Obsessed With The Characters Who Stay Light Hearted And Joyous But Who Have Stolen It From The Darkness.

Obsessed with the characters who stay light hearted and joyous but who have stolen it from the darkness. There is blood under their fingernails — there is pain under their eyes — there is hurt in their timeline and they have felt every blow. But they have refused to let it take their joy, their sun, their kindness, their heart. This. This is mine. This is the thing no one gets to touch. The people who are unbeatable simply because they will always look up from the ground with blood on their lip and a light in their eyes. And nothing can ever cut out the light in their chest. Nothing can touch their rebellious, boundless belief that the universe has a sense of humor. I stay silly, I stay open, I stay alive and alive and I lived when the whole world said otherwise. the dandelion in the pavement. The vine on the wall. I lived and I loved the inherent brokenness of a once whole thing and it was me, I was the thing that is whole no longer. I gave flowers to the darkness. I gave my soul to the light. 

My experience exactly. I kept smiling and being kind and never said “NO!” only “I’m not sure,” until I tried to kill myself. Very seriously tried. Actually I prefer to say “and then I killed myself”. Only I survived somehow.  Doctors made kickass job, 2 weeks in coma, yadda-yadda.    For me faking is just a normal way to live and it does nothing to my inner feelings. I learned to fake like I learned to walk and talk and was absolutely shocked, when I understood: most people does not leave consciously hints, what are they feeling, what they want others to understand. This nonverbal stuff comes mostly “naturally”, without effort. Not on purpose, it just happens.  Like ... the hell. How weird. People can do that? I cannot. 

Growing up autistic is being told to "fake it till you make it", only to realise you've just been faking it but never made it

Depressioon

Ei ole midagi öelda, mida juba poleks öelnud. Ei ole midagi mõelda, mida juba poleks mõelnud. Niisama sama jama tuttav valu lauba taga, tuttav hirm ja lootusetus. Kõik on sama. Muutust netu.

“Oh, you have accomplished so much! Be proud, you true author!” “Well, yeah, but those books took less trouble and self-discipline than using my vacuum and cleaning the apartement Every Fucking Week 2 years in a row!!!”

everyday i wake up and i go “god i’m so tired. i can’t do this anymore.” and then i get up and i continue to do it

ramadan mubarak to all those who are observing. may this holy month sooth all of the aches lingering in your heart, wash away whatever burdens that may be weighing you down, reward you for all of the sacrifices that you have had to make in order to survive, shine light through whatever darkness that has made you doubt your place in this world, and grant you the inner peace, genuine happiness, and relief that you have been praying so patiently for.