Its Crazy How The Night Is Warmer Than The Day

its crazy how the night is warmer than the day

My 2020 goes to two strands of my gray hair, 13 spots of mole, my once bruised spine, my bang, and Tyler Gregory Okonma and his musicality.

over the course of the past 8 months i didnt know i could parallel so much with such a faraway person as i did with knj & myg. of course all human comes from different place and circumstances, but we share a pretty wide range of values. dont get me wrong, i still pretty much carry the rage and skepticism as it is my nature but the fire seems more understandable now. and with understanding comes softer voice and lighter soul. but its not solely comes from that, the last 2 years has been the most challenge ive ever been wih myself. i've been all over the place. high on life, down in hole, dig up grave, lost. listless being covered up in childish manners upon the world. crying and writhing loose out of chokehold. kicking and throwing out love i didnt realize i receive. all mountains of it. just because i think the world hates me. maybe in some way i should try to squeeze maturity through that process.

we all want love. thats a fact. i want all the love that is close, silly, bright, storm, rain cold, hoodie warm, grounded, fractal in all different scale, brown sugar and roasted potatoes, sour and salty, deep blue and all that there is in the world. but mostly i want to be alive enough to not get scared approaching all kinds of love. brave is not absence of fear but if i can swallow life and comes out all branches, twigs, roots and finally breathed myself go. i will be at peace. as peace as i can be in this chaotic world.

so, id like to propose an addition sentence, somewhat alternative footnote to "i live so i love" because its too dismissive of choice, so deterministic. it's like i have no choice but to love because i am a living thing. implying that love is something to fill in the time. well maybe it is... that fills the time. but id rather have some taste of independency in my philosophy because where else will i get that. it goes like this:

"I('ll) live so i('ll) know what love is"

to experience it, first and foremost you must live. breath. lungs. you chose to be alive today. i dont know about tomorrow but i think im alive today. be with yourself. be in crowd. be all over the place. i hope i met love today. i hope when she enters the room i have enough connection. but if i cant get that today. its okay ill wait. ill wait while seeing my own bodies branched long enough to tell winter its okay if my leaves all fallen away. my roots is deep and soil keep me warm at night. bring the snow.

to myself: to make yourself from scratch, away from any mold, you are the architecture of awkward comedic language weighing hard edges manifesto of being. you are the most you i've ever known. just live.

happy birthday my queen, dont sink.

January in photos

id like to think i like strange things one that people sees as odds like that cassava chips with ice cream and abandoned food stalls and bubbles and realize it just details people dont have time to scrutinized details i guess i have time then other than those id like to to think i hate everything like small talks like new jobs like relationship like everyone

i think i maybe love you i dont know you youre a stranger therefore i love you you passed by youre a stranger you opened the window and sigh youre a stranger you talk to your jasmine plants youre a stranger youre so strange youre squished between people in rush hour on 45 minutes commute but you said i live thats how we live thats how life is youre so strange youre doing a work for someone elses degree, torturing your brain but you said i live thats life but youre barely stranger now you barely strange anymore therefore im not in love with you when i put name to things im afraid ill break them because i dont want you to say it reality

be a love that is nameless be love that search loves that never arrives loving in darks gripping shapes foreign face i love you therefore i dont know you

love with every stranger the stranger the better