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To be loved. (5)

⇢ pairing: bts x chubby!reader

⇢ alpha!Namjoon, alpha!Jimin, alpha!Taehyung, beta!Jin,  beta!Hoseok, omega!Yoongi, omega!Jungkook.

⇢ genre: hurt/comfort, fluff, eventual smut

⇢ word count: 9.4k

⇢ warnings: harmful thoughts towards body and self, ed habits, arguments (but not really?), I believe that's it!

⇢ summary: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7, is that too much for a person? Should that number make you think so terribly? It shouldn't but it does. Someone else sees the numbers and thinks thoroughly and even tries to help in his own way. When he does all you can think is how can someone's hate feel like this? When has hate felt like a hug? 

chapters: prologue, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,

Chapter five! To the anon who asked when she gets a home cooked meal here you go. ^^ It was a roller coaster but in the end the MC enjoyed her meal with someone. I like this chapter because It feels like someone is trying but in their own way, which is so important! rather than helping in a textbook kind of way yk? but as always I hope you enjoy it! reblogs and feedback are always greatly appreciated! <3

You sleep well that night. The night air feels cool with a hint of warmth, as if you left out your coffee just a bit too long but not long enough at all.  You hear someone knocking on the door and you can't find it in you to answer. So you try your best to make a sound loud enough that whoever is behind the door can hear it.  Apparently they do because you hear the door open and feel someone standing there. You don’t want to open your eyes knowing the sunlight would cause them to water more than the early mornings already do, but you can tell they're waiting for you to. 

You open your eyes and see Taehyung looking at you, his long shaggy hair glowing under the sunlight. Pretty browns and bits of auburn threaded into each strand. “Morning y/n.” he says in a low voice. You sit up on the bed and look to the side so he can't see your face. Jaebeom would tell you omegas must always appear pretty and so when you wake up an alpha expects to see you freshened up and put together. “So don't show me your morning face. Clean well before you appear in front of me.” 

“G..good morning.” you say feeling the nervousness of his judgment crawling up your spine. He hasn't said anything to you but alphas only want to see pretty omegas even if they aren't theirs. Jaebeom said omegas must be pretty to look at, if not then they're pointless. Taehyung doesn't know why you seem so nervous right now, is it because it's him and not Jimin? He noticed you're quite fond of Jin as well, the beta is quite comforting to those around him. He doesn't want to make you uneasy.

“I'm sorry if I disturbed you or made you uncomfortable. I just wanted to let you know that it's just you and me here and I made some coffee.” he apologies for something unknown to both of you. “No, you didn't make me uncomfortable. It's just that… I look a bit unpleasant in the morning. I wouldn't want to scare you or anything.” you try to joke about it lightly though the joke eases the tension of the words it still tastes bitter on your tongue.

Makes you feel as if you are something scary to look at, as if you're a scarecrow in a field. Lonely with no one to call it pretty. Maybe you are? Maybe you aren't supposed to be praised when you're not something praise worthy. Taehyung goes quiet and it makes you feel uneasy. He's just standing there not saying anything. He could have at least pretended to laugh at your stupid joke, it would be better than this silence.

“No one is unpleasant in the morning, we all are just a bit listless and undoubtedly bare which is normal. Our hair sticks up and things that can be frazzled but it’s not unpleasant. Also you're not scary to look at, the joke was what was scary.” he replies with a joke of his own. You smile a bit at that, the words sticking to you. 

You turn to him and look down, fear still managing to cling to your skin. “If you would like to freshen up though, I'll leave you to it, okay?” you nod and go to get up. The black pajama pants being a bit long on you almost making you fall. You make yelp noise and Taehyung runs about to help just in case you fall but you manage to stand straight.  You giggle nervously and mutter an apology which Taehyung reassures you that you're fine.

Just as you're about to walk into the bathroom, Taehyung says something that catches your attention. “I'll be in the library if you need me.” right as he says the word your eyes light up. He sees them shine at the thoughts of books and a place filled with them. You nod a bit chirpy, just the mention of a library making you want to hop just a little bit.  

Taehyung walks away to the library and you decide to freshen up. You grab the pastel blue toothbrush Hoseok got you and begin. You rinse off your face the cold water waking you up a bit more than you already were.  You walk into the kitchen and smell the coffee that sits hot in the pot. You want to make some but are unsure of what mug to use. What if there are certain mugs only they can use? What if they don't want you using their dishes?

You see a plain black mug that looks a bit old, it's chipped in certain spots. Making it seem used but since it's in the back also forgotten.  You choose that one and pour you a cup. You love coffee and always have but didn't get to indulge much with your fiancé. When you used to go to Starbucks and cute cafes with Jimin when you guys were younger you loved a good iced frappuccino. 

So as you look at the mug that holds coffee that holds no sugar it makes you miss the sweetness that the old days used to hold. The black coffee is bitter no matter how much you have had to get used to it. Each sip is as if hand sanitizer is made into a dark liquid. You hate the taste, the emptiness to it but you tolerate it. You sit in a spot at the dining table while the sun shines through the sheer white curtains brightly. The light casting the kitchen in a white glow.

The house is quiet, not even the presence of Taehyung would be known if he hadn't told you he was here. You draw little patterns onto the table as you think about how to get a job. When should you start looking, now perhaps? But you have no device to look up jobs. You pout at that, the realization that you can't repay them back if you don't even know what’s hiring. Then again you haven't done a job application in years, how much have they changed? 

You hear footsteps getting closer and see Taehyung walk into the kitchen sporting glasses this time. The frames sit nicely against his bridge as if they were made precisely just for him. You watch as he pours himself another cup into his mug. A cute brown mug with a little baby yoda on it. You almost want to coo at how such a mysterious alpha is drinking out a little baby yoda mug. He sees you smiling to yourself as you watch him. “What?” he asks as he takes a seat across from you.

You giggle harder at being caught. “Nothing, it's just I didn't expect you to have a baby yoda mug.” you smile pointing at the little green guy. Taehyung looks down and looks back to you with a serious expression. “Baby Yoda is the coolest guy ever, don't laugh at him.” you frown a bit because his tone isn't holding any lightness to it.

“I didn't-” he chuckles quietly and that makes you stop your sentence. “I'm kidding y/n, I mean not about baby yoda being cool. He is cool.” he says, examining his mug, tapping one of baby yoda's ears. “Yeah he is pretty cool and cute!” you say the frown immediately leaving your lips. You say it as if everyone needs to know baby yoda is infact a cool but cute (don't forget cute) little green guy. Taehyung shakes his head and you give him a bit of an eye smile as you take a sip of coffee. You both sit in silence as you sip at your mugs. The silence isn't unpleasant if anything it's nice. Nice to know for once that you're being silent out of choice and not force.

“Do you like books?” taehyung asks. He sees light in your eyes again and he doesnt think it's  from the sun. you nod enthusiastically. “What kind of books do you like?” he replies. “Hmm I'd have to say fantasy is my favorite.” you reply and he gestures for you to continue. You don't want to possibly bore him with your lame book stuff but he is looking at you with such a soft smile that you find yourself continuing.

“I like fantasy books for a lot of reasons. Mostly because it takes you away from the place you are in. it's full of things that aren't true to you, true to your life. You get to indulge in a little place full of things you'd never get to see and experience. You never know what's coming next but it's exhilarating. And-” you stop yourself from the next sentence not wanting to sound stop sappy. 

“Go on.'' Taehyung encourages. You clear your throat “And um you know when you feel stuck in such a world that only causes you pain, to be transcended into a world that can comfort you and make you forget that it is so lovely. Even when fiction has pain it's written so beautifully that it's as if your heart is breaking and mending all in one.” you finish as you play with your hands. Nervous you may have sounded simple minded. “Sorry if i sounded stupid.” you apologize just in case he gets angry at your words, feels as if you're trying to act smarter than him.

You know alphas don't like when omegas try to appear more intelligent. Jaebeom would sa- “you didn't sound stupid. Your words were true and you felt them. Your words were beautifully said.” You sit there staring at him, your mouth a bit open as if he said something slightly bizarre. 

“You'll catch flies y/n.'' he says with a light laugh. “Sorry it's just, nevermind it's quite silly.” you say turning to look back at your empty mug. You think Taehyung's done with coffee as well if the way the cup has a bit of an echo when put down has any say. “Tell me, nothing is quite silly in this house as we would be considered silly people. So hit me.” you play with your fingers, rubbing the thick skin of your knuckle.

“It's just…I was so shocked. I've never been complimented on the things I say. I usually get shot down, ignored, or perhaps worse.” you laugh trying to ease the heaviness that word implies but could words ever ease the heaviness of the hands that hurt you. The worse to you indicates something that couldn't be eased, Worse beatings, worse nights, worse pain.

“So I don't know, you just shocked me a bit by calling something I said beautiful. That word is usually only associated with others.” you say looking up to him slowly, eyes holding many emotions. “Thank you for that.” you smile softly. It's Taehyung's turn to be silent because he knows. He's always known and it eats at him everyday.

So to see you're here explaining just a bit of what he assumed, of what he saw not only saddens him but makes him feel the guilt. The guilt of those footsteps that he walked out that door that day, the guilt of his eyesight seeing something but simply turning away. He knows and he knew. 

“Who’s your favorite author?” The change of subject doesn't startle you at all nor anger you. Gladly feeling the weight of the conversation shifting. Flying high off its feet to something you both can smile about. “Kim Tae.” you say a bit loudly and it makes you immediately apologize but Taehyung reassures you you're fine. To scream all you want until your lungs ache, burn from the words you haven't been able to scream.

He's pretty poetic you think, the way he speaks as if he sees the world as a book to write, a story to tell.  He laughs at your answer and you tilt your head confused. “What?” you question, a bit offended at his laughter. You love Kim Tae and will ride or die for the anonymous author. His words do wonders for you. 

“Nothing nothing, may I ask why you like them?” you nod the subject making you excited. “Warning, I'm going to sound like a nerd.” you say to him with a giggle. “Nerd away, nerd.” you playfully glare resulting in him laughing at you. The warmth in this kitchen is doing wonders for the coldness that sticks to your skin. That never leaves you, reminds you that the warmth is never a luxury you get to bundle in but now?

Now you feel that warmth just a tad, that you don't ever want to leave this feeling. Though your coffee cup is empty, the taste of coffee is still heavy on your tongue. Taehyung's scent is spiked with an emotion you want to believe is happiness, like you. 

“I love kim tae not just as an author but what i know about them as a person. The fact they stay anonymous is something I find beautiful if I'm honest because it gives them privacy free from judgment. Whether they’re a woman, man, both, or neither! The only thing about their identity is that they’re an alpha. It makes me happy because can you imagine how alpha pups will feel knowing that even if some of society says they can't indulge in such things that there is an amazing author who does just that?” you say so much passion in your voice. As if the thought makes you soar with happiness, soar with comfort that they will be comforted by such a thing. 

“Also them being an alpha kinda gives my fiancé a slap in the face that alphas can in fact read but they can also write!” you say annoyance clear in your voice at the man you're speaking of. Taehyung is feeling almost shy because these words you say are never said to him. Never being this thoroughly explained to him. So he's hiding in his hands and you stop yourself from continuing, scared you, annoyed or bored him. “Sorry if I'm boring you I'll stop.” he peeks at you through his hands “n..no um please continue.”  you're confused at his reaction, “you sure?” he does respond verbally but the nod of his head gives you confirmation. 

“I also like the way they put little notes at the beginning and end of their story as if to have a little convo with you before you start, an introduction if you will. Then at the end as if to close the story by closing the conversation. Sometimes it's words about the story but my favorite is when it's words of comfort!” you say kicking your feet with excitement. Just talking about books and authors with someone after not having anyone to talk about it with for years is pumping serotonin in you.

“Comfort?” he questions, voice being a bit muffled from the way his head is still in his hands. “Yep, hmm I would say it was like my body was a cage. I was locked in something that I couldn't escape. it's silly but it was as if Kim Tae freed me in a way?” you say and Taehyung takes his head out his hands to look at you.

“When I read their stories I felt so free, entranced you know? While my fiancé was gone I was able to fly into a world full of poetry, fantasy, or little stories about silly things. Kim Tae saved me. I would say, if it wasn't for them I would have gone insane and probably not as human as I am today.” you say a sad laugh escaping you unwillingly. You realize that laughing must be a border your body is putting up to not cry.

Taehyung is just staring at you, an expression you can't read well. On the contrary Taehyung almost feels as if he could cry. Your words somehow comforting him, motivating him. Kim Tae is amazing but he knows the author gets discouraged, gets to a point where they feel as if writing is useless. Now though he believes if your words, your emotions of their work is told to him that Kim Tae will go on. 

Kim Tae's stories will continue to give you as much comfort as they can. Kim Tae wants to continue and after today he believes a part of Kim Tae is going to continue just for you. Though he feels himself frown at the mention of your fiance. Taehyung has known of you since long ago, not personally but in a way that when he saw you he could never forget you. Forget when your hat fell, when your arm was grabbed. Taheyung has known of you and thought of you for days. Guilt will always eat at him but the guilt may simmer just a bit with the knowledge that Kim Tae helped you. Kim Tae was there. 

~.~

You and taehyung sit in silence for a while, that is until you hear chatter getting closer. You hear what you believe to be Jimin's laughter and smell Yoongi's vanilla scent. They walk in the kitchen and their eyes widen in surprise at seeing you and taehyung there. “Taehyung’s out of the library at this time of day? Its going to fucking snow.'' Yoongi teases. Taheyung grunts at the omega all while a smile is etched onto his face. Jimin sits beside you as he grabs the bags full of snacks. You glance but immediately look away. Snacks are a no no. Too much carbs and possible trans fat.

“How’s your morning going peach?” he says, still looking through the bags, the alpha being pretty concentrated on sorting them out. “It’s been really good.” you reply softly. “Yeah? Taehyung good company?” he asks, finally looking at you. “Yeah but I have to say baby yoda was a bit better at that.” you giggle and Taehyung shakes his head at your child like humor. He doesn't understand how it's making you still giggle but all he knows is he finds himself laughing along. 

Yoongi sits down beside Taehyung having poured himself a cup of coffee as well. “Baby yoda?” Yoongi questions. Taehyung just waves him off and you smile to Yoongi. The joke being quite unfunny even to you but managing to make laughter bubble in the pit of your stomach. The feeling foreign and noise is even more. As if your laughter was locked away as much as your happiness was. The sound never having got to bounce off walls or fill up rooms like those you could only dream of being. You want to ask Yoongi a question but you're apprehensive. What if he finds you meddling?

“Yoongi um..” you stop yourself as he glances at you. Eyes devoid of emotion but not in a rude way. In a way that's expecting you to question him or make a statement so he can decide on a reaction he wants to give you. “May I ask where you work, like your occupation. I only ask because you always smell so sweet and it made me curious. sorry if I'm overstepping!” you say immediately. Not wanting to appear rude or nosy. 

He stares at you and wonders why such a simple question makes that amount of fear make way into your voice. “I work at a bakery.” he answers simply, no further examples of what he does. “Are you the baker?” you ask bouncing with excitement he doesn't know why you feel but that might be because he's the baker in question. “Yeah, I baked the things along with a girl. We bake different things, but sometimes the same things. We work for an elderly couple.” he explains this time.

“Oh, like a mom and pop shop?” you ask curiosity filling you more. “Yeah.” you smile brightly “that’s so cool, you always smell of a lovely vanilla so when you come home smelling so sweet and like a million different pastries, i just wondered why” you say with a giggle and Jimin laughs at your words. You look at him head tilting but Jimin saw the shock on Yoongi's face at your wording of “lovely vanilla.” Your words cause the omega to almost feel shy of his strong scent. 

“What?” you say. Jimin looks up to see you pouting to him. He just giggles as he pinches your cheek. “Nothing peach, you're just as sweet as usual.” you don't know why his words cause a bundle of butterflies to fly around in your stomach and blood to rush to your face. You cough and change the subject. “So if you don't mind me asking, what do you all do?” Yoongi thinks and begins to tell you. You learn that Jimin works at a small record shop that also has a cute section with old books to go along with the old records that collect dust but are aesthetic in display.

Jin is a doctor which you had known from the night he explained that he was. Yoongi tells you a bit about his bakery as he counts himself in the description. Namjoon is a psychologist and you frown at the name. Feeling as though you haven't seen the alpha in a while. (it literally has been maybe two days but that's how impactful pack alpha joonie is.) Hoseok is a daycare teacher which you lighten up at. Hoseok would work well with the little pups. Teaching them things the world is too scared to teach.

Like love is kind, being nice is better than being cruel, and to be who you want to be no matter what. “What does Taehyung do?” you question as you notice he skips over Taehyung. Taehyung looks at you, flashing you a smile with a shrug. You squint at him with suspicion and Yoongi chuckles at your action. “Oh and Jungkook-” “Jungkook what?” you hear the omega walk in the room. The brown sugar scent fills up the room instantly. His scent is always so strong even when he's angry. It fills your lungs until they drip with syrup.

“And that menace that just interrupted me is a tattoo artist.” Yoongi looks up and playfully glares at Jungkook. Jungkook sticks out his tongue as he sits near you but not close. You know he'd never sit next to you willingly. He probably didn't even register that you were here. “A menace proudly by the way.” Yoongi shakes his head, finding Jungkook endearing. You glance at Jungkook a few times trying to build up the courage to ask him more about his job. Jimin sees you playing with the skin on your knuckles as you glance at Jungkook.

He feels that you won’t ask what you want to without a push. So push is what he will do. “y/n do you want to ask Jungkook something?” you look at Jimin eyes wide at his question. He just smiles and motions for you to say what you wanted to. Your face is immediately hot at being put on the spot and caught in your staring. You glance to see Jungkook staring at you, not glaring but definitely not kindly. As if he doesn't care what you have to ask but will listen despite such. 

“Um i just wanted to ask what all do you do?” you ask quietly. “I tattoo people with ink.” he states, looking away from you and you shrink into yourself at his answer. You knew you shouldn't have asked him. He isn’t fond of you so why would he tell you things about himself? You're nothing but a stranger but you hoped you could learn about such an interesting occupation.  He sees Yoongi glaring at him and he looks to see you looking down. Once curiosity now cut short from the sharpness of his answer.

“I see what people want and turn into something in my style. Then I tattoo them with their desired colors and style.” you look up at him. The first time he addresses you with a sense of normality. No anger or words that are sharp. You tilt your head though. “So you turn into your style but tattoo them their desired style? What does that mean?” you ask. Jungkook stares at you, almost wanting to not reply but somehow your curiosity is a bit welcomed.

“I turn the whole tattoo artwork into my style but what I mean by their style is the lining. Like if they want the thing i styled to be more line work then color or if they want more shading. It's a bit difficult to understand. You wouldn't get it.” He says going to look at the snacks Jimin got. Jimin smacks his hand and Jungkook looks at him with a pout. “What? I answered.” he says, acting as if the baby smack hurt him. Jimin rolls his eyes at the dramaticness of his mate.

“y/n would know a lot more about that than any of us would besides you by the way.'' Jungkook looks to you a bit curious at what Jimin is implying. “Were you a tattoo artist or some shit?” he asks. Finally managing to grab a bag of hot chips. You shake your head. “y/n draws. She even used to draw for our one friends back in school that did do tattoos. Her art was pretty well liked by other people.” Jimin says going to grab himself a snack. Taehyung raises his eyebrows at that. “You draw y/n?” you shake your head. “I used to but I haven't since-” you stop yourself from oversharing. “Since a while.” you say summing it up into something short.

Jimin frowns at that because has it been since that night?  “Jungkook, do you draw tattoos?” you ask, trying to shift the conversation from you. He nods while he munches on his chips, he looks in the bag trying to pick the most seasoned ones. It's a cute habit he must have. “y/n do you think you can still draw?” you hear Yoongi ask you. “Probably not so that's why I consider myself not able to.” you reply with a nervous giggle. “That's Not true peach with how good you were? That's not something you lose.”  Jimin says, patting your shoulder and you smile at his reassurance. 

Jungkook watches the interaction and bites his tongue. Like physically bites it so he doesn't say anything to make the room become dark and moody. He doesn't want to be the storm that crashes into the sun and turns its color to something gray. “I ask because would you like to draw again?” Yoongi diverts your attention back to him. You think about it. You would love to draw again after not having been able to create for years. Being able to draw cute things or even dark things that paint themselves in your mind would be nice.

To take a pencil to a blank paper and let your heart express in colors what your mind draws in lines. “I think I would like to one day. It would be nice to express myself through art again.” you answer. Yoongi nods and goes to pour his now cold coffee in the sink. 

“Peach here.” Jimin says handing you a bag of spicy honey chips. You see it's a brand you used to love. The chips are always crispy just enough that the crunch is satisfying to the teeth. Now though? You couldn't even imagine what that would do to your body. What it would add up to in numbers. You stare at it and look to see Jimin waiting expectantly. “Do..do you have anything lighter?'' Jimin's eyebrows furrow in confusion. “What do you mean?” you don't want to say it bluntly.

Don't want to expose such a thing, that only people that have calories they can spare can eat things like that. You can't say that, have attention being turned to why you can't. To have attention turned to your body and your face. Let them finally see what you are, who you are, Someone unsightly and someone unworthy. “Like um…” you see Jimin frowning at you. You don't know what to say, but should you just tell him that- “there's banana chips.'' Taehyung states grabbing the bag and handing them to you. 

You look at him and almost want to thank him for saving you from words. From the expression of your pain that would do no good for the warmth that is surrounding the room. You grab the bag and thank him and Jimin. They go back to talking and you open the bag as silently as you can not wanting to cause any disruptions. Nobody likes a loud omega so you've been told.  You look at the nutrition label and see the serving size as well as other important factors.

You eat a few slowly as you read it. You count in your head and your hands how many you're eating and make sure you don't go over the serving size. If you do, you're not very good at math to tell how many calories it would be if you went over. You do this all while being oblivious to the eyes that watch you. 

Jungkook watches as you read the label. Your fingers holding a number 5 under the table  as if you're counting how many chips you are eating. You read the label and must have read the serving size as you close the bag after the 7th chip. Not eating more than that, once you're done closing the bag your fingers soon go back to normal. No hint of counting on them and it makes Jungkook wonder why you asked for something lighter.

Jimin gave you those chips as if he knew it was something you liked, taste can change of course but has yours? Has your taste had the chance to change? Now that he thinks you've been here for about 6 days now and he hasn't seen you eat a meal. You may have had a bite of a burger, might have had tea and coffee but have you eaten? 

You place the bag of banana chips back with the other snacks and sit to yourself quietly. Your eyes, eyeing the bag of chips Jimin offered you as if you want them. You look away from them though with a shake of your head. What are you thinking? Is it harmful? Jungkook doesn't care for you, does not necessarily like you. So why is he considered for your well being as if he does? 

~.~

You get out of the shower with a bit of a bounce in your step. The day has been so cozy, from the way Taehyung shared coffee with you, to the talk of their occupations that enticed you, all the way to the shower you just took with the coconut scented shampoo. All of it makes you feel so soft as you snuggle under the fleece blanket. Through all of this though there's an itch you can't scratch, the itch of something so familiar. Every time it comes it stays, no matter if you try to ignore it.

The itch can't be scratched because it's sewn into your brain. The stitches are so threaded that scissors couldn't even cut it. The itch of eating. You ate and more particular you snacked. You snacked on something that you would never have gotten to any other day. Should you feel sad over this, determine your worth over this. 7 chips? 

No you shouldn't but what the brain is taught it will keep. What the heart has learned is how it will beat. So how could you ever be okay again and be able to be normal and eat? It's a dream, a sad one. One you wish to achieve but do you really? Or does that sick part of you wish to keep feeling the pain in your stomach from hunger. To keep checking if your collar bones stick out more today. You have never got to weigh yourself and know it.

Your fiancé would just tell you that you never lost a pound, which resulted in you never having got to nest but always getting to feel that thought of ‘maybe tomorrow.”  But will that desired tomorrow ever come? You wish it would then maybe you would be free from the monster that haunts you. From the thoughts that weigh you down just as much as the number that defines you. Sick dreams, sick mind, sick you.

You hear the sound of the others laughing. Sharing food around and they spread love around even more. Love, what is love? You've never felt it, never got to be in the palm of its hand. The only person you've loved with all of your being is currently being loved himself. The love he once shared with you is now shared with 6. 6 people who are better than you, prettier than you, smarter than you. 6 people who can love him in a way you could never. That gives him a love that's painless, unlimited in its range.

No matter the color of the day his blue will shine to them and his blue is no longer for you. Love is tricky, love is painful but you think you'd rather die from the tree branches that impale you from the overflowing love of another. That's a way you'd want to go, the pain stabbing into your heart yet making it beat all the same. 

As I paint the walls with the secret tears I shed that also paint the skin of my cheeks with red. Symbolizing the blood that's in me but has nothing keeping it pumping. No adrenaline, no happiness, nothing exhilarating. So love, what are you? What do you feel like? All my life I've only had one question, what is it like to be loved? Love if you could talk would you answer me? Then again I'm being silly by thinking such a thing. Though love if you can hear me, one second, one minute or even one day. Please, let me be loved. 

~.~

That morning you don't wake up to a knock at the door or the sound of rough morning giggles. You wake up to silence, maybe you're the only one here? Last night you wore a simple long sleeve, baby blue ruffle pajama set. You enter the bathroom as per usual. You look in the mirror to see your puffy eyes and crazy hair. Wetting your hands, you glide them down your hair to get rid of the baby frizzes that stand tall as if to say ‘you can't get rid of me.’ Luckily cold water manages to pin them down.  You try to apply cold water under your puffy eyes to get rid of the evidence of the tears you silently let fall last night. 

You walk out into the kitchen to make yourself a glass of water. As you walk in to see eyes staring at you. you lock eyes with him, his scent being light this morning. You look away and go to get the chipped black mug that you used yesterday. You choose it again because no one commented, no one objected to you using it. As you fill up the mug with some cold water you feel his eyes burning holes into the back of your head.

You don't dare to speak first, knowing you would anger him more than your presence itself already must be doing. “Why the fuck are you using that mug?” he questions. His voice being groggy and deep from the morning air. An indication that he too has just awoken not too long ago.  You still at his words, you knew you should have asked someone first.  

You turn to him with apologetic eyes. “Sorry I..I just this mug was in the back so I thought no one used it and-” Jungkook gets up and walks to the cup cabinet. You stop talking as you watch him, afraid he's coming to hit you. You close your eyes, not wanting to see the action happening before you feel it but it never comes.

“Wasn't saying you couldn't use it. I asked because it's old as hell and chipped. There's a reason it was in the back. favorite color?”  he asks and you open your eyes. Staring at him surprised. He looks down to you and is waiting for your answer. “Oh uh it's blue! Yeah blue.”  he hums. Looking back to the mugs he looks and picks one. Though you see him hesitate on this one. Despite that though, he rinses it and hands it to you. “Would you like some coffee?” he asks. You look to the pot and see there's none made.

“No, it's fine.” you answer. “Good because I didn't feel like making any and I don't like coffee much. So Hot choco?” you're surprised he is talking to you like this. Asking you things, offering drinks, it's weird but a good weird. “Sure!” you lighten up at the mention before it dawns on you. Hot chocolate equals sugar and you don't know how much. “Actually um, I'll take tea.” you say before he can begin making you some.

Jungkook looks at you and stares for a minute. “I'm making you some.” he states, grabbing the hot chocolate packs. “No, I'd rather not drink any, I appreciate it though.” you try to tell him a bit panicked at him insisting on this. “Why don't you want it? It's good so just drink it.”  he groans. “But..” you halt your sentence. “But?” he says as he stirs the milk in the pot. 

Jungkook’s not stupid he knows you’re freaking out about the hot chocolate because you can’t see the label. You don’t know what's in it but that's not a way to live. To live in a box that you can get out of because you're only allowed to fit in that box. You should be able to grow out of it, grow into a garden full of flowers that blossom into colors you've never seen. Petals that are so new that when it hits your tongue you feel delighted, not guilty. 

You never answer him though. “Yeah, so sit and I'll make you a cup.” you find yourself letting out a frustrated huff. Walking away to sit at the table across from where Jungkook sat. your back to him as he makes the drinks quietly. He soon places the pretty blue mug in front of you. He sits across from you. He sips on his while he watches you stare into your mug. As if the chocolate beverage will jump at you. “Drink up.” Jungkook waits for you to follow what he said.

It takes you a while but you grab the mug and bring it to your lips. You take a deep breath and drink it slowly. The hot drink goes down smoothly. The chocolate sweetness fills your taste buds till they overflow. Fills your tummy till you feel warm all over. Then there's the bitterness of the chocolate. You find yourself enjoying the drink even wishing it had marshmallows to add a fluffy cuteness. You don't drink it all in one sip so you put the mug down. The heat of it makes it impossible to gulp down. 

“By the way it's just you and me here. It's going to be like that probably all day, until about 7pm. Just wanted to let you know that your precious Jimin won't be back till then.” he says to you. The bitterness in his tone sucking the sweetness that just entered you out. “I don't get why Jimin not being here is a problem for me?” you admit honestly. “Oh bullshit, you guys are weird with each other. So I just assumed you like… I don't know, ugh!” Jungkook tries to explain but can't. It frustrates him because he feels as if the anger he feels right now towards you is pointless.

Is it? Is his anger towards you unreasonable? You almost feel bad for some reason though you don't know what it is he is implying. Weird with each other? Do they find you weird with Jimin? You don’t know why they would. “Whatever, I got things to do today.” he says getting up. You hear him empty his mug and walk out. His footsteps lead upstairs to their room you suppose. 

You decide you’ll just stay in your room today. As you lay in your bed you can't help but wish you had books to occupy you. Your mind racing with thoughts because it has nothing to distract it. You just stare up at the ceiling as you try not to dwell on the hot chocolate. You enjoyed it, that's all that matters. It was good, it was hot and it was sweet. All of those things are nice so why does it feel bad? You won't let it though, wont let something so pleasant be something damaging.

~.~

The sounds of birds chirping have died down. The sun now has been covered by clouds. No longer a sunny day as the rain pours down. The droplets create a rhythm on top of the roof. You must have been asleep for maybe 5 hours because the clock on the wall says  it is now 1pm. Your brain must have gotten tired of thinking so many things so fast. From combating itself between two things.

You stand up and look out your window seeing the rain droplets that lay on it, some sliding down slowly. You watch them thinking back to when you lived with your fiancé. You used to watch the window when it rained feeling a sense of peace along with envy. The rain droplets got to disappear with the rise of the sun or the gusts of wind. Yet you have to exist until you can't no more. 

You want to drink some water, your mouth feeling dry along with your throat. Are you dehydrated? Even if you were, you wouldn't know the signs anyway. You walk in and see the kitchen empty, feeling a bit glad at that. You grab the blue mug you washed this morning and fill it with cold water. You chug it a bit fast, the coolness of it doing wonders for you. You hear Jungkook walk in and decide it's best to just finish your water and head back to your room. It seems you make him angry despite doing nothing but I guess you are doing something.

You as a person are burdensome and you've learned that long ago. So you know why he's angry, angry at someone like you. You finish your drink in silence as he takes out ingredients. You assume he must be cooking for when his pack gets home but it's too early for that. It would be cold by the time they get here. 

You place the mug on the drying rack and head back to your room. “I'm making lunch.” you turn back to find him staring at you. You just nod, unsure of what he wants you to do or say. “You're eating some.” he says pointing the wooden spoon at you that he is soon going to use. “I'm not hungry, I appreciate it though.” you decline kindly. “I didn't ask you, I said you are eating some.” he says clearly insistent. “But I'm not-” you go to protest. “When was your last meal?” he questions and your heart stops.

You feel as if you're on a stage with the brightest of light to shine on you as people watch and hear.  Watching as you stand still, frightened by the thought of answering or not. Hearing your shaking voice at such a small question. Your last meal? Could you ever consider what you ate with him as meals?

“I..I've ate meals.” you answer. Jungkook lets out a flabbergasted laugh at your response. He doesn't know why you lying about this is making him feel even more concerned. He shouldn't care but Jungkook isn't a mean person. He Isn't someone who treats others unkindly. He is someone who acts on emotion though. “Yeah, like what? Can you tell me what was your last meal?” he asks as he stirs something in a pot. “I don't have to tell you that.” he hums in response.

“It's an easy question.” you rub your knuckles finding this conversation suffocating. Easy? Easy for who? The question is harder than the concrete you fall onto that scrapes your knees as a child. “I eat obviously.” you motion to your body. Jungkook looks back at you and his once cold face now turned below temperature. Face so icy it could burn as if it was fire. “Don't joke that way.” he says almost in a growl, that is if omegas could growl. The sound he made being quite lower than a hiss. 

You just stand there frozen in your spot as he stares at you. His face is devoid of emotion. “Why don't you eat?” you find yourself laughing at his question. Though even to your ears your laugh sounds desperately strained, desperately afraid. “I do eat.” you reply. The lie almost feels as if it were true in your mind. You eat right? You ate those 7 banana chips and had hot chocolate. See you eat, but the more you think about it the more sick you feel. Sick that you're being caught in an act you love but hate. A sickness you despise but hug in your arms.

“Then eat what I'm cooking.” he says as if it's the smartest idea, like he solved it all. “I can’t.” you admit and go to walk away. “You can an-'' you stop and  turn around frustrated. “you don't get it!” you shout. He turns off the oven and lays the spoon on the counter. The food being long forgotten. “get what? because I'm pretty sure I do.” he says, crossing his arms. “No Jungkook you don't, you don't get it because you’re you and I'm me.” you try to explain simply but your heart is beating so fast. As if admitting these things is making it want to run, beat so much it bursts and its pain that’s connected to you will be gone. Then maybe you will be gone with it.

“Fuck is that supposed to mean?” he says angry at you implying something he can't understand. “you are you okay? That's enough of an example.” you say but he isn't letting up. “No it's not I don't get what you’re say-” you groan tears sitting in your eyes. Sitting there waiting to fall, waiting for the words you feel to be said so they can hear it. Hear how pathetic you are, that the body they lie in is one full of misery

“You're pretty! God Jungkook, you're beautiful okay? You can enjoy these things. You can enjoy the savory or sweet but I can't. Omegas should be beautiful and ones  like me don't get such a luxury so please just please..” you find yourself crying. The feeling being so humiliating, crying in front of people makes you appear fragile but aren't you just that? So fragile that even your own breaths hurt you, even your own tears burn your skin.

“Please just don't make me eat. I need this because then maybe I'll...'' you try to say words that sit on your tongue but they feel too heavy. Too thick to say that even your tongue won’t lift to say them. “Maybe you'll what?” Jungkook questions. You don't know though. You'll be pretty, grow thinner, be someone worthy of living. Wouldn't all of that sound so silly to someone who is all of those things? 

“What is beauty to you y/n?” he asks you and you are taken back. You think about it but the answer is already being said before you can stop it. “A monster.” he hums. “Who made it that way?” you sniffle, not wanting to answer him. Tell him about the man who gave you this scar, gave you these bruises and made you this way. “Him.” Jungkook nods. 

“Well fuck that guy. Fuck him and anyone else that made something soft be something detrimental. You shouldn't fucking believe people like that y/n.'' Jungkook says angrily. Is he angry at you? Probably, the way you stand in his kitchen declining his kind offer while taking up his space and now you're crying? Seeming pathetic and making the room echo with the sound of your ragged breaths. “Sorry.” you say trying to ease a tension you feel. “Sorry? Why are you sorry?” he continues when you don’t respond.

“Beauty is in everyone. No matter what you are or who you are. Beauty isn't a monster y/n. So get that out of your head. Beauty is in the way your lungs expand and help you breathe, in the way our scent spikes when we're happy and dull when we're sad.” he explains, hands moving with passion. The words he speaks must be words he believes to be true.

“Beauty is in the laughter we fill up rooms with. Beauty is in the food you eat that helps you survive. Beauty is in you as much as it is in me. So don't give me that ‘only pretty omega’ bullshit. Those words don't even make sense. So stop thinking them.” he says and you shake your head, is it that easy? It can't be when, “ but it's just I don't look like them. Never got to feel like them. So how could I ever say beauty is in me?” you say quietly.

Though you want to scream out to the god that gave you this body. Ask her why she chose such a thing, chose such a display. Make you the laughing stock to those who feel light on their feet.  How could you tell Jungkook that beauty hasn't visited you and created a home in the metaphorical heart in the center of your chest.

The tears you shed feel heavy as they fall, almost hearing a thud as they drop. “Sorry for crying, sorry.” You hear him walking close to you and you find yourself closing your eyes expecting to be hit  for crying in front of him, showing emotions you should keep hidden. Once again though nothing comes except for arms wrapping around your frame. Brown sugar surrounds you, the scent so strong this close. That it feels as if it's being injected into you, the sickly sweetness being a medicine that soothes. As if it's in your veins to calm you, mixing with the blood that has nothing pumping it. Filling it with a sense of words that aren't being said.

Jungkook doesn't know why he hugged you. Why is he still hugging you when he could have pulled away?  All he knows is that you are porcelain in a way that is cracked but manages to stay together. He knows you're strong yet easily breakable.

He pulls back and looks at you. “Beauty doesn't come and go. Beauty doesn't only choose one type of person. No matter the day, beauty has always and forever will be in you. And not to sound poetic and shit but-” he stops himself to look down at you but you haven't looked up at him yet. Eyes still centered to your feet. “Beauty is gentle and kind. It soothes or stings you in ways you don't realize. In the way your laughter makes your cheeks hurt, from the way tears make your eyes burn and even in the way your body is still kicking ass day by day y/n.  But you need to make it know it's okay to be just as it is, just as you are.” he finishes, voice changing to a whisper.

Soon though his voice goes back to good ol normal Jungkook. “So stop thinking dumb things like ‘only pretty omega's’ that sounds so stereotypical. So once again fuck the asshole made you believe stuff like that.” You stare up at him, eyes welling with more tears if that's even possible. You nod to him, taking his words to heart. You wish you were like Jungkook, strong, confident, and so badass.

You think he's so cool, a part of wishes and dreams you could be that one day.  He moves you to a chair and tells you to sit. “I'm just making soup okay? Something light.” you nod and he goes to cook it. You sit, exhaustion filling your body. You cried yes, but you haven't cried to or with someone in ages. Maybe that's why it feels so different.

As if a vine has wrapped around your finger as a ring to say that you too can grow. All you need is a bit of help, a bit of care to help you. You know this pack house is temporary for you but why have you felt the best you've had in years in the span of a week. They aren't your friends and they may just be being nice because Jimin knows you but it feels nice sharing a conversation with them. Even crying tears with a person who hates you feels better than shedding tears with someone who torments you.

Soon a bowl of soup is placed in front of you. The soup smelling of chicken and spices. Jungkook places hiss bowl across from you and goes to grab you two each a spoon. When he sits down he takes a bite after blowing it. You watch him and he looks back at you. “What?” you shake your head. “Nothing just…thank you.” you say to him. He grunts, taking another bite of soup.

You decide you'll take a bite as well. You don't even have the brain power to focus on the thoughts that are trying to eat at you. You blow on the spoon before eating it. Once it hits your tongue your eyes widen a bit. The flavors are so new it's as if they are dancing on your tongue. The warmth of the broth and the tenderness of the chicken being foreign to you. “Jungkook, this is really good!” you tell him honestly. 

Jungkook tries to hide his smile because he doesn't cook often. So he feels like his skills might be rusty. So your compliment is taken gratefully but you don't need to know that. “I mean yeah why wouldn't it be?” he smirks to himself when he hears you huff at him. “By the way this doesn't mean we're cool or anything.” he says, bringing your attention back to him. You were so focused on the cozy feeling settling in your tummy.

The soup makes you feel stuffed but so warm. Warm, warm, warmth! Such a fuzzy word and that's all you've been feeling lately.  You smile at him “yeah I figured you still hate me.” you giggle lightly. Though Jungkook knows you're joking he also knows you're serious. You think he hates you? He thinks about it and does he hate you? 

All he knows  is that he didn't like the sound of someone saying he hates them. Jungkook doesn't hate, even when people piss him off he doesn't necessarily hate them. A silence overtakes the two of you as he finishes up his bowl. You don't know what he wants you to do with the rest as you couldn't finish it. “Full?” he asks.

You nod and he gets up grabbing your bowl and putting it in the microwave. “It's in there if you want some later.” he says, washing his bowl. You get up and go to walk out the kitchen but stop. “Jungkook?” he grunts, not facing you. “Even though you hate me, thank you for today. I was a bit much so um..” you think of what more you want to say but feel embarrassed. So you cut yourself short. “ I don't know, okay bye bye.” you say before you walk away. He hears your door open and then you're gone, silent. 

Jungkook smiles and though he doesn't want to, he finds it staying on his face for a while. Jungkook may not like you or want you here but….maybe you're more bearable than he thought and maybe just maybe, he took note of your favorite color very thoroughly.  

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