I Dont Have The Strength To Keep Writing This. To Go On Living With These Feelings Is Painful Beyond

I don’t have the strength to keep writing this. To go on living with these feelings is painful beyond description. Isn’t there someone kind enough to strangle me in my sleep?

Akutagawa Ryūnosuke, “Spinning Gears” from Rasōmon and Seventeen Other Stories

What lives in the sea is not mermaids; what lives in the sea is only waves.

Under the north sea’s cloudy sky, waves here and there bare their teeth, cursing the sky. No-one knows when the curse will expire.

- Nakahara Chūya, “North Sea” from The Poems of Nakahara Chūya

i have so much chuuya fanart that is only done justice by posting individually ughhghh

The moment when Hanako fell in love with Yashiro

Despite the signs that it was a crush at first sight, we know that Yashiro is Hanako's "type" because he makes it clear even as a child.

So we can also assume that he may have just been very physically attracted to her when he first saw her. (Assuming he doesn't remember her from childhood)

Right from the start, as soon as Hanako tries to grant Nene her wishes, he even keeps a certain distance from her before he can actually touch her, when they create a bond with the mermaid. After that, we can see how quickly he starts flirting with her, even though he doesn't touch her that often, the flirting happens here.

Taking into account what Hanako seemed to be taking as a joke, or strongly believing that her flirtations will not yield any real results, he is surprised for the first time here.

When Nene cries when she realizes that the confession wasn't real, he is shocked. Before seeing her cry, he still thinks about making fun of her because he really believes that she hadn't taken it so seriously as to cry.

So he may have thought, "Did she cry over a false confession? Does that mean she wanted it to be real? Did she want me to ask her to be my girlfriend?" Soon after, the first thing Hanako does is show her first real interest, when for the first time he shows real jealousy towards Yashiro. And this is where his hopes and attachment begin.

We slowly follow how much Hanako gets closer and closer physically to her, how much he protects her, and insists on her presence. The flirting has decreased considerably compared to before, but we can see that he is actually closer to her in other ways (physical touch mainly XD)

And then we have the confession, the way Hanako reacted makes it very clear that he was already very attached to her, and was already falling in love.

Later he confesses to her that it made him happy, that is, he really wanted that. He assumed on his own that the confession was romantic, even though she said she only saw him as a friend, it didn't seem to matter to him.

When did things become more intense between them? When Hanako realizes that Yashiro's lifespan is indeed short, he has a new change in behavior. He gets sad thinking about her lifespan and how to get around it, he cares, he worries, something he had never done for a girl before.

And while he was thinking about it, Nene gives him a kiss that completely destabilizes him, it was so unexpected that he barely knew how to act. Hiding his face and remaining silent for a while, yet even after that when he looked her in the eyes to talk, we see his face still red.

And when he leaves, he is there with his hand on the cheek that Yahiro kissed.

Here Hanako was already in love, there seemed to be no more outlet for this feeling that slowly grew inside him. Now he was fighting his own desire to kiss her, to actually be with her.

Despite making some escapes like when he asked her out on a date

He couldn't contain his jealousy, his looks of desire for her, and he always hugs her when he has the opportunity, over and over again, almost as if to suppress all this desire he has has for her in a more subtle way.

And at the current point in the story, we know that he is more than in love with her, he is loving her intensely, to the point where he doesn't mind risking anything for her.

I love the line he says to her, "What's wrong with me?" for not understanding what is happening to him, why does he care so much about her? Because he wants so much to be with her, to hug her, to touch her, and this desire was so intense that he finally kissed her without thinking twice, because it was the strongest desire he was having at that moment.

Especially after not seeing her for so long

It's cute to see him discover what it's like to fall in love for the first time. Such an intense and beautiful feeling, but at the same time painful.

Our little boy is becoming a man.

He tended to come across as arrogant and standoffish, but this was only a forbidding mask to disguise his own vulnerability; he was in fact a fragile and very gentle person.

Dazai Osamu, “On Love and Beauty” from Blue Bamboo and Other Stories