Song Chord Jake Sully

song chord ✩ jake sully

masterlist ⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚

summary: jake sully x female!reader but no use of y/n, arranged marriage, sunshine!jake x grumpy!reader, kind of lmao. angst, jealousy, mentions of death, feelings of insecurities. fluff. <3 i think that is all, pls lmk if i missed anything 

word count: 5,112

tìyawn (n) - love

comments: first fic in a few months, first avatar fic ever <3 i really loved writing this, so i hope you all love it too, okay mwah mwah bye ⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚

You had not wanted your night to end like this, angrily picking at your song chord as your mother whispered to the elders of her desire to have you wed, and to the Olo’eyktan none the less. Every stone, every achievement, you had earned felt as though it was taken from you. Ripped from your fingers just as you were starting to enjoy the fruits of your labors.

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Cupid’s Chokehold (Part 7)

Azriel x Reader

Summary: You are a Cupid, a nearly extinct creature of Prythian. When you get caught trying to shoot Elain with your arrow, well, it’s a little hard to explain what you’re trying to do.

Warnings: N/A

Word Count: 2,811

[Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3] [Part 4] [Part 5] [Part 6]

Notes: The finale 😭 Please enjoy 💙

_________________________________________

It’s that revelation that makes him rethink everything.

Had he really been do dumb as to not notice what was happening between the two of you? The cheeky banter between the two of you, you getting on his nerves and him getting on yours. The almost kiss you’d shared when he had been cleaning your wound. The wound he had a hand in giving you. The heightened emotions he felt when it had anything to do with you, Eris’ threats or Rhys’ scolding, he didn’t care about any of that as long as you were okay.

Or had you just made another general assumption about love?

Azriel could admit that your words were convincing, even if he didn’t fully believe in the entirety of what your species was doing. And seeing Eris agree, having a sour experience with your kind, had made the shadowsinger rethink everything you had said, for he would never admit that the Autumn Lordling was right in any way, shape, or form.

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bold take but i think we normalize the concept of never moving on too much?? like i’ve seen people online who’re like “yeah i broke up with my ex 7 years ago and i’m STILL stuck on them” and that is so terrifying. do you realize how short life is. it’s literally too short to be stuck on a certain chapter of your life for years and years

Always (2)

Pair: Azriel x Reader

Word Count: 1.7k

Warnings: Language (?) and angst

Summary: Y/n takes some time to reflect on the decision she needs to make and confronts Azriel.

A/N: Ask and you shall receive, I tagged those of you who asked for a part 2. Let me know what you think <3

Also available on Wattpad and AO3

Masterlist - Part 1

You were gone. No one had heard from you for a whole 2 weeks and to say they were confused was an understatement. One second you were laughing along with them, wine drunk with Azriel by your side helping you stay steady enough to watch the stars fall, and the next you had given them no sign of life. Azriel could feel from the bond that you were in fact alive, you just needed your space and so that was what he told the others.

He left out the part that he had royally fucked up in his delivery but you hadn't given him the chance to explain himself, you had always known when something was wrong and as closed off as he might be, you were the only one who could read him like a book.

You closed yourself off in your apartment, and when you were in need of fresh air you went out for a walk by the sidra, you tried out new places that were opening up around Velaris. Everything and anything to keep your mind off of him no matter how much you needed to way out your options.

You were engaged. To Eris of all fae. Eris was your sister's fiancee once upon a time too, not that you wanted him in the first place. You couldn't help but think that Mor's tragic history was now your plot line.

You and Eris worked together to infiltrate Keir's secrets in the court of nightmares, your father trusted him and because you allowed yourself to be under his control, the result was your betrothal to the heir of the Autumn Court. It worked in everyone's favor, though when you had told the rest of your family it had not gone over so well. Mor couldn't be in the same room as you- much less you and Eris- for months.

Eventually, you had opened up on the advantages it would serve, Eris was already allied with the night court privately now no one in the court of nightmares could suspect your deception. It was a whole twisted mess of double-crossings.

You and Eris teamed up as a couple pretending to be spying on the inner circle and feeding false information to the enemy while in reality, you were spying on your father, giving Rhysand everything. It was enough to give you a headache. Now adding Azriel into the mix- Would ruin everything you worked so hard to build.

All these years of faking your loyalty and devotion to your father with everything he has done to you and your sister so that you can be the eyes and ears in places your high lord cannot, the one goal in your ruse was to be free of him without breaking what you built. Eris was the way to do that, he was technically on your side and you've spoken of the past, he was a handsome male that could please you just fine.

It didn't matter that he wasn't the one you wanted because, for all you knew at the time, the one you longed for's heart, beat for someone else.

You had never known Azriel to be selfish but lately, he had made it a new habit that you weren't so sure about. How dare he? How dare he do this to you!

The audacity of this man! Azriel would cost you everything and you would pay for it, willingly. He hadn't needed to speak for you to know what he wanted from you.

What you would have given to have him reach for you the way he did that night. The way you pined for him, in your 500 years of living your heart beat for no other male. Fae, Illyrian, both, human, even High Lord at one point. No one could compare to Azriel. Your mind, body, and soul were are his. However, it was time you gave up your unofficial claim on him he wasn't yours nor you his- or so you thought.

Nothing would become of this childish infatuation you grew accustomed to. And so you worked to keep your thoughts on your future without him, a future you knew where Azriel would find someone who would love him.

A century later and here you were, clutching your chest to keep from the panic crawling up your throat.

If only this had happened sooner-

Before it got so messy before you accepted Eris' proposal and appeared before your father claimed your hand. He so eagerly accepted, his hunger for power clear in his eyes, so blind for it that he's unaware of the upper hand you and your soon-to-be husband have.

If only he had loved you when you didn't have all these responsibilities that a relationship- mateship with him would tear down.

After a week of shutting yourself out, you spoke to Eris. He knew all about your feelings for Azriel and though he was jealous, you were his- at the time. When you told him you needed to speak to him he already knew. He gave you one last kiss before making a smartass remark about how he'd be there when you got bored.

You didn't know how you were going to deal with your father just yet but you would clean up one mess at a time.

Days later you finally gathered up the courage to speak to him. It was almost dusk when you had opened up the bond and willed him to come to you. The wind brought him to the middle of your sitting room within a minute.

His head was bent, he looked like a little boy who was caught in the pantry. You sighed and took his hand leading him to your couch and pushing down his broad shoulders for him to sit in the middle. His brows furrowed in confusion as you backed away and intertwined your fingers.

"I am going to talk and you are going to listen," Your eyes flickered between both of his hazel ones. "Got it?"

He nodded eagerly, though he wouldn't meet your gaze.

"I cannot accept the bond-" From your side of the link, you felt his heart clench, "Not yet at least. I need to know this is real Az."

You could tell he wanted to speak but you knew that he wouldn't, not until you've said your peace. Tears begin to well up at how hard it was to say this out loud, "I will always love you. More than you will ever know Azriel, but I will not be a replacement for all the women you could not have. For all, I've known you never showed the slightest bit of interest in me prior to Starfall. Now I'm going to ask you- and I want the truth Az- Do you want this?"

His eyes were glossed over as he looked up at you through his lashes, "Do you want me?" Your voice broke.

He stood from his place on your couch, sauntering over to you, and he reached a hand out. Fingertips softly brushed fallen strands of your hair from your face, behind your ear, tracing a finger from your ear to your jaw. Slowly and painfully he dragged his finger to the tip of your chin forcing your eyes to meet his and you are weak.

"I have been so blind Y/n," He whispers.

"That's not an answer," You shake your head, and he drops his hand. Your voice was like stone though your nerves were on fire, "Do you love me Azriel?"

"I love you, Y/n L/n."

You wanted so badly to believe him. The thought of the mating bond forcing him to make him feel this way made you sick. "What about Elain?"

Azriel winced but spoke cooly, "An infatuation that is over and done."

"And Mor?"

"I loved her," Your stomach turned. "But the love I had for her, in that way, is gone and it does not compare to how I feel for you. The bond does nothing but intensify the love I have for you, the love that I have hidden away long ago."

"How am I supposed to believe that?" You scoff. "You forget that I've been there Az, throughout everything. You are not shy with your love, I should know, I've seen the way you love."

He shakes his head in denial, "I love you Y/n."

"What happens if one day Mor decides she loves you?" Something you knew would never actually happen but you needed to know.

"I love you-"

"Azriel-"

"I love you."

You playfully push him away from you, "You can't keep saying that when you have nothing to back it up with." He takes a hold of your waist with one hand and grabs the back of your neck, attaching his lips to yours. He kisses you with an intensity you've never felt from any other male, you melt into the kiss wrapping your arm around his shoulder and running your hands through his hair. Your body was pressed against his, adding heat to a situation you weren't sure you wanted to add to. His lips were intoxicating, you didn't want to stop but your mind wouldn't stop thinking about all the unanswered questions.

You broke away from the kiss, pushing him an arm's length away. "You said I talked too much."

He barked out a laugh, "What?"

"You told me that a couple of years ago," He took a step toward you but your arm held strong.

"I love you Y/n."

"I snore-"

"No you don't," Azriel snorted and removed your hand from his shoulder, bringing you into him with an arm. He pressed kisses up and down your neck, "I thought you wanted me to prove my love and here you are trying to give me reasons not to love you."

Azriel added his tongue to his kisses and began to suck on one spot in particular that had your knees weak.

"You said it yourself that I'm too much for you."

He paused his attack on your neck holding your face in his large hands, "Because I love you and you deserve better. Besides, I've dealt with you for well over two centuries I think I can deal with you for the rest of my life."

"I need you to prove it."

"I'll prove it to you for as long as I live," Azriel bent his neck down to press a chaste kiss to your lips.

"Promise?"

"I promise."

Taglist: @mulansaucey - @jadepearsonn - @benbarnes-supremacy - @seppys-return-to-madness - @azriel-luvr - @marina468 - @zealousballoonfox

Coming Home Series Index

Summary: Azriel x Reader series. You’re Rhysand’s younger sister and the person who’s been in love with Azriel for, like, ever. After an entire century running away from your feelings for the Shadowsinger, and the sting of his rejection, you decide to finally return home to Velaris for Winter Solstice. You’re older, more mature — and still totally enamoured by him. Chaos is bound to ensue…

✨ - indicates smut.

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six ✨

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen ✨

Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Seventeen ✨

Bonus Chapter 1 - Starfall

Bonus Chapter 2 - Lucien’s Cottage ✨

Bonus Chapter 3 - In the Dead of Solstice Night ✨

Better Off Broken PART TWO

this is the second and final part to better off broken, so click the link to read that first

synopsis: Spencer Reid finally gets a chance to meet his little boy’s teacher after always being away on a case for all the other opportunities. Though, the single father Dr. Reid was not expecting his son’s kindergarten teacher to be a charming young woman who might possibly make him forget the vow he took to swear off romantic involvements. (dual point of view). (not edited so excuse errors)

content warnings: past relationship trauma, a little bit of self deprecation, 18+ scenes, fluff…

Spencer and I have been texting quite a bit lately. It’s usually just to catch up and talk about Atlas, but it’s still nice.

I want to ask him out on a real date, but I’m not even sure how I would go about that. We’ve only known each other a month and a half, and I don’t even know if he feels the same way I do. I’m not sure if I want to know.

If I don’t know how he feels, I can keep this little fantasy in my head where we’re secretly pining after each other.

But every time we text or he comes into my classroom when he’s picking Atlas up (which has only been twice, but it still happened), I think about asking him out, just ripping the bandaid off.

I feel something between us, a type of connection, but I don’t know if he feels it too. We get a little flirty sometimes (or at least I think it’s flirty), but it never goes past that. It’s always just a few smiles and some slightly suggestive - not in a sexual way - words, but never more than that.

The Valentine’s day party is coming up, and Spencer has already told me he’ll be there. I’m excited to see him again, but I worry that I’ll make it obvious that I like him. Although, maybe I should make it obvious. Maybe I should ask him out that day. It would be pretty ballsy. I think I’m just going to fucking do it.

—————

“Are you excited for the Valentine’s day party, Atlas?” I ask my son as I lace up my red converse.

He’s already dressed and waiting for me by the door, per usual. He nods, checking his watch. This kid is so much like me, it’s scary.

“Since it’s not until later, I’ll drop you off then I’m going to pick up some supplies just in case Ms. Y/n needs more, okay?”

“Okay,” Atlas says with one nod of his head.

“You’re a man of many words, A,” I chuckle softly, a bright smile on my face. I adore this little boy with every ounce of my being.

Atlas waits for me to finish getting ready then he grabs my hand and we head down to my car. Eventually, I’ll get us a house. I’ve been saving half of my paycheck every month for things like that. Maybe I’ll buy a house in the suburbs close to the school. I think Atlas would like to have a backyard to himself. Not that he’s the type of kid to play outside in the dirt, but he likes to read outside and listen to the birds chirp.

I convinced Atlas to wear a red button up today just to be a little festive. He agreed even though he usually wears blue on Tuesdays.

I drive him to school and make sure he gets to the building okay before I head to the store. I’ve never stepped foot in a Hobby Lobby, but I want to help Y/n just in case she needs it.

I grab a bunch of little Valentine’s day decorations for the kids to put on their boxes. I definitely look silly doing this, but I don’t mind.

“These for anyone special?” The young lady at the register asks me as she scans the items.

“I-uh no. They’re for my son’s class,” I say, but my cheeks turn the color of the red hearts. They’re technically for Y/n, and she is someone special. But I barely admit that to myself, let alone out loud.

“You’re a dad? There’s no way, you look so young,” she chuckles softly, twirling her hair around her finger.

She’s flirting with me. I used to not be able to detect things like that, but I’ve gotten better at reading people. Being a behavioral analyst helped with that.

“Thanks,” I say nonchalantly and pay for the decorations. I leave quickly then head to the grocery store to get some cookies for the class.

Eventually, it’s time to head to the school for the party. I’m one of the first parents there.

“Dr. Reid,” Y/n smiles and takes the box of cookies I bought. “You are just a helpful man, huh?”

I grin softly. “I do the best I can.”

“Nice tie,” she looks up at me, taking my pink tie in her hand. I resist the urge to tell her to pool me down by it then kiss her right then and there. Good thing I’m a professional at self control now.

“Thank you,” I chuckle slightly.

Eventually, all the parents that could make it are here and we start helping the kids decorate their card boxes.

Atlas and I made cards last night for all his classmates. We put little heart shaped suckers into the animal themed Valentine’s Day cards.

It takes nearly two hours for all the kids to finish decorating their boxes, the classroom is a mess of paper, glitter glue, felt hearts, and more. The kids go around, slipping their cards into everyone’s boxes.

Atlas seems to be having a good time. He decorated his box as neatly as he could. He’s very particular about things.

Eventually, the kids clean up a little bit and school is let out. The parents say goodbye to Ms. Y/n and the other parents, and it’s just me, Atlas, and Y/n in here.

“The parties always make my room a wreck,” she laughs softly, brushing her hair out of her face.

“We can help clean up,” I say.

“You don’t have to do that. I’ve got this,” she assures me.

“Hmm. Nope. I think we’re going to help. Aren’t we, Atlas?”

My son nods. “Mhm.”

Y/n chuckles, shaking her head. God, I’ve got to stop staring at her.

“Fine, but no complaining since you wanted this, Dr. Reid,” she points an accusing finger at me.

I raise my hands in the air innocently. “Yes ma’am.”

Atlas and I help her clean up for at least half an hour. Kids are messy.

“Thank you so much,” Y/n sighs, tossing her hair out of her face. “You’re an angel.”

Little does she know she looks like an angel, and I’d like her to show me heaven for a night.

I blush, and look down at my shoes. “I’m always happy to help.”

“Atlas did you have fun?” She asks.

“Yes ma’am,” he nods, a slight smile on his face. He’s holding his decorated box.

She smiles at him. “Good!” Then she turns her attention back to me. “I have something for you.”

“For me?” I raise my eyebrows.

“Mhm. But you’re not allowed to look at it until you get home.”

“Well, now I’m intrigued,” I chuckle.

“No cheating, doc.” She grabs something from her desk then slips it into my front pocket.

I can’t help but notice the smell of her hair and tingle at her touch, even if it was through clothes. It’s been way too long since I’ve been touched. Lily was the last person I even kissed.

And as much as I want to pull Y/n into me right now, I have a promise to keep. A promise to myself and to my son.

“Do not open it until you’re home,” she says again, stern voiced.

“Okay, okay,” I laugh softly.

She grins up at me. “Drive safe.”

“You too. Are you leaving right now, we can walk you out?”

“No, I’ve got to do some lesson planning. But thank you for the offer,” Y/n says sweetly.

Atlas and I make it home about fifteen minutes later, and he sits down on the couch with a book.

“What are you thinking for dinner, bud?” I ask him, looking in the fridge for what I could cook later.

“Spaghetti,” he tells me. “What did the note say?”

“Note?” I know what he’s talking about, but for some reason I feel the need for him to clarify.

“From Ms. Y/n.”

“I haven’t read it yet,” I tell him.

“She said to open it when you get home. We’re home.”

I laugh a little. He’s a very straight forward young man.

“I’ll open later, buddy,” I say, looking over at him sitting on the couch. Well, I look at the back of his head.

I take the beef out of the freezer for it to thaw then join my son on the couch. The note in my pocket is burning a hole through the fabric of my pants. I’m pretty certain I have an idea of what it says, and I’m not ready to reject her.

After dinner, while Atlas is in the shower - he showers on his own, but keeps the door open so I can hear if he needs me - I take the note out of my pocket. I unfold it and my heart both flutters and drops at the same time.

It doesn’t take me long to decipher the “code” of the note. She wrote the words “Will you go on a date with me?” using elements from the period table and only putting their atomic mass. She’s definitely using my love for chemistry to win me over.

It’s the cheesiest, most nerdy Valentine’s Day card I’ve ever seen. I would absolutely love it if six years ago I didn’t swear off relationships and dating. I do absolutely love it actually, but I can’t agree to what it asks.

As much as I want to ignore it and pretend like she didn’t ask me this question, I know I have to let her down sooner than later. It’s the gentlemanly thing to do.

After I get Atlas to bed and I’m in my pjs, I call her. My stomach is knotted tightly. I hate myself for this.

—————

“Spencer, hey!” I answer the phone once I see his contact pop up on my screen. “You must’ve read the note.”

“I did,” he admits, but the tone in his voice makes me want to figure out a way to take the note back through the screen.

“And?” I question, my intestines tying themselves in knots.

He sighs. Shit. “Y/n… I- I can’t.”

“Right,” I laugh awkwardly. “You know, just- uh forget I asked. Which I guess technically I didn’t ask, the note did.” More awkward laughs spill out of me. “Anyway…”

“It’s not as if I don’t want to. I just can’t. I hope you understand?”

“Yeah, no, sure. Totally,” I ramble. Oh my God what am I saying? “It’s all good.”

“I’m sorry,” he says, and it makes me want to slam my head into the headboard behind me.

“No!” I practically yell into his ear. “No worries. It’s okay.”

“Okay…”

“It’s getting late, huh? I should probably go to bed. Goodnight.” I hang up before he can even get the ‘G’ sound out in response.

Embarrassing. As. Fuck.

How the hell am I going to see him again and not melt into a puddle of humiliation right in the spot?

And what the fuck does he mean by he ‘can’t’? He said it’s not that he doesn’t want to. So he wants to, but he can’t? What does he have a girlfriend I don’t know about? I feel like I would know if he did.

In my head, before I have him the note, this went a lot better. He got home and read it then called me right away with a date and a time he’d pick me up. I’d wear a pretty dress, one that I haven’t been able to wear in forever because I haven’t had an occasion to do so. He would wear a suit like he was the first time I met him. We’d both agree to not have sex because it’s too soon, but he’d kiss me at the doorstep, maybe for a little too long.

But movies, books, and tv are fucking liars because instead of that, I got a “I can’t.” What the hell kind of story is this?

I lean back into my bed and let out a dramatic sigh. I shouldn’t have asked him out. We could’ve just stayed friends.

I just thought I wasn’t alone in the attraction. I thought he felt something too. Apparently I am really bad at reading people. Good think he’s the profiler, and I’m not.

But hey, if I ruined our friendship at least it wasn’t a long standing one. We’ve only been friends for almost two months.

Still, I’ll be sad to see him go. He’s nice to talk to. He’s smart, intimidatingly so, and he’s the most gentlemanly person I’ve ever met. Every time we talk, he asks how I’m doing, and I know it’s not just a formality, he genuinely cares. And hell, he’s not a bad sight to look at. Okay, he’s a very pleasing sight to look at.

Maybe I was mistaking friendly feelings for the romantic kind, but we’ve been flirting for at least a month, so I thought we shared a mutual liking/attraction to each other.

Perhaps he’s the type to flirt with people and it mean nothing. Maybe he’s just one of those guys who’s friendly and accidentally flirts. I may never know because the only time I’ve seen him interact with other women was in the classroom, and he obviously wasn’t flirting with the moms.

But in order to not lose our friendship, I can pretend like I wasn’t embarrassed out of my mind as long as he can pretend I never asked him out. It can just be something we sweep under the rug and leave there to suffocate.

The next few weeks are still awkward, but Spencer and I still talk, well text. Written communication is much less confrontational than verbal.

Spencer: Do you want to grab lunch on Saturday? I need to talk to you.

Oh fuck, here we go. The awkward “You’ve ruined our friendship, and it’s not the same anymore” talk. I know this one all too well because my I had to have it with one of my old best friends.

We were friends for years and years, then out of the blue, he kissed me. Honestly, I always thought he was gay because he never had a girlfriend, but apparently it was because he liked me - or was in love with me as he claimed.

But we were best friends, and I couldn’t see him as anything else. He made a point to not talk to me after I rejected his kiss, and if we did talk, it was full of short, choppy sentences on his end.

Eventually, I had to give him the aforementioned talk. It was painful for both sides.

And now I feel it coming from Spencer.

Good thing Spring Break is now approaching, and I won’t have to face him or Atlas for a whole week, not that any of this has to do with Atlas.

“Y/n,” Spencer starts. His sitting across from me at the cafe we chose to have lunch at. He looks amazing in the sweater he’s wearing, and I really wish I could put a bag over his head so I couldn’t see him; but then again I’d still see his body and his body is just as pretty as his face.

“Spencer,” I say awkwardly, trying to force out a little laugh.

He starts to talk at the same time I’m trying to say something else.

“Go ahead,” he says. Always the gentleman.

“No, you go,” I insist. “You said we need to talk, so you can talk.”

He sighs softly, some of his hair blowing back from the air. “I’m sorry.”

This time I do laugh a little. “You’re sorry? Sorry for what?”

“I’m sorry I made this so weird.”

“You made this weird? I’m the one who asked you out. If anyone made it weird, it’s me,” I say with another chuckle.

This time he joins me in the soft laugh. Spencer shakes his head. “No, no. You didn’t. I just didn’t know how to handle things after that. It’s on me for being immature about it.”

Stop making me fall for you, you asshat. “It’s not big deal. Really,” I say with an assuring smile.

He smiles back, and I’m pretty sure I could be blinded by that pretty of a sight. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” I nod. “We can just pretend it never happened. I would say forget, but one of us has an eidetic memory.”

Spencer grins, rolling his eyes. “Well, that one sounds like a real pain in the ass.”

“He is,” I chuckle.

We’re back. I think.

He laughed too, and for a minute, we hold eye contact. Something in those hazel eyes tells me he wasn’t lying when he said “It’s not as if I don’t want to.” Because if I know men at all, and I’m pretty sure I do at least a little bit, it looks like Spencer definitely wants to go on that date, maybe more than that. His eyes rake down to my v neck of my top.

“Anyway,” I say with an awkward chuckle, breaking whatever the hell just happened between us. “How’s your sabbatical been?”

Spencer’s eyes snap back up to mine. “It’s been great. It’s really nice to get to be with Atlas, but I am ready to go back to work next week.”

“Next week already? Wow, time is flying by.”

“Yes, yes it is,” he nods. “Before we know it, the school year will be over”

“Oh God, don’t say that,” I laugh softly.

“I’m not ready for Atlas to be in grade school. How is he getting so old?” Spencer says, shaking his head with disbelief.

“It’s crazy how years go by so fast,” I agree. “I’m not ready to not have him in class. You didn’t hear this, but he’s my favorite.”

Spencer grins. “Your secret’s safe with me.”

—————

So I am a fucking dumbass. That’s the conclusion i’ve made after 40 years of being considered a genius.

I’m a dumbass because six years ago I made a promise, and now I want to break it. No, I crave to break it.

This woman is making me crazy. She’s consuming my mind, and the only way to not think about her is to distract myself with something else.

Which means it’s a good thing I’m back at work now. I’m on the jet, flying to Missouri and sitting next to Emily and Luke. I’m staring out the window and thinking about two things: Atlas and Y/n. Which seems to be my entire mind lately.

Atlas is at school, and Florence, his nanny, will he picking him up and taking care of him until I get home. I trust her, have for years, but every time I’m not there, I worry my mind off. Hell, I worry my mind off when I am there.

And then there’s Y/n. Y/n who every time I see, I want to grab her face in my hands and press my lips to hers. Y/n who I’d be willing to risked getting shamed upon for being with my son’s teacher just to be with her. Y/n who I can’t have because I can’t have anyone.

Maybe my promise was a good thing because I sure as hell don’t deserve her. She’s too good for me. In every way.

Maybe Lily was right to leave me. Maybe I’m too much or not enough. Y/n deserves better than what I could give her.

“You okay over there, kid?” Luke asks, eyebrows furrowed as he looks at me.

I glance over at him and nod. It’s a little funny how they still call me kid when I have my own child. That’s beside the point though.

“You sure? You look like you’re contemplating existence.”

“Maybe I am,” I shrug with a short laugh.

He looks at me even more worried.

“I was kidding, Luke.”

“But something’s up. I can tell,” he says.

“It’s not a big deal. I’ll get over it.”

“If it’s got you looking like this, then it is a big deal,” Emily chimes in.

I look over to my right, giving her a thin lipped smile. “It’s nothing.”

“You’re such a liar.”

“Fine,” I groan. “It’s… a woman.”

“Oh my God. The good doctor has lady problems?” Luke laughs.

“And that’s why I was being quiet,” I roll my eyes.

“Ignore him, go on,” JJ says.

The entire jet is now interested in my issues. Great.

I take an exasperated breath. “I like this woman… really like her…”

“That doesn’t seem like an issue,” Emily says questioningly.

“Unless she doesn’t like you back?” Luke asks.

“Well, she asked me out,” I inform them.

JJ raised her brows. “Yeah, I’m really not seeing the problem here. The girl you like asked you out. Isn’t that a good thing?”

This does probably sound stupid. They don’t know the reason why I haven’t dated anyone since Lily. In fact, I don’t think they know the real reason why Lily and I broke up. Im sure they figured it out though.

Morgan knew. And it’s times like these where I wish I still saw him every day because I think he would understand what I’m trying to say right now.

“Because I can’t be with anyone.”

“What does that mean?” Rossi asks.

“I can’t date anyone. It’s just… I don’t know how to explain it.”

“Because of Atlas?” JJ asks softly. “Because I know he’s young, but he’s mature. I think he would understand if you started dating someone. He’d understand that she isn’t his mom, but you care for her.”

JJ’s a mother. She gets this. Part of it at least.

“I can’t bring someone into his life that may not be there permanently,” I say in a low voice. “I don’t want him to be sad because I brought someone into his life that isn’t going to be there forever. He’s different. He doesn’t process things the way other people do.

I can tell by the way they’re looking at me that they know I’m not just talking about Atlas; I’m talking about myself. I let someone in that isn’t here to stay. I’m not sure if I can handle someone leaving again. Not after there’s been so many: my dad, Elle, Gideon, Emily more than once, and then Lily.

I hate the looks of sympathy my friends/coworkers are giving me. I want to hide away and push this out of my mind.

“Spencer,” Tara says gently. “You can’t not allow yourself to be happy just because there’s a chance at potential heartbreak. That’s just how life works. We let people in, and they either stay a part of our lives or they don’t. And nine times out of ten, when they don’t it’s a good thing.”

“Are those real statistics or guesses?” I ask, raising an eyebrow.

“Spencer!” Emily rolls her eyes, but laughs a little.

“Sorry,” I chuckle. “Okay. Can we stop talking about my thing now? Let’s change the subject.”

“If you promise to think about it.”

“Think about what?” I ask.

“Letting her in. Giving it a chance,” Tara tells me.

I nod my head that’s that. We change the topic.

—————

It’s Spring Break, and Spencer and I haven’t talked in a week and a half. I’m not sure what’s up with him, but I don’t want to brother him in case he’s working.

So instead, I occupy my time with books, friends, and iced coffee. The usual, really.

I wish I knew what went on inside Spencer’s mind. At least about me. His words say one thing but his eyes say another.

He says he can’t and that we’re just friends, but when he thinks I’m not paying attention, I catch him looking at me for a little too long. I catch his eyes raking down my body. With any other man I’d be a little offended, but I want him to undress me with his eyes. I want him to picture me without my pretty blouses and cute pants. I want him to enjoy the thought.

I’m starting to think about him way too much. Maybe I’m touched starved or suffering from attention deprivation, but I want him even more now than I did before.

But I don’t just want him for his looks or for his sex appeal. I want him for him. Because he’s a great person, and I think he’d make an excellent boyfriend.

But maybe he doesn’t want a girlfriend. Maybe he just wants to stay single or focus on Atlas, which is totally understandable. Or maybe he’s had a bad history with relationships; I may not be a profiler like him, but I kind of sense some relationship baggage. And then there’s the possibility that he just doesn’t like me, but (not to sound cocky) I doubt it.

Maybe I should just quit pining over him. Men with emotional baggage aren’t exactly the best in relationships. They’re projectors. I don’t think Spencer would be this way, but I don’t really know do I?

The much needed week off is way too short, and I’m back in the classroom with the kiddos. After math and science, I let them tell me and each other what they did over the break.

Atlas says his daddy was gone to work, but he seems happy when the kids say his dad being an FBI agent is really cool.

Speaking of his dad, I wonder how he’s doing or if he’s back home. We haven’t texted in a while, and I’m starting to feel like I’ve done something wrong. I decide to text him to see what’s up.

—————

Y/n’s name and number pop up on my phone screen, and I can’t help but smile a little. I’ve missed her.

Y/n: Hey, what’s up?

Spencer: Just waiting for school to get out. I got home late yesterday, so Atlas was already in bed.

Y/n: Awh I’m sorry. I’m sure he’s excited to see you. And this is going to sound a little silly but I almost thought you ghosted me.

Ghosting: When a person cuts off all communication with their friends or the person they're dating, with zero warning or notice before hand.

I know this slang term from being around the younger generations so much on cases.

A ping of guilt jabs me in the chest. She thought I was blowing her off. I find myself not wanting her to feel any type of sadness ever again.

Spencer: What? No, of course not. I’ve just been busy.

Y/n: If you want to get together to catch up, I’m free this weekend?

Spencer: I don’t think I can this weekend. I’m taking Atlas to the zoo. He likes animals.

I realize it may sound like I’m blowing her off.

Spencer: Next weekend may work for me though. If the offer still stands?

Y/n: See you next weekend:)

I smile to myself.

I haven’t been that busy. Well, I have but not too busy to not text. The truth is, I’ve been avoiding her a little. I still don’t know what to do about the promise and me liking her, so I’ve been pushing her aside. I feel bad, really bad, but I don’t know what else to do.

For all I know, she’s probably lost interest in me by now. I turned her down, and I know some people are able to move on really fast after that. What if she’s already seeing someone else?

Now, a ping of jealousy jabs at my chest.

God, I’m a mess.

“So how was work?” Y/n asks me, a friendly smile on her face. A smile I have grown to adore.

“It was good. This case took a little longer than expected, but overall it was successful,” I inform her.

She nods, taking a sip from her coffee.

“How was your work?” I ask.

“It’s been good. The kids are progressing, some more than others, but that’s how it always is,” she says.

Just as I’m about to say something else, she says, “I think the school is talking about moving Atlas up to second grade next year, but you didn’t hear that from me. They’re planning to call you and see what your thoughts are.”

“Really?” I grin softly. “Wow. I mean he’s already younger than the kids in his class, but I suppose that’s a hypocritical reason for me to say no. I was 12 when I graduated.”

“High school?” Her pretty eyes widen at me.

I can’t help but chuckle. “Mhm.”

“Damn, Spencer. I knew you were brilliant, but damn. That’s five years younger than I was. Five whole years,” she laughs with disbelief.

I blush, enjoying the slight praise she’s giving me.

The lunch goes on, and the two of us talk about whatever our words lead to next.

“Hey, Atlas,” I call for my son then pat the couch cushion next to me. “Come here.”

He puts his action figure down and joins me on the couch.

“I have to ask you something.”

“What?” He looks up at me curiously.

“So you know how I told you promises are meant to be kept?”

He nods, looking at me as if to ask “Where is this going, Dad?”

“So Daddy made a promise a while ago, and I’m not sure if I should still keep it.”

“It depends on the promise,” he says. Not what I was expecting. “Would breaking it hurt anyone?”

“Not physically, but there’s a potential that it might emotionally later down the road,” I tell him.

Atlas ponders on that.

“But it may not. And it may make me very happy.”

“If it makes you happy, then I think it’s okay. But I don’t know, you did promise.”

Exactly where I’m at on this situation, kid.

“What if I did a trial run, huh?” I ask. “I break the promise just for a little bit, and if it goes well, the promise is long forgotten.”

“But, Daddy you said you don’t forget anything.”

“Metaphorically forgotten,” I correct myself.

He nods. “Okay.”

“Okay?”

Atlas nods again. “What was the promise?”

“How about I tell you if it’s metaphorically forgotten?”

He furrows his eyebrows. “Fine. Can I go read now?”

“Yep,” I nod and ruffle his wavy hair.

I’m going to talk to her soon. I’m going to break, well, bend the promise. If things go smoothly, then it’s broken for good. But if not, then I’ll put a bandaid on that damn promise and never bend it again.

That’s a lot of pressure.

Good thing Easter is coming up. Y/n isn’t having a full easter party for the kids and parents, but I know she’s doing something for just the kids. So I have a plan.

—————

I’m done with this shit. I know there’s something between us, and he can’t deny it anymore. He can turn me down again, but he can’t say there isn’t some type of spark going through the both of us.

Text time I see him, I’m going to tell him to quit being a child and start owning up to it. It just may be a little difficult to be stern when he’s so goddamn pretty.

There’s a knock on my classroom door just as I’m packing up to leave. I just cleaned the room since Easter eggs and plastic grass was scattered across the floor.

I open the door. Spencer. Well, maybe this is my time.

“Hey,” he says with a soft grin.

“Hey, where’s Atlas?” I ask.

“I just dropped him off for a play date with Henry and Michael…. we need to talk.”

“Yes we do,” I say. I decide to go for it. “Me first. Spencer, you can’t keep pretending that there isn’t something between us,” I gesture from me to him and back to me with my pointer finger. “You can reject me all you want, but I know the truth. I like you. I want you. And I know you feel something like that too, so can you please just for one minute stop with the ‘I can’ts’ and ‘We’re just friends’ bullshit, because that’s what it is. Bullshit. And I know you’ve probably been through something that’s made you this way, but it’s okay to let people in. Actually in life, we kind of all have to suck it up and let people in.”

He laughs softly. Actually laughs. My face turns beat red, and I’m both embarrassed and angry. This isn’t funny.

“Are you done?” He asks, and I kind of want to strangle him for that.

“Excuse me?”

“I mean,” Spencer chuckles, licking his lips. “Is that all? Because what I’m about to do has to do with what you just said, but I don’t want to cut you off.”

For a moment, I think he’s going to kiss me, but instead he hands me something.

“What the hell am I supposed to do with an Easter egg, Spencer? Do you know how many of these I’ve cleaned up today.”

He chuckles again, running a hand through his hair. “Open it.”

Expecting to find chocolate, I open the pink and yellow egg. There’s a folded up piece of paper. I unfold it, and a grin grows on my face when I read it. I shake my head, laughing softly.

The note reads:

Yes, I will go on a date with you.

And there’s a drawn on Easter bunny to the side of the sentence. He definitely drew it himself.

“You know,” he says, “if the offer still stands.”

I fight the urge to scream “Yes!” in his face. “I don’t know. Usually response times take less than an hour. This one took two months.”

Spencer’s face turns red, and he chuckles nervously. “Do I not get a grace period?”

“I suppose,” I say dramatically. “Only because you’re so cute.”

The red of his face deepens. “Oh yeah?”

Butterflies. Everywhere.

“Mhm. Now ignore what I said earlier because I’m a little embarrassed.”

Spencer grins. “Hmm no. It was kind of hot.”

I walk up to him, my arms resting on top of his shoulders. “Oh?”

“Mhm. Badass,” he nods, smiling down at me.

I stare up at him, my breath getting caught in my throat when I see him lean down closer to me. His face is not even an inch away from mine. He’s still hesitant, still anxious.

It’s me who closes the gap between our lips. I may have been the one to kiss him first, but he takes the lead. His lips are crashing into mine as if he’s been waiting for a long time to do this. I know I have. His hands are cupping the sides of my face, and I feel like he’s devouring me, but I like it. I like how hungry he is. I like being craved.

We don’t even care if a custodian or the principal comes in right now, all we care about is this kiss, is each other. Lips, teeth, and tongue collide together, and my heart is skipping so many beats I might go into cardiac arrest.

I’m the one to pull away too. I look up at him, and his eyes stay closed briefly until he meets my gaze with a smile.

“I’ve wanted this since we met,” I whisper, licking my lips, tasting him.

“Me too.” His words are just as soft as mine.

Spencer is backing me toward my room, but he doesn’t stop kissing me. His hands unbutton my blouse as we move. We finally make it to my bedroom, and neither of us care to shut the door. I live alone, so it doesn’t matter.

We’ve been dating for nearly two months now, and we haven’t had sex yet, not for any particular reason just that we haven’t had the opportunity to. But tonight, with Atlas with his friends and summer break having just started… well, here we are.

The rest of our clothes come off in between kisses and touches. We’re eager, craving each other.

Spencer sits down, watching me take off my panties and kick them to the side. I grip onto his shoulders and swing my leg over him, straddling his lap. Our mouths find each other again, like they’re finding their way home.

The touching and teasing from both parts gets to be too much after a while of his fingers crazy the bundle of nerves inbetween my legs and my hands playing with his length.

Soon enough, he’s slipping on a condom, and I’m lowering myself onto him. We both let out moans as he enters me.

I bite my lip, trying to be quiet. It’s been too long since either of us have done this.

Spencer grabs my chin gently and forces my teeth to release my lip from its confinement.

“Don’t hold back. I want to hear you,” he says, his voice so low and raspy that my already pulsing core gets butterflies.

I begin rocking my hips back and forth slowly, and his hands caress my body wherever they feel fit. Both of our sounds are filling the apartment, and we don’t even care if we’re disturbing my neighbors.

After a while of slow movements, Spencer decides to take control. He pulls me close to him, my chest right in his face, his arm wrapped around my back. His other arm leans behind him, stabilizing the both of us. He bucks his hips up quickly and harsh, making my moans grow louder. Spencer‘s mouth takes hold of my nipple, and the sensation is amazing.

My hands roam his back, nails scratching down it.

“Shit, Y/n…” he says breathlessly. “I’m about to come.”

I whine, tugging at his hair. “Me too.”

The two of us finish, one right after the other. After we’re all cleaned up, and our breaths are mostly caught, we lay down in my bed. Spencer’s head rests on my tits, and my nails scratch his back, this time lightly.

“That was amazing, beautiful,” he says with a smile I can’t quite see but I can feel.

I grin, blowing my sweat-laced hair out of my eye. “It was incredible.”

—————

In the morning, Y/n touches my face gently. “The five o’clock shadow you have going on right now is so sexy.”

I blush, a grin plastered on my face. “You in nothing but a t shirt is so sexy.”

Y/n smiles and rolls her eyes.

I spent decades building up these walls, and it only took her a few months to get through them. For six years, I was so scared of being hurt again that I almost missed out on this. I’ve learned that healing isn’t not getting hurt again, healing his knowing that you may get hurt again and still allowing yourself to live a happy life. It’s accepting what happened to you, and not forgetting but forgiving whatever self-blame you hold in your heart.

I’m on the healing journey, and Atlas is too even if he doesn’t know it, and I’m glad Y/n is here with us. I’m glad I was able to break the vow I took years ago. I guess some promises are better off broken.

tags: @pauline5525mgg @theintimatewriter @lilibet261 @greysviolets @jazzymariexoxoc @one-sweet-gubler @thatsonezesty13 @necromaniackat @awhoreforspencerreid @sebs-oxygen @crynroom @scarredelirium @reid1nspiration @bts-sugaplum @awesomeness1679 @preciousbabypeter @yazzyu @cynbx @youcantseem3 @xmysec0ndself @trikigirl271 @mikaylafairy @prettypanda13 @strawberrysunglasses @sad-innit @sydney-m @depressedprincess24 @flyingmushroomss @r3idsp3ncer <3