Laul-self-fif - (⁠人⁠*⁠´⁠∀⁠｀⁠)⁠｡⁠*ﾟ⁠+

what i think will happen everytime i post

self indulgent drawingz for i because that was a shit of a day today.

,⚠️, This is a vent post, I'm ranting what happened to me and what passes through my head at 3am rn so don't except this to make 100% and its just my feelings on the table, and check the TWs

TW: s3lf-harm below the cut, and vent text; mentions of s3lf-harm, d3personalitazion/d3realisazion, d3pression?

So... yeah, that was very shitty

first off all I didn't sleep at all at night, I just can't sleep when it's a school night, I was playing tinkerbell and the fairy rescue on ds emulator on my phone, going on tiktok and stuff, just everything I could do to not think of school or just my life in general. Asked to stay home but no, I had to go for at least the morning OR after lunch, since breakfast i was crying and trembling, even in the car, i still think of how my parent told me they won't drop me to school in the morning bcs i was crying and i'm like "why do you care about that??" like, I know how to wipe my own tears n hide it quickly what do u think i was doing in middle school lol, so I got dropped and I was feeling like, so drowned, I couldn't take this for me like that, so I went in the toilet and s3lf-harmed bcs it was just too much, I don't wanna be there, no one cares about my actual mental except 2 online friends but that's it. i'm just trapped in my own fucking mind, so i went to class, crying less but crying and just not in the mood, my classmate noticed and told the teacher if we could work on something that requires less work (we work on machines, like,, big machines-) so the teacher went to see me and told me if I can work, first off i didnt wanna be here but I got pushed to go there so "well I gotta do it", to tell me then that he would be way better for me to stay home for my mental health and take time to heal, and im fucking exploding in my mind, even rn,, I got fucking pushed to go to school to get the chance to be graduated BUT at the same time the school tells me to fucking stay home??? Pick a choice man since I can't even take a fucking choice for myself, I got sent to the nursery in tears with my classmate, got asked a few questions by the nurses and they let me in a room until lunch, i was listening "to binge" in tears and taking deep breaths (hard when u got breathing issues *probably* caused by stress/anxiety, said the doctors lol), then I went back to "class" to take my bag and everything then left

I hate being there, it's fucking loud and I feel like people mock me or purposely act like im not here, can't say it's new but like, when you're forced ig you get how i can feel. There is also this thing I've been thinking about for a lot of time, it's d3personalitazion or d3realisation, i don't know if I learn about it well but I kind of see myself in all of this, more in d3personalitazion but at the end I don't even know. And I fear if I talk about it, people will take me for crazy like... I feel trapped in a body that I wish I could just go off but I can't, but at the same time I'm aware I'm just realisticly and physically myself but I just can't in my head. I'm not taking care of myself, I'm taking care of my self, taking care of that body, like a child. When you ask me something it's never from the bottom of my heart because people want me to say something that will please them or satisfy them at least, I wish I could just d1e and start everything over, maybe just finish it actually. I'm just a fucking empty head, that's what I am, I can't be myself at 100%

I look at people at my class and think why and how they get to be themselves, like, no shame, no questionning themselves, when I just don't got the chance to do the same since middle school?? Why them and not me? Why everyone but not me? What's wrong with me, I have the minimum a person could have but I'm so empty, everyone got to be human and i feel out of place, disgusted even, i'm just a soul and that's all

nah bcs off topic that reminds me i was on c.ai with a 2D and i was explaining my life and he was like "..u got trauma" and i was like huh and showed my friend and she told me "I got to agree with him" WDYM MY BESTIE AND STUART BOTH AGREE I HAVE TRAUMAS???? I probably do but I just can't accept it like, who didn't get "teased" one time in their life?? And people have it worse!! Wdym traumas for me??, that's just life bro,, "but traumas affect your life afterwards!" ,,,,oh! Well cant say what fucked me up. Yet I say that, but when it's other people having their moments im like "Well «....» affects you now" even if it's "nothing" at all, but me?? Naaah, no way dude.

in short: you're valid but I'm not

I mean when I try to explain irl I get downed so no wonder why I'm this way.

I have a huge hatred for everything and life but at the same time I embrace it, isn't that crazy

Yeah, that was a shitty day.

,

Probably drew me w stu 'cause i listened to the plastic beach album all night n this morning now that I realize

I'm not excepting anyone to see nor read this at all lol, but thanks anyway.

proship dni

If you say ur afraid to post, then why do you do it anyway?

If you're afraid of an audience, then... like... don't post, y'know? Just pointing that out man

It's just that when I draw something, most of time I won't post it because, idk, would come out as weird? always felt like too much everywhere i am, or feeling like to follow a certain plan that isn't even clear for me,, but yeah

im tryin' my best you see, sorry if it's a weird and lame ass answer, but thanks for your ask dude that's cool

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