Just A Few Things Today. A Wrestling Outfit And Some Nice Arm Progress :)

Just a few things today. A wrestling outfit and some nice arm progress :)

So I got some new toys today :)

Progress? Maybe a little. Struggling to notice myself.

So, this is me. It is 6am and I have just gotten back from only my second gym session in recent times. I don’t look glorious, don’t have perfect lighting, I don’t have a rippling six pack or bulging muscles or ‘movie star’ good looks. I’m short, there are bags under my eyes, I have a spare tyre or two. I haven’t tried to find a flattering angle or worn something that hides those things. But for the first time in years, I am actually starting to be happy with what I see in the mirror. Sure, there are things that I want to change. I am sure that is true of anyone. For years I have suffered with depression, anxiety and a general self loathing that has made it difficult to lead the life I want to lead. In my brain, I was a terrible person who no one would want to spend time with if they got to know me. I had no personality and no positive traits that people would enjoy when they were with me. My solution to this was to never let people get close enough to hurt me. I hid myself away from events that I didn’t want to go to or that would have too many people at and made excuses for the vast majority of invites that I got to go anywhere. I kept myself to safe, familiar activities which I could predict and control. I didn’t really make new friends or begin any of the new things I really wanted to try. I managed to hide everything from those around me. At work, I put on a suit of armour that hid the real me from everyone around me. I hid behind my professional role and allowed myself to be seperate. I didn’t tell family - after all, they all had their own worries. I wouldn’t want to give them something else to be worried about. I barely had any real friends left and those I saw so infrequently that all I had to do was put on an act for a few hours. I had closed myself off to everything I really enjoyed and from people I enjoyed being around. I had created a viscious cycle of loneliness in an attempt to protect myself when the threat was always coming from within. I hated myself and as a result I couldn’t see a reason why anyone else would think any differently.

In the last couple of weeks, I have finally been able to see that the only person rejecting me was me. And so here I am. Rebooting this blog as I reboot my life. As I begin to get back in to things that I enjoy. As I begin to look after my body and try to heal my mind. I would like this to be a record for myself of that journey. A way of being accountable to myself for the steps and the progress that I make as well as encouragment for those times that are difficult. But if anyone reading this identifies, wants to encourage, finds some truths inside of it or is on the same journey, I would be happy to engage with anyone.

Bringing another older singlet out