While I Absolutely Hate All These Punch Khalisah Lol Jokes, I Do Think Her Interviews Have A Lot Of Comedic

while I absolutely hate all these “punch Khalisah lol” jokes, I do think her interviews have a lot of comedic potential, like, she’s ABSOLUTELY a meme on Normandy. People will ask Shepard obnoxious disingenuous leading questions and she answers every time, as long as they point something at her like a microphone

Garrus, sticking a sniper rifle’s scope at Shepard after she told him to hack a lock manually without medigel: Commander Shepard, is it true that you’re refusing to let your crew use medigel because you’re illegally selling it in large quantities on the black market?

Shepard:Thank you for your question, Khalisah. While it’s true that I’m limiting the unnecessary spending of medigel, I assure you all of it is spent in help of our current crucial mission. As you know, biotics need higher calories intake than usual humans, and as I am a specialized biotic adept, I need even more calories. So to save Alliance money on buying me huge amounts of food, I simply eat medigel.

Tali, cackling: Have you considered letting your crew just do their jobs?

Shepard: While I think my subordinates really just need to get gud at doing their jobs without cheating, I am also trying to find alternative sources of calories. Currently I’m considering following an advice from my esteemed colleague Urdnot Wrex and starting to eat my enemies.

___

Joker, pointing his hat at Shepard after she agreed with Tali over him in a minor argument about space ships: Commander, can you explain why you’ve decided to betray humanity in favor of quarians?

Shepard: As you’ve mentioned yourself in several interviews we had, Khalisah, I’ve already betrayed humanity when I accepted the position of the Council’s Spectre. And to be quite honest with you, I really like how it feels. I know the quarians are not a very orthodox choice to sell your loyalties to, but I’m simply running out of options. I’ve tried geth, but they’re already engaged with my competitor Saren.

Joker: Then how come you’re still in command of the best ship the Alliance has even after disparaging it’s fleet?

Shepard: You see, Khalisah, there’s only one pilot who can handle Normandy, and between you and me, he’s absolutely insufferable and I’m the only one who can tolerate him. So it’s either me or the parking lot.

______

 Ashley, sticking her head out of Mako and pointing the tank’s canon at Shepard while Wrex and Shep are taking selfies with the dead Thresher Maw: Commander, how can you comment on animal cruelty to the endangered species?

Shepard, climbing on top of the Thresher Maw to talk directly into the canon: Not to worry, Khalisah, I have a permit for hunting and population number control!

 Ash: What permit?

 Shepard: Right here, it says “I’m a Spectre and I can do what I want”

Rhianon, for the first time in his life, makes bread. With Charlie’s assist, because she knows how to bake all kinds of baked goods. He watches how bread rises, because he has no better things to do with his life. And bread tastes amazing.

A character eats some bread

I regret to inform you I’m #bad pun appreciation trash.

I’m thinking about getting a hamster and naming it after #no time for warning shouts. Sound off in the replies if this is a bad idea.

you wouldn’t download a #neko atsume.

You've heard of modern/immortal Geralt having a cat/dog/motorcycle named Roach in honor of his old horse but how about this;

Roach is a ancient, eldricth beast that decided young Geralt was friend-shaped and attached herself to him, taking on the form of a horse because it made the most sense and she shifts as the centuries go on to forms that raise the least amount of eyebrows.

So you get a conversation with reincarnated!Jaskier like...

Jaskier: OMG you have a cat! What's her name?

Geralt: That's Roach.

Jaskier: *deadpan* Roach. 500 years and you can't come up with a better name for your companion?

Geralt: No, that's Roach.

Jaskier: Yes darling I heard you the first time. It's still a terrible name for an animal.

Geralt: *looks at Cat!Roach* Show 'em.

Cat!Roach: *polymorphs into Horse!Roach* neigh.

Jaskier: *softly, but with feeling* what the fuck.