Staying. Trying.

crossposted on ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/49513432

ZB1, no ship, jiwoong-centric, autism, overstimulation, minor meltdown, stress stimming, hurt/comfort, miscommunication, crying

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The lights were too loud, well technically everything was, but that’s beside the point. The lights in particular were the loudest.

aka

I write Jiwoong as autistic bc i relate to him a lot and bc writing technically counts as therapy. tw for overstimulation, descriptions of a minor meltdown, being misunderstood, and yelling

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hey! i'm not writing this to say 'ooh jiwoong has autism i have diagnosed him' im literally just writing this as a completely self indulgent thing. autism (like everything) isn't a monolith and the traits i've written here are mostly my own and are in no way supposed to be representative of all autistic people :) anyway sorry for the pain

also! i couldn't find what the dorm sitch is rn so i made it up

The lights were too loud, well technically everything was, but that’s beside the point. The lights in particular were the loudest. They beamed up at Jiwoong from the front of the stage, taunting him in their directness. His ears felt like they could start ringing at any second. One minute he was excitedly waving at zeroses and answering questions, and the next everything hit him at once like a semi truck. He tucked his hands into his sleeves, grabbing at the cuffs and fiddling with the buttons. ‘Only five more minutes, Jiwoong. You can make it.’ he cheered himself on in his head, blinking slowly and deliberately.

The seconds ticked by slowly, but they did tick by. Jiwoong was second off the stage. He smiled wide and waved goodbye, he’d done this routine enough to be convincingly ‘normal’ looking. He tried to not rush Hanbin as he grabbed the hands of the zeroses who waited so patiently to say hi face to face. Jiwoong did his best to do the same. Smile and touch and interact. It wasn’t that he didn’t like his fans, not at all. He just felt this crushing weight on his chest after the whole day, like his battery died hours ago and he was still trying to ring out the last drops of juice.

They finally made it to their van, and after one final wave goodbye as they pulled away, Jiwoong put in his headphones. He slowly let his face drop, he’d learnt way too many times that changing expressions too quickly freaks people out. He shut his eyes and waited. All he had to do was wait, and then he could lock himself in the bathroom for at least ten minutes before anyone came knocking. Unfortunately, God hated him. With a tap to his shoulder, Jiwoong felt his stomach churn in frustration.

“Jiwoon-hyung!” Matthew poked at him cheerfully. “I know you’re not sleeping.” Jiwoong opened one of his eyes to look down at his seatmate. He was smiling bright as ever. Lucky.

Jiwoong hummed a noise of acknowledgment, too tired to make his mouth say words.

“What do you want for dinner, Hyung? Ricky wants chicken, but Hao-hyung and Hanbin-hyung are voting for Chinese. But, Gunwook, Taerae and Yujin want beef, like at a restaurant.” Matthew rattled the options off, counting on his fingers. “Which one do you think is best?” He looked up earnestly.

Honestly, the thought of putting food in his mouth at the moment made Jiwoong feel queasy. “Chinese.”

Matthew paused. Something flitted across his face, but Jiwoong couldn’t pick up exactly what. “You sure? We can get something else if you want! We could all get different stuff delivered!” Matthew placed a hand on Jiwoong’s arm, making him flinch slightly. He really hoped Matthew didn’t notice.

“Sure.” He closed his eyes again and took a deep breath. “Do whatever you want.”

The hand slowly dragged away. Jiwoong was thankful for the silence and the lack of stimulation. He took another breath, clearing his chest. Finally, plans were made and he could coast for the rest of the night. Minimal crying hopefully included. The rest of the drive was more peaceful than normal, the only real noise was Hanbin talking to their manager in the front row and Gyuvin playing a game on his phone. Maybe he wouldn’t even have to lock himself in the bathroom today.

They pulled up next to the Dorm, and everyone stretched and grabbed their stuff. Jiwoong held the door as Matthew and Yujin got out. Weird, neither of them looked up at him like normal. Something was off. Jiwoong tried to reason with himself, saying that they were probably also just tired from their long day, but it ate at him a bit. He grabbed his bag and went to shut the door but it slipped from his hand. His efforts to grab it again just ended up catapulting it even harder into the latch. It closed with a loud thud, causing everyone to jump. Jiwoong sighed deeply. “Sorry.” He slung his bag over his shoulder and hurried inside. He paused to shake out his hands in the lobby.

By the time he got there, the members were all crowding around the elevator. Jiwoong shuffled up next to Zhang Hao, nodding his head towards the light above the doors. “Ah- There’s a delivery man going up right now with a trolley. It’s gonna be a second.” His eyes wandered around the room as he explained.

“Hmm.” Jiwoong grunted. “I’m taking the stairs.” He didn’t want to deal with all nine of them squishing into an elevator right now, especially with the variable of a potential delivery man visitor.

Jiwoong was first to the dorm, first in and out of the shower, and first changed into comfortable clothes. The dorm was oddly quiet. They ordered food by passing Hanbin’s phone around, they all waited in their rooms or showered while it was getting delivered, and even eating was a strangely silent affair. It all felt much too familiar for Jiwoong’s liking. He didn’t know when, or how, or why, but he knew that he must’ve done something wrong. Did he do something at the fansign? Was he rude to zerose? Or was this something farther back that he just started noticing. Jesus, this feeling sucked, and it sucked even worse to sit in. He finished his bowl of soup and threw out the container in the kitchen. If he could manage the courage, he could ask right now, while everyone was here. Get it over with.

‘Oh, you didn’t notice? None of us liked you, we were being nice.’

‘I can’t believe you didn’t realize! Jesus, you really are dense.’

‘Wow, way to care about your so-called friends.’

He shook out his head. He knew those thoughts weren’t productive, they just made him feel like shit. It didn’t stop them from happening, but at least he knew, right? He flapped his hands, and groaned, hopping a little in place. Gathering all his strength he walked back out to the living room and stood in front of everyone. They all looked up in awkward silence.

“…Jiwoong-hyung?” Taerae said cautiously.

“I’m going to bed now.” Jiwoong blurted and turned on his heel. Stupid. He hurried into his and Ricky’s room. He flopped on his bed. “Stupid, stupid. That’s not gonna fix anything.” Anything he ever tried to do just seemed to make everything worse.

Then there was a knock on the door. Jiwoong sighed, he knew this was coming but it still sucked. Why couldn’t anyone just let him wallow? “Come in.”

Hanbin stepped in, closing the door behind him roughly. Jiwoong jolted at the noise. “Kim Jiwoong.” He stomped his way up to Jiwoong’s bed and stared down at him. Jiwoong could already feel his eyes start to burn. “Look, I get it, it’s been a long day, you’re tired. But is that really any excuse to take it out on the members?” Hanbin was fuming underneath his student body principal tone. Jiwoong might be dense but anyone could’ve seen that. “This is absolutely unacceptable, especially for the oldest member. What did Matthew even do to you?” He stood with his arms crossed, awaiting an answer.

“...Matthew?” Jiwoong questioned under his breath. He thought through every time he talked to Matthew today. What did he do to Matthew?

Hanbin’s posture slowly shifted as he stared at Jiwoong’s confused face longer and longer. “Wait…” He started pacing. “Do you not know? Why he’s upset?”

Jiwoong looked up finally, face covered in remorse. “Matthew’s upset? God, can you please just tell me what I did? I didn’t mean to upset anybody?”

Hanbin raked a hand down his face. “It’s not just Matthew, Hyung. Hao and Taerae too.”

Jiwoong’s stomach turned. “God…” He heaved a sigh, trying to not let any tears form.

“Hyung. You’ve been sighing and scowling for hours. How else are people supposed to take that?”

Jiwoong, whipped his head to the mirror on his vanity. Sure enough, the scowl lines were etched deep into his forehead. “No…” He couldn’t hold it anymore. He let his face fall to his hands. He choked out a sob. “Not- not aga-gain…” he muttered with the little breath he had. “Why does- does it have to be so- so har-ard?”

Hanbin stood back in a mix of shock and confusion. “What?”

“ Everything! ” Jiwoong sobbed out, curling into himself and rocking. “It’s so- so easy for everyone else! It’s no fa-fair!” Jiwoong was inconsolable, sobbing into his knees and hiccupping. “You don’t understand. You don’t- don’t get it.”

“Jiwoong-hyung…” Hanbin’s voice was suddenly gentle, like he was trying not to spook a deer. “What’s happening?” He tried to place a hand on Jiwoong’s back but he flinched away from the touch.

“Please- please don’t.” Jiwoong said in between breaths.

“Okay! That’s okay!” Hanbin floated his hand above Jiwoong, not sure what to do otherwise. “Deep breaths, Hyung. We don’t need to talk until you’re able to.”

Jiwoong made a strangled noise and nodded. He breathed as big as he could but it came out stuttery and weird. Even that made him plunge a little deeper back into it. He choked on his spit, coughing and letting out a desperate noise.

“Hey- hey now. No, come on, don't give up.” Hanbin moved to squat in front of Jiwoong. “Can I hold your hands?”

Jiwoong frantically shook his head no. He felt like he would explode if someone touched him right now. His ears were already ringing.

“That’s okay, that’s okay. Can you try and look at me?”

Jiwoong uncovered one of his eyes. Hanbin was all blurry but he was basically visible. He stared up at him with big frantic eyes, but forced a little smile.

“That’s good. C’mon, breathe with me.” He raised both of his hands, palms up, in front of his chest. “In.” He sucked in a lungful of air with a noise. Jiwoong tried his best to do the same. “And out.” He lowered his hands again. “One more time, okay? In... Out...” The breaths were coming a little easier. “Good. Good job, Hyung.” Hanbin gave a half-hearted smile. “Feeling any better?”

Jiwoong took a few more breaths before responding. He sniffled and wiped his face on his sleeve. “Mhmm.” He looked away. “Thank you. I’m sorry.”

“Hey, hey, it’s alright.” Hanbin reached for his hands again but stopped himself. “Do you need anything? Water?”

“...Yes please.” Jiwoong flopped over onto his side, utterly exhausted.

“Be right back.” Hanbin made a gesture for Jiwoong to stay put and scurried out the door. Jiwoong heard the ambient murmuring of his bandmates no doubt asking what all the noise was about. It took every ounce of strength left in Jiwoong’s body to not curl back up into himself.

The conversation drifted in as Hanbin reentered the room.

“Are you sure he’s okay?” Jiwoong heard Gunwook whisper loudly.

“Later, later! He just needs water.” Hanbin closed the door on the expecting dorm mates. “Jeez, they’re nosy today.” He chuckled lightly. He placed the glass of water on the nightstand. “Here you are. You want some alone time?” Hanbin didn’t seem even slightly angry anymore. It didn’t make sense.

Jiwoong shook his head. “Stay.” He hesitated for a second before reaching out a hand.

Hanbin made his signature ‘o’ surprised face and gently took his hand by the fingers. He sat next to the bed, not letting go. “You can talk whenever you’re ready, Hyung.” He stroked down each of his nails one by one. “I can wait.”

Jiwoong nearly started crying again at that. It didn’t make any sense. A minute ago Hanbin was yelling at him for being rude. But now, now he was sitting on his hard bedroom floor, patiently petting his hand. Waiting for him to be ready.

“Thank you.”

“Hmm?” Hanbin hummed, rubbing gentle circles on each of Jiwoongs joints. “For what?”

“Staying. Trying.” Jiwoong sniffled.

“That’s not something you should have to thank me for, Jiwoong-Hyung.” He turned to meet his eyes.

“Huh?” Jiwoong swallowed the lump in his throat.

“I’m sorry I was so quick to yell. I was just worried for the members. If I would’ve known…” He trailed off.

“It’s okay. I mess up like this a lot. I’m used to it.”

“You shouldn’t be.” Hanbin turned his whole body to hold both of Jiwoongs hands.

“I’m sorry.” Jiwoong wiped his eyes. “I don't know how it happens. I just want to say what I mean. I don’t know why I’m so hard to understand.”

“Ah-“ Something like a light bulb seemed to go off in Hanbin’s head. “So earlier, when you told Matthew to ‘do whatever he wants’ you meant…?”

Jiwoong scrunched his face in confusion. “That he can do whatever he wants?” Jiwoong sat up. “I’m sorry, I’m really confused. What else could it mean?”

Hanbin held back a giggle. “Sorry, sorry. Usually when people say ‘do whatever you want’ they mean it in like a ‘you’re not going to listen to me anyway so why even bother telling you’ way.”

“ WHAT? ” Jiwoong’s mouth fell open. “Oh my god, I had no idea.” He sat, dumbfounded for a moment. “Jesus, I have a lot of people to apologize to.” He smiled, tears still rimming his eyes.

“It’s okay to talk however you want Jiwoong.” Hanbin shrugged. “As long as everyone understands the intent I don’t get the big deal. I mean, we’re all members, we’re gonna have to be ourselves around each other at some point.” He chuckled.

“I guess you’re right…” he took a big swig of his water. “I don’t think I've actually drank any water today.”

“Jiwoong-hyung!” Hanbin scowled. “That’s not good for you.”

“Sorry, sorry. I’ve been busy.” He smiled.

“You’re lucky I saw you eat today or I’d be shoveling those leftovers down your throat.” Jiwoong chuckled at Hanbin’s very serious expression.

“I’m okay, really.”

“You better be. We still have to debut.” Hanbin pinched the skin on Jiwoong’s index finger lightly.

They sat for a moment, Jiwoong drinking his water and Hanbin massaging all the knuckles on Jiwoong’s hand. It was comfortable again. It never happened this quickly. It was… nice.

“Hanbin-ah?”

He hummed in reply.

“Thanks again. For working with me on this. People don’t usually… try? I can be a handful, I know, and it just… means a lot.”

“Do you think you’re the only handful here?” Hanbin laughed brightly. “We’re all handfuls, Hyung. We just have to figure out how to balance everything. We’re brand new at this- at being a group. There’s gonna be bumps.”

Jiwoong stared at Hanbin for a moment in adoration. “Have I ever told you how glad I am that you’re the leader and not me?”

Hanbin laughed again. “No I don’t think you have. But I appreciate it.” He stood up and wiped his hands on his jeans. “You wanna come talk to the boys? They're all worried about you.” He reached out a hand.

Jiwoong took it and stood too. “Do I look like I’ve been crying?”

“Oh, very much so. Sounded like it too.” He knocked their shoulders together. “We’ve all cried on national tv before, this is nothing. Well maybe not Ricky. But Gyuvin’s told me about it, apparently his bottom lip quivers.”

Jiwoong chuckled. “I’ll have to see that one of these days.”

“Oh, I don’t doubt you will.” He dragged him towards the door and opened it. Gyuvin, Yujin, and Matthew all practically toppled on to the floor.

“Jiwoon-Hyung!” Matthew rebalanced himself then rushed over. “I’m so sorry, are you okay?” He looked up at him with big moony eyes.

“Yeah, I’m okay now. Just got… overwhelmed.”

“Tell us next time, Hyung!” Gyuvin whined. “Then we can help.”

“Do you need anything?” Gunwook muttered. “I can make tea.”

“I’m alright, I promise.” Jiwoong beamed.

And he was. :)