Aftercare - Kth

Aftercare - kth

"aftercare": a post-sex necessity, and not one taehyung is usually fond of (or familiar with).

» genre: fluff, drabble

» word count: less than 1k

Aftercare - kth

i let go of the bedsheets crunched under my hands and let my legs fall limp against the bed as my boyfriend rolls over beside me, equally as exhausted.

we rest in a comfortable silence, soaking in each other's presence as we come down from our highs.

"a-are you okay?" he asks almost shyly, causing me to grin and turn my head to face him.

"i feel amazing." i answer him honestly, watching an unfamiliar heat take onto his cheeks.

he nods with a sheepish grin before sitting up. i relax back into the bed, letting my eyes flutter close, feeling terribly sleepy and wanting nothing but to drown myself in his scent as i fall asleep.

he chuckles quietly, pulling some shorts on and walking towards the bathroom, "did i tire you out?" i hum and nod, turning to cuddle the sheets against my body as i desperately search for another source of warmth. "don't fall asleep yet, you should at least let me clean you and dress you up before you fall asleep."

after sighing i sit up with the blankets wrapped around me and pout, "do i have to?”

he grins and walks to me, pulling me out of the bed and into the bathroom where the water was already running in the semi-filled tub.

"yes, you have to. just sit and i'll do everything for you." i look up at him, bewildered at his behavior. i love taehyung dearly, but the “caretaker” role is something he is extremely unfamiliar with. he is unfamiliar with how to express many emotions and to his credit, he's improved a lot over the course of our relationship.

i was hesitant at the start but i believed he was a man of his words, and to say i'm happily surprised is an understatement. truthfully, i'm proud.

instead of bombarding him with my thoughts and possibly overwhelming him, i settle with a thank you and a peck on the cheek before entering the warm tub.

he reaches over to grab my loofa, taking the soap and applying it onto it before activating it with water and washing me with it.

he's almost too gentle in the way he touches me, exactly like he was in bed moments ago.

treating me like a porcelain doll.

he finishes washing my body as best he can with little help from me, i'm too busy zoning in and out. his feathery touches mixed with the warmth of the bath would be enough to put anyone to sleep at an instant.

"do you feel good?" he asks hesitantly.

i open my eyes to see him looking back at me,

"i feel great taehyung, you don't have to keep asking me that."

he looks down timidly before standing up and pulling a towel out of the closet, "stand up for me baby.

i slowly rise from the tub, ignoring his burning gaze on my body for the sake of focusing on not slipping as i step out. he doesn't waste a second, wrapping the towel around to keep me warm as he pats me down.

he stops suddenly, staring at me wordlessly,

"what?" i ask him with a light laugh.

he shrugs, "you're just, really beautiful. i-i know i don't say it a lot but whenever i think about it i just, never can get the words out. there's no right word to describe you.”

i stand there, dripping stoically as i process what he said. as i begin to reply he leaves the bathroom.

"hey wait, you can't just say that and leave!"

i hear him chuckle, stopping in front of our dresser as he starts pulling out clean clothes for us both.

"are shorts and a t-shirt good? or do you want pants?”

i pad my way over to him and wrap my arms around his waist, "that sounds fine, so long as it's one of your shirts.

"are yours not good enough?"

i roll my eyes and pull away from him, just give me something comfy."

he nods and hands me my underwear, pants, and one of his favorite tee-shirts, along with a peck on my head, "anything for my princess."

i shake my head at the sarcastic nickname that has obviously grown on him while we change. i throw myself back into bed, craving sleep and warmth. i reach my hand out to taehyung as he purposefully takes his time in joining me.

"tachyungie~" i whine, "please lay down."

he laughs, "why? i like standing." he stretches, “good for the knees.”

i pout and turn my back to him, "fine, stand the whole night then."

i hear him laugh and after a few moments the bed dips on his side and his arm slides across my waist and he presses his body against mine.

“sorry, you're just so fun to tease.”

i continue to ignore him, causing him to sigh. he then begins to leave little kisses along my head, neck, and shoulders, before surrendering his romantic gestures and going straight to just tickling me.

i laugh and squirm, “o-okay, quit! i-i’m not mad anymore!”

“good, glad you found it in your heart to forgive me.” he stops his attack and pulls me closer, "because i love you."

that wasn't the first time that night i’d heard it, but each time somehow feels more genuine and warm than the last.

"i love you more."

* ੈ✩‧₊˚* ੈ✩‧₊˚* ੈ✩‧₊˚* ੈ✩‧₊˚* ੈ✩‧₊˚* ੈ✩‧₊˚

do y'all prefer reading fics in first person pov "i did this" or second person "you did this" ?? or no preference, i've always wondered so lmk!! thank u for reading, hope u enjoyed and wishing you all a fantastic day <3 - ara

masterlist | taglist

taglist: @marvelahsobx @notbotheredtho @fragmentof-indifference @jwnghyuns @heronstairsxd @isab3lita @shescharlie @kooookie @jeonzll @nickyisityou @laylasbunbunny

Baby do you have a read more link on your writings??

Please don’t think im rude, just purely think it makes reading for others easier and adds more suspense😁

i have a masterlist in my description which is a link to everything ive published, if you're asking if there's more parts to this series, it is updated roughly 1-2 times a week and is also linked in my master list as well as in each post.

hello i'm a new reader and i honestly love Burning Star! if it's okay to ask, will you do a part 2 of this? since jk obviously has made his decision, i'm curious to know oc's after that last talk with her therapist and the effect of that choice to the both of them.

but if you have decided on not doing a part 2, it's most definitely okay! the one-shot itself is already great on its own. <333

ive tossed around doing a part 2 for Burning Star, it's definitely one of my favorites so far. To answer the other part of your comment on what oc does after i somewhat addressed it, that they chose to stay with him despite his issues and they live with the repercussions of that decision, mostly because they blame themselves, and mainly because they love him too much to leave, a cycle many people with loved ones with addicts go through </3.

bts as boyfriends! <3

Namjoon

attracted to your intelligence & creativity

loves late night deep talks

gets shy/nervous easily

wants affection, struggles to admit it

recommends his favorite books

sightseeing, nature, museum dates, wants to explore, learn, & grow with you<3

Seokjin

yeah he's gorgeous but wins you over with his humour, makes you feel forever young. (get it, haha)

best friends with your siblings & parents.

cooks with u !!

loves it when you play video games with him.

dinner dates uwu

gets red easily (doesn't take much).

would be your personal photographer

Yoongi

shy baby! crushed on you for a long time before pursuing you.

very respectful, shows affection in little ways.

love language is probably gift giving & acts of service.

coffee dates, stargazing, just talking and enjoying each other's presence <3

so incredibly easy to love

encourages you to pursue your dreams.

Hoseok

shy in the beginning, quiet but quirky.

extremely supportive of everything you do.

would want to buy you things n dress you like a doll (would def do the matching outfits thing)

movie nights, dancing in the living room, karaoke at the bar.

would smile into the kiss

extremely passionate and committed

Jimin

wasted no time pursuing you.

especially sweet to you, but would still make fun of you.

loves to cuddle, play wrestling, nice dinners, showing you off 💅

every single love language to ever exist embodied in one human.

clingy. cmon now.

loves unconditionally and wholeheartedly

Taehyung

TOUCHY. cant get enough. doesn't matter how or where. especially clingy in the mornings.

quality time and physical affection.

wants to travel the world with you.

dinner dates, karaoke (singing while cooking with you 😫) shopping trips, mingling at clubs.

110% spoils you.

would giggle while kissing you.

Jungkook

everyone knew he liked you because he shares his food with you.

wants to play video games with you (preferably in his lap) just to see you pout when you lose (bc he would NOT let you win)

child-like type of love, food fights in the kitchen, bumping into each other purposefully, playful bickering, little kisses

sings to you and begs you to join him.

movie dates with comfy clothes + fluffy blankets, loves to be little spoon too 😡

so so so incredibly proud of you and reminds you constantly. your #1 fan 4 life.

words of affirmation !

fun fact: this is a revamp of the first ever bts imagine/drabble i wrote 🥺. feel free to add on 🕺 id love to hear what y'all think <3 and as always wishing everyone who sees this a very very fantastic day! - ara :)

masterlist | taglist

taglist: @marvelahsobx @notbotheredtho

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Burning Star - jjk

to care for someone more than they care about themselves is a damned thing to do. even worse, is to stay and love them when you no longer recognize them.

» genre: fluff, angst!! rocker jk! established relationship.

» TW: substance abuse + drugs.

» word count: 5k

Burning Star - jjk

to care for someone more than they care for themselves is a damned thing to do. no sane person does this willingly. some do it for money, greed, taking advantage of a person in such a vulnerable state is facile. mix that with fame and money and you have a recipe for the utmost catastrophe. a burning star type, he’s always been.

it started so fantastically, and i remember it vividly, unlike him. jungkook was the youngest header the band ever had. and when i say this, i am insinuating that he is not the first. he's the third, to be precise.

the first quit stating “artistic differences” and i recall jungkook scrolling through every article of the members disbandment in our little apartment on fifth street. his legs against the wall as his head rested in my lap. muttering on about how stupid he must be to leave such a great band over some disagreements. to which i tried to reason with him that we’ll never know the full picture, and he silently hummed and read on.

“you know i’d kill to be in that band.” he states, eyes glazing over the letters on his screen. i scratch softly at his head and chuckle, “yeah? you think being in a band is something you actually want to do?”

“yeah, definitely. i can't imagine how amazing it would be to base your entire career around creating and sharing music. not to mention being surrounded by like-minded people who want to do the same? that sounds heavenly.”

now this wasn't out of the realm of possibilities for us. jungkook was a music major afterall, and had no solid idea of what he was going to do with that degree, exactly. i was studying journalism at the time and going through the most horrendous burn out possible, so i blame my skepticism on my mental state at the time. “do you really think you'd be able to do it though? i mean you've seen the documentaries and news and i've read the books on musicians. that limelight isn't always as kind and forgiving as you'd like it to be.”

he frowns, “not everything is toxic. some things really are good. and the heat is what makes it fun, anyway.” he grins and rolls over onto his stomach, staring up at me, “and plus, wouldn't you love to be the girlfriend of the handsome lead singer of a band?” he gives a cheeky grin and kisses my hand.

at the time i waived it off as babbling. we all talk about dreams that are farther away than they are obtainable. however as jungkook’s talent grew, as did his fascination with this idea. until one day he came home bouncing off the walls.

“you won't believe me y/n the absolute greatest thing has happened!” he shouts and excitedly runs towards me as soon as i enter our small apartment.

i put my bag down and take my coat off, draping it across a seat in the kitchen as he stares at me with papers in his hand.

“did someone pay the rent for us?” i joke, which he didn't find remotely amusing.

“no, you won't believe who requested me to audition for them.”

my face turns into one of confusion, “audition? i thought you were moving on from that, didn't you say you were going to go into songwriting and producing?”

he quickly shakes his head, “yes! but well, not really. only because opportunities like this are slim and i didn't actually think it'd ever happen to me.” he restlessly speaks, his arms moving frantically around him as if he can't contain his excitement.

“well what is it then? who's asking for you?”

“Vandals Violet.”

it takes a moment for his words to submerge and my jaw slowly drops to the ground in disbelief, “Vandals Violet? is asking you to audition for their band?”

he grabs onto my arms and excitedly nods, “yes! lead singer number 2 didn't work out either!” he laughs, “i've never been so happy to read a headline before.”

“holy shit.” i pull out the chair i had rested my coat on and sit down and jungkook pulls the one in front of me and sits as well.

“i can't believe it y/n. things like this don't happen to me.”

now this was when the reality of the situation began to settle for me. the disturbing truth oozed into my brain that this is unlikely to be a good thing for us.

“a-are they auditioning here? in the city?”

he nods, his chest rising steadily as he tried to control his breathing, “yeah, they're based in our hometown so it should work pretty well.” he grins at me, “it's still a long shot they choose me, but just the notion that they would consider me is, wow.”

my anxiety settles in my heart, picturing jungkook in this lifestyle terrifies me. Violet Vandals is a rock band, and a very committed one at that. they're still rather newish but a local favorite, and they have the perfect recipe to go big, if it weren't for their current issue of not having a front man.

i didn't voice my concerns that day. or any day after, for that matter. i figured life would work itself out. he was still a student after all, and wouldn't be graduated until 5 months later, and they needed someone new and immediately.

so when jungkook eagerly asked me to join him to his audition a few weeks later i agreed. i wanted to be there for him when the realization hit. he’s always been a big dreamer and the truth has never been his friend.

when we got to the record label the hallway was small, cramped, and filled. people were singing in every corner of this floor, some bad, more great. jungkook checked in with a young lady at the front desk and was given a number, 43, before walking back over to me.

“she said number 30 is auditioning now, the rest are waiting. she doesn't know if they'll tell us today or have to call us.” i nod and take his arm, leading him to a quieter side of the hallway but not far enough to where we wouldn't be able to hear them.

“you know this opportunity doesn't define you, right? no matter what, you're absolutely amazing jungkook.”

he smiles half-heartedly and chuckles, “i know it's meant to be reassuring but it sounds like you're not expecting me to get it.”

i shake my head, “i think they're morons if they don't choose you, but there's a lot they'll consider when choosing someone for this role that isn't just talent. if that was the only factor you'd blow everyone out the water.”

he scowls, “okay, and in what category would i not?”

i sigh, “i'm not saying you're bad at anything, you should know how much it annoys me that you're not. what i'm saying is these men are a bunch of thirty somethings with lives that are entirely different from ours. you are probably the youngest guy here, jungkook.”

he nods and exhales, sliding down the wall and sitting, “i know what you're saying y/n. i know this is a long-shot. but i've defied all odds to be able to be here, right? who's to say lady luck isn't still on my shoulder?”

i fake a smile and sit beside him, “you're also right. but i'm telling you, with full honestly and no hidden meaning, that i will love you irregardless and still think you're the most talented person here.”

i lean my head against his shoulder and hear him chuckle, grabbing my hand and placing his head atop mine, “thank you baby.”

I choked back every negative thought and pretended to be the supportive girlfriend when his career started off. it all happened so quickly i don't think any amount of negative feedback would have made a difference, but i didn't give it anyway.

jungkook’s life was swiftly and overwhelmingly taken over. band practice, contracts, deals, networking, business, and me. he was practically flunking school between his lack of time to be present or do any assignments. even to a point where his friends were asking if he was coming back or if he was fully committing to this “rock band thing” and i didn't know myself.

life passed us like we were sitting on a train staring out the window, attempting to grasp onto one tree and losing it just as quickly, and so on. his first tour was a success and he came home exhausted. to put it honestly, he looked like death itself. the cab ride back home was silent, if you don't count my questions that were mostly left unanswered.

i figured i'd be tired too, and i'd give him a day.

then that turned into another, and another, until a band member knocked on our door one day.

i let him inside our home with a grin, having met him a few times before. i was still a writer after all, i knew they didn't trust me. id have to earn it, maybe reminding them i work for a magazine more focused on women than music. no matter.

i left them alone to discuss business matters at jungkook’s request, however this meeting was brief, and after leaving i walked back into the living room to see jungkook on the couch, wallet out and hand in pocket.

“what did he need?” i ask, putting a plate of fruit on the coffee table in front of him.

he shakes his head, “nothing, don't worry about it.” he pauses, putting his wallet away, “i gotta pee.”

i shake off the nerves of the situation, this isn't any weirder than how he’s been acting since he came back anyway. i put on a movie and almost fall asleep until an hour later jungkook pulls me out of my slumber.

“we should dance! dance with me!” he grabs my arms and tugs me onto my feet. “come on! just like we used to when we first moved in, don't you remember?”

i stop my complaining as he excitedly holds onto me, swaying me to the music in the movie.

our home fills with the unfamiliar noise of laughter and kissing until we move into the bedroom.

i believed time would heal all. and my jungkook was finally back. not only after tour, but from the tour. my loving, goofy, affectionate and endearing boyfriend.

he answered all of my questions that night, told me all about the tour, or what he could remember of it. “when your hearts racing that fast, the adrenaline can make you kinda spacey and your memory foggy.” he tells me as he draws circles on my naked hips.

i hum into his neck, “i thought you were going to say you couldn't remember all of it because you drank a lot.”

we laugh and he eases me, “well, that too, but not as much.” he places a kiss atop my head, “i missed you more than anything. i think i underestimated how dependent i am on you.” i glance up at him but he doesn't reciprocate, “performing is exhausting y/n. and it doesn't end there. it was tiring before that, and now it's like i'm done, so i should relax now right? but that's never the case.”

i frown and let my hand ghost up his body to his face, making a mental note that he's thinner than he was before, “do you think they'd let you guys take a break? it's weird that they're not.”

he shakes his head, “why would we?” and chuckles, “this is all we’ve ever wanted. as individuals and as a band. we’re on the rise, we can take a break once we’re settled in the industry, but we’re not right now. we need another album, better than the last, and we need it as soon as possible, before people move onto the next big thing.”

and for the hundredth time i bite my tongue. “i'm gonna go clean myself up.” i tell him, kissing him before i walk into the restroom.

i close the door gently and let out the breath i was holding. if i focus too hard, i feel the lump in the back of my throat. i’m worried.

i can't tell you how many times i reminded myself, he is happy. this is what he’s always wanted. i repeated it so many times you'd believe it was tattooed on my eyelids.

i had no reason to be worried, it's an adjustment period for both of us. it'll pass.

i wash up a bit and throw on an old shirt of his, and as i'm grabbing my brush from the white sink counter i notice what looks like salt or sugar beside it, but much finer and thicker.

i look up to the ceiling, thinking something had fallen, but nothing.

upon closer inspection i notice it in a sporadic line, like someone's tried to blow it away.

my heart drops below my chest and i almost fall over entirely.

it takes me ages to calm myself enough to respond to jungkook, calling out to me and now knocking on the door.

“are you alright? did you fall in?” he asks with a chuckle. a new emotion appeared in that moment. my heart betrayed my ears, and everything ive ever known.

i don't know the man behind the door.

two more knocks and a call of my name before i open it, asking him to come in.

“what is it? you look pale, are you feeling okay?”

i stare in his eyes, and notice how different they are. how easy he's made it for me. how stupid i could have been. how brief his band members visit was, what he shoved in his pocket, what he paid him for, what i mistook as my boyfriend coming back to me, was all clear as day in front of me and he took me for a fucking idiot.

“y/n? you're starting to really worry me.”

i quietly laugh, believing to be actually losing my mind, “i'm worrying you?” he nods, “jungkook, are they doing construction upstairs?”

his brows furrow and he examines the ceiling just as i did, “not that i noticed or have heard.”

i nod, “oh okay. so this isn't dust or anything on the sink?”

his eyes shoot immediately to the area i found, not scanning for a moment. that was when it was confirmed for me. i wasn't jumping to conclusions, my worst fear was confirmed.

my cheeks wet as tears begin to fall and i can't hold back the range of emotions inside of me, mostly disappointment and rage.

“w-what are you talking about?” i laugh. “this stuff?” he motions, bending down, blowing at it and watching it only slightly move, “it probably is dust.”

i nod my head, this isn't my first rodeo, and he knows this. “do you take me for an idiot?”

he stands back up and looks at me worriedly. “no i don't think you're an idiot y/n, let's go back to bed. we’ll team clean tomorrow-”

“give it to me.” i demand, and he pauses. he stares at me cluelessly.

“g-give, what? what are you on about?”

“jungkook i am not fucking doing this with you!” i stomp my foot and yell at him, putting my hand out, “give me the fucking bag. now.”

he stutters and raises his hands in defense, “i-i don't know what you're accusing me of y/n but you're really scaring me.”

i sigh and run my fingers through my hair, pacing the small bathroom before sitting on the closed toilet.

i allow myself a moment of silence. letting my tears run and little sobs, still fighting with the part of me that expects the best from him. “you know jungkook. you know what my brother put his family through.” silence. “you know it ruined his relationship with his family. his wife. his career. and he has nothing now. and he’ll never get any of it back.”

i hear him quietly breathing, leaning down beside me with a hand on my back, “i know, y/n-”

“so why the hell are you doing drugs now? are you that fucking stupid jungkook?” i spat at him, moving off the seat and anxiously pacing, knocking down decorations and clearing the counter, “answer me! what the fuck is wrong with you?!”

he shakes his head rapidly, eyes red and brimming, “n-no i-it's not like that, y/n i love you i wouldn't-”

“stop lying to me!” i shout at him, my back against the cold wall as i push him away weakly. it does nothing. i slide down the wall and curl into a ball. letting everything out, and he doesn't dare speak or touch me.

it takes a while before i can lift my head again. he’s sat on the floor now too, arms crossed behind his head as he breathes, tears rolling as he desperately tries to keep his composure.

“the only way i’ll even entertain he idea of forgiving you, is if you put everything you have in my hands right now jungkook.”

he doesn't move an inch, and i begin to think he likely can't, until his head drops and his eyes open. he takes a few deep breaths before slowly walking into our bedroom.

i wince at the thought. squeezing my eyes shut and banging my head against the wall.

he comes back in cautiously, bending down to my level and sitting on front of me but never looking me in the eyes.

i keep my eyes closed tight, and shakily extend my hand out to him. he stares at it, and i bask in the empty weight of my palm.

until it's filled by the familiar plastic baggy. i close my hand around it and sob more, letting my head fall back onto my arms as i hug myself.

i can faintly hear him too, crying. i am too hurt to pay any attention to him.

we spend what felt like hours there, just like that. as soon as i thought i was done, the emotions comes flooding back and id start all over again.

he refused to leave my side all night, and we both fell asleep on the bathroom floor.

when i woke up that morning, i was in his arms still, a thin blanket wrapped around us, that i think he must have grabbed, and his arm under my head. he was lightly snoring, his face still agitated, puffy and pink. and in that moment i felt every emotion, known and unknown.

i am irrevocably in love with him. i have been for years. this is the single person i picture every moment of my future with, good and bad and everything that may fall in between. there was no doubt in my mind that i'd forgive him. not easily, but we’d work.

i begin to lift myself up but he digs his fingers into my thigh, “please,” he grumbles, clearly just waking up, “don't.”

i stare at him, eyes fluttering and i place a hand on top of his, not bothering to respond.

i look around for the bag he’d given me last night and a flood of distress washing over me when i don't find it.

“up there, on the counter.” he mumbles, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. i rise to my feet and sure enough there it was. i hear him stretching and cracking his bones behind me. “i was going to dump it but i figured you might not trust me if i said i did, so i put it there.”

he was correct, it likely would've enraged me and the unknown would've eaten away at me. “you didn't take any more of if while i was asleep, did you?”

he disappointedly scoffs and shakes his head, “no, god, never.”

i narrow my eyes and drop to my knees beside him, “head up.” i tell him, lifting his chin not so gently to inspect his nose. he fights me, whining and complaining, mostly about how i made him hit his head against the wall. i find no evidence of incrimination and stare at him wordlessly before standing up and walking back over to the bag, opening it, and dumping its contents in the toilet and flushing.

empty bag in hand i walk into the living room, hearing him scramble and mumble behind me. my brain doesn't register any of it and he watches me as i light our fire place and throw the bag in, leaving zero evidence or residue.

my eyes stare at the fire, zoning in and out of it until jungkook shakes me, “baby?” he sits beside me on the table, “can you please say something?”

i breathe, “need to clean the bathroom too.” i rise from the table and head back into the bathroom, grabbing cleaning supplies and paper towels as i get to work. i know jungkook's right behind me, hanging onto every action i do, and it isn't until i've reached every corner of that bathroom that i concede.

“bedroom.” i mumble, passing him quickly and turning the lights on in the room. my eyes quickly spot the jacket he was wearing yesterday, and his unpacked bag in front of the closet.

i pull the laundry basket and begin to work, putting every loose end i could possibly think of to rest as i check every pocket in every jacket, coat, shirt, pants.

i find two phone numbers, gum wrappers, coins, etc, but nothing otherwise incriminating.

as i shove the load into our laundry machine i step back and watch it come to life. i've finished. in my very own mothers footsteps, this routine familiar.

it took three days before i could talk to jungkook. in that time he didn't once leave the house, or my side, for that matter. i noticed signs in him that i saw with my brother, the first time around, that is.

therapy was his idea. he said he’d already set it up, and if they recommended rehab he would do it too. all he needed was me to be there with him.

“i-i’ve explained the situation to them. they think it's best we go together first and work from there.”

“when's the appointment?”

“friday, 4 o'clock.” i nod and the conversation dies. i busy myself with mundane tasks, cleaning corners of the house i'd never touched, and sometimes multiple times a day. late at night he’d wake me up crying, and even getting sick a few times. was it emotions or withdrawal, i don't know. at the time, i didn't care.

that session i was asked a question, “what would it take for you to forgive jungkook, if you could ever?”

i stare at the dancing sun pet in the window, frowning upon this sunny weather during fall. “quit the band.”

he sighs beside me and she asks, “jungkook, is this something you think you can do?”

he covers his mouth with his hand and blows hot air out. ticking his bottom lip between his teeth, “this is all ive ever wanted in life. i can't see letting a rookie mistake like this ruin it for me.”

“all you've ever wanted? jungkook you were high-”

“i know what i did!” he shouts over me, “i know what i did and i know how terrible it was. i take full responsibility. i was stupid i-i thought it'd be a one time thing, i didn't know what i was being given and it wasn't what i thought it was and i'll never be so stupid again.”

i stare at him, the lines between truth and lie blurred in my vision, and i used to be able to read him so well. “if you continue, you tell your band. tell them never to let you have anything ever again. staff and all.”

“okay! done.” he stops me.

“and i'll be with you. all performances and tours, and as much as i can be with you at the studio.”

he pauses, almost like the severity of the pain he’s caused finally sinking in. this is when he begins to understand how deep the repercussions have to be. “what about your work-”

“ive already requested to work from home.”

he looks at me with a hurt and almost offended expression, before sighing. “okay. if that's what you want.”

“it is.” im firm in my demands. not getting what i wanted originally, which was for him to quit entirely and go back to school, but i know if i push too hard i run a higher risk of losing him entirely.

“okay.”

as one would imagine, this doesn't foster a fantastic relationship. jungkook and i spent three months doing it my way and we were constantly fighting.

i became complacent after a while, showing up less, giving him more room to himself. several performances passed and he did amazing. we were slowly mimicking who we were before, and i began to trust him again.

until one particular after party. i ran late working on a story about womens health and didn't get to the venue until 1am.

“oh shit, y/n!” the drummer of the band is the first to greet me, and i'm immediately suspicious, he's definitely not sober. on what? i couldnt tell.

“hi, great show! where's jungkook?”

he grins and sways me around by the arm on my shoulder, “in the green room.” he says, cracking up laughing before fucking off into the bathroom.

i meander around the place and find what was discreetly labeled as “green room.”

and there he was, laughing on the couch with his other mates and some women i didn't know. thankfully, none of which looked to be entertaining him, not for their lack of trying.

“jungkook?” i call out to him, his eyes glaze over to me, and in a split second i can tell he's high.

“oh baby, you're here!” he smiles widely, walking over to me and hugging me tight, “i didn't think you'd be here so late, i figured you fell asleep.”

i pat his back and pull him off of me, “let's go home jungkook.”

he pouts and stands rooted in his spot by the door, “leave? i don't want to.”

i tug on his arm, “we’re going home.”

he laughs, “why? you deserve to unwind, stay and party with me baby.”

“jungkook you're high as fuck and if i leave without you right now i'm leaving you.”

his brows furrow and he looks down at me slowly, “i'm not, doing drugs again. i didn't do anything! i promise.”

i sigh, “jungkook i'm not fucking stupid, you're clearly not sober, now are you coming with me or not?”

“baby,” he coos, wrapping his arms around my shoulders, “you love me, you can't leave. i love you too, we're perfect for each other.” he grins, and the unfamiliarity of the man before me hits again all the same as the first time.

and this time, i relent. i pull him away from me, “i’ll see you at home, jungkook.”

and sure enough come 12 o'clock the next morning he comes in, bags under his eyes and a grin on his face. “did you make bacon?” i don't respond, “i love bacon.”

he finds the room temperature bacon on a paper plate on the counter and grabs two pieces before sitting beside me in the living room, silently eating.

he finishes and examines me, “missed you at the after party.” he says. i cock an eye brow but don't bother to look away from the tv. “it was kind of boring anyway, did you fall asleep?”

“mhm.”

he nods, “okay, i'm gonna go take a shower.” he rises from the couch and kisses my cheek, “love you.”

this pattern continued for two years. he’d be good, i'd catch him, we’d fight. over and over again. and every time, i'd be as ignorant as the last. my hands were tied. there was nothing i could do, it was as if i was the only one that cared about him anymore, including himself. all because i was so passive in the beginning. i knew this wouldn't be as rewarding as it would be damaging, and i ignored it, because he was so in love with the dream of being a star and i was even more in love with him.

that same ignorance is why i now, feel as if i'm partially to blame. my therapist laughs with me every time i say it, knowing as well as i do that the turn of events was unpredictable and likely unstoppable by anyone who cared.

“think of a large, round rock rolling down a hill. that's him.” she told me. “do you think you could stand at the end of the path and stop it from moving?” i sat quietly. “or do you think it would run over you too, if you tried.”

she was right. and i knew that. if i had decided to follow my gut and discourage him from pursuing this career, it would have caused a rift in our relationship even sooner. it was doomed. i had no good options, she's correct, but there will always be a part of me that wishes she wasn't.

“i don't feel as if i'm at the bottom of the hill.” she rests her head comfortably on her hand, “i feel as if i was at the top of it, with the rock, before it fell.”

before he signed the deal. before he dropped out of school. before he released his first album, before his first show outsold, and before he went on tour.

“i feel as if i watched him fall, and did nothing.” my cheek is wet by a single tear. she sits up from her desk across the room and pulls a tissue out, sitting beside me and handing it to me.

“there was nothing you could have done to stop him, y/n.”

and now i waste away in our bedroom. sometimes with him, most times alone. i love him irrevocably, and i stay wishing one day it'll all come to a startling end. that one day he won't walk out the door and onto that stage again. that the fans won't beg him for one more song, and he won't give in. that one day he’ll come back the same man he was at the top of the hill, and i'll be able to pile up the dirt in time, and this time, he won't fall.

* ੈ✩‧₊˚* ੈ✩‧₊˚* ੈ✩‧₊˚* ੈ✩‧₊˚* ੈ✩‧₊˚* ੈ✩‧₊˚

phew :,( thank u for reading!! be sure to lmk ur thoughts n feeling and tune in next week for a new post, as always have a fabulous day! - ara <3

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