Jungkook Pretending To Make A Goal

jungkook pretending to make a goal 🥺

Bleeding Butterflies Part Fourteen - BTS OT7 Vampire au

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Well its been a while.... hasn't it. I call this chapter the angsty cloud before the storm. 7.6k words and warnings of angst, blood, control, deceit.

“Do you want me to let you go?”

With your arms around him you can feel him stop breathing in shock at your question. The bond he had been holding closed and close to his chest opened with a bang, a burning fire felt through it. You could feel his anger, thinking it was aimed at you, and part of it was, but most of it was cursing the universe for ever putting you in this cruel sadistic position. 

You pull away from him at the feelings he was emitting, scared stiff that he would answer yes, that he would walk away from you without turning back, even if you convinced yourself it was best for you both, that you could live with the pain of being without him if it meant he were free. You hear him find his breath again, it sounded heavy, swarming with every emotion he had tried to stop you seeing. He turns to you slowly, staring at you incredulously. 

“How could you think for even a second that I don’t want to be with you?“ he asks with stunned outrage in his voice. “That’s why I did what I did Y/n, did you think it was easy to be away from you!”

He stops anymore of his rant when your tears brim in your eyes. You look up at him but not in anger, that’s what he was expecting from you, his defiant human matching each shout and yell. Instead your gaze held an apology and he hated seeing it when he didn’t know what it meant. Did you want to end things with him? Had he fucked up so badly that you didn’t want him anymore?

“But I make you sad,” your voice trembles, explaining away his dread, those tears falling as you breathe shakily.

He pulls you in closely, unable to handle his angel crying. The words of disagreement are on the tip of his tongue but you beat him to it.

“I used to make you happy Tae,” you whimper into his chest. “All those memories we have together haunt me because we’ve lost them, I don’t make you happy anymore.”

“I nearly lost you,” he whispers into your hair in explanation, wanting you to understand that fear that seized him, that held him back from returning to those happy memories. It plagued him, worse than any illness.

“But you didn’t,” you refute him. “I’m alive Tae, I’m here.”

“But I’m going to lose you,” he confesses, his own tears falling on his cheeks. You gaze up into his honest open eyes, knowing you were so close to reaching him. “And it terrifies me.”

“Do you really think I don’t understand? I nearly lost you too.” You caress his cheek, wanting to comfort him, wanting him to be okay. “I live with the same fear every day Taehyung, when you went into that war, when you left, every time you all leave the estate, but I don’t let it get in the way of me being with you. We can’t live like this.”

His bottom lip trembles, the tears pouring out of his eyes as he struggles to speak, to say sorry for everything he’s put you through knowingly and unknowingly. 

For you, your happy memories were the ones to mock you, sneering at you that you could never have it again, but for him it was all the moments they nearly lost you. He couldn’t help it, every second of the day all he saw was you slowly decaying, dying in his arms, and he couldn’t take it.

“I’m sorry,” you whisper, wiping every single one of his tears, saying the words he needed to. 

“I’m sorry that I’m human,” you whimper while fisting his shirt. “I’m sorry that I’m weak, I’m sorry you fell in love with someone who is going to leave you.”

You cursed that moment he distanced himself from you, and that stupid rogue that proved all his fears true.

—

As much as you didn’t want to talk about it, there was a giant elephant in the room that needed addressing after your near death experience. You knew they were upset with you, it wasn’t hard to see, you’d probably be the same if the shoe was on your foot, if not worse. 

You find the older four vampires in the library, looking through books, barely glancing your way when you enter, trying to keep their bonds locked between you. You on the other hand try not to let your paranoia get away from you.

“What are you guys doing?” you ask, keeping your voice light. 

“Trying to find something that might help elongate your life,” Seokjin mutters.

“I-”

“You’ve agreed to that at least,” he interrupts whatever you were going to say, eyes penetrating through you with a swell of anger he can’t help, not when he’s kept it buried for so long. He regrets it when you look down guiltily, the smell of petrichor starting to seep out of your body putting them on edge.

Yoongi gives him a seething look, it wasn’t your fault, they discussed this, they had no right to take out their frustrations on you and with the consequences of your emotions they couldn’t risk it. As painful as walking on eggshells was, they had to. As much as they wanted to scream and yell about the situation, it wasn’t going to help or get them anywhere. 

“Actually that’s what I wanted to talk to you about,” you mumble, making them all turn to you in panic, had you changed your mind? Would you really take away the only option you left them with so cruelly like a rug from under them? “I don’t want to spend the rest of my days like this…”

You gesture to them all with their hands holding books, the way they were reading them all so intently before you walked in. 

“I don’t want to fight, or have you guys obsess over something that might not be possible,” you explain, shifting foot from foot. “I know I said you can look for a way to extend my lifespan, so we have more time left but, what if it takes so long that we lose all the time we have? I don’t want to take that for granted, what if there isn’t a way…”

“Light of my life,” Namjoon puts down the book he’s holding, walking over to you to hold your downtrodden face in his hands, reading you better than any book. “You don’t have to worry about that, I promise. We’ve all agreed to balance our time.”

Your eyes water, the smell of petrichor in abundance through the room making them all stand with the high prince, surrounding you with worry. You had to be happy, as much as the way things were hurt them, they had to make sure through it all you were kept ignorant and happy. 

“I-I know what I said w-was cruel,” you close your eyes as the tears fall, your face scrunching in pain as you force the words out. “And I’m sorry, but I-I…”

You wanted to explain yourself, you wanted them to understand, to not hate you for the choices you were making but in truth you couldn’t understand it yourself. 

“I’m not doing this to hurt you,” you confess the only thing you could make sense of, opening your eyes, earnestly looking at them all to show your sincerity. Hurting them was the last thing you ever wanted, but it was the consequence of your decisions. 

“We know sweetheart,” Hoseok forces a reassuring smile, trying to keep the sorrow out of his eyes, wishing he could tell you everything. “It’s okay.”

“She needs to leave before she sees what some of us are really working on,” Jin mumbles in decibels you can’t hear, hoping you didn't notice his lips moving slightly, trying not to glance back at the open book he left on the desk about the forbidden ‘I’ word. 

“Precious, you haven’t eaten,” Yoongi holds out his hand for you, not missing the way Jin looked dejected, but it was going to take him a little bit of time to vent through his anger before he would return to normal with you. Even you glanced at the vampire momentarily, remembering all the times he would try to get you to eat, the way he would look after you. The way all of them tried to look after you.

“Are you sure you guys don’t want any help with what you’re working on?” you ask instead. “I know it's not an ideal way to spend time together but it's something at least.”

Hoseok has to bite his tongue to restrain himself from yelling ‘NO’ dramatically, knowing it would arouse suspicion, but he feels the gears of panic turn when you walk towards one of their research stations.

“Food first,” Yoongi declares, taking your hand in his and pulling you out and away from their deceit. 

“That was close,” Jin says when you’re out of ear shot, releasing a breath of relief. 

“I think we’re going to have to keep a closer eye on sweetheart,” Hoseok suggests, one of them was going to have to be with you constantly to make sure you didn’t stumble on their real work. 

—

Nostalgia was infectious, but instead of letting it make you sad you were determined to rebuild those memories, no matter how long it took, or how long you had left. Like this moment for example, sitting on the kitchen counter while someone scattered around the kitchen making you food. The Sun in your memories mocked you, now hiding behind the grey clouds, the colour seeping its way into the room, surrounding you where rays of light once did. 

To think, a younger version of you tried to escape a hundred times from their safety, or of the amount of tears you shed, the amount of heartbreak you were still reeling from, and yet, there was nowhere else you would rather be. You were grateful for every moment, every hardship, because it was all a consequence of being their love. 

Yoongi barely paid you any attention as he worked through the cupboards and the fridge whipping something as fast as he could. His mind was elsewhere, where their research was taking them, and the urge to return to it was pulling him. When he was with you he had to think of all the things he was trying to avoid in his brain, with his head in a book he didn’t have to think of anything other than finding a way for you to live. This was the hole that Taehyung had found himself fallen in and Yoongi was about to succumb to the dark of it before your voice pulled him out.

“Thank you,” you break the silence with sincerity, but he hadn’t handed you any food yet.

“For what?” he frowns, chopping the vegetables on the island, his back to you.

“Thank you for finding me first,” you say, making him turn to you in surprise.

“What?” his jaw drops, the muscles in his face slack from shock.

“My existence was cursed from the second I turned 18,” you chuckle but there were tears forming in your eyes. “I hate to think how bad it could’ve been if you hadn't found me first.”

Though your gratitude was sincere to Yoongi’s ears it sounded like you had accepted defeat, like your life was flashing before your eyes.. He was torn between the sorrow he felt watching you so vulnerable and the anger that something was prohibiting you from fighting for your own happiness. He knew you felt happy with them, he could feel it himself, he knew in his undead heart, you belonged with them, forever and eternally.

He leaves the knife and the half cut produce on the chopping board, wiping his hands on the cloth before he approaches you. To Yoongi, it didn’t matter that the Sun was absent from the sky today, there was a reason why Namjoon referred to you as the light of their lives, who needed the stupid yellow ball so distant in space when you were right here beside them. His hands hold the side of your thighs, making you look up from your knees into his eyes. His thumb rubs small circles over your jeans, the pair of you trying to smile. 

“Of course I found you first,” he tries to sound cocky, to lighten the atmosphere, to make it like it was before. “You’re meant to be with us.”

He says those words with the conviction of his soul, he believes it completely. He didn’t realise how much he missed the sound of your laughter until you tease him with it, a slight giggle leaving your lips. 

“You mean like destiny?” you question, making fun of him. “You sound like Joonie.”

There was that shy gummy smile that made your heart swell, when was the last time you saw it?

—

Jungkook walks into what he thinks is the most domestic thing in all his almost 200 years of life. Almost like a scene from the past, haunting him like an illusion. You were still on the counter eating whatever Yoongi prepared, the vampire standing close as you both smiled softly at each other sharing the moment. 

“Am I interrupting?” Jungkook grins despite the heavy feeling in his chest wanting to bring the corner of his lips down.

“No.” 

“Yes,” Yoongi responds gruffly. 

How can such a beautiful smile stab him so hard in his gut? You laugh at the vampire’s grumpy antics, the carefree look on your face filled with love he yearned to see for such a long time. There was a pang of jealousy at the scene, a tug that wanted him to be a part of it without breaking the moment, but he was so afraid to. 

“What did you want?” Yoongi grumbles, turning back to you.

“I wanted to see Princess,” he says smiling before mumbling low so you couldn’t hear, “Hyung’s asking if you’re ready to leave.”

There’s a pause as Yoongi’s thumb stills for a millisecond while caressing your cheek, the hesitation so quick you thankfully don’t notice. He can’t hide the intensity of his eyes that grows at the prospect of having to leave you when all he wanted was to stay in this moment, in this little bubble where he could pretend everything was okay. How the hell did Taehyung do it?

You glance away bashfully at the depth of his stare, feeling it penetrate down to your chest in a way that has it beating so hard you’re sure he can hear it. There’s a soft grin on his face you can see in your peripherals, glancing at him swiftly to confirm it was there before staring intently at the bowl in your lap. You suddenly didn’t feel that hungry any more, your stomach was twisting in a way it hadn’t for so long. Even after all this time they still made you flustered so easily, playing havoc with your heart.

When your eyes are no longer on him he nods for Jungkook’s benefit, his hand still holding your face, making you look up at him again. He knows why Taehyung left, the universe was threatening to take this away from them, they would do anything to stop it, whatever the cost. He didn’t know how long he would be away, but he was determined not to return empty handed. 

“Stop playing with your food,” Yoongi says softly before turning to Jungkook. “Are you going to stand at the door or are you going to make yourself useful?”

The vampire stutters in surprise, looking like a deer in headlights before he composes himself. He can’t help gulp as he enters the threshold, feeling like a single step could shatter the mirage in front of him. You, however, see through Yoongi’s blunt tone, knowing it was his own way of inviting the youngest into the moment. 

“You can do the dishes,” he commands, Jungkook nodding obediently without a word.

“Yoongi, I can do them,” you whine, feeling bad for the maknae, moving the older vampire’s hands from your cheek as you try to move off the counter to help. Firm hands on your hips hold you in place, a stern warning stare making you quiet. As if he was going to let you lift a finger after nearly losing you. As stubborn as you thought you could be, Yoongi could be so much worse when pushed, and even you knew you’d lose the fight here, which brought him to his next dilemma. 

He didn’t know when he would be back or how much energy he was going to need, and the last time he fed from you was… a while ago. He detests himself a little, loathing the fact he would hurt you to sustain himself, the magic and lure of your blood’s potency gone. He still craved it, still longed for a bite, but not at the cost of your health.

“Yoongi?” You bring him back from the spiral of his guilt and hunger, hands on his arms, soothingly rubbing gently to coax him back to you. “What’s wrong?”

It felt like such a stupid question to ask with everything that had been going on, but you could see his eyes cloud over, his thoughts taking him away from you.

He sighs, the disgust of his dilemma feeling like bile in his throat.

“Precious,” he hesitates, watching the worry grow on your features, knowing he needed to stop it in its tracks. “I need a drop.”

It comes out like a mumble but you hear him perfectly, a little taken back, expecting the worst but something so trivial was in its place. You laugh a little, wondering why he was so shy and awkward about something that was the norm. It doesn’t even reach your mind that your previous disposition would haunt them the way it did, you couldn’t see the consequences yet not with your hope to return to the way things were. 

“Of course,” you smile reassuringly, bringing your wrist up to his lips but he pushes it away, his head hanging low. Maybe he wanted it from the neck? 

“Just a drop precious,” he reiterates, taking your forefinger to his lips, kissing the skin there first. 

He looks so tormented when he puts the digit in his mouth, the incisor piercing the flesh before his tongue laps up the blood quickly. One swipe of his tongue and he removes himself, darting across the kitchen in a flash before he’s back. Your frown only grows when you see him place the plaster over the smallest cut, intently focused on his task as if it were life saving surgery. 

You know he said just a drop but never before had they meant it so literally, it was something they told themselves, but they always took more, you knew that and you never minded. 

“Yoongi you can take more,” you encourage him but he shakes his head.

You don’t notice Jungkook clutching the sink to the point it was about to form a hand shaped dent, the pair of Vampires struggling internally when the sweet smell of the blood fruit encompassed the room. How long had it been? Well before your birthday surely, before the world as they knew it turned on its head. Yoongi can still feel the lingering taste in his mouth, he doesn’t know how he stopped himself taking a little more, but the image of you near death on your bed was enough to control him.

He doesn’t answer you, the corner of his mouth trying to rise in a reassuring smile but it doesn't reach his nose let alone his eyes. 

His eyes are dead, the irises hollow, unable to hold the mask of a soul in place, and all you could do was stare dumbfounded. His hand cups the back of your head, pushing you towards him as he kisses your temple, lingering there in an unspoken goodbye you didn’t hear, hiding his expression from you. 

“Eat the rest of your food,” he mumbles against your skin, unable to meet your gaze as he swiftly makes his exit. 

In a blink he was gone, leaving you more muddled than before. You swallow before you breathe again, not realising you were holding it. You were so naive to think things could return to the way they were so easily. No, not naive, you were desperate for it. So desperate you would pretend everything was fine, if you could convince yourself, you could make them believe it too.

It's quiet between you both now Yoongi left the room, Jungkook washing the dishes of your lunch quickly now your finger was bandaged, not glancing your way even though you were staring a hole into the side of his face. Even through all of the trials and tribulations of your relationship, he still managed to look so soft, nothing like what he did when you first met. You don’t know why you were thinking of the past but you couldn’t help it. 

He hears a soft breath of laughter escape your lips, his eyes flickering in your direction to find you smiling, shaking your head.

“What’s so funny, beautiful?” he asks, wiping his hands on the kitchen towel before coming to stand beside you, a hand on your thigh as he finally looks at you, curiosity winning against his reservations. 

“You,” you state matter of factly, grinning when he frowns.

“Me?” he asks, feeling perplexed, he doesn’t remember doing anything to make you laugh, but whatever it was he would do it again if it made you smile like this. 

“The fact I thought you were this scary spiteful mean vampire, and you turned out to be the softest bunny I’ve ever met.”

His eyebrows rise in surprise making you laugh louder, how on earth did you think Jungkook was the scariest of them? He bites the corner of his lips to stop himself laughing with you, trying to control his expression but his eyes crinkle in amusement. 

“A bunny?” He tries to sound offended.

“The softest bunny,” you correct him, still grinning widely. 

“I guess I still haven’t apologised for my behaviour back then,” he says sheepishly, scratching the back of his head. Those words sober you, the look in your eyes changes and it has him mirroring the sombreity. He looks up at you with the widest doe eyes, as if his world was about to collapse in front of him at any moment and he was begging it not to. 

You struggle to smile, the edge of your mouth rising before it falters. He watches your hand reach him, your fingers caressing his cheek bone with a sad fondness. He holds your palm against his cheek, smelling your sweet scent before the fragrance of petrichor begins to cloud it. He never used to hate that smell, but now he knew the consequence of it, he couldn’t help despise it. 

“I don’t want you to apologise,” you say to him softly. “I don’t regret a second of it.”

Almost like a movie reflecting in each of your eyes, you both remember the turning point of your relationship. That night he almost died, you would never regret your actions. Even then, even though he was almost a stranger you remember the overwhelming sense to help him, to save him, and you were so glad you did. 

“You were the reason I stopped acting like a… how did you put it…” you ponder for a moment as the words come back to you, “an ungrateful brat.”

It takes him a second to place those words in his memories, the scene coming back to him as he remembers they came from his own lips.

“You heard me?” 

“You weren’t exactly quiet,” you scoff with amusement before guilt floods his eyes.

“Princess I’m so sorry,” he breathes, grabbing ahold of your hands so you believe him. “I was just-”

“Kookie it's fine,” you squeeze his hands, the gesture cementing your words. “I told you, I don’t regret any of it, even if you did hate me when we first met.”

You don’t realise your lips purse at the memory of his stern stare, knowing you weren’t exactly fond of him either back then but did he have to be so intense about his dislike?

“I didn’t hate you,” Jungkook chuckles, kissing your pout away. “You were a nuisance though, I admit.”

He laughs harder when your jaw drops at the playful insult, stealing your lips quickly before you could respond, melting away whatever it was you were going to say with his kisses. You changed his world the second you stepped foot in it, he didn’t know how to react to you until you took his life into your own hands. How does he tell you that's where it's been ever since that night?

—

If they weren’t vampires, the way Namjoon slams the book after reading something he didn’t like against the desk would’ve made them jump in surprise. The wood cracks down the middle, on the brink of breaking but still holding itself together.

“What?” Hoseok dares to ask in a breath, his face the picture of heart break, he tells himself he can bear it, whatever it was that made Namjoon look like the tempest about to tear the world apart.

“All this time I thought the laws of the blood fruit were for its survival, but she doesn’t work like the rest of the universe, she was made to die,” the highest prince rants, his eyes burning into the book that dared tell him everything he believed was a lie. 

Both Jin and Hobi watch their brother with pitying caution, silent to his words.

“Everything she is is to ensure her death! How could I have been so stupid not to see it?” He yells, his hand running through his hair as if he were about to rip the strands out. “And the witches knew it the whole time.”

His voice turns deadly but solemn, staring daggers at the black book that mocked him, the one he took from the sisters the night before. A peace offering on their side, but he could see what it really was, they were begging for their lives. 

“Namjoon everything you thought was a theory. We were all wrong, every supernatural being, centuries of us,” Jin tries to bring the lead vampire down from his cascading outburst, the fire raging into an inferno in his eyes, they only hoped he could still hold the bond between you closed. 

“What did you read?” Hoseok asks quietly, his eyes on the book too as if it held unseen powers to destroy them. 

“I need to see the witches,” Namjoon states instead of answering, “tonight.”

—

“Did it hurt?” You ask him in greeting, catching him off guard as he approaches you as you gaze out of the balcony, arms crossed on the wooden railings, staring at the grey cover of clouds that dimmed the world around them. 

“Did what hurt?” 

Pain was surrounding them in abundance recently, he thinks to himself, you would have to be more specific. 

“When you fell?” Your tone is so seriously contemplative, he stands there in shock before breaking out into laughter.

“From heaven butterfly?” He laughs, standing beside you, mirroring your position, his arms touching yours. It was odd how comforting even the lightest physical connection between you could be for both of you. “You’re the Angel, you tell us.”

“No!” You laugh back realising why he was confused. “When I first came here desperate to leave, I jumped off the balcony.”

There’s a twinkle in your eye of mischief and humour as it clouds with reminiscence as you look at him.

“You jumped off after me and caught me,” you sound almost as if you’re in a trance, as if you could see it all again in front of you. “You broke my fall, I remember you holding me so close against you…”

Jimin remembers it too, the way you looked up at him in shock at your own actions as he tried to mask his pain of hitting the concrete hard. He’ll never forget the second your hands gripped onto him tighter in a lapse of fear before you pushed him away, returning to that stubborn human they all came to love.

“I remember feeling… safe,” you say airily before snapping out of it and repeating the original question. “Did it hurt?”

He smiles gently, taking a strand of your hair and playing with it softly before lying.

“No butterfly, it didn’t hurt.”

—

“You still haven’t… eaten,” you want to cringe at the word but you couldn’t think of a better way to put it. 

“I’m not… hungry,” he smirks at least, a little, glancing at you momentarily telling you it was okay with his eyes before returning to his book. He flicks the page as you walk towards him, the cautious anticipation simmering in your stomach like deja vu. You remember this was how you felt at the start, sitting under the tree with him that first time. It was like you both regressed back to the beginning of your relationship, scared for some reason, as if you expected him to reject you even after everything. 

“Tae take a little,” you push softly, you knew it hadn’t been that long since he last fed but all the days without him lulled into one long timeless void. You needed that contact with him again, something to soothe the ache of a taunt bond, to reassure it that there was no threat of it breaking.

He sighs, putting down the book and casting it aside before addressing you. He doesn’t meet your gaze, instead his eyes are on the space beside you, his head low as if you were too bright to look at, like it would hurt if he did. 

“How can I feed from you when you-” he can’t complete his sentence. He looks down at the desk, schooling his features as he stops himself from breaking down again. It had been happening repeatedly throughout the day after your last conversation, and he didn’t want it to happen in front of you. He swallows down the pressure building in his throat.

“Just a drop,” you say in a small voice, scared of pushing him over the edge, scared your relationship with him was in such tatters that you no longer had the right to ask him to feed. 

“I can’t, angel,” he shakes his head, his eyes closing momentarily. He was holding himself back, you could see it, but you could also feel him tugging and pulling desperately at the bond, calling for you in a way he couldn’t admit. 

But there are a thousand words you’re also holding back behind closed teeth, a thousand worries you were trying not to let through for him to see. You missed him so much, but even with his presence he seemed so far away. The distance you thought you had conquered only grew in different ways. 

You both handed each other your hearts on silver plates, and both of you hurt the other in ways that would take time to heal, time you didn’t have. So where did that leave you? Confessions on the tips of your tongues but no courage to push the words out? 

“Tae,” you sigh, gathering the strength to say what you needed. “Do you think you’ll ever forgive me?”

How do you always manage to break his heart even when it was already so shattered? It wasn’t your fault, he knows that, but you didn’t.

“Have you forgiven me?” he asks quietly, head still low but his eyes glance your way for a moment. 

“I don’t know,” you confess honestly in a whisper, eyes stinging. “I just want us to go back to before. Don’t you want that too?”

Before, it didn’t need to be specified, you both knew what you meant. If you had the power to, you would turn back time and never leave their side that dreaded night. You would never let Taehyung realise how fragile your mortality was to the point where it took him away from you. You would let yourselves live in the ignorant dream unaware of the truth but you would be happy. They would be happy.

“I don’t want to lose you,” he only manages to breathe the words he's said a thousand times, the volume of his voice held down by the sob strangling his throat as it tries to break out. 

His eyes beg you, brimmed with unshed tears, knowing you held no power over what was happening to you but he had no one else to ask.

You’re frozen in front of him, seeing every wall he had built around himself since that night of Jimin’s birthday come crashing down to reveal a scared little boy in love, and you wanted nothing more to hold him, to tell him it would be okay, but those words would be lies, and it was far too late for that. It was time to grow up.

“You’re going to.”

You hit him with the harsh truth, grounding your own emotions. There was no point of denying the bitter taste of what fate had in store for you, you couldn’t comfort him, you couldn’t give him what he wanted. What he wanted was out of everyone’s control, the sooner you all accepted that the better. 

“You’re going to lose me one day Taehyung and I am so sorry,” despite the hard determined stare of your eyes they watered, your jaw clenched to hold yourself together. “It’s the way the universe works for everyone, we’re not immune to it, we’re just aware of it. And it sucks Tae, I hate it, I hate that its hurting you, but-”

You inhale sharply, pulling yourself together as fresh tears drop down your cheek. He was mourning you like you were already dead, and no matter what you knew you couldn’t pull him out, not when he was wallowing in it.

“It's your choice Taehyung,” as his walls turned to rubble you felt yours build in a way that turned you cold. “You can lose me while I’m still alive, or you can lose me when I’m dead, those are the only options, it’s your choice.”

You walk away and force yourself not to look back, closing the bond between you completely shut so he couldn’t feel the way your own words broke you, and like the coward you were, so you couldn’t feel what impact they had on him 

—

“We need our own fail safe against hers,” Namjoon says solemnly as he buttons the coat. “If she ever finds out what we’re up to we have to ensure she doesn’t hurt herself.”

“What do you suggest?” Jin asks, eyeing the prince with crossed arms, an ear out listening for your movements even though he knew you were sound asleep in your room.

“You’re not gonna like it,” he informs them as he fixes the scarf around his neck, the stare he gives them speaking volumes. 

“What if we made her realise it?” Jungkook suggests his gaze on the ground, looking through it as if he could see hell under it. “She doesn’t know about Chaos, what if we told her about it?”

His older brothers stare at him silently, contemplating whether their youngest was naive or just hopelessly loyal to you and your feelings. 

“We don’t know what the consequences of that are going to be Jungkook,” Jin says, his tone slightly scolding though he tries to hold it back. They were all becoming impatient, but the lease on your life didn’t allow for mistakes. 

“Tell Hoseok to get back before she wakes up.” Namjoon doesn’t even acknowledge the maknae’s words, directing his command to Jin before he leaves the pair himself. 

“Where did Hobi hyung go?” Jungkook asks, trying to quell down the hurt from both his hyungs dismissing him. 

“He’s chasing another lead,” Seokjin replies, not an ounce of emotion or hope in his voice. “He’s trying to find a centaur.”

“Another lead,” a voice repeats from the shadows before he could elaborate. 

Both vampires turn to see Jimin with his arms crossed leaning against the wall. His piercing eyes said more than his tone, he had lost hope. No evidence of his previous laughter with you earlier could be seen, here, where your eyes couldn’t reach him, he didn’t have to pretend he had any hope left. 

“We’re not losing her,” Jin almost growls, reading the younger’s face clearly. 

“Us and what power Hyung?” Jimin scoffs humorlessly, “we’re vampires, even with the blood fruit we’re no match for this cosmic bitch who put this power or fucking failsafe inside of her.”

Jungkook visibly flinches, Jimin wasn’t one to swear so viciously. Neither of them miss the way he didn’t refer to you as butterfly, as if he was already dissociating himself from you, as if that would save him from the pain. Jimin wasn’t one to give up, his brothers stare at him in stupor. He was the last one they expected to be like this, but the toll of watching you nearly die twice in one lifetime knocked him to the ground. He couldn’t do it a third time, he wouldn’t survive. 

“Not that it matters,” he says quietly, “we’ll have nothing to live for when she goes, but we’ll have the rest of our miserable existence to hunt down whoever did this to her, or we die trying.”

—

Whispers, they were trying to wake you but you couldn’t make out the words. They sound more like a hum in the air, but you could swear there was a voice behind it, frowning in your sleep as you try to decipher the message. You see their faces in your dreams, but rather than the overwhelming love you’re used to feeling something else entirely grips your chest. An uneasy distrust, a paranoia travelling under your skin until it prickled. It doesn’t take you long to realise the sound is coming from something within you, unfamiliar but present in your mind, until the words blared like a scream.

WAKE UP- 

You jolt upright, sweat pouring out of your skin as anxiety made your heart race so fast it split in half, a part dropping to your stomach and half lodged in your throat. The alarm was pounding low through your veins, warning you something wasn’t right. You could feel the hands of something wrap around your neck, warning you, to sort it out otherwise it would.

You quell the panic that tried to make its way through the bond, shutting them off completely even though they asked you not to, to save your strength. You could hear nothing but you felt the whispering again, losing the ability to translate the words but somehow you understood. 

Something was wrong.

“Sweetheart, are you okay?” Hoseok’s silhouette looms at the barrier of the doorway, and for a second his shadow strikes fear into your bones. He switches on the light before stepping into the room, a smile on his face that didn’t reach his eyes no matter how hard he tried to plaster it there. Another expedition, another failure. “Your heart’s racing.”

He frowns at your retreating figure as you unconsciously tried to make yourself smaller before realising what you were doing. This was Hobi, he wouldn’t hurt you, you loved him, so why were you so on edge? You shake away the embrace of dread, trying to calm yourself, it was just a weird dream, that was all. 

“Nightmare?” he asks tentatively, sitting beside you but not reaching out to touch you just yet. 

You nod in reply, unable to trust the sound of your voice until you got a hold of yourself. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” But you’re shaking your head before he even finishes the question. 

Something was wrong with his presence, something lingering in the air between you both where it shouldn’t. Doubt, it seeped its way into your mind as you studied him. It was almost as if he was forcing himself to be here, to be with you… and it eerily gave you de ja vu to earlier in the day, when Yoongi took you to the kitchen to eat, you had just been so wrapped up in your own trip down memory lane to realise it until now. You hadn’t seen him since, and something told you he wasn’t in the library where you suspected the others were. Something also told you, Hobi wasn’t about to let you check. 

“Where is everyone?” You ask. 

“In the library sweetheart,” he reassures you, but Hoseok couldn’t lie very well, his smile always gave him away when it stretched unnaturally. “They thought you were sleeping.”

“Even Yoongi?” you force the words out, a small burst of adrenaline making your heart work faster in anticipation, as if you were so close to the answer.

“He’s out looking for the phoenix sweetheart, he’ll be back in a few days,” he mumbles, climbing into the bed next to you as if he were tired. The importance of lying to you was to do it with sprinkles of the truth. His arms wrap around you, pulling you to lie down with your head on his chest, his chin on the top of your head to stop you glancing at him. Hoseok was deflated, he was depressed and he was struggling to hide it from you.

“The phoenix?” You weren’t surprised something like that existed, you just didn’t understand why that particular being, or why he left without saying anything. 

“They have healing tears,” he explained, “Namjoon thought it would be a good idea if we had a few drops in stock for when… you’re not well.”

“Okay.” It seemed reasonable enough, you couldn’t detect a lie in his voice, but his words seemed shallow, like you could only see skin deep, you couldn’t hear what he was hiding. 

“Get some sleep sweetheart, I’m right here,” he strokes your arm, trying to lull you to rest but your gut tells you not to listen to him.

“I’m not tired,” you say, pushing up against his chest to sit upright again. “I miss you guys, why don’t I help with the research?”

You made your offer with a smile, but something cold washed over his eyes, a flicker of panic, annoyance, you couldn’t decipher it.

“You’ll only distract them Y/n,” he sounds off, you never heard him say something so bluntly before. 

“I thought we said we weren’t going to sacrifice the time we have,” you try not to sound as hurt as you feel, you know it wasn’t the best way to spend time together, truth be told you were sick of all the research, but you needed to see them with your own eyes. You wouldn’t feel at peace until you did.

He sighs deeply, closing his eyes, running his hand through his hair as he tells himself to breathe. You frown, you could feel your body want to move towards the door, something inside of you pushing you desperately. You give in to the force, moving off the bed as his eyes snap to you like a predator. 

“Sweetheart you can help them tomorrow,” he says, grabbing your hand to stop you moving. You watch him, but something about his gaze felt strangely hypnotic, a warning in them not to move. “Spend some time with me.”

“We can all spend some time together,” you breathe, gulping down the sudden unease you could feel in your throat. There’s that flicker in his eyes again. He felt like a stranger, like someone was wearing his skin. In a flash it’s gone, he smiles again as if nothing were wrong.

“Okay stubborn human,” he chuckles but it sounds empty. He wanted his brothers to advance in their real agenda where he failed, taking you there would be a set back. He would have to warn them to hide the books on immortality when you got close, but hopefully someone would hear you were coming. Hopefully you wouldn’t notice Namjoon’s absence.

Neither of you move, you both just stare at each other in silence for a second that feels like a lifetime, caught in your own disarraying thoughts.

“Hobi,” you can’t take it, your insides felt messed up, like you were tearing down the middle, tugged in different directions, unable to make sense of anything at all. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine sweetheart,” but it sounds like a lie. It looks like a lie, he struggles to keep that smile on his face, looking away from you down to the fabric of the sheets. 

He lets go of your hand but you grasp it, squeezing it gently to tell him you didn’t believe him. 

“Hoseok,” you coax gently, feeling so close to the truth. 

His eyes water when they meet your gaze, his bottom lip trembling so hard you leap to embrace him, holding his head in your neck before he has the chance to cry.

“I’m not fine,” he chokes, sniffling as he shakes in your hug. “You nearly died in front of us, how are any of us fine?”

The guilt that came with his words wrenched painfully through your chest, unable to utter a single word to comfort him. He had seen you nearly die before and he got past it, it took some time but he did. You just prayed hard they could all do it again, but this time was different, you knew that. 

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he’s so cool <3 [cr. namuspromised]

To be loved. (5)

⇢ pairing: bts x chubby!reader

⇢ alpha!Namjoon, alpha!Jimin, alpha!Taehyung, beta!Jin,  beta!Hoseok, omega!Yoongi, omega!Jungkook.

⇢ genre: hurt/comfort, fluff, eventual smut

⇢ word count: 9.4k

⇢ warnings: harmful thoughts towards body and self, ed habits, arguments (but not really?), I believe that's it!

⇢ summary: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7, is that too much for a person? Should that number make you think so terribly? It shouldn't but it does. Someone else sees the numbers and thinks thoroughly and even tries to help in his own way. When he does all you can think is how can someone's hate feel like this? When has hate felt like a hug? 

chapters: prologue, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,

Chapter five! To the anon who asked when she gets a home cooked meal here you go. ^^ It was a roller coaster but in the end the MC enjoyed her meal with someone. I like this chapter because It feels like someone is trying but in their own way, which is so important! rather than helping in a textbook kind of way yk? but as always I hope you enjoy it! reblogs and feedback are always greatly appreciated! <3

You sleep well that night. The night air feels cool with a hint of warmth, as if you left out your coffee just a bit too long but not long enough at all.  You hear someone knocking on the door and you can't find it in you to answer. So you try your best to make a sound loud enough that whoever is behind the door can hear it.  Apparently they do because you hear the door open and feel someone standing there. You don’t want to open your eyes knowing the sunlight would cause them to water more than the early mornings already do, but you can tell they're waiting for you to. 

You open your eyes and see Taehyung looking at you, his long shaggy hair glowing under the sunlight. Pretty browns and bits of auburn threaded into each strand. “Morning y/n.” he says in a low voice. You sit up on the bed and look to the side so he can't see your face. Jaebeom would tell you omegas must always appear pretty and so when you wake up an alpha expects to see you freshened up and put together. “So don't show me your morning face. Clean well before you appear in front of me.” 

“G..good morning.” you say feeling the nervousness of his judgment crawling up your spine. He hasn't said anything to you but alphas only want to see pretty omegas even if they aren't theirs. Jaebeom said omegas must be pretty to look at, if not then they're pointless. Taehyung doesn't know why you seem so nervous right now, is it because it's him and not Jimin? He noticed you're quite fond of Jin as well, the beta is quite comforting to those around him. He doesn't want to make you uneasy.

“I'm sorry if I disturbed you or made you uncomfortable. I just wanted to let you know that it's just you and me here and I made some coffee.” he apologies for something unknown to both of you. “No, you didn't make me uncomfortable. It's just that… I look a bit unpleasant in the morning. I wouldn't want to scare you or anything.” you try to joke about it lightly though the joke eases the tension of the words it still tastes bitter on your tongue.

Makes you feel as if you are something scary to look at, as if you're a scarecrow in a field. Lonely with no one to call it pretty. Maybe you are? Maybe you aren't supposed to be praised when you're not something praise worthy. Taehyung goes quiet and it makes you feel uneasy. He's just standing there not saying anything. He could have at least pretended to laugh at your stupid joke, it would be better than this silence.

“No one is unpleasant in the morning, we all are just a bit listless and undoubtedly bare which is normal. Our hair sticks up and things that can be frazzled but it’s not unpleasant. Also you're not scary to look at, the joke was what was scary.” he replies with a joke of his own. You smile a bit at that, the words sticking to you. 

You turn to him and look down, fear still managing to cling to your skin. “If you would like to freshen up though, I'll leave you to it, okay?” you nod and go to get up. The black pajama pants being a bit long on you almost making you fall. You make yelp noise and Taehyung runs about to help just in case you fall but you manage to stand straight.  You giggle nervously and mutter an apology which Taehyung reassures you that you're fine.

Just as you're about to walk into the bathroom, Taehyung says something that catches your attention. “I'll be in the library if you need me.” right as he says the word your eyes light up. He sees them shine at the thoughts of books and a place filled with them. You nod a bit chirpy, just the mention of a library making you want to hop just a little bit.  

Taehyung walks away to the library and you decide to freshen up. You grab the pastel blue toothbrush Hoseok got you and begin. You rinse off your face the cold water waking you up a bit more than you already were.  You walk into the kitchen and smell the coffee that sits hot in the pot. You want to make some but are unsure of what mug to use. What if there are certain mugs only they can use? What if they don't want you using their dishes?

You see a plain black mug that looks a bit old, it's chipped in certain spots. Making it seem used but since it's in the back also forgotten.  You choose that one and pour you a cup. You love coffee and always have but didn't get to indulge much with your fiancé. When you used to go to Starbucks and cute cafes with Jimin when you guys were younger you loved a good iced frappuccino. 

So as you look at the mug that holds coffee that holds no sugar it makes you miss the sweetness that the old days used to hold. The black coffee is bitter no matter how much you have had to get used to it. Each sip is as if hand sanitizer is made into a dark liquid. You hate the taste, the emptiness to it but you tolerate it. You sit in a spot at the dining table while the sun shines through the sheer white curtains brightly. The light casting the kitchen in a white glow.

The house is quiet, not even the presence of Taehyung would be known if he hadn't told you he was here. You draw little patterns onto the table as you think about how to get a job. When should you start looking, now perhaps? But you have no device to look up jobs. You pout at that, the realization that you can't repay them back if you don't even know what’s hiring. Then again you haven't done a job application in years, how much have they changed? 

You hear footsteps getting closer and see Taehyung walk into the kitchen sporting glasses this time. The frames sit nicely against his bridge as if they were made precisely just for him. You watch as he pours himself another cup into his mug. A cute brown mug with a little baby yoda on it. You almost want to coo at how such a mysterious alpha is drinking out a little baby yoda mug. He sees you smiling to yourself as you watch him. “What?” he asks as he takes a seat across from you.

You giggle harder at being caught. “Nothing, it's just I didn't expect you to have a baby yoda mug.” you smile pointing at the little green guy. Taehyung looks down and looks back to you with a serious expression. “Baby Yoda is the coolest guy ever, don't laugh at him.” you frown a bit because his tone isn't holding any lightness to it.

“I didn't-” he chuckles quietly and that makes you stop your sentence. “I'm kidding y/n, I mean not about baby yoda being cool. He is cool.” he says, examining his mug, tapping one of baby yoda's ears. “Yeah he is pretty cool and cute!” you say the frown immediately leaving your lips. You say it as if everyone needs to know baby yoda is infact a cool but cute (don't forget cute) little green guy. Taehyung shakes his head and you give him a bit of an eye smile as you take a sip of coffee. You both sit in silence as you sip at your mugs. The silence isn't unpleasant if anything it's nice. Nice to know for once that you're being silent out of choice and not force.

“Do you like books?” taehyung asks. He sees light in your eyes again and he doesnt think it's  from the sun. you nod enthusiastically. “What kind of books do you like?” he replies. “Hmm I'd have to say fantasy is my favorite.” you reply and he gestures for you to continue. You don't want to possibly bore him with your lame book stuff but he is looking at you with such a soft smile that you find yourself continuing.

“I like fantasy books for a lot of reasons. Mostly because it takes you away from the place you are in. it's full of things that aren't true to you, true to your life. You get to indulge in a little place full of things you'd never get to see and experience. You never know what's coming next but it's exhilarating. And-” you stop yourself from the next sentence not wanting to sound stop sappy. 

“Go on.'' Taehyung encourages. You clear your throat “And um you know when you feel stuck in such a world that only causes you pain, to be transcended into a world that can comfort you and make you forget that it is so lovely. Even when fiction has pain it's written so beautifully that it's as if your heart is breaking and mending all in one.” you finish as you play with your hands. Nervous you may have sounded simple minded. “Sorry if i sounded stupid.” you apologize just in case he gets angry at your words, feels as if you're trying to act smarter than him.

You know alphas don't like when omegas try to appear more intelligent. Jaebeom would sa- “you didn't sound stupid. Your words were true and you felt them. Your words were beautifully said.” You sit there staring at him, your mouth a bit open as if he said something slightly bizarre. 

“You'll catch flies y/n.'' he says with a light laugh. “Sorry it's just, nevermind it's quite silly.” you say turning to look back at your empty mug. You think Taehyung's done with coffee as well if the way the cup has a bit of an echo when put down has any say. “Tell me, nothing is quite silly in this house as we would be considered silly people. So hit me.” you play with your fingers, rubbing the thick skin of your knuckle.

“It's just…I was so shocked. I've never been complimented on the things I say. I usually get shot down, ignored, or perhaps worse.” you laugh trying to ease the heaviness that word implies but could words ever ease the heaviness of the hands that hurt you. The worse to you indicates something that couldn't be eased, Worse beatings, worse nights, worse pain.

“So I don't know, you just shocked me a bit by calling something I said beautiful. That word is usually only associated with others.” you say looking up to him slowly, eyes holding many emotions. “Thank you for that.” you smile softly. It's Taehyung's turn to be silent because he knows. He's always known and it eats at him everyday.

So to see you're here explaining just a bit of what he assumed, of what he saw not only saddens him but makes him feel the guilt. The guilt of those footsteps that he walked out that door that day, the guilt of his eyesight seeing something but simply turning away. He knows and he knew. 

“Who’s your favorite author?” The change of subject doesn't startle you at all nor anger you. Gladly feeling the weight of the conversation shifting. Flying high off its feet to something you both can smile about. “Kim Tae.” you say a bit loudly and it makes you immediately apologize but Taehyung reassures you you're fine. To scream all you want until your lungs ache, burn from the words you haven't been able to scream.

He's pretty poetic you think, the way he speaks as if he sees the world as a book to write, a story to tell.  He laughs at your answer and you tilt your head confused. “What?” you question, a bit offended at his laughter. You love Kim Tae and will ride or die for the anonymous author. His words do wonders for you. 

“Nothing nothing, may I ask why you like them?” you nod the subject making you excited. “Warning, I'm going to sound like a nerd.” you say to him with a giggle. “Nerd away, nerd.” you playfully glare resulting in him laughing at you. The warmth in this kitchen is doing wonders for the coldness that sticks to your skin. That never leaves you, reminds you that the warmth is never a luxury you get to bundle in but now?

Now you feel that warmth just a tad, that you don't ever want to leave this feeling. Though your coffee cup is empty, the taste of coffee is still heavy on your tongue. Taehyung's scent is spiked with an emotion you want to believe is happiness, like you. 

“I love kim tae not just as an author but what i know about them as a person. The fact they stay anonymous is something I find beautiful if I'm honest because it gives them privacy free from judgment. Whether they’re a woman, man, both, or neither! The only thing about their identity is that they’re an alpha. It makes me happy because can you imagine how alpha pups will feel knowing that even if some of society says they can't indulge in such things that there is an amazing author who does just that?” you say so much passion in your voice. As if the thought makes you soar with happiness, soar with comfort that they will be comforted by such a thing. 

“Also them being an alpha kinda gives my fiancé a slap in the face that alphas can in fact read but they can also write!” you say annoyance clear in your voice at the man you're speaking of. Taehyung is feeling almost shy because these words you say are never said to him. Never being this thoroughly explained to him. So he's hiding in his hands and you stop yourself from continuing, scared you, annoyed or bored him. “Sorry if I'm boring you I'll stop.” he peeks at you through his hands “n..no um please continue.”  you're confused at his reaction, “you sure?” he does respond verbally but the nod of his head gives you confirmation. 

“I also like the way they put little notes at the beginning and end of their story as if to have a little convo with you before you start, an introduction if you will. Then at the end as if to close the story by closing the conversation. Sometimes it's words about the story but my favorite is when it's words of comfort!” you say kicking your feet with excitement. Just talking about books and authors with someone after not having anyone to talk about it with for years is pumping serotonin in you.

“Comfort?” he questions, voice being a bit muffled from the way his head is still in his hands. “Yep, hmm I would say it was like my body was a cage. I was locked in something that I couldn't escape. it's silly but it was as if Kim Tae freed me in a way?” you say and Taehyung takes his head out his hands to look at you.

“When I read their stories I felt so free, entranced you know? While my fiancé was gone I was able to fly into a world full of poetry, fantasy, or little stories about silly things. Kim Tae saved me. I would say, if it wasn't for them I would have gone insane and probably not as human as I am today.” you say a sad laugh escaping you unwillingly. You realize that laughing must be a border your body is putting up to not cry.

Taehyung is just staring at you, an expression you can't read well. On the contrary Taehyung almost feels as if he could cry. Your words somehow comforting him, motivating him. Kim Tae is amazing but he knows the author gets discouraged, gets to a point where they feel as if writing is useless. Now though he believes if your words, your emotions of their work is told to him that Kim Tae will go on. 

Kim Tae's stories will continue to give you as much comfort as they can. Kim Tae wants to continue and after today he believes a part of Kim Tae is going to continue just for you. Though he feels himself frown at the mention of your fiance. Taehyung has known of you since long ago, not personally but in a way that when he saw you he could never forget you. Forget when your hat fell, when your arm was grabbed. Taheyung has known of you and thought of you for days. Guilt will always eat at him but the guilt may simmer just a bit with the knowledge that Kim Tae helped you. Kim Tae was there. 

~.~

You and taehyung sit in silence for a while, that is until you hear chatter getting closer. You hear what you believe to be Jimin's laughter and smell Yoongi's vanilla scent. They walk in the kitchen and their eyes widen in surprise at seeing you and taehyung there. “Taehyung’s out of the library at this time of day? Its going to fucking snow.'' Yoongi teases. Taheyung grunts at the omega all while a smile is etched onto his face. Jimin sits beside you as he grabs the bags full of snacks. You glance but immediately look away. Snacks are a no no. Too much carbs and possible trans fat.

“How’s your morning going peach?” he says, still looking through the bags, the alpha being pretty concentrated on sorting them out. “It’s been really good.” you reply softly. “Yeah? Taehyung good company?” he asks, finally looking at you. “Yeah but I have to say baby yoda was a bit better at that.” you giggle and Taehyung shakes his head at your child like humor. He doesn't understand how it's making you still giggle but all he knows is he finds himself laughing along. 

Yoongi sits down beside Taehyung having poured himself a cup of coffee as well. “Baby yoda?” Yoongi questions. Taehyung just waves him off and you smile to Yoongi. The joke being quite unfunny even to you but managing to make laughter bubble in the pit of your stomach. The feeling foreign and noise is even more. As if your laughter was locked away as much as your happiness was. The sound never having got to bounce off walls or fill up rooms like those you could only dream of being. You want to ask Yoongi a question but you're apprehensive. What if he finds you meddling?

“Yoongi um..” you stop yourself as he glances at you. Eyes devoid of emotion but not in a rude way. In a way that's expecting you to question him or make a statement so he can decide on a reaction he wants to give you. “May I ask where you work, like your occupation. I only ask because you always smell so sweet and it made me curious. sorry if I'm overstepping!” you say immediately. Not wanting to appear rude or nosy. 

He stares at you and wonders why such a simple question makes that amount of fear make way into your voice. “I work at a bakery.” he answers simply, no further examples of what he does. “Are you the baker?” you ask bouncing with excitement he doesn't know why you feel but that might be because he's the baker in question. “Yeah, I baked the things along with a girl. We bake different things, but sometimes the same things. We work for an elderly couple.” he explains this time.

“Oh, like a mom and pop shop?” you ask curiosity filling you more. “Yeah.” you smile brightly “that’s so cool, you always smell of a lovely vanilla so when you come home smelling so sweet and like a million different pastries, i just wondered why” you say with a giggle and Jimin laughs at your words. You look at him head tilting but Jimin saw the shock on Yoongi's face at your wording of “lovely vanilla.” Your words cause the omega to almost feel shy of his strong scent. 

“What?” you say. Jimin looks up to see you pouting to him. He just giggles as he pinches your cheek. “Nothing peach, you're just as sweet as usual.” you don't know why his words cause a bundle of butterflies to fly around in your stomach and blood to rush to your face. You cough and change the subject. “So if you don't mind me asking, what do you all do?” Yoongi thinks and begins to tell you. You learn that Jimin works at a small record shop that also has a cute section with old books to go along with the old records that collect dust but are aesthetic in display.

Jin is a doctor which you had known from the night he explained that he was. Yoongi tells you a bit about his bakery as he counts himself in the description. Namjoon is a psychologist and you frown at the name. Feeling as though you haven't seen the alpha in a while. (it literally has been maybe two days but that's how impactful pack alpha joonie is.) Hoseok is a daycare teacher which you lighten up at. Hoseok would work well with the little pups. Teaching them things the world is too scared to teach.

Like love is kind, being nice is better than being cruel, and to be who you want to be no matter what. “What does Taehyung do?” you question as you notice he skips over Taehyung. Taehyung looks at you, flashing you a smile with a shrug. You squint at him with suspicion and Yoongi chuckles at your action. “Oh and Jungkook-” “Jungkook what?” you hear the omega walk in the room. The brown sugar scent fills up the room instantly. His scent is always so strong even when he's angry. It fills your lungs until they drip with syrup.

“And that menace that just interrupted me is a tattoo artist.” Yoongi looks up and playfully glares at Jungkook. Jungkook sticks out his tongue as he sits near you but not close. You know he'd never sit next to you willingly. He probably didn't even register that you were here. “A menace proudly by the way.” Yoongi shakes his head, finding Jungkook endearing. You glance at Jungkook a few times trying to build up the courage to ask him more about his job. Jimin sees you playing with the skin on your knuckles as you glance at Jungkook.

He feels that you won’t ask what you want to without a push. So push is what he will do. “y/n do you want to ask Jungkook something?” you look at Jimin eyes wide at his question. He just smiles and motions for you to say what you wanted to. Your face is immediately hot at being put on the spot and caught in your staring. You glance to see Jungkook staring at you, not glaring but definitely not kindly. As if he doesn't care what you have to ask but will listen despite such. 

“Um i just wanted to ask what all do you do?” you ask quietly. “I tattoo people with ink.” he states, looking away from you and you shrink into yourself at his answer. You knew you shouldn't have asked him. He isn’t fond of you so why would he tell you things about himself? You're nothing but a stranger but you hoped you could learn about such an interesting occupation.  He sees Yoongi glaring at him and he looks to see you looking down. Once curiosity now cut short from the sharpness of his answer.

“I see what people want and turn into something in my style. Then I tattoo them with their desired colors and style.” you look up at him. The first time he addresses you with a sense of normality. No anger or words that are sharp. You tilt your head though. “So you turn into your style but tattoo them their desired style? What does that mean?” you ask. Jungkook stares at you, almost wanting to not reply but somehow your curiosity is a bit welcomed.

“I turn the whole tattoo artwork into my style but what I mean by their style is the lining. Like if they want the thing i styled to be more line work then color or if they want more shading. It's a bit difficult to understand. You wouldn't get it.” He says going to look at the snacks Jimin got. Jimin smacks his hand and Jungkook looks at him with a pout. “What? I answered.” he says, acting as if the baby smack hurt him. Jimin rolls his eyes at the dramaticness of his mate.

“y/n would know a lot more about that than any of us would besides you by the way.'' Jungkook looks to you a bit curious at what Jimin is implying. “Were you a tattoo artist or some shit?” he asks. Finally managing to grab a bag of hot chips. You shake your head. “y/n draws. She even used to draw for our one friends back in school that did do tattoos. Her art was pretty well liked by other people.” Jimin says going to grab himself a snack. Taehyung raises his eyebrows at that. “You draw y/n?” you shake your head. “I used to but I haven't since-” you stop yourself from oversharing. “Since a while.” you say summing it up into something short.

Jimin frowns at that because has it been since that night?  “Jungkook, do you draw tattoos?” you ask, trying to shift the conversation from you. He nods while he munches on his chips, he looks in the bag trying to pick the most seasoned ones. It's a cute habit he must have. “y/n do you think you can still draw?” you hear Yoongi ask you. “Probably not so that's why I consider myself not able to.” you reply with a nervous giggle. “That's Not true peach with how good you were? That's not something you lose.”  Jimin says, patting your shoulder and you smile at his reassurance. 

Jungkook watches the interaction and bites his tongue. Like physically bites it so he doesn't say anything to make the room become dark and moody. He doesn't want to be the storm that crashes into the sun and turns its color to something gray. “I ask because would you like to draw again?” Yoongi diverts your attention back to him. You think about it. You would love to draw again after not having been able to create for years. Being able to draw cute things or even dark things that paint themselves in your mind would be nice.

To take a pencil to a blank paper and let your heart express in colors what your mind draws in lines. “I think I would like to one day. It would be nice to express myself through art again.” you answer. Yoongi nods and goes to pour his now cold coffee in the sink. 

“Peach here.” Jimin says handing you a bag of spicy honey chips. You see it's a brand you used to love. The chips are always crispy just enough that the crunch is satisfying to the teeth. Now though? You couldn't even imagine what that would do to your body. What it would add up to in numbers. You stare at it and look to see Jimin waiting expectantly. “Do..do you have anything lighter?'' Jimin's eyebrows furrow in confusion. “What do you mean?” you don't want to say it bluntly.

Don't want to expose such a thing, that only people that have calories they can spare can eat things like that. You can't say that, have attention being turned to why you can't. To have attention turned to your body and your face. Let them finally see what you are, who you are, Someone unsightly and someone unworthy. “Like um…” you see Jimin frowning at you. You don't know what to say, but should you just tell him that- “there's banana chips.'' Taehyung states grabbing the bag and handing them to you. 

You look at him and almost want to thank him for saving you from words. From the expression of your pain that would do no good for the warmth that is surrounding the room. You grab the bag and thank him and Jimin. They go back to talking and you open the bag as silently as you can not wanting to cause any disruptions. Nobody likes a loud omega so you've been told.  You look at the nutrition label and see the serving size as well as other important factors.

You eat a few slowly as you read it. You count in your head and your hands how many you're eating and make sure you don't go over the serving size. If you do, you're not very good at math to tell how many calories it would be if you went over. You do this all while being oblivious to the eyes that watch you. 

Jungkook watches as you read the label. Your fingers holding a number 5 under the table  as if you're counting how many chips you are eating. You read the label and must have read the serving size as you close the bag after the 7th chip. Not eating more than that, once you're done closing the bag your fingers soon go back to normal. No hint of counting on them and it makes Jungkook wonder why you asked for something lighter.

Jimin gave you those chips as if he knew it was something you liked, taste can change of course but has yours? Has your taste had the chance to change? Now that he thinks you've been here for about 6 days now and he hasn't seen you eat a meal. You may have had a bite of a burger, might have had tea and coffee but have you eaten? 

You place the bag of banana chips back with the other snacks and sit to yourself quietly. Your eyes, eyeing the bag of chips Jimin offered you as if you want them. You look away from them though with a shake of your head. What are you thinking? Is it harmful? Jungkook doesn't care for you, does not necessarily like you. So why is he considered for your well being as if he does? 

~.~

You get out of the shower with a bit of a bounce in your step. The day has been so cozy, from the way Taehyung shared coffee with you, to the talk of their occupations that enticed you, all the way to the shower you just took with the coconut scented shampoo. All of it makes you feel so soft as you snuggle under the fleece blanket. Through all of this though there's an itch you can't scratch, the itch of something so familiar. Every time it comes it stays, no matter if you try to ignore it.

The itch can't be scratched because it's sewn into your brain. The stitches are so threaded that scissors couldn't even cut it. The itch of eating. You ate and more particular you snacked. You snacked on something that you would never have gotten to any other day. Should you feel sad over this, determine your worth over this. 7 chips? 

No you shouldn't but what the brain is taught it will keep. What the heart has learned is how it will beat. So how could you ever be okay again and be able to be normal and eat? It's a dream, a sad one. One you wish to achieve but do you really? Or does that sick part of you wish to keep feeling the pain in your stomach from hunger. To keep checking if your collar bones stick out more today. You have never got to weigh yourself and know it.

Your fiancé would just tell you that you never lost a pound, which resulted in you never having got to nest but always getting to feel that thought of ‘maybe tomorrow.”  But will that desired tomorrow ever come? You wish it would then maybe you would be free from the monster that haunts you. From the thoughts that weigh you down just as much as the number that defines you. Sick dreams, sick mind, sick you.

You hear the sound of the others laughing. Sharing food around and they spread love around even more. Love, what is love? You've never felt it, never got to be in the palm of its hand. The only person you've loved with all of your being is currently being loved himself. The love he once shared with you is now shared with 6. 6 people who are better than you, prettier than you, smarter than you. 6 people who can love him in a way you could never. That gives him a love that's painless, unlimited in its range.

No matter the color of the day his blue will shine to them and his blue is no longer for you. Love is tricky, love is painful but you think you'd rather die from the tree branches that impale you from the overflowing love of another. That's a way you'd want to go, the pain stabbing into your heart yet making it beat all the same. 

As I paint the walls with the secret tears I shed that also paint the skin of my cheeks with red. Symbolizing the blood that's in me but has nothing keeping it pumping. No adrenaline, no happiness, nothing exhilarating. So love, what are you? What do you feel like? All my life I've only had one question, what is it like to be loved? Love if you could talk would you answer me? Then again I'm being silly by thinking such a thing. Though love if you can hear me, one second, one minute or even one day. Please, let me be loved. 

~.~

That morning you don't wake up to a knock at the door or the sound of rough morning giggles. You wake up to silence, maybe you're the only one here? Last night you wore a simple long sleeve, baby blue ruffle pajama set. You enter the bathroom as per usual. You look in the mirror to see your puffy eyes and crazy hair. Wetting your hands, you glide them down your hair to get rid of the baby frizzes that stand tall as if to say ‘you can't get rid of me.’ Luckily cold water manages to pin them down.  You try to apply cold water under your puffy eyes to get rid of the evidence of the tears you silently let fall last night. 

You walk out into the kitchen to make yourself a glass of water. As you walk in to see eyes staring at you. you lock eyes with him, his scent being light this morning. You look away and go to get the chipped black mug that you used yesterday. You choose it again because no one commented, no one objected to you using it. As you fill up the mug with some cold water you feel his eyes burning holes into the back of your head.

You don't dare to speak first, knowing you would anger him more than your presence itself already must be doing. “Why the fuck are you using that mug?” he questions. His voice being groggy and deep from the morning air. An indication that he too has just awoken not too long ago.  You still at his words, you knew you should have asked someone first.  

You turn to him with apologetic eyes. “Sorry I..I just this mug was in the back so I thought no one used it and-” Jungkook gets up and walks to the cup cabinet. You stop talking as you watch him, afraid he's coming to hit you. You close your eyes, not wanting to see the action happening before you feel it but it never comes.

“Wasn't saying you couldn't use it. I asked because it's old as hell and chipped. There's a reason it was in the back. favorite color?”  he asks and you open your eyes. Staring at him surprised. He looks down to you and is waiting for your answer. “Oh uh it's blue! Yeah blue.”  he hums. Looking back to the mugs he looks and picks one. Though you see him hesitate on this one. Despite that though, he rinses it and hands it to you. “Would you like some coffee?” he asks. You look to the pot and see there's none made.

“No, it's fine.” you answer. “Good because I didn't feel like making any and I don't like coffee much. So Hot choco?” you're surprised he is talking to you like this. Asking you things, offering drinks, it's weird but a good weird. “Sure!” you lighten up at the mention before it dawns on you. Hot chocolate equals sugar and you don't know how much. “Actually um, I'll take tea.” you say before he can begin making you some.

Jungkook looks at you and stares for a minute. “I'm making you some.” he states, grabbing the hot chocolate packs. “No, I'd rather not drink any, I appreciate it though.” you try to tell him a bit panicked at him insisting on this. “Why don't you want it? It's good so just drink it.”  he groans. “But..” you halt your sentence. “But?” he says as he stirs the milk in the pot. 

Jungkook’s not stupid he knows you’re freaking out about the hot chocolate because you can’t see the label. You don’t know what's in it but that's not a way to live. To live in a box that you can get out of because you're only allowed to fit in that box. You should be able to grow out of it, grow into a garden full of flowers that blossom into colors you've never seen. Petals that are so new that when it hits your tongue you feel delighted, not guilty. 

You never answer him though. “Yeah, so sit and I'll make you a cup.” you find yourself letting out a frustrated huff. Walking away to sit at the table across from where Jungkook sat. your back to him as he makes the drinks quietly. He soon places the pretty blue mug in front of you. He sits across from you. He sips on his while he watches you stare into your mug. As if the chocolate beverage will jump at you. “Drink up.” Jungkook waits for you to follow what he said.

It takes you a while but you grab the mug and bring it to your lips. You take a deep breath and drink it slowly. The hot drink goes down smoothly. The chocolate sweetness fills your taste buds till they overflow. Fills your tummy till you feel warm all over. Then there's the bitterness of the chocolate. You find yourself enjoying the drink even wishing it had marshmallows to add a fluffy cuteness. You don't drink it all in one sip so you put the mug down. The heat of it makes it impossible to gulp down. 

“By the way it's just you and me here. It's going to be like that probably all day, until about 7pm. Just wanted to let you know that your precious Jimin won't be back till then.” he says to you. The bitterness in his tone sucking the sweetness that just entered you out. “I don't get why Jimin not being here is a problem for me?” you admit honestly. “Oh bullshit, you guys are weird with each other. So I just assumed you like… I don't know, ugh!” Jungkook tries to explain but can't. It frustrates him because he feels as if the anger he feels right now towards you is pointless.

Is it? Is his anger towards you unreasonable? You almost feel bad for some reason though you don't know what it is he is implying. Weird with each other? Do they find you weird with Jimin? You don’t know why they would. “Whatever, I got things to do today.” he says getting up. You hear him empty his mug and walk out. His footsteps lead upstairs to their room you suppose. 

You decide you’ll just stay in your room today. As you lay in your bed you can't help but wish you had books to occupy you. Your mind racing with thoughts because it has nothing to distract it. You just stare up at the ceiling as you try not to dwell on the hot chocolate. You enjoyed it, that's all that matters. It was good, it was hot and it was sweet. All of those things are nice so why does it feel bad? You won't let it though, wont let something so pleasant be something damaging.

~.~

The sounds of birds chirping have died down. The sun now has been covered by clouds. No longer a sunny day as the rain pours down. The droplets create a rhythm on top of the roof. You must have been asleep for maybe 5 hours because the clock on the wall says  it is now 1pm. Your brain must have gotten tired of thinking so many things so fast. From combating itself between two things.

You stand up and look out your window seeing the rain droplets that lay on it, some sliding down slowly. You watch them thinking back to when you lived with your fiancé. You used to watch the window when it rained feeling a sense of peace along with envy. The rain droplets got to disappear with the rise of the sun or the gusts of wind. Yet you have to exist until you can't no more. 

You want to drink some water, your mouth feeling dry along with your throat. Are you dehydrated? Even if you were, you wouldn't know the signs anyway. You walk in and see the kitchen empty, feeling a bit glad at that. You grab the blue mug you washed this morning and fill it with cold water. You chug it a bit fast, the coolness of it doing wonders for you. You hear Jungkook walk in and decide it's best to just finish your water and head back to your room. It seems you make him angry despite doing nothing but I guess you are doing something.

You as a person are burdensome and you've learned that long ago. So you know why he's angry, angry at someone like you. You finish your drink in silence as he takes out ingredients. You assume he must be cooking for when his pack gets home but it's too early for that. It would be cold by the time they get here. 

You place the mug on the drying rack and head back to your room. “I'm making lunch.” you turn back to find him staring at you. You just nod, unsure of what he wants you to do or say. “You're eating some.” he says pointing the wooden spoon at you that he is soon going to use. “I'm not hungry, I appreciate it though.” you decline kindly. “I didn't ask you, I said you are eating some.” he says clearly insistent. “But I'm not-” you go to protest. “When was your last meal?” he questions and your heart stops.

You feel as if you're on a stage with the brightest of light to shine on you as people watch and hear.  Watching as you stand still, frightened by the thought of answering or not. Hearing your shaking voice at such a small question. Your last meal? Could you ever consider what you ate with him as meals?

“I..I've ate meals.” you answer. Jungkook lets out a flabbergasted laugh at your response. He doesn't know why you lying about this is making him feel even more concerned. He shouldn't care but Jungkook isn't a mean person. He Isn't someone who treats others unkindly. He is someone who acts on emotion though. “Yeah, like what? Can you tell me what was your last meal?” he asks as he stirs something in a pot. “I don't have to tell you that.” he hums in response.

“It's an easy question.” you rub your knuckles finding this conversation suffocating. Easy? Easy for who? The question is harder than the concrete you fall onto that scrapes your knees as a child. “I eat obviously.” you motion to your body. Jungkook looks back at you and his once cold face now turned below temperature. Face so icy it could burn as if it was fire. “Don't joke that way.” he says almost in a growl, that is if omegas could growl. The sound he made being quite lower than a hiss. 

You just stand there frozen in your spot as he stares at you. His face is devoid of emotion. “Why don't you eat?” you find yourself laughing at his question. Though even to your ears your laugh sounds desperately strained, desperately afraid. “I do eat.” you reply. The lie almost feels as if it were true in your mind. You eat right? You ate those 7 banana chips and had hot chocolate. See you eat, but the more you think about it the more sick you feel. Sick that you're being caught in an act you love but hate. A sickness you despise but hug in your arms.

“Then eat what I'm cooking.” he says as if it's the smartest idea, like he solved it all. “I can’t.” you admit and go to walk away. “You can an-'' you stop and  turn around frustrated. “you don't get it!” you shout. He turns off the oven and lays the spoon on the counter. The food being long forgotten. “get what? because I'm pretty sure I do.” he says, crossing his arms. “No Jungkook you don't, you don't get it because you’re you and I'm me.” you try to explain simply but your heart is beating so fast. As if admitting these things is making it want to run, beat so much it bursts and its pain that’s connected to you will be gone. Then maybe you will be gone with it.

“Fuck is that supposed to mean?” he says angry at you implying something he can't understand. “you are you okay? That's enough of an example.” you say but he isn't letting up. “No it's not I don't get what you’re say-” you groan tears sitting in your eyes. Sitting there waiting to fall, waiting for the words you feel to be said so they can hear it. Hear how pathetic you are, that the body they lie in is one full of misery

“You're pretty! God Jungkook, you're beautiful okay? You can enjoy these things. You can enjoy the savory or sweet but I can't. Omegas should be beautiful and ones  like me don't get such a luxury so please just please..” you find yourself crying. The feeling being so humiliating, crying in front of people makes you appear fragile but aren't you just that? So fragile that even your own breaths hurt you, even your own tears burn your skin.

“Please just don't make me eat. I need this because then maybe I'll...'' you try to say words that sit on your tongue but they feel too heavy. Too thick to say that even your tongue won’t lift to say them. “Maybe you'll what?” Jungkook questions. You don't know though. You'll be pretty, grow thinner, be someone worthy of living. Wouldn't all of that sound so silly to someone who is all of those things? 

“What is beauty to you y/n?” he asks you and you are taken back. You think about it but the answer is already being said before you can stop it. “A monster.” he hums. “Who made it that way?” you sniffle, not wanting to answer him. Tell him about the man who gave you this scar, gave you these bruises and made you this way. “Him.” Jungkook nods. 

“Well fuck that guy. Fuck him and anyone else that made something soft be something detrimental. You shouldn't fucking believe people like that y/n.'' Jungkook says angrily. Is he angry at you? Probably, the way you stand in his kitchen declining his kind offer while taking up his space and now you're crying? Seeming pathetic and making the room echo with the sound of your ragged breaths. “Sorry.” you say trying to ease a tension you feel. “Sorry? Why are you sorry?” he continues when you don’t respond.

“Beauty is in everyone. No matter what you are or who you are. Beauty isn't a monster y/n. So get that out of your head. Beauty is in the way your lungs expand and help you breathe, in the way our scent spikes when we're happy and dull when we're sad.” he explains, hands moving with passion. The words he speaks must be words he believes to be true.

“Beauty is in the laughter we fill up rooms with. Beauty is in the food you eat that helps you survive. Beauty is in you as much as it is in me. So don't give me that ‘only pretty omega’ bullshit. Those words don't even make sense. So stop thinking them.” he says and you shake your head, is it that easy? It can't be when, “ but it's just I don't look like them. Never got to feel like them. So how could I ever say beauty is in me?” you say quietly.

Though you want to scream out to the god that gave you this body. Ask her why she chose such a thing, chose such a display. Make you the laughing stock to those who feel light on their feet.  How could you tell Jungkook that beauty hasn't visited you and created a home in the metaphorical heart in the center of your chest.

The tears you shed feel heavy as they fall, almost hearing a thud as they drop. “Sorry for crying, sorry.” You hear him walking close to you and you find yourself closing your eyes expecting to be hit  for crying in front of him, showing emotions you should keep hidden. Once again though nothing comes except for arms wrapping around your frame. Brown sugar surrounds you, the scent so strong this close. That it feels as if it's being injected into you, the sickly sweetness being a medicine that soothes. As if it's in your veins to calm you, mixing with the blood that has nothing pumping it. Filling it with a sense of words that aren't being said.

Jungkook doesn't know why he hugged you. Why is he still hugging you when he could have pulled away?  All he knows is that you are porcelain in a way that is cracked but manages to stay together. He knows you're strong yet easily breakable.

He pulls back and looks at you. “Beauty doesn't come and go. Beauty doesn't only choose one type of person. No matter the day, beauty has always and forever will be in you. And not to sound poetic and shit but-” he stops himself to look down at you but you haven't looked up at him yet. Eyes still centered to your feet. “Beauty is gentle and kind. It soothes or stings you in ways you don't realize. In the way your laughter makes your cheeks hurt, from the way tears make your eyes burn and even in the way your body is still kicking ass day by day y/n.  But you need to make it know it's okay to be just as it is, just as you are.” he finishes, voice changing to a whisper.

Soon though his voice goes back to good ol normal Jungkook. “So stop thinking dumb things like ‘only pretty omega's’ that sounds so stereotypical. So once again fuck the asshole made you believe stuff like that.” You stare up at him, eyes welling with more tears if that's even possible. You nod to him, taking his words to heart. You wish you were like Jungkook, strong, confident, and so badass.

You think he's so cool, a part of wishes and dreams you could be that one day.  He moves you to a chair and tells you to sit. “I'm just making soup okay? Something light.” you nod and he goes to cook it. You sit, exhaustion filling your body. You cried yes, but you haven't cried to or with someone in ages. Maybe that's why it feels so different.

As if a vine has wrapped around your finger as a ring to say that you too can grow. All you need is a bit of help, a bit of care to help you. You know this pack house is temporary for you but why have you felt the best you've had in years in the span of a week. They aren't your friends and they may just be being nice because Jimin knows you but it feels nice sharing a conversation with them. Even crying tears with a person who hates you feels better than shedding tears with someone who torments you.

Soon a bowl of soup is placed in front of you. The soup smelling of chicken and spices. Jungkook places hiss bowl across from you and goes to grab you two each a spoon. When he sits down he takes a bite after blowing it. You watch him and he looks back at you. “What?” you shake your head. “Nothing just…thank you.” you say to him. He grunts, taking another bite of soup.

You decide you'll take a bite as well. You don't even have the brain power to focus on the thoughts that are trying to eat at you. You blow on the spoon before eating it. Once it hits your tongue your eyes widen a bit. The flavors are so new it's as if they are dancing on your tongue. The warmth of the broth and the tenderness of the chicken being foreign to you. “Jungkook, this is really good!” you tell him honestly. 

Jungkook tries to hide his smile because he doesn't cook often. So he feels like his skills might be rusty. So your compliment is taken gratefully but you don't need to know that. “I mean yeah why wouldn't it be?” he smirks to himself when he hears you huff at him. “By the way this doesn't mean we're cool or anything.” he says, bringing your attention back to him. You were so focused on the cozy feeling settling in your tummy.

The soup makes you feel stuffed but so warm. Warm, warm, warmth! Such a fuzzy word and that's all you've been feeling lately.  You smile at him “yeah I figured you still hate me.” you giggle lightly. Though Jungkook knows you're joking he also knows you're serious. You think he hates you? He thinks about it and does he hate you? 

All he knows  is that he didn't like the sound of someone saying he hates them. Jungkook doesn't hate, even when people piss him off he doesn't necessarily hate them. A silence overtakes the two of you as he finishes up his bowl. You don't know what he wants you to do with the rest as you couldn't finish it. “Full?” he asks.

You nod and he gets up grabbing your bowl and putting it in the microwave. “It's in there if you want some later.” he says, washing his bowl. You get up and go to walk out the kitchen but stop. “Jungkook?” he grunts, not facing you. “Even though you hate me, thank you for today. I was a bit much so um..” you think of what more you want to say but feel embarrassed. So you cut yourself short. “ I don't know, okay bye bye.” you say before you walk away. He hears your door open and then you're gone, silent. 

Jungkook smiles and though he doesn't want to, he finds it staying on his face for a while. Jungkook may not like you or want you here but….maybe you're more bearable than he thought and maybe just maybe, he took note of your favorite color very thoroughly.  

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