Memulai

Memulai

Seperti kata orang-orang itu, awal selalu yang paling susah. Begitu juga dengan memulai.

Sekarang aku ingin berhenti berangan-angan. Berhenti menunda. Aku ingin memulai. Memulai untuk serius. Serius melukis. Serius lari. Serius menulis. Serius belajar. Serius masak. Serius bersyukur. Serius berteman. Aku bisa membuat daftar panjang tentang ini karena banyak hal yang bisa kita lakukan jika kita serius. Serius tidak hanya menjanjikan fokus yang kadang bisa hilang. Serius memberikan determinasi dan niat bahwa semuanya harus dilakukan dengan tuntas. Tapi serius tanpa fokus akan pincang. Karena ketika fokus pergi, distraksi datang silih berganti. Disini fokus memberikan petunjuk ke arah yang tepat. Alih-alih bereksperimen dengan banyak rute yang bisa membuatmu lelah, tersesat, marah dan kemudian menyerah.

Keseriusan sering muncul dimana-mana. Terutama di obrolan sehari-hari. Seperti ibu yang bertanya pada anaknya yang hendak merantau. Seperti sepasang sahabat yang berdiri di sebuah kamar pas di pusat perbelanjaan. Seperti tetangga yang duduk di atas aspal dengan sepotong cerita. Seperti aku yang mendengar harga bawang bombay akhir-akhir ini. Juga seperti kekasih yang tidak ingin saling menyakiti.

Semuanya dimulai dengan sebuah kalimat, “Serius?”

Ditulis 28 Juli 2019

Diselesaikan 29 Maret 2020

I miss walking down this alley. Walking briskily while listened to my current semester playlist. And think that my makeup wasbgood and i felt pretty that day. Or just silently cursing why classes begin so early at 8 in the morning.

There is always something eerie about Justin Vernon's work. He shaped sadness and tragedies and loneliness there is in this world in a very welcoming way. Ever since childhood days, we were often taught that happiness is what we should looked for in this world. Parents happy when their child happy, the child have to be grateful and make their parents happy. But the thing is, the world doesn't works like that. So when we faced with despair, anger, disappointment, and eventually anxiety we left alienated. We are confused. And thought what has gone wrong? What is our fault? Why does the world has to be so cruel? Etc. Because, we were never taught that there are times we are loss, we failed and when that times come we are consumed by sadness and tears as well as blank stares. It is ordinary. It is allowed to feel all those emotions. And it's just going to be a part of who you are and it will be the fragments that hold your life together. It is what makes you, you. Justin Vernon's song welcoming that ambiance. Add beautiful melody and soothing voice and you have it, your magical favorite singer. Truly magical.

"What happened?" The heart whispered.

"Nothing," answered the universe. "I don't know."

There is something seriously wrong about still being up (and very much against my will) at 3 in the morning because you've woken up from your 2 hours of sleep. You thought by sleep early you will get up in the morning unlike these past couple days but the universe is really a bitch because you find yourself woken up just a minute before midnight. And to top it all of you get a freaky headache and it intensify by the way of Kundera's writing in the Unbearable Lightness of Being. You predict you'll get sleep eventually by reading it while Phoebe chanting in the background but the truth couldn't be more far from the expectation because the shit show in my head just get more intense by the minute and i am very much aware that it annoys me. All i want is just get back to sleep again please brain give me a break.

I just realized that i dont really want to work for some companies when i sent email this morning. Imagined how doomed i was to not be able to succumb to the standardized imaginary vision of comfortable success in the life of an average adult. I just really fear the concept of working, search for a job, making CV, compete, this and that. It got worst because its already final year of college. I just cant imagine myself working in office like environment helPpP. So in other words, i actually glad i dont have to do internship this holiday. The more i read Murakami the more i like to be one of his odd characters or just living his laid back life really. I actually dreamed of being a writer back in the days. But hey now im just a rly dysfunctional adults unable to do anything. So do you know that many things in my life always take turns like one day i like chocolate and now i despise that and once i hate sandra bullock and now im watching every one of her movies. Like do you get what i meant? Im afraid that one day i get off from some office and regret it or the other way around because nothing is forever. But this is my life and my mode to making money we are talking about. I cant afford any other financial uncertainties in my life. God somehow i want to dissappear all at once. And reincarnate as a flying bison or water. That would be useful right and easy and dont have to worry about world's injustice and making money and all the shit. I really like long words do i?