I've Never Wanted My Dad To Die Die. Not That I Recall, Anyway; Like I'd Legitimately Be Sad If He Did

I've never wanted my dad to die die. Not that I recall, anyway; like I'd legitimately be sad if he did go, and it scares me to know that it could happen at any point in time.

But the other day, my dread for that possibility worsened, because I remembered that if he does die, they'll be expecting me to give a speech. As his kid, as his firstborn, as someone who knew him and someone he loved, all that stuff. And I really, really don't know what I'd even say.

They don't want to hear me talk about the weird fears and control issues and insecurities I have because of him. They don't want to hear about my inability to do work in front of people, or about how I almost flunked out of highschool because of him, or how the sound of the garage door meant that the worst part of every day was about to start, or how I struggle to shower now and wonder if it's his fault.

They want to hear how much I loved him, and about all the good memories I have about him. And I know that they're there, I know that I have loved him and that in some ways, I still do, and I know that there are good memories, but I just don't remember them.

I do know that I'll cry at his funeral, regardless of what happens, because I can always cry when I see the people around me doing it. But I don't know what words I'll put with it.

If you've nothing nice to say, say nothing. Do I lie? Do I exaggerate? Do I decline to speak? Act like I can't get the words out? I don't know what I'm meant to do, and the prospect frightens me.

those two pokemon horses are definitly lesbian girlfriends

Sometimes I forget my friends are trans and I'm like "yooo they got the trans flag, what a superb ally" or like, I'll see it in their June layout and I'll be like ??????????????????

jessica

I need to proceed with my university work, but instead, I made a tumblr account to hit my friends with a pawprint. God help me.

Sometimes I forget cis men exist because I’ll see a shirtless man without boobs and be like “where are your scars, homie??”