"What Happened?" The Heart Whispered.

"What happened?" The heart whispered.

"Nothing," answered the universe. "I don't know."

On Early Morning and McDonalds

There is something magical about early morning. To me its fresh wind and spurt of color slowly seeping in the sky is like a revival. And it left me awestruck. Sometimes i just sat or stand still, almost like trying to absorb every aspect of the moment and its magic then spreading it to entire cells of my body. Breath life into it.

Throughout my college years, it is a habit to spend the night in McDonalds. First, it was just because we got bored and we felt stuck working on our assignments in dorms. So we were searching for a nearby place where we can get free wifi, electricity and places that opened 24 hour. Why 24 hour? Because when we working on assignments it will take hours. Courtesy to our procrastination skills, difficult subject, lots of reading and journals searching and just writing general.

And why McDonalds? First of all, there's no study place, public library or working space that available 24 hours in this area. Or this country for that matters. And second, we like to eat. You know thinking requires energy and energy comes from foods. Or we just happened to enjoy eat so much.

But later in time, it become a habit to be in McDonalds from afternoon until the morning. Sometimes we do study, group project, just hangout and gossiping and telling stories till we get too sleepy or just because McDonalds held a GoPay Payday. And just like the victim of consumption culture shaped by capitalist economy we are, we rushed there and spend our money (or the electronic one) for hours.

Therefore my magical morning most of the time is spend and experienced in McDonalds or its parking lot to be exact. A little bit ironic isnt it to feel such magical moment in very common building that holds nothing magical in its historic sense apart from its capability to damage our environment by its mode of production and we still very much love its foods. As if we turn blind under a spell, that sounds like what a magic do to me.

I have a habit, everytime life slams me down I running here. Writing out my feelings and let it untangle out of me like letting the toxin out of my body. Maybe here is because i have no audience. Most of the time, I write only for myself. Though right here the sound of my words always came out echoing because of it's absence of witnesses. Sometimes it's liberating, sometimes it's frustrating.

It's hard being honest for myself and even harder to those around me. All this time, i try to make sense of my fear. And always came back fearful. The thing i learn about fear is that even if you know how it came, why it exist in you and how you shall end it, it always goes back around to the feeling of fear itself. It always presents as a never ending cycle. I guess all the time, education, friends and everything did nothing to my process of came out of the state of fear. I always know it's not about a sudden leap of bravery. Being brave and freeing yourself from fear is different although it's always hand in hand, heavily linked to each other. Why i dread the thought of really present myself, my one true self with all my condition into my world? I do know. I dont know. The answer is a blur. Sometimes, i would just hope that someone, anyone would be able to pull me out of the water. Im tired of drowning. Alone. But i know better that it's not going to work that way. But, im tired, im tired, im tired. Tired to be so fearful, tired to have to worry everything, tired to always want everthing i shouldnt, tired to always hide, tired to always thinking the solution, tired to always compete to survive, tired of having no one to talks about this, tired to thinking im facing this alone, tired of wanting to live like them when i know im not born that way, tired of pretending like them, tired of how shameful i am, tired of not fighting back, tired of how i always worry everyone, tired of their expectation of me, tired of my expectation on myself. im tired of being myself. I am.

It's the moment i always thought why people like me be bother and even encourage to dream big, to pursue everything when its easier to live whatever it is thrown my way? People like me dont have that much choices dont we? I dont know why i write this. I dont know.

17 September 2019

Pada pukul 8:56 17 September 2019, sehari setelah ulang tahunku yang ke-21 aku sadar. Tentang mengapa aku tidak akan berkembang disini. Ini memang menarik tetapi aku sendiri pesimis tentang progres positif yang akan dihasilkan negeri ini perihal kejahatan. Atau mungkin sejak awal aku memang melihat kejahatan sebagai sesuatu yang sulit dibenahi. Sehingga aku pun semakin kesini semakin bingung dan acuh. Atau gabungan dari keduanya

Sometimes i just want to be around people. Not necesserily my closed one. Have that party with few persons. Eat good foods, have amazing cake, some drinks, talks, few games, listen some good music or watch some movies. I guess i just need their presence and maybe their auras so i can feel that im alive.

I take it's heat vs nets in the east. Unless celtics become more resilient than what they appear to be, it's a clean path. and yes im forgetting bucks purposely.