Ninicolyz - Allen - Tumblr Blog

I might get addicted to coffee I don't know, I just... I haven't been drinking much. I add it to a half cup of milk. And I have been craving more of it. I drank it twice yesterday, almost three times. Now, I wish to drink it again. And the worst: my body doesn't react well to coffee. It's genetics, my mum has the same issue. Whenever I drink it, my stomach aches and I feel like throwing up. What a lucky girl I am.

I've been obsessed with the colour red, blo0d, catholic symbolism, religious suffering, hunger, human weaknesses, mourning, can1bal1sm, st4rving, vampires, pain, the gloomy, silence, old times, candles, harder times, religious stuff. I don't know what it is, but I'm sure there is something wrong about me.

Hannibal and Will pass the bufa, do you accept?

No, I'm from Jesus, I don't accept the bufa.

But I'd pass it to you :).

I'm such a pig :(

My brother said I'm too thin, and that I need to eat more.

My mind can't seem to care for the last part.

All it repeats is "You're quite thin".

I'm quite thin?

I'm quite thin.

I'll get thinner.

It's progess.

Fatigue. Headache. Sleepiness.

It'll be fine. I deserve it.

I'm hungry

I am a sinner.

The worst of them.

Judas himself.

I'm hungry. It's ok. I'll be fine. I'll be pretty.

I hate the mirror.

I hate my reflection.

I hate my face.

I hate my weight.

I just ate more slices of cake... I hate myself.

I didn't eat much today. Just a couple of breads, two slices of cake and fruits.

I'm worried that my mum might try to get me to eat. She tried to do it just now.

Oh, dear body. Please, stay strong and deny the weight.

Sometimes I desire penitence.

Suffering.

And everything forces me to joy.

Why can't I be melancholic? Is it a sin? Is it so bad?

I want to mourn. Is it a sin? To mourn over Him?

He's alive. He's beside the Father.

But I can't mourn? Over His divine sacrifice.

I'm so tired.

Like, I know. I know what I have to do. I know Who I need to reach for. I know.

But I'm tired.

Too tired.

Always tired.

I can offer Him my mourning over His sacrifice, but He wants me to rejoice at His resurrection.

Oh, my melancholy.

Virgin Mary.

How sweet.

I like the Marian Dogmas.

I wish I was more feminine... I still don't know what a woman is, but I was placed here, so I should at least understand.

I'm a girl, I know. Yet I don't feel like one.

Cecilia Lisbon and her vintage wedding dress might not leave my mind so soon.

I also love their bedroom. It was so... Feminine.

I struggle to express my feelings. That's tough. I need to get better, I need to tell my psychologist what happens to me, I need help.

It's just hard to explain, to translate my heart.

I don't like to complain. You know, there's so many things to thank for instead of complaining about this one little thing.

But, really, who listens to music without headphones at 5 am!?

I'll burst catholic songs too. He won't like it.

I have to get ready for mass but I'm still feeling terrible.

I know He doesn't mind. Or I hope He doesn't mind.

I'm still a sinner, but I'll at least go see Him. Communion will be depressing this time. But I'll cheer up soon. Perhaps.

I want to be a kid again.

So I can play and not worry about anything.

Growing up is never what we expect. We think adults know everything, that they know what they're doing, but the thing is: they're also children who grew up.

I wish I could close my eyes and dream, like I used to.

But life knocks hard on everyone's door.

I'm so tired of living rn

Like, I know, I understand. But it's so hard. I hate myself, I hate my disgusting flaws. I wish I could be better for You, but... I'm me.

Please, take me back once this is over. Or take me out of it. I can't survive without You, and I feel like I can't stop to reach You.

I feel like there's something wrong with me, but there's nothing I can do about it so I do nothing about it.