This Drawing Reflects My Current Mood Somehow - Tumblr Posts

I saw Colt slowly walking in a rain, smoking and lightly kicking small stone. He didn't see me approach. As usual I felt the same around him - just wanted to stay there and observe his magnetizing presence. My hair got totally wet as well as my shoes and jacket, but I stood nearby. He must have sensed that someone is close, but didn't turn in my direction. No interest, or too deep in thought.

"You shouldn't stay here." He suddenly turned at me. I didn't realize how close to each other we suddenly got.

"You mean here, in the rain?"

"No. I mean here, in a crew."

"Why?"

"You not good enough for all this illegal business." There was no disdain or sarcasm in his voice, he was just serious.

"How?" I stepped back, feeling a bit hurt.

"You are too emotional about people you don't know well. In this business you have to grow thick skin very fast or you’ll be totally broken after losing someone."

"Something tells me that these are words of someone talking from painful experience."

"Maybe."

I saw that he won’t tell anything else about this, but still tried to make him talk, I wanted to know the way he feels about all this.

“So it still hurts, you just don’t show it.”

He answered nothing, which must have meant “yes”. After several moments of silence he just said “I just suggest you think well before deciding to stay, things in this kind of world might get really ugly, you already saw of it a bit.”

I don’t know what got into me, but I just blurted without thinking “Do you want me to be here?”

He responded with a small smile, but quickly became serious again. “It doesn’t matter what I want.” He was avoiding eye contact while telling this.

I wanted to say “it does matter to me”, but this time I didn’t want to sound ridiculous and to be too exposed. Not yet.