I Need To Stop And Take Control Of Myself, Of My Life, Of Things... I'm Stained By Sin Again And I Can't

I need to stop and take control of myself, of my life, of things... I'm stained by sin again and I can't seem to stop and drive myself to the Lord.

I just hope He won't give up on me...

I wish I was skinny

I'll try not to eat. I have been a whale for too long. Ate too much yesterday. Out of control, I have forgotten how delicious it is, when people compliment my losses of weight.

I can't self harm. I can't drink. I can't medicate myself.

I know it's for my own good, but how am I supposed to stop this pain when I'm never clean enough to reach for Him?

I miss Him. I can't seem to let go of the disgusting life I put myself into. I don't even know the actual problem, I just know it's all my fault. It's always my fault. I never do anything right.

Except for reaching for Him. This I did right. But I have ruined it, as I always do.

I miss Him, I miss him, and I miss my baby. I always lose, and I'm always lost. I'm never found.

Screw it. I'll drink more coffee. With less sugar, of course. I don't know, the fun of the coffee is the coffee breath afterwards. I simply love it.

My physical is shaking, no kidding. Damn. I definitely will get addicted to coffe, I can tell.