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“I was quiet; but I was not blind.”

— Jane Austen

Analyzing bsd's cycle of abuse

ft. Dazai, Akutagawa, and Kyouka

Even though I'm familiar with this cycle of abuse that's been traumatizing children of the PM, I never really understood its depth until I decided to rewatch the abusive scenes in the anime (how am I even alive after reliving that much pain omfg) and realized what makes this cycle so deep and meaningful. I'm telling you, bsd portrays the most realistic abusive relationships I've ever seen in fiction. So uh- enjoy this analysis I made about it!

We all know that the chain of events started from Mori - who emotionally ruined Dazai. He made Dazai his accomplice despite only being a child and planted thoughts into him, manipulating him into being loyal to the mafia. He used Dazai for his intelligence and powerful ability. And although his way of abuse was mostly emotional and psychological, I'm sure he also physically abused Dazai at some point.

Dazai continued this cycle by taking Akutagawa under his wing, only to abuse him. As shown from countless sequences in the anime, Dazai frequently physically abuses Akutagawa, up to the point of nearly killing him.

He also has no regard for Aku's life. It's either he learns how to toughen up, or his life is worthless. This is shown when he shoots Aku repeatedly in S2 EP02 only to cultivate his abilities, not caring that he might have killed his subordinate if he failed to activate his newfound ability.

Asides from physically abusing him, Dazai also abuses Aku emotionally, constantly taunting him that his ability is weak. Even after transferring into the ADA, he still haven't acknowleged Aku's ability. Instead, Dazai repeatedly told Aku that his ability is weak and that he would never be a match for him - up to crossing the line and deeming his ability inferior to his new subordinates in the agency.

This took a huge emotional toll for Aku - because we all know that this emo boy's greatest wish is for him and his ability to be deemed powerful.

Moving on to the next victim of this cycle- our sweet Kyouka. She's also often physically abused by Aku, as seen from a couple of episodes in S1.

But then, there's a significant detail that I completely missed during my first watch - something small but so crucial.

Aku was trying to become a better mentor than Dazai.

Look at what Aku said here. As we all know, this man rarely considers someone below him in ranking worth fighting, let alone someone who was powerful enough to face him. Yet, he considers Kyouka to be an enemy worth fighting - his equal.

You see what this means? Akutagawa had acknowleged Kyouka's ability - because it's what he wanted the most, but could never get from his own mentor - Dazai. He knew how it felt to have your ability deemed weak, and maybe, deep down, he didn't want Kyouka to feel the same way. He was trying to not repeat Dazai's mistake.

But that wasn't what Kyouka wanted.

Ironically, it's what she hated the most.

Demon Snow killed Kyouka's family right in front of her eyes. She hates her ability. Hearing Aku acknowledge her ability, saying that it's well-suited for killing people - it must have utterly destroyed her inside.

What she really wanted was the opposite of what Aku did - she wanted her ability gone. She wanted to be accepted as a human being, as herself, instead of her worth revolving around her ability.

But then, Kyouka got what she thought she'd never find - hope.

Atsushi and the rest of the detective agency came and pulled her out of the darkness she was trapped in. They gave her a new life - a life where she would never have to kill again. They gave her a home where she wouldn't be defined by her ability.

Just when she thought her nightmare was over, she encountered Aku again in S3 ep 10, and they fought. But after seeing the newfound light in her eyes that he had never seen before, Aku said to Kyouka something he knew he would never be able to hear from his own mentor :

"Kyouka. I'm happy for you."

And so, this cycle of abuse finally ends.

⏳⛓️ AndLuca week challenge dump, from Twitter (⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)

i felt like a fly that night.

small, unwanted, but desperate.

desperate for something, anything,

desperate to be seen, heard, wanted.

a cockroach sneaks into an art museum by judas h. ( @judas-redeemed ) image id in alt

I rot in my own thoughts,

My life is futile. 

i just want someone to be real with me

Blythe Baird // Dave Eggers

Fyodor Dostoyevsky // Alanis Morissette

“Just because you took longer than others doesn’t mean you failed. Remember that.”

— Unknown

i just really love the word Boyfriend like. i love the idea of having someone i can call my Boyfriend . and the thought of being someone’s Boyfriend is so !! yea... :)

wanting to go book shopping with a boy, and hold hands while walking through the store :(

guy who is experiencing a sadness that can only be cured by cuddles from another boy (me)

i wish the world was a more gentle place to psychotic people

WET BEAST WEDNESDAY

“the intrusive thoughts won” “that’s psychotic” “i’m so delusional haha” “narcissistic abuse” “the weather is so bipolar” SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!

i wanna boy so i can gift him the many shiny rocks and things i find

Thinking about being cuddled up with someone both of our bodies intertwined with each other, to have as much of ourselves in contact with each other as possible, watching something comforting, as we simply exist together

#ihateloreolympus

trying to find persephone content while avoiding lore olympus content, feels like im running in a mine field

i am going insane (goodnjght)

i watch them from afar,

knowing i will never be their first choice.

i will never be anyones first choice.

i was always destined to be everyones last.

i want to be cis

flat chested, strong and taller

never misgendered