In The Past There Were Guys I Liked, But It Never Feel Very Real, I Liked Them, But Nothing Else. I Knew

“In the past there were guys I liked, but it never feel very real, I liked them, but nothing else. I knew that somewhere deep inside my mind was a hardly explained ultimate dream, an idea of what true love means to me. I never had words to describe it, but meeting Colt wordlessly incarnated that idea.”

-from Ellie’s diary.

Bella and Edward finished. :) 

“...Anger, desire, maybe hope.. so much was mixed in Colt’s eyes, when he looked at me. I could not name how he actually felt, but someday I hope to figure it out...”

-From Ellie’s diary.

“ Colt was working alone in a garage and I was asked to get him for crew’s meeting. This simple task scared me a bit as I haven’t exchanged a word with Colt in several weeks. He was just somewhere away nearly all the time, or at those rare times when he was in a garage, he was mostly in his father’s room or if he was in a group, he acted like I don’t exist. He seemed arrogant, but there was something so alluring about him, that I wanted constantly to be around him and to run away at the same time, as I never wanted him to see my stupid and admiring expression, when I secretly look at him. 

I went in the garage I stopped in a doorway. Colt’s back was turned to doors so he didn’t see me coming, I guessed. I didn’t want to interrupt his work and didn’t want to be seen in general, so I just awkwardly stood there watching him. 

After a minute or so he slightly turned to my direction and told me “You can join me, if you want to.” 

It came from nowhere, I didn’t know how to react or say. “W-what?”

Then he turned himself fully to me and smiled, moved his head showing to come closer. “You heard me. Come, I don’t bite. I need a bit of help.”

“O-kay..” I felt so awkward. 

“Here, hold these for couple moments” he pointed at several tubes. He was fixing something closely under them, our hands so close, I tried to hold hands steady, not reveal that him being close was affecting me. 

“Done. You can release those. Thanks. ” He was looking at me attentively for a second longer than necessary and turned away gathering his tools and standing up. “So why are you actually here?” 

“Um.. Your father wanted to see you in crew’s meeting, something important.” I said and was about to go without waiting for him.

“Wait.”

I turned. He was looking into my eyes and it was hard to keep eye contact. “What?”

“Come to garage more often.”

“Why?”

He didn’t answer, just said “Let’s go.”

***

After that conversation to my mind came an idea, that he might feel similarly like me - he wants to see me around, while he wants to run away at the same time. Maybe his arrogance is just a way to hide?”

- From Ellie’s diary

MC saving Cody.

He wasn’t a good guy, but I wish we had a choice to save him, he didn’t deserve to die.

I saw Colt slowly walking in a rain, smoking and lightly kicking small stone. He didn't see me approach. As usual I felt the same around him - just wanted to stay there and observe his magnetizing presence. My hair got totally wet as well as my shoes and jacket, but I stood nearby. He must have sensed that someone is close, but didn't turn in my direction. No interest, or too deep in thought.

"You shouldn't stay here." He suddenly turned at me. I didn't realize how close to each other we suddenly got.

"You mean here, in the rain?"

"No. I mean here, in a crew."

"Why?"

"You not good enough for all this illegal business." There was no disdain or sarcasm in his voice, he was just serious.

"How?" I stepped back, feeling a bit hurt.

"You are too emotional about people you don't know well. In this business you have to grow thick skin very fast or you’ll be totally broken after losing someone."

"Something tells me that these are words of someone talking from painful experience."

"Maybe."

I saw that he won’t tell anything else about this, but still tried to make him talk, I wanted to know the way he feels about all this.

“So it still hurts, you just don’t show it.”

He answered nothing, which must have meant “yes”. After several moments of silence he just said “I just suggest you think well before deciding to stay, things in this kind of world might get really ugly, you already saw of it a bit.”

I don’t know what got into me, but I just blurted without thinking “Do you want me to be here?”

He responded with a small smile, but quickly became serious again. “It doesn’t matter what I want.” He was avoiding eye contact while telling this.

I wanted to say “it does matter to me”, but this time I didn’t want to sound ridiculous and to be too exposed. Not yet.