TWST Boys General HCs!

TWST Boys General HC’s!

Just some HCs for the TWST boys. No real theme to them or anything, and it’s mostly self-indulgent. Some characters will have much more than others, but I made sure everyone has at least one (You can clearly see what my favorite dorm and characters are lol-). Mostly fluff, but I’ll state before the headcanon if it’s angst, or if there’s a trigger warning, in red. Requests are open if anyone wants :) All writing under the cut!

Heartslabyul:  

Riddle Rosehearts - 

Gets very tense about things being dirty because he grew up in a really sterile environment with his mom. Sometimes, he gets worked up over something and cleans to calm down, it’s probably one of his healthier behaviors even if he has to work on not getting tense when it isn’t perfect. 

His favorite sweets are obviously strawberry tarts, but in second place is red velvet cake or cupcakes. He likes the color and thinks it tastes like chocolate. 

He likes trying all of the sweets Trey makes, and sometimes does taste tests like he’s judging them in a bake show. He lines them up, tries each of them, and thinks about what he likes and dislikes about each. 

Also, he got a hedgehog plushie from Trey, and since his overblot, he has slept with it every night as a form of comfort. 

Angst, Trigger Warning for EDs - Yeah, this one is pretty self-explanatory. Considering his devil of an almond mom and how thin he looks, I wouldn’t be surprised if he had one. 

Trey Clover - 

He’s a huge stress baker. He panics about the Prefect and Aduece duo being in trouble and suddenly the fridge is full of various baked goods. 

All of the Heartslabyul first years call him dad, but only a few to his face. Those few are Ace and Deuce, who started it. 

Trey loves trying out new recipes, and he wants to publish his own recipe book one day. 

Cater Diamond - 

Cater loves spicy food, which is canon, but my headcanon is that he makes his own spice blends to use on his food. 

Cater and Trey used to have weekly cooking/baking nights when they were roommates. Cater would cook something, and then Trey would bake something. They’d eat together and watch a movie in their dorm room. 

Angst - I subscribe to the theory that Cater was the housewarden before Riddle. Headcanon that now he thinks that Riddle’s overblot was his fault. Cater wasn’t able to help out his underclassmen when this started, since he was too weak to be able to win, and after he lost Riddle spiraled even harder down the road of a tyrant.

Ace Trapolla - 

Ace genuinely loves the hedgehogs but hates taking care of them because he can’t say no to giving them treats, and then Riddle gets mad. He’s gotten much better at hiding it when he does, though. (Riddle’s just gotten better at not getting mad about) 

He loves reading those really bad romance novels where you have to pause every few pages to figure out what just happened and why. He has a secret account he used to write fanfiction on but stopped after his brother found out and teased him over it. 

Deuce Spade - 

He calls his mom every day at the same time. He does not let anything stop him and Ace likes to stand next to him and make fake moaning sounds to annoy him. 

Angst, trigger warning for recovering addiction - Deuce used to be a delinquent, and so he did some bad stuff. He’s currently recovering from some kind of addiction, although he’s doing much better now. He has weekly meetings with Riddle about it, who uses the knowledge his mother made him learn about it to help him. They bond over not wanting to disappoint their mothers and how they want to get good grades to make them proud, even if it’s healthy for Duece but unhealthy for Riddle. 

Savanaclaw: 

Leona Kingscholar - 

His favorite place to nap is the botanical gardens because it’s warm and sunny, like a cat. 

Back when they were kids, Falena/Farena(Eng. Vs Jap. name) used to braid his hair. They used to put in little beads and things for fun. 

Agnst - When they were kids they were super close, but then Farena and Leona grew apart because Leona didn’t want to ‘hold his brother back’ after getting to know what everyone thought of him. Farena still calls him every week to try and talk, even back when Checka was a baby/toddler. Leona would never admit it but he listens to every voicemail that gets sent. 

Ruggie Bucchi - 

His favorite kind of donuts are the lemon-flavored ones. He likes that they're tangy and not as blindingly sweet. In second place is blueberry, and third is jelly-filled. 

Ruggie had been pushed to babysit Checka for Leona, and they went to a fast food place together. Ruggie taught Checka how to dine and dash. (And then came back with Leona who paid for their meals)

Jack Howl - 

He does a morning run every day and then has a big breakfast. He sees it as the most important meal of the day and never skips it, no matter what. He started doing it with the Prefect so that way he could make sure they were eating well/enough, and now all the first years meet up for breakfast on the weekends. Grim+Prefect bring tuna, Epel brings apple juice or pie, the ADuece Duo brings whatever Trey has left over, Sebek brings some fae dish made with normal ingredients so they can try it, Ortho brings various ingredients and Jack cooks whatever Ortho brings. 

Octavinelle: 

Azul Ashengrotto - 

Angst, Trigger Warning for EDs - Azul has really bad eating disorder tendencies. Like, ‘Well, I had a singular chocolate so now I can’t eat dinner’ bad. He’s working on stopping it, but right now he can’t do much about it. However, the one thing that often works is Jade’s mushroom dishes. Jade started looking for them and told Azul that they were healthy, so now they’re his safe food. Floyd wishes it was anything else at this point, he's so sick of mushrooms, but he'll let Jade cook them for Azul even if Floyd doesn't touch them. 

Jade Leech - 

Jade doesn’t have a favorite mushroom because he feels like if he picks one that makes the others less special. He had one for like a week when he first came to NRC, but felt so guilty he stopped liking it more than the others. (It was Amanita phalloides/the death cap mushroom)

Floyd Leech - 

Floyd thinks really hard about what nicknames to give people. He tries to get something that matches them, and who they are based on what he knows (Ex; Ace is often ‘crabby’, Kalim has a ‘fluffy’ personality like a sea otter, etc.) The exceptions are the Prefect and Riddle, who he just saw and went “Yeah. Shrimpy and Goldfishie. Shrimp posture and red hair. That’s what they are.” He doesn’t give nicknames to Azul and Jade because he believes that they’re both so interesting they could never be categorized as anything but their name. 

Scarabia: 

Kalim Al-Asim - 

Kalim loves jewelry and wearing it. He often gives it as gifts to Jamil, and it’s why he has so many golden accessories all over. Kalim proves the gold, but Jamil is often the one who picks out the design. 

Since Jamil’s overblot, Kalim’s started learning how to do stuff on his own. So far, he can (mostly) clean a window and (kind of) cook! Specifically, he’s learned how to cook pasta and add seasonings to soup. Not the best, but he’s trying. 

Jamil Viper - 

Jamil has so many snake things because of his last name and he hates it just because he's so sick of them at this point. He often trades gifts with Najma, so he ends up with a bunch of star-themed things as well. On his bedframe back home, he’s got little glowing star stickers. 

Pomefiore: 

Vil Schoenheit - 

He used to buy up a bunch of these Neige necklaces that were super breakable, and whenever he got mad, he would throw them at the wall until he calmed down. Then he cleans up and thinks about what happened and how he feels. Although, it’s a surprisingly healthy way of getting his anger out, especially considering the more violent nature of throwing the necklaces.

Rook Hunt - 

Rook has a ‘secret’ fanfiction account that he uses to write fanfics of Vil and Neige, sometimes together as friends and sometimes. Everything is oddly on point and both fandoms hotly debate what it means when he has a certain character bring up an event he never expanded upon and they never mentioned. His fics even have their fics written about them, including his “OCs” who are actually just his other classmates who aren’t as well known. 

Epel Felmeir - 

Epel secretly loves to bake but never did it pre-NRC because it wasn’t “manly enough” of a hobby. Now that Vil’s worried about excess sugar causing breakouts and stuff, though, he does it much more often out of spite. (Ironically, Vil thinks it’s great because Epel’s expressing himself naturally and not trying to conform to being manly or not)

Ignihyde: 

Idia Shroud - 

He likes to play the TWST version of the Sims and Stardew Valley and gets really into modding them. He likes to make characters of all of his favorite people and then talk to them. They’re hyper-realistic to how they act and look too, to the point where it’s either really creepy or romantic depending on how you look at it. 

Ortho Shroud - 

Angst - Ortho likes to listen to music and look at art because they’re the only things that he can’t automatically compute. He can do a math problem in seconds, but he’ll never be able to have the human ability to connect to art on an emotional level, so he consumes as much as he can in hopes of finding a way to experience it. 

Diasonia: 

Malleus Dracona - 

He has a dragon horde, but instead of gold, which he already has a tone of and doesn’t care for, it’s full of grotesques, pictures of gargoyles, and various gifts from his friends and father. He tried to go to sleep on it back when he was little, but nearly crushed some stuff, so Lilia decided to knit him a big blanket to use instead. Later on, Silver and Sebek also pitched in, then the Prefect, and so now Malleus has a horde and a pile of snuggly things to sleep on. 

Lilia Vanrouge - 

He calls the prefect ‘beastie’, which I am unsure of if this is canon or not. It could just be a very popular headcanon I’ve seen. 

I think it’s canon but not explicitly stated so I’ll state it as a headcanon; Lilia was in a polyamorous relationship with both Raverne and Meleanor. I ship it very hard and I need to say it. 

Silver “Vanrouge” - 

My main headcanon is that he listed Lilia as his father on all school documents. Not legal guardian, but father. He did tell Lilia, but Malleus saw and did the same thing afterward. 

Sebek Zigvolt - 

Sebek has a diary that he often writes in, and by often I mean almost every night. Surprisingly, most of it isn’t about Malleus, but rather his everyday life and school. He talks about his friends, and how classes are going, and even occasionally praises his various classmates for small things. It might seem out of character, but it’s just a place for him to vent the feelings that he has that he doesn’t want to talk about to others. 

Ramshackle:

Grim - 

Grim loves tuna, which is canon, but it’s not his actual favorite fish in terms of taste. It’s just that tuna was the only thing that the Prefect ever got for him ever since he first requested it because he was in the mood. The fact that they cared so much to get him his “favorite” after he requested it turned tuna into his favorite. 

RSA+NBC: 

Che’nya - 

Che’nya always makes sure to take really good care of his teeth and is very proud of his smile. He thinks it makes him look adorable, and it does. 

Neige Leblanche - 

Neige loves sewing and knitting, he thinks that it’s so much fun to make cute things. He’s worn them out, and often posts about them online. He doesn’t have enough free time to make his own patterns, but he hopes to be able to get good enough to do so one day. 

Neige likes acting, but he loves singing and dancing. He doesn’t get to do it as often because he mostly acts, but it’s his favorite thing to do. SDC was so much fun for him, he really wanted to get to perform and meet all of the performers from different schools. 

Because Snow White’s voice is so high-pitched, I HC him as a tenor by nature, although he taught himself to sing much higher notes, maybe even those of a normal soprano. (A tenor is the higher, often male voice in most choirs and a soprano is the higher, often female voice- It’s a bad explanation but it basically means he’s got a higher vocal range/voice than some of the other characters when he sings.)

Bittersweet - Neige is just as much of a cinnamon roll offline as he is online. He donates a bunch to charity, and considering his backstory, I think that most of it goes to orphaned or helpless children like him, who don’t have an adult around to take care of them. He hopes to make sure that no children have to go into the workforce young like he did to support the dwarves and himself, even if he knows that it’s not realistic. 

Angst - Neige never wanted to go into acting but had to because he was good at it and he couldn’t find any other well-paying jobs for children, so he could support himself and his seven friends. He loves his job, yes, but sometimes he wishes that he could’ve been a normal teen doing his school’s plays or community theater rather than worrying about having to stay on top of trends and stuff. 

Rollo Flamme - 

Already mentioned this in a previous post, but Rollo is an all-or-nothing kind of guy when it comes to crushes, but it’s a bit more than that. In almost everything, he puts either all of his time and energy into it or he just doesn’t care. Friendships, schoolwork, relationships, even little things like chores, he does it all or he doesn’t do it. 

Other Event/Side Characters: 

Checka Kingscholar - 

Checka loves visiting his uncle, so much so that he spends at least a weekend at NRC a month. It’s his favorite part of the month, and he loves that Leona will give him treats and find some time to play with him. (Leona clears his entire schedule for the weekends Checka comes out even though he’d never admit it) 

Najma Viper - 

I think Kalim has a canonic cousin based on Jasmine, so I HC Najma as being her handmaiden. Kind of like Dalia to Jasmine in the live-action Aladin. 

tokyo debunker: character description in 5 words or less

currently obsessed with this damn game & now im raging cause i can't get pass case 56 + episode 9 is coming out at the end of september ;-; (i haven't unlock ep 7, chapter 11 onwards) but i already read through ep 7 & 8 already online..

STILL FRUSTRATING OKAY PLS

anyways on to the post ::

FROSTHEIM

jin kamurai : depressed with money

tohma ishibashi : loyal secretary who gaslights

kaito fuji : zenitsu's (demon slayer) reincarnation with chifuyu's (tokyo revengers) hair

lucas errant : gullible knight & shining armour

VAGASTROM

alan mido : a boomer (I LOVE HIM BUT IM SORRY)

sho haizono : gordan ramsey

leo kurosagi : sassy twink

JABBERWOCK

haru sagara : zookeeper

ren shiranami : the realest one

towa otanashi : big child who controls weather

SINOSTRA

taiga hoshibami : extreme dementia

romeo lucci : a narcissist

ritsu shinjo : legally blonde

HOTARUBI

subaru kagami : knows too much

zenji kotodama : casper the friendly ghost

haku kusanagi : mr steal your girl

OBSCUARY

edward hart : edward cullen

lyca colt : jacob from twilight

rui mizuki : tamaki (ohshc) but a different font

MONTKRANKEN

yuri isami : narcissistic version of greys anatomy

jiro kirisaki : im alive but im dead ✌🏻

ok thats all i hope yall enjoyed ! i need more tokyo debunker moots pls 🫶🏻

Manhwa AU Playdate Mini Fic

Yuri swung her feet back and forth, looking at the white Mary Jane shoes she had been forced into by her mother. She pouted, looking at the much older woman fretting with the flower vase in their parlor.

“Moooom!” She cried, her hands clutching the lacey ruffles of the sage dress she had on. “I don’t wanna sit down and talk. I wanna go plaaaay! With my friiieeeends!” They whined as Yue shook her head,

“Dear, you’re meeting the Grand Duke’s only child. You couldn’t possibly make her do anything that she doesn’t want, ah…” She moved over to her daughter and clutched her hands in hers, kneeling next to the couch. “This is very important, okay? Lady Yuu is a very powerful young lady, and you must make sure she’s happy at all times. I’m sorry that you have to sit still for so long, but we’ve been practicing this, remember? If you need to fidget…” She asked, smiling as her daughter pouted.

“I just pick up a teacup, I know…” She said, “But what if they want to go play?”

“Then you can go play. Just remember that-” She was cut off by a knock on the door. Quickly straightening, Yue looked over to the door. “Come in.” She called, to which the Grand Duke Crewel and his daughter came in, followed by another child with mostly white hair. She quickly curtsied, to which Yuri copied. “A pleasure to see you, Your Grace.”

He gave a short bow in reply, responding “The pleasure is all mine. It’s nice to finally meet you, Lady Yue, and to see your daughter again.” He beckoned Yuu forth, Yu following behind her, as Yue went to stand near Crewel. Yuu was holding a big book of what seemed to be fables, which she placed down on the table.

“Allow me to give you a tour of the gardens, Your Grace. The children seem to already have a good idea of what they wish to do.” She said, to which Crewel nodded, leaving with her. Meanwhile, Yuri looked at the other two girls. They both sat on the couch across from her, a table of snacks and tea between them.

“I brought this book to read.” Yuu proclaimed, to which Yu nodded in return, giving a smile as a greeting. Yuri nodded too, but then lit up.

“Can we act them out? Like a play?” Yuu narrowed her eyes,

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you read the story, and then Yu and I act out what the characters are doing! It’s more fun with more people, but we can just use my dolls. Oh, and costumes!” Yuu brought out the book, flipping through the chapters. Yu then spoke up,

“I think that sounds like fun.” Yuu, seeming to consider the opinion of her friend, nodded.

“Very well. We shall act out a fairytale.” They said, flipping back to the chapters. “Which one do you want to do? The Ghost Bride, Tropical Turbulence, The White Rabbit Fest?”

“Tsumderland!” Yuri called out, to which Yu nodded, and Yuu looked up at her.

“Okay! We’re going to need costumes, and we need to pick what characters we’re going to be!” She said, putting her hands on her hips. “Let me think… Oh, I know! Yu, you should be…”

——————————————————————————

“Your grounds are quite lovely, Lady Yue,” Crewel said as they walked back towards the room the pair had left the children in. “It has been nice to talk to you as well, but I believe I must get my daughter and go now.” She nodded, opening the door.

“Of course, You Grace. They should be right in here-” She was interrupted by the Grand Duke’s daughter, running up to her father. She was once sitting beside them with a book on the floor and a notepad on her lap, the other two crowded next to her. Yu wore a silky pink gown with a pearl bracelet attempting to be balanced on her head in place of a crown, while Yuri was sporting a gray dress and a likely stolen wooden training sword. Yuu looked up at her father, a serious look in her eyes.

“Papa, we need better costumes!” She said, quickly standing. She rushed over, handing him the notebook. “We have a princess dress, but no tiara! And a knight in a noble lady’s dress; He needs armor, papa! And don’t even get me started on our first play, no one had any ears for the little lion-tsum or horns for the dragon-tsum! It was a disaster, Papa, a disaster!” She cried, sounding more frustrated at the lack of attention to detail than actually sad. He opened the notebook, looking through the list of costumes needed and the notes of sizes that she knew for her friends.

Crewel took a deep breath, “Why don’t you work on refining these designs, and then I can make them? I’ll explain more about how to in the carriage.” He responded, patting her head. “Why don’t you and Yu go get changed back into your clothes for now, and then we’ll take her home?” He asked, to which she nodded. Yu came over, holding two dresses.

“I’ve got them here.” Yuri came behind her and grabbed her shoulders,

“Come on, I’ll show you where you can go change again!” She said laughing, Yuu following close behind them. Yue sighed, as Crewel nodded.

“Truly, these children will be the death of me…”

-Fin-

Basically this fic:

Yuri: I want to perform a play.

Yu+Yuu: That sounds fun.

Yuu, an hour later: This has been a fashion and costuming disaster. My father will hear about this.

This is based on an actual game I used to play with my sisters where we wrote and acted out a “movie” named “Max’s Love”. It was made entirely in our bedrooms and my parent's bathroom for some reason, with nothing but iMovie. It’s since been lost to whoever's phone we made this on being replaced, but I think we made a sequel and had plans for a trilogy. I remember that we had the youngest of us dress up as a boy and play the love interest, and we decided our best “boy clothes” was a shirt with a giant rooster on it. While none of us realized it then, looking back on it was a wonderful bit of irony.

I might end up jumping around with the ages of characters for a bit after this just because writing them as kids is fun but would probably get repetitive after this, but I’ve been hyper-fixating on this AU for a bit now so I doubt I’ll move on for a little while. Yu will probably end up here most of the time because both Yuri and Yuu have very brash personalities as kids, and getting a slightly quieter/calmer kid to be there helps me keep the plot together and not end up with a page worth of children pointlessly arguing. Also, I just like Yu and I want to write about her.

Credits to @twstfanblog for Yuu and thus AU, and @st4rz666 for Yu. As always, leave a comment or ask if you have any questions or anything to add :) (Please leave an ask or question I’m so bored and I want to explain things)

If vampires can eat human food then that means that there’s something about/within blood that they need, which means that they need the blood cells/plasma/platelets/other blood-specific stuff for them to be able to live. However, if they already have/produce blood in lore, that means that they just need more blood, not that they need all of it. As such, in stories where vampires can eat normal food and are shown to have their own blood, they are just immortals with severe anemia, a garlic and silver allergy, and deep religious trauma that get sunburned easily. In this essay I will-

The 1969 Easter Mass Incident

Content Warnings: Religion, food, symbolic cannibalism, symbolic gore, penis mention, Blasphemy, SO MUCH BLASPHEMY, weapons, war mention.  Mind the warnings and your health always comes first. Its a HILARIOUS story, I promise.

As always, all the names have been changed to protect people’s identities.  This is a long one, so Press J now if you want to skip it.

When my dad was a young man and still a practicing catholic, he participated in a small church communion that nearly got him and six other people excommunicated.

Father Patrick ran a small church outside of California Polytechnical and tended to be… rather more liberal in his interpretations of scripture than most of the church was, which made him something of a hit with the local students and liberally-inclined populace.  Pat went to all manner of civil demonstrations, condemned the shit out of the vietnam war and the politics that lead to it and so on.  In January of 1969 a series of incidents lead him to start exploring “nontraditional” means of holding Mass as a means of reaching out to his community and exploring his own faith, which ultimately culminated in the 1969 Easter Mass Incident.

For those of you who weren’t raised catholic, Communion is this ritual where you become one with Jesus by eating a really horrible bland wafer cookie and taking a shot of wine (called hosts), which then *literally* become the flesh and blood of jesus in your mouth, allowing him to become one with you.  It’s big McFucking deal, and you have the opportunity to take communion at every mass.  All this had to be explained to me second-hand because after this and Dad’s 51 days in the army, Dad decided he wouldn’t inflict religion on any children he might have in the future.

*

“Hey dad,” Six-year old me asked the first time he told me this story after my practicing friends were talking about getting wine at church. “Isn’t that cannibalism?”

“We’re getting to that.”  He waved.

*

The First Incident in January when, due to a serious cock-up by the church, all the hosts Father Pat received were moldering and spoiled and probably would have killed someone if he’d actually fed anyone them.  But it was the first mass of the year, when a peak number of people came in after vowing to got to church more for new year’s.  He couldn’t NOT have communion.

“I’ll bake.” offered Maria, the parish secretary and probably the best baker in the county. “So we have hosts.  Jesus will understand.”

Father Patrick, not one to pass up the chance at Maria’s cooking, immediately agreed.

A Host is supposed to be composed solely of unleavened wheat flour and water, which is why they taste terrible.  It’s a theological point of some importance relating to Exodus or something but Maria had an important theological counterpoint: Jesus both divine and loves all his children, ergo, Jesus would neither be a nasty bland cracker nor want his children to suffer as such and so instead, she made Mexican wedding cookies.

They were a SPECTACULAR hit.  Many praises were heaped upon father patrick for the Much Better Wafers and that they’d be sure to show up next week as long as Maria kept making them.  Father Patrick figuring that hey, anything that gets people in the doors is good and really, if it was turning into Jesus once inside the parishioner, did it really matter what the wafers were made of?  So he continued to let Maria bake the Hosts, and encouraged her to try out new flavors, like nutmeg and cinnamon.

This went on swimmingly for a few weeks until The Bishop showed up for a surprise visit the same week Maria decided to experiment with rainbow sprinkles.

Dad remembers hearing the bishop through the windows roaring “THE HOLY BODY OF CHRIST DOES! NOT! CONTAIN! RAINBOW! SPRINKLES!”

The matter went clean up to The Archbishop, who decided that while Pat was probably right to not feed spoiled hosts to his parish, he should attend some remedial classes to remember what Communion was all about, so that if it happened again, he’s come up with a more suitable substitute.

Father Patrick returned in late March, full of spite and some fascinating new ideas.

*

“Is this where the Cannibalism happens?” Six-year-old me asked, eager to get to the good parts.

*

At his remedial classes, the teacher had stressed the importance of transubstantiation, aka “That bit where the wafer and wine, Actually, Literally, become the flesh of Jesus Christ and we expect you to swallow.”  Also on the syllabus was understanding the importance of Christ’s suffering and sacrifice.

“So, I was thinking about Easter Service.”  Said father Patrick one afternoon while dad was doing his computer science homework at the church because his dorm was a barely-standing fire hazard and the library was where you went to have sex.

“Well, we do re-enactments for christmas.  Why not on easter?  Why not re-enact the crucifixion of Christ right here? Make it real for everyone.  Trauma’s great for bonding a community together.”

“Who’s playing Jesus?” asked Maria, always one for a good laugh.

“That’s the thing- A Host, it doesn’t look much like flesh, right?  Doesn’t look like much of anything, really.  Not great for reinforcing one’s belief.

What if, instead, we- and I mean you, Maria, I can’t cook to save my life- make a man-sized loaf of bread, maybe in the shape of a T, and we have some of the boys dress up as romans and whip the bread and we pour the wine on so it’s bleeding and them- then we make a big wooden cross and actually nail the bread to it with, I don’t know, railroad spikes, more wine all over. And we raise the cross, all while telling the story of the crucifixion.”

He paused to take a drink, Maria slowly crumpling onto the floor in horrified laughter and Dad now thoroughly distracted from his homework.

“Then we lower the cross, and invite everyone who wants to take communion up to tear a hunk of Jesus off.  Just descend into his corpse like vultures.  I think that’d really be a good bonding experience for the church.”  he nodded thoughtfully.  “The hard, part, I suppose, will be finding enough romans.”

“I WANNA BE LONGINUS.” bellowed my father, barreling into the room.

And so, the plan was hatched.  Dad hit up every other guy in the Church and eventually rounded up four more romans, three of them from the Education Department of Cal Poly, and one guy from Chemistry, who just liked to watch things burn.

This, being a play, naturally meant that there was a rehearsal, and test Bread jesus.  Maria had decided that if they were going to start being extra-literal, she needed to make the most lifelike Bread jesus possible, and made a distressingly buff and human-proportioned Jesus by Advanced bread-braiding, complete with plaited hair, quail’s-egg-and-raisin eyes, bready muscle groups, and an eight-pack because why not make the lord completely shredded?*  She also made the important theological decision that since Jesus loves everyone and was happy to die in spite of all his suffering, he should be smiling, and had a toothy corn-kernel smile.  He was Wonderful and Terrifying all at once.

“Maria,” asked Father Patrick after a few minutes of delighted and horrified cooing over Jesus’ toothy grin and abdominals. “Why is he wearing a tea-towel?

“Well, he’s the Son of God. A Man.  With all that entails.”  She said, pointedly staring at Father Patrick while everyone stared at the suspiciously lumpy tea-towel.  “And he might have… burnt, slightly.”

Everyone nodded and agreed that the tea-towel was the best course of action.  The rehearsal goes splendidly and everyone agrees that this is the most delicious Jesus they’ve ever had.

*

Easter Sunday arrives and the Church is PACKED, from the more lapsed Catholics showing up for a high holiday, parents visiting for spring break and a whole horde of newcomers who had gotten wind that something was up and they ought to come.

Dad is a lanky as hell 21-year old composed mostly of technical jargon and acne but he is STOKED to be playing Longinus, the roman that speared Jesus on the cross, because he gets to do the BEST technical effect in the whole parade.  Since he came in at the end me missed a good portion of the sermon, but did hear the “oooh” from the crowd as the massive cross was dragged in by the other Romans, followed by horrified gasps and high screams and a discernible “What the FUCK” as they brought in Bread Jesus 2.0, whipping him enthusiastically, and hammering him into the cross, the sound of wine splashing onto the floor loud in the terrified silence of that Parishioners.

Finally Father Patrick gets to the part about Longinus, and Dad comes sprinting down the aisle as hard as he can, because in order for Bread Jesus to be seen by everyone, his middle had to be about 10 feet off the ground, so Dad had to run, shrieking latin curses,  down the length of the church, with a big honking spear and take a flying leap at Jesus in order to spear him in the gut.

Please take moment to imagine you are some normal god-fearing catholic who has decided to visit little bobby or maybe patricia at college and you’re all going to church together like a nice family and this Fucking madman has decided to go all Silence of the Lambs on mass and now there’s some sort of underfed translucently pale man in ill-fitting Roman armor and cape flying at a horrifying glutinous effigy of your lord and savior, with an actual fucking spear, screaming like a madman.  Don’t you feel yourself drawing closer to God already? Defensively, perhaps, like an octopus trying to ooze itself into a crevice against the horrors of the ocean.

However, two things happen that were not planned on

1. Dad misses.  In his defense, Bread Jesus is close to but not quite the size of a man- more like the size of a doughy teenager, and his middle is a small target 10 feet up in the air and dad is has a computer science minor, not an athletics scholarship.  He misses by about 8 inches and instead very solidly stabs Bread Jesus right through the groin, leaving a big hole in Maria’s tea-towel and the spear jutting out at a decidedly… attentive angle, as Bread Jesus’s Bread Dick drops to the floor with a splat.  Nobody notices this, however because

2. In rehearsal, Dad had managed to get the spear right in jesus’s navel but neither Father Patrick nor the other romans could get the wine up there to make his middle appropriately bloodied.  

Maria come up with the Genius solution that since wine is made of grapes and Jam is made of grapes, she could make a jelly-filled Jesus for Dad to stab.  There was a normal-sized test loaf and when dad stabbed it on the table, it had a nicely gooey dribbling effect.

However, this time the loaf was torso-sized, still hot from the oven and upright, so when dad speared the very end of the loaf, all the steam-pressured jam had collected at the bottom and a spray of lukewarm smuckers exploded out from bread jesus, turning the first three pews into a splash zone of symbolic entrails.

There was  a hot, sticky minute of complete silence in the church after that. 

Then, Father Patrick indicated it was time for the cross to be lowered, and continued on with the normal preparations of the Host, he himself covered in hot smuckers, as though nothing particularly ordinary was occuring, quietly kicking the bread-dick under the altar. At the end of it all, Father Patrick and invited everyone up with the Last Oration:

“Thou, O God, has kindly allowed us to have a part in this Holy Sacrifice; for this we give Thee thanks. Accept it now to Thy glory and be ever mindful of our weakness. Amen.”

…And everybody came up, shuffling like terrified zombies, pinching off tiny bits at first but then the madness took them and they began tearing apart bread jesus by the handful, weeping as they partook, scattered prayers and begging for forgiveness.  The whole congregation was kneeling about the altar, tearful and united in their guilt and their need for God.

*

“IS CHURCH ALWAYS LIKE THAT?” six-year-old me asked, absolutely stoked.  I’d convert on the spot if I got a show like that.

“No, it’s normally bland wafers and lots of chanting in latin.”

“Well that’s boring as hell.” I remember muttering and Dad snorting the coffee he was drinking out of his nose.

*

As people filed silently out of the Church to a gloriously sunny California afternoon, faces wan and smeared with wine and jam, Father patrick turned to Maria and asked “You don’t think that was too much, do you?”

“No.”  Said Maria with a sarcastic deadpan so intense it was hard to tell from sincerity.

It was the exact same tone she used when the Archbishop and Six other high clergy showed up, clutching a letter someone had written, Livid and almost foaming at the mouth, demanding to know if such blasphemy had transpired.

“No.  That’s crazy.”  She said, staring down the archbishop like he was an idiot.

“Such imaginations some people have!” Said Father Patrick, much less convincingly.

“And you-  you didn’t…  Spear an effigy of our lord and savior?”  the archbishop demanded of my father.

“Do I look like I can jump that high?”  Dad asked, having in the interim been drafted for 51 days then nearly died of pneumonia from it, and therefore no longer afraid of the Church, the Law or God.

Somewhat relieved that he’d only received the extremely detailed ramblings of a doddering parishioner, the Archbishop sat down and complemented Maria on her most excellent Mexican Wedding Cookies, may he please have another plate for his nerves? Perhaps the ones with sprinkles?

Dad went on to help build the internet, Father Patrick converted to Buddhism and Maria became a Nun.

*For those of you wondering, Jesus was made of Challah.

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(Not the Kiss Au)

*Yuu, sets up the magicam livestream*

Yuu: Hello, today we are doing a lipstick try on an haul. I am Yuu and today this is my assistant Grim.

Grim:Nyahaha!Marvel at our livestream!

Yuu: And these are my other assistants Ace and Deuce

Ace: I was bribed to be here

Deuce: I'll do my best!

Yuu: Ok lets start!

Ace: So we are gonna try on the lipstick too?

Deuce: Hmm, theres a lot. Which one should I try first?

Yuu: Oh no...you guys won't be trying them. I will!

Ace: What are we gonna do then???

Yuu*mischievous smile*

*15 minutes later*

*Grim, Ace, and Deuce covered with kiss marks*

Yuu:*shows a lipstick to the camera* And there we have it. This one is the true Kiss proof, staining lipstick!

Grim: I look ridiculous !

Deuce:*hiding behind his hands blushing*

Ace:*Frozen and staring at the ceiling not believing his luck*

*Door to the dorm opens loudly*

*Sound of rushing footsteps towards the lounge*

Yuu: Oh...Hello dorm leaders...vice dorm leaders...friends...*looks at Octotrio* Acquiantances...Did something happen? Why did you all barge in?