walls you had worked so hard to built.

“Oh wow”, Jongseong suddenly whispers and breaks the silence, his reaction finally making you look up from the ring just to be met with a bunch of teary eyes as they all take in a moment filled with such love and happiness.

“This is the sweetest and most thoughtful gift we’ve ever had in our secret santa round”, Wonie chuckles and quickly wipes away his tears, his usually so excited eyes filled with a pain that’s dedicated to you and the deep wound in your chest, this kind of compassion something you’ve only ever received from your closest friends.

“Thank you so much”, you whisper into the round and take the ring out of the box to gently put it onto your ring finger, the fit almost too perfect and with curious eyes you try your best to study the reactions of your friends to see if you can actually read their facial expressions for once during this part of your traditional dinner.

And just when you’re about to get confused because of the genuine surprise in everyone’s face, your gaze finally shifts to the one guy you’ve tried so hard not to fall for in these past few weeks, maybe even years but that’s something for another time.

Sunghoon almost looks like he’s been caught once your eyes meet and it’s that exact moment where you realise the identity of your secret santa.

However, the sudden and very urgent ringing of your doorbell comes to save the both of you from a confrontation neither is quite ready for just yet.

You might be naive or too deep in your denial, but for now you’re going to allow yourself to enjoy this present and the sentiment it comes with, rather than worry about whatever this heavy tension between you and your archenemy has suddenly turned to.

“I’ll go get it”, you quickly say and avert your gaze from Sunghoon’s dark eyes, too emotionally vulnerable to give yourself another minute of staring at him with everyone around, “Seungie open your present, I’ll be right back. It's probably just a neighbor!”

You basically jump out of your seat in hopes of escaping the thick tension between you and the only man you’ve ever been openly vulnerable with, something you just can’t seem to forget and as your shaky legs carry you to your front door, you wonder which one of your sweet neighbors is in such a rush to the point where breaking your doorbell was deemed necessary.

Now, there are quite a few faces and voices you expected, but definitely not the ones belonging to none other than your biggest walking nightmare.

With wide eyes and your heart instantly dropping into your stomach, you feel a wave of fear and anxiety overwhelm your senses as you stare right into the hateful, angry eyes of your stepmother.

“What the–”, “You ungrateful, spoiled, selfish whore of a girl”, she screams, intentionally raising the volume of her voice as her hurtful words start echoing in the hallway of your apartment building.

The sudden urge to just slam the door shut again to keep yourself safe and protected from the pain and heartbreak you know she’s gonna put yoj through becomes overwhelming but before your body can even react to the sheer amount of stress and anxiety rushing through your veins, she’s already pushed you to the side, letting herself inside of your home the same way she did almost two decades ago.

“What are you doing here?” Your voice is quiet, much calmer than hers and to your surprise you don’t seem to let her and her words get to you the way you normally would. It’s rather confusion you’re dealing with, since nothing or nobody could have prepared you for her presence. You haven’t seen her in almost five years after all, not after she had convinced your own, biological father to finally disown you after years and years of neglect and torture.

“I’m here to get what rightfully belongs to me and my daughter, the sister you abandoned!”

Her voice, its volume and her precise choice of words have always been something that never failed to trigger the weirdest reactions deep inside of your chest and before you can even think about anything else, you furrow your brows and finally get yourself to look into her eyes.

“Watch the way you talk to me in my own fucking home, you witch”, you spit right back at her, anger, wrath and frustration mixing in your veins the longer you look into her dark eyes, the resemblance to your brother’s so inhense, you can’t help but hate life for making him her carbon copy.

Riki has never looked at you with anything but love, compassion, empathy and kindness. His eyes have never failed to make you feel at ease and not once were they filled with disappointment and hatred, building the absolute contrast to the ones you’re currently staring into.

Just as expected, it doesn’t take much time for your friends to be alarmed by the sound of the rather unfamiliar voice.

“What’s going on? Mom, why the fuck are you here?”

Your stepmother seems appalled, shocked and utterly shocked at her son’s choice of words and as you watch the way her face drop only for her eyes to darken even further, you find yourself taking a step back to somehow protect yourself, only for a familiar scent to fill your nose.

However, in that moment you can’t get yourself to worry about how your lack of reaction to Sunghoon’s presence in your back might come across to the others in the room.

“You’re both a disgrace to our family name and I’m ashamed you’re both somehow related to me”, she snaps and quickly averts her gaze to fall on you again, her eyes filled with an even deeper hatred than before.

“Mom, what the fuck do you want from us? Weren’t we clear enough about our decisions? You can’t fucking force us to give you money we don’t even have!”

It’s in moments like these where you watch your younger brother turn back into the tiny little kid you had raised, the one who always tried to have your back and never let anyone hurt you even more. He seems so lost, so confused and overwhelmed and every time you’re met with the sight of his usually so kind eyes filled with nothing but pain and agony, you remember all the times he had cried in your arms asking why your parents never loved the two of you the way parents are supposed to.

“Money you don’t have?”, the sudden switch in language feels overwhelming, yet your brain quickly adapts to the change and for a moment you’re actually grateful, “why do you two live in an apartment like this then? You have a fucking internship and I know this loser has more than enough saved on the side.”

“We’re not gonna finance another one of your spoiled kids just because she thinks she’s entitled to go to a fucking boarding school”, Riki is quick to reply and internally you thank him for his speed, knowing she would have chewed you out by now if it wasn’t for him.

You can feel everyone’s eyes in your back, a wave of shame and guilt, anger and embarrassment spreading in your chest as you find yourself in another screaming match right in front of all of your friends just the way you used to back then.

Because, no matter what, your father and his wife had always made sure to humiliate and embarrass you in front of the only people you care about.

For a moment, your mind goes blank.

It feels like you’re ten years old all over again and your brain simply doesn’t know how to handle all the emotions washing over you. The urge to run away and hide in the darkest corner of your room the way you used to do it back when you were a little girl suddenly becomes overwhelming and yet, the strong presence in your back calms you down in a way you’ve never experienced it before. There’s just something so familiar and comforting about the knowledge that of all people, it’s Sunghoon who’s ready to step in if he needs to.

With your heart hammering against your rib cage you notice that a thin veil of tears has blurred your vision and as soon as your eyes meet your stepmother’s, you feel yourself snap back into reality.

She can’t hurt you anymore.

Your father isn’t there to defend and support her, nor are you alone with her.

It’s you and the only people who have ever cared about your wellbeing against her and you’d be damned if you didn’t use this to your advantage.

“She’s turned you into an even bigger hypocrite than herself!”

Those words, however, leave you speechless once again.

Agonizing silence erupts in the tiny space of your hallway and with big eyes you try your best to stay composed.

If there’s one thing you’ve always tend to forget about your stepmother is just how unhinged and reckless she can be. Everything she says and throws into your face is a weapon, something to hurt and break your soul with.

“What the fuck does that even mean? If there are any hypocrites in this fucked up family it’s you and your lousy excuse of a husband!”, Riki screams back at her, the volume of his voice so loud and unfamiliar, you can’t remember the last time you’ve heard him like this.

“Oh, really? So, she still hasn’t told you about it, hm?”

There’s only everbeen two times in your life where your elt your heart drop as hard and painful as right now and the longer you stare at the oman who was supposed to be your maternal figure, only to fail miserably, the tighter your chest becomes.

She hates you; there’s probably not an ounce of empathy or love for you in her cold heart, but she wouldn’t actually do this, not when it was the last thing you had begged her and your father for before you left your childhood home five years ago.

“Hasn’t told me what? What are you talking about? Stop fucking with me, Mom”, your brother presses through gritted teeth, his hands balled into tight fists, so tight his knuckles have turned white already and if it wasn’t for his two best friends holding his arms, you’re pretty sure he would have lost his composure already.

“Don’t”, you whisper and subconsciously reach for her, only for Sunghoon to quickly pull your arm back because he knows you’d never forgive yourself if you actually gave in to her manipulative tactics, “please, don’t. Not here. Not now.”

“Oh, now you know how to be polite? Fuck you”, your stepmother scoffs and rolls her eyes at you, stomping every tiny bit of hope you’ve had left into the ground just like that and as your brother’s head turns to look into your face, you realize there’s no way out but to accept your fate.

“She’s the biggest fucking hypocrite because every time you both accused us of favoritism, she turned around and did the same with you and her other siblings”, she suddenly begins and with your head hanging low, you know she’s going to expose you to the only people who have ever deemed you worthy of their love and trust, especially your brother.

“What?” Riki mumbles confused, his eyes nervously roaming your face as he looks for answers in your body language only to notice how defeated and exhausted you seem.

“If your father and I favored your to siblings over you two, then she made sure to do the same with you, too”, your stepmother repeated herself, her voice filled burning in your eardrum like venom, “because she went and gave up on her so called ‘biggest dream’ for you, yet can’t even get herself to contribute a single cent to her other siblings’ education.”

Silence.

Heartbreaking, soul shattering silence is the only thing to follow the hateful words of your brother’s mother.

For a moment, you’re pretty sure nobody in the room dares to take a single breather as they all take in Riki’s reaction to the one secret you’ve been keeping to yourself for so long, knowing he would have never forgiven himself if you had told him all those years ago.

“What?”

Sunghoon’s voice is the one to rip your heart into shreds and yet a huge wave of confusion hits you right afterwards, not quite understanding how in the world he could have understood when your stepmother had been talking in her mother tongue the whole time.

“Is that true?” This time your brother manages to form a coherent sentence, his voice so mall you’re afraid he’ll break if he spoke too loudly and for some reason, the only thing you can manage to respond with is a nod. Too ashamed of your secret, too afraid of his reaction.

Who could have blamed you for keeping this to yourself when Riki has been he first in your life to support you regardless of other people’s perception of you. No matter what, where or who it was about, your little brother has always been the one to have your back, so abandoning your dream in order to give him the opportunities you’ve never had seemed the only choice to make.

“What…the fuck?”, Riki breathes and stares at you through a thick veil of tears, his heart breaking into thousands of pieces as he realizes that he’s the reason behind the biggest sacrifice you’ve ever made in your life.

All this time he’d wonder why you had decided to abandon your dream to the point where even the sight of an ice rink broke your heart, only for his existence to be the answer.

“Say something”, your brother begs, his voice a mere whisper, “please, Y/N. Please, tell me you didn’t choose my future over your biggest passion.”

You can’t even get yourself to lift your head, the thought of looking into your brother’s eyes pushing you deeper into the darkness of your pain, only for Sunghoon to forcefully pull you out of it.

“That’s why you stopped skating?”

The question seems so random and out of place, not something you should be talking about in that moment and yet nothing has made more sense to him as this.

After almost a decade of wondering why you had decided to abandon not only your passion but him, your partner of four years, all your hard work and effort, Sunghoon has finally gotten his response, only for his heart to break all over again.

All of a sudden, he’s back at the ice rink, impatiently waiting for you to show up next to him as the host of the national competition announces your name for the third time. All of a sudden the same anger, disappointment and confusion fills his chest all over again and before he can even realize, he’s gasping for air.

“Hold the fuck up”, Riki suddenly intervenes, “why the fuck are you so fluent in Japanese?”

“You – understood what she said?”, is the only question you manage to form as you slowly turn around to face him, yet not bothering to step away from him because no matter what, if there’s one person whose anger has never, ever scared you, it’s Park Sunghoon’s.

In the deepest bits of your coldened heart, you always knew he’d keep you safe and sound, regardless of the hatred you two had built up for each other over the years.

He’s always been your safe place and as you look up to meet his gaze, you’re met with a look filled with nothing but genuine confusion and pain.

A pain so deep, so intense, you chest tightens with each breath you manage to take.

“Why – Why didn’t you just…tell me?” Sunghoon is now the one to whisper, his thick brows furrowed and when your brain finally processes his words, you can’t help but let the rage take over your pain for a minute.

“I fucking did”, you suddenly hiss and stare at him with tears streaming down your cheeks, the situation turning you both into your younger selves as you finally allied yourself to feel the anger and disappoint of being abandoned by one o the two people who your life had revolved around for so long.

“You were the only person I ever told about this in my letter”, the words leave your mouth before your brain can even overthink them, too much pent up frustration filling your veins for your body to handle, “and yet you chose to abandon and ignore me. You left me when I needed you the most, Park Sunghoon. You were the only hope I had left and what the fuck did you do instead? You left and never looked back, not once.”

For the first time in his life, Sunghoon feels absolutely speechless.

Your words, the anger and pain in your voice, your tears and little sobs make their way through his skull and yet, the entirety of his vocabulary seems to have vanished. Maybe it’s the sudden switch into his mother tongue or maybe, just maybe it’s the fact he has absolutely no idea what letter you’re actually referring to.

Tsuki is quick to be by your side, your brother still too overwhelmed by his mother’s words and her being the only one besides him and apparently your biggest enemy to understand the entire situation, you can’t help but bury your face in her shoulder and sob uncontrollably.

You’ve never said these words out loud. Years and years of built up pain you’ve had to lock away because the one person responsible for it had made it his life mission to let you know just how bad of a person you are to him.

All this time you tried to understand why Sunghoon had turned his back on you during the most difficult time in your life, when the only reason you had accepted your parents’ ultimatum was because you were so, so sure your best friend would find a solution.

But at the end of the day you were left with no dream and no best friend to rely on.

“What letter?”

For a moment, you’re more than just sure your brain has finally reached the state where you’re making up voices and words, only for Sunghoon to repeat his question, this time a lot firmer and even more confused than the first time.

“What the fuck do you mean? The letter I wrote for you the week before the competition”, you reply and look at him with furrowed brows and a heavy chest.

“Y/N”, Hoon whispers and for the first time in your life, you watch your former ice skating partner tear up, the sight of his pain filled eyes and the fact he had actually called you by your name to your face ripping you heart to shreds, yet not being enough to prepare you for the pain his following words would push you into.

“I never received a letter”, he whispers and looks at you, and only you.

“Wh-What? No, that’s not possible”, you stammer and try to make sense of what he had just told you, the aching of your heart spreading into your whole body to the point where every breath you inhale pushes you deeper into the comfort of your suffering.

“I have no idea what letter you’re talking about”, Sunghoon repeats himself and gulps harshly, swallowing his tears as his expression hardens, yet the agony remains lingering underneath the surface, “all I got was embarrassment and betrayal when I got to the ice rink and realized you weren’t show up. No explanation, no fucking excuse. Not a single fucking answer as to why my best friend, the person I’ve poured my heart to for years would leave me hanging in front of hundreds of people.”

Sunghoon has never been a talkative person, not with too many people around, but he’s always known his way around words, something you found yourself admiring and actually falling for in the past.

But in this very moment, every single word falling past his lips turns into another knife slashing its way into the bleeding muscle in your chest, leaving you confused and overwhelmed.

“I didn’t – No – My letter – I would never do that to you”, you stumble over your words like a toddler, unable to find the right ones to explain your innocence.

“Where is that fucking letter then, Y/N? What the fuck is going on?”

Maybe it’s the fact that Sunghoon has never been as emotionally overwhelmed as this before or maybe it's because the sight of your tear stained cheeks and confused eyes as you shake your head and deny his accusations but the longer he looks at you, the worse his soul bleeds.

After so many years of verbal and emotional abuse from his parents, you were the very first person in his life who had shown that there was more to life than just the validation of people who never wanted him. Of all people in this world, it was your hands he had put his tiny heart into because he knew you’d always keep it safe and protected, only for your absence to scar him forever.

For a single second, Sunghoon’s brain is filled with flashbacks about one of the most humiliating days in his life and as he shakes his head to get rid of all the bad memories, his gaze meets your stepmother’s, bringing back a conversation he had tried so hard to suppress as the mee thought of it was enough to deepen his young torture.

“You”, he suddenly spits, his blood boiling in his veins as he remembers exactly how your stepmother had validated all of his thoughts and concerns.

“Oh, come on”, she scoffs and shrugs her shoulders, not an ounce of guilt or shame found anywhere, leaving the both of you completely shocked, “I just wanted to make sure he doesn’t try to convince you to keep going. We knew you wouldn’t back off so this was for the best. Riki’s potential was too much to be wasted and we couldn’t risk it for that little hobby of yours.”

You desperately try to process the things your stepmother is saying, yet you’ve never struggled to understand your mother tongue as much as in this particular moment.

Yes, she hates you, always has and forever will, but…was she really capable of something so cruel?

“You never…gave him the letter?”

“She didn’t”, Sunghoon presses through gritted teeth, his ears covered in the deepest shade of red as anger and weather come together in his blood, “all she did was tell me that you had decided to quit skating. After watching me get humiliated in front of all those people. For fuck’s sake, she told me you never actually wanted to be my skating partner and did it out of pity before he convinced my father to make me go solo and show you what you’re missing out on.”

“What…the actual fuck”, after what feels like an eternity, your brother’s voice makes its way through the mess in your brain and before you can actually register all the emotions in his tired eyes, you watch Riki, one of the calmest and most understanding people you’ve ever met, lose every bit of composure he had left.

“Riki–”, “Don’t”, he’s quick to cut off his mother, Jungwon and Sunoo having to physically hold him back as the tears start streaming down his cheeks and despite everything you had just found out, it’s the sight of your brother’s pain which breaks you.

“Don’t ever say my name again. Don’t call me or my sister ever again. You’re the most disgusting and vile human being I’ve ever met. She was twelve!”, he screams and rips his arms out of his best friends’ grips, approaching his mother with soft sobs escaping his throat.

“How can someone – a mother do this to a little girl? You took her dream away from her, for what? To send me to a fucking boarding school I never even wanted to attend? And after all of the mental, emotional and verbal abuse you and your fucking loser of a husband have put us through, you still have the fucking audacity to show up at our door and demand money for children who don’t give a flying fuck about us.”

Riki’s words are harsh, his voice is loud and there’s nothing positive about any of the things he says; everything he’s ever wanted to say is finally being heard and all you can do is watch and listen.

Just like his miserable excuse of a mother.

“Riki, I–”, “Shut the fuck up. I don’t care anymore. Fuck you, fuck that husband you’re so proud of and fuck those stupid brats. You all deserve to rot in hell for the things you’ve put us through”, your brother’s chest is rising and falling at such speed, you’re genuinely worried for his physical health and even if it takes you a minute, you’re rather quick to notice the signs of an oncoming panic attack. Just like Sunghoon.

Before you can even think about intervening, you watch your former best friend make his way to your brother with just a few large steps, grabbing the younger one’s biceps and almost forcefully pulling him down to his room.

“Fuck off and don’t ever come back”, Riki suddenly yells as he watches his mother take a few steps back with genuine fear grazing her rather unattractive features, “you’re dead to us. Every single one of you is.”

“This is not done here”, your stepmother’s words of protest definitely surprise you and as your eyes roam her face, you feel your brain shutting down, finally losing yourself in the sweet relief of disassociation the second your body can’t handle any of it anymore.

“It is”, this time it’s Tsuki, her voice so strict and cold, you actually aren’t sure if it’s her, “get the fuck out of here before we call the police.”

You don’t actually hear the rest of the argument between your best friend and stepmother, too exhausted and tired, drained and worn out to think another thought, something your best friends are quick to notice and before you can even understand what’s happening, you find yourself in the comfort of your bedroom.

“Come on, Y/N”, Jungwon whispers, his pretty eyes filled with deep concern and pain as he pulls the blanket over your slightly shaking body, “we’re here. You’re safe.”

Those are the last words to make it through the fog in your head as you finally let go of every single thought and slowly drift into a deep, dreamless sleep.

And maybe it’s the pain of knowing he won’t ever get the past decade with you back or maybe it’s the fact someone else had decided to not only take away the biggest joy in his life but also the first and only person he’s ever felt safe with, but as Sunghoon gently caresses your hair, silently watching your expressions soften the deeper your sleep becomes, he simply can’t stop the tears from streaming down his cheeks. his soft sobs and cries the only thing to fill the space of your bedroom.

← 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐬 — 𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 — 𝐧𝐞𝐱𝐭 →

(A/N: i don't even know what to say except thank you guys so, so much. i really hope the waiting was worth it and that i could meet yours and my own expectations. ot's definitely not the end but i can't believe we've actually made it to this point. i love and appreciate you all so, so much. 🩷☀️🌷💐)

TAGLIST: @soonigiri @en-happiness @lhsvibez @dammit-jjk @heerinnie @primroselover @jungwon-xo @szkstay @lostwonderwall @hoonieluv @certifiedmoa @doodlelibrary @ikeuizm @kpoprhia @sleeping-demons @imtoanonymousforyou @lalalovejay @ineedsomezzz @xrr-s4sha @viagumi @electrobutterfly @mimikittysblog @blurryriki @heelcvr @wonkifangirl @joonzseoulmate @kwiwin @hoondiors @seuomo @zerasari @love-you-twice @aloverga @marz-mars @velvtcherie @niniissus @abrazosolorcereza @ddazed-lhs @acphengene @skz-streamer @kshoshi @tya0 @yizhoutv @jebetwo @myheelody @seokgyuu @blockbusterhee @luvkpopp @heeslut4life

for the riki smut writers❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

REPORT RIKI SMUT

Please please please report ANY smut you see on here or anywhere abt Riki since it's literally the sexualization of a MINOR (legal age in Korea is 19) a main acc making smut of him is @inkysocker please report them and do NOT interact with their works. Idc if they try to say some middle school ass typa shit as a comeback. Riki has been one of the most sexualized idols since he was 14. People failing to see that and and contributing to the sexualization of a CHILD shows how fucking disgusting you guys are. I said it before and ill say it again, idc if you're younger than him or older, be a decent person and treat him like a normal fucking human being. And if you bring up any of the other members to excuse sexualizing him then you're just as bad as the smut writers. Also, please report any accs you see liking or reblogging any posts sexualizing him and if u dont then I hope you sleep well at night knowing youre disregarding the sexualization of a minor thats been going through this since he was a freshly turned teenager (sorry if there's any typos i js got my nails done and it's hella hard to type)

So romantic 😍😍💞💞 he's so eager to meet me 🥰🥰

BEST WRITER AWARD GOES TOO!! Wonryllis!! 💗💗

HIGH ON HEELS FOR YOU.

────𝖺𝗅𝗍𝖾𝗋𝗇𝖺𝗍𝗂𝗏𝖾𝗅𝗒, 𝗐𝗁𝖾𝗇 𝗒𝗈𝗎 𝗐𝖾𝖺𝗋 𝗉𝗋𝖾𝗍𝗍𝗒 𝗁𝖾𝖾𝗅𝗌 𝖿𝗈𝗋 𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗆.

( NOTES. ) enhypen as starstruck bois. fluff. fem!centered. lowercase intended. unedited. 860wc. requested. 𓈃 ๋ 𝐍𝐄𝐖 峠 requests open!

⋆ ─ LEE HEE-SEUNG. 이희승 boy can't take his eyes off your feet quite literally. from the moment you bring them out he's staring at the pair, watching your pretty hands put your pretty feet in them, tying the little pretty ribbons around your pretty ankles.

"baby, are you wearing that one?" heeseung asks, his brown orbs glued to the pastel green pencil heels you grab from your closet. slowly moving closer and sitting beside you on the vanity couch as you put them on carefully,"it's so beautiful, it even goes with your nails!" you laugh at the enthusiasm in his voice, everytime you wear heels he just babbles so many compliments.

⋆ ─ PARK JONG-SEONG. 박종성 jay is relatively composed even though in his mind all he can think about is how beautiful you look in those blue heels he just bought for you the other day. for him it looks even prettier because he got them for you, he choose it for you.

"aren't these the ones i got you from milan?" jay walks over to the full mirror in your closet as you admire how the baby blue wedges look on you, his hands circling around your waist and chin resting at the crook of your neck. "i knew you'd look so so pretty in them," you nod giggling when he press a fluttering kiss to your exposed shoulder before admiring you in the mirror.

⋆ ─ SIM JAE-YUN. 심재윤 you best believe he's the one putting them on for you. eyes sparkling the way they compliment your dress, oh also he putting the dress on you too. he just wants to be the one to doll you up his pretty little girl who just needs to sit and look pretty.

"let me choose!" jake rushes past you into the closet, quickly sliding open the doors and going through the bunch of dresses and heels you own. when he finds the dress he wants, he helps you put it on through every step. as for the heels he goes down on his knees, guides you feet in them and ties the pretty white lace around your ankle,"like a real doll, my doll, so pretty,"

⋆ ─ PARK SUNG-HOON. 이희승 he literally has hearts in his eyes as he watches you. always walks behind you cause he lovess the way your hips sway from side to side when you walk in your heels. and the way you look so confident he's down bad for it.

"angel, you're so beautiful. how do you manage to be so beautiful all the time?" sunghoon rambles walking just a step behind and pausing a second too long at the doors of the elevator as you get on first. at the party he's literally gatekeeping you from others,"can't believe you're all mine," sneaking little neck kisses and jaw kisses here and there to show you off at the same time.

⋆ ─ KIM SUN-WOO. 김선우 he's such a hype man for you, always encouraging you to put on your pretty heels for him. when you get tired he'll always offer to piggyback you or carry you princess style. also loves holding you close by your lower back, such an opportunity for him.

"my baby is always a beauty," sunoo gushes having his hand around your lower back as you walk through the party you're at. gushing and asking everyone you two talk to "isn't my girl so pretty?" and how lucky he is to have you. "we'll be leaving, my baby is tired," when he notices your discomfort, bending down and signalling you to get on him,"come on, your prince will bring you home,"

⋆ ─ YANG JUNG-WON. 양정원 you can see it all in his face, the way he's at a loss for words, the way he moves around you everything. but he also worries if you might twist your ankle or trip so always holds your hands and leads anywhere and everywhere you go.

"here, hold on to me love," jungwon offers his arm when you reach a pair of steps that are too steep. and immediately after intertwining his fingers with you to guide you safe as he walks just a step ahead supporting you. "you look so pretty in heels but you know i dont wan' you hurt," he says pressing a kiss to your forehead and then after to your lips, tightening his grip.

⋆ ─ NISHIMURA RI-KI. 西村力 if he's not saying anything just know he loves it. and if he starts complaining that he'll not carry you back if you get tired just know he'll take off your heels for you and make you wear his shoes while he holds onto them and walks back bare foot.

"there i saved you princess," riki grins slyly, holding tight onto your waist after you accidentally trip on open air and grass. his hand stays there for a moment as he helps you stand straight, tucking a strand of hair that fell on your eyes. he immediately scoops you up and places you on a nearby bench. then taking off his shoes and your heels,"put them on pls, hm?"

TAGLIST ( open. ) @kangseulgithegreat @s00buwu @luvyev @pockyyasii

"Love me, until I love myself"

We met when the weather was warm,

And we held each other under the bright summer day.

You reached for my hand,

And held it safely within yours.

Now, it's November,

And the weather's cold.

And I don't know you anymore.

Gonna start posting poetry or whatever on here because why not

Jesus, are these "engenes" ok? Like no way you asked him that my god 💀

Help I was on X/Twitter and I came across a vid of the fansign in Macau where a fan told jungwon "can you call me mommy" 🤧🤧

- 🌸

oh that's sick.. (T ^ T)

[ MP3 download ]

full credit: ever913