Ren's Confession Almost Passes By Unacknowledged. Kami Doesn't Want To Discuss The Finer Intricacies

ren's confession almost passes by unacknowledged. kami doesn't want to discuss the finer intricacies of ren's love life. in part, because kami is still JEALOUS that ren can find love, and also part because the idea that ren can befriend and even marry one of the descendants of the raiden gokaden is still so, so laughable to kaminari. it stands to reason he'd gloss right over this.

except―

tipping his kasa back, kami GLARES at ren with the most bombastic side eye. there is nothing funny about what ren's told him, but this entire confession is even more laughable than the idea that ren is dating his supposed enemy.

"ren." kami's voice comes out far more curt than he'd like. but then again, it's not sharp enough, either. "you are going to marry this man," kami continues. he shifts his body, angling it more toward his brother. "you instinctively correct me on what your titles to each other are. you are dedicating yourself to him in the most mundane, pointless ceremony to ever exist. and yet, you haven't told him anything about yourself?"

kami's TRYING to place himself in ren's shoes. he's trying to understand where ren's coming from. if kami had such a loyal partner as kaedahara, certainly he'd feel comfortable enough to share the darkest parts of his past, to ensure his partner would still love him.

isn't that how it's supposed to be?

kami ISN'T in ren's shoes. though they share incredibly similar experiences, and may have even walked in the same footsteps, their opinions and outlooks on life are still entirely separate from each other. case in point: ren and kaedahara being engaged.

"are you going to lie by omission this entire time?" kami continues. "forget even the fatui. does he even KNOW you're the one who kickstarted his clan's downfall?" he puts a hand to his mouth, trying to stifle the sudden onslaught of laughter, but this is way too fucking rich. this isn't funny. ren isn't funny. but okay― this is a little funny.

"i can't believe you," kami laughs. "i can't wait to see the look on his face when―, and yes, i'm expecting you to actually tell him, ―he learns the truth about you."

kami bows his head, biting on a finger to try and control himself. he can't just keep laughing at ren, but sometimes kami wonders how much of an idiot he really can be.

"―and i thought i was the reckless one."

the  anger  earns  a  blink  —  though  ren  isn't  so  ignorant  as  to  assume  it's  directed  at  HIMSELF.  the  situation  they've  found  themselves  in  goes  beyond  merely  messy.  it's  a  veritable  minefield  with  no  end  in  sight  where  each  step  carries  the  risk  of  setting  off  yet  another  explosive  —  vitriolic  feelings,  some  echo  of  past  trauma,  a  memory  better  left  buried.  instead  of  adding  more  fuel  to  those  white-hot  sparks  of  anger,  the  wanderer  decides  to  observe  in  silence.  chin  propped  up  on  that  same  fist  that  once  feigned  snatching  up  the  lights  of  the  city  below,  eyes  sharp  and  unapologetically  attuned  to  every  detail.

❝  she  wouldn't. ❞   he  only  speaks  up  when  kaminari  decides  to  shift  the  SUBJECT.   ❝  ...  and  frankly,  i  would  prefer  not  to  have  that  conversation  with  her  —  even  if  she's  already  well  aware  of  the  details. ❞  lord  kusanali's  wisdom  is  invaluable,  but  her  guidance  is  too  GENTLE.  ren's  mind  craves  an  answer  —  direct  and  uncompromising.  he  cannot  handle  a  vague  push  meant  to  gently  nudge  him  towards  his  own  conclusions.  his  head  is  far  too  muddled  to  produce  anything  of  value,  emotions  clouding  his  judgement.  it's  precisely  for  that  reason  why  he's  decided  to  consult  KAMINARI  about  this  —  knowing  full  well  that  his  twin  is  both  similarly  straightforward  and  already  aware  of  the  ugly  feelings  HAUNTING  him.  it's  a  shame  he  didn't  take  the  time  to  consider  that  might  lend  itself  to  the  same  hindrances.

❝  ... ❞  take  the  plunge,  huh?  it's  certainly  an  idea.  perhaps  it's  the  only  option  they  truly  have.  ❝  he's  my  fiancé. ❞  ren  quickly  corrects  —  words  spoken  on  REFLEX  rather  than  conscious  thought.  ❝  ...  not  my  boyfriend. ❞  honestly,  the  wanderer  doesn't  particularly  care  much  for  the  difference  —  and  he  doesn't  care  much  for  the  concept  of  marriage  in  general.  still,  it's  important  to  KAZUHA.  ❝  i  doubt  we  have  the  funds  to  pay  for  a  personal  trip  to  inazuma ...  but  if  they  happen  to  already  be  heading  in  that  direction,  there's  a  chance  we  could  tag  along. ❞  although,  even  thinking  about  it  has  discomfort  squirming  in  the  pit  of  his  nonexistent  stomach.  this  is  very  rapidly  beginning  to  feel  a  bit  too  REAL.  ❝  to  be  honest,  i'm  not  sure  how  deeply  i  want  kazuha  to  be  involved.  he's  already  has  his  own  experiences  involving  my  mother,  and  i  can't  imagine  they're  PLEASANT ...  it  would  be  SELFISH  to  involve  him  in  my  issues  on  top  of  that,  wouldn't  it? ❞  yes,  they  may  be  in  a  relationship  —  and  yes,  he  knows  by  definition  that  means  they  should  be  around  to  support  one  another...  but  is  it  so  wrong  to  want  to  PROTECT  HIM  from  discomfort  that  would  otherwise  be  completely  avoidable?

...  perhaps.  ren  knows  he  has  a  tendency  to  keep  SECRETS.  (  more  than  he  should.  )

case  and  point,  ❝  he  still  doesn't  know  about  the  fatui. ❞

well now it's no longer funny. kami doesn't enjoy watching ren lose his temper like that, even less so when that anger is directed at him.

he should have expected this, in all honestly. ren is EXCELLENT at hiding things from others, including kaminari. he's great at shutting down and shutting out the world around him; evidently he's trying to pull that same shit with kami. it's fair though; kami DOESN'T know what all ren's done with kazuha. every part of that relationship had happened behind the scenes. kami was never involved, he doesn't know the extent of what ren put himself through for his relationship.

perhaps kami SHOULDN'T have laughed. the entire situation is a complete mess, and kami KNOWS he just made it worse. that doesn't stop the anger from rising up in his own chest at ren's reaction. or the hurt. hadn't kami tried to help? he'd stayed well out of everyone's affairs, remaining hidden so people don't know there's TWO of them running around. he's already isolated and alone, with not a single spot of company aside from ren. not even nahida is great company these days. her focus is on her world's wanderer, while kami's usually left to his own devices. he spends most of his time in the sanctuary, with only books to keep him occupied.

kami had tried to understand. offering support and guidance, giving them an unshakable bond of understand and sympathy between them, that no one else could penetrate. why does it take a brief bout of surprised laughter to have all that thrown back in HIS face?

rejection. pain. kami is not unfamiliar with those concepts. he's not unfamiliar with that crushing loneliness that threatens to overwhelm him this time. he will not cry. he will not lose control in front of ren.

stay away from me.

"as you wish," kami says tersely. he's not going to argue the point. he's not going to come seek out ren later, either. if ren wants to find him, he can find him elsewhere. though, it's unlikely to happen anytime soon.

coward. parasite. USELESS. PUPPET.

"good luck with your marriage," he digs. "hopefully you don't torpedo that relationship, either. given your masterful ability to lash out, who knows?" that's all he says before he's leaping over the railing, flying away to get as far away from his 'twin' as possible. there's more he could say. there's more kami could throw back in ren's face, to show him exactly why this conversation is a sore topic. but ren knows. he already knows what it's like to be in kami's shoes. as much as kami wishes for the same, he doesn't love anyone the way he loves. LOVED. ren.

he'll never befriend anyone on the same level. he'll never reach that complication of navigating friendships or even romance the way ren has. kami isn't ren, and he'll NEVER be.

you don't belong here. spineless. coward. is that all he's doing anymore? is just HIDING? it never really mattered to begin with. kami's life began as a mistake, and he's going to live out whatever pathetic lifetime he still has as yet another one. there's no HOME to go back to, and there's no home here, either. perhaps he'll go back to shakkei pavilion and isolate there forever, let himself rot in some never ending stupor, just like what he was created for.

let ren run his life.

kami hopes he fucking chokes on his misery. he's choking, frantically wiping away tears already falling unbidden as he zooms off, not entirely sure where he's going anymore. leaving sumeru, maybe.

he already misses ren.

he  understands  entirely  what  kind  of  HOLE  he's  dug  himself  into  —  and  perhaps  it's  partially  for  that  reason  why  he  even  confessed  to  his  lie  by  omission  at  all.  it  isn't  as  if  he's  chosen  to  hide  the  truth  from  kazuha  indefinitely;  what  is  one  more  sin  to  add  to  that  mountainous  pile?  the  ronin  has  never  rejected  him  before,  even  when  ren  can  only  assume  any  LOGICAL  person  otherwise  would.  but  of  course,  kazuha  has  never  been  the  type  to  do  anything  even  remotely  logical  —  he  thinks  with  the  heart  of  a  free-spirited  poet  rather  than  his  actual  HEAD.  even  so,  uncertainty  stills  his  tongue.  every  time  the  ideal  opportunity  presents  itself,  the  wanderer  finds  it  slips  through  his  fingers  before  he  has  the  chance  to  capitalize.  he  needs  to  tell  him,  he  knows  —  and  he  will.  but  doing  so  poses  the  risk  of  exposing  the  one  person  he  wishes  to  protect  above  all  else  to  a  world  rife  with  cruelty,  atrocities  and  bloodshed.  if  he  tells  him  about  the  fatui,  he'll  need  to  tell  him  about  EVERYTHING  ELSE  —  and  under  no  circumstances  will  ren  allow  him  to  be  dragged  into  his  obsessive  war  against  the  doctor.

he  understands  all  of  this  —  and  part  of  him  hopes  that  kaminari  will  be  able  to  understand  as  well.  he  doesn't  expect  him  to  CONDONE  his  actions,  but  to  at  least  be  capable  of  approaching  them  with  some  degree  of  genuine  empathy.  it  seems  like  he  was  expecting  a  little  too  much.

does  he  even  know  you're  the  one  who  kickstarted  his  clan's  downfall?  ❝  ... ❞   with  a  harsh  CRUNCH,  the  railing  CRUMBLES  beneath  his  grip  —  stone  reduced  to  dust  as  though  it  were  made  of  dry,  fragile  clay.  does  he  know?  does  he  KNOW?  ren  can  accept  being  mocked  for  what  he  hasn't  told  kazuha  —  but  he  won't  accept  this.  (  won't  accept  his  greatest  regret  being  treated  as  a  joke.  )  it  feels  like  his  blood  has  been  set  ablaze  from  the  sheer  force  of  his  anger.  he  feels  sick.  he  feels  lightheaded.  he  feels  a  traitorous  prickling  at  the  corners  of  his  eyes  —  not  tears,  so  much  as  they  are  a  liquid  form  of  vitriol.  ire  potent  enough  to  poison  an  entire  village  with  a  single  drop.   ❝  shut  the  fuck  up.  ❞  his  voice  comes  sharper  than  any  blade.  it's  exceedingly  rare  for  the  wanderer  to  curse,  but  in  this  very  special  situation,  other  words  fail  to  encompass  the  sheer  breadth  of  his  anger.   ❝  for  once  in  your  worthless  existence,  know  when  to  STOP  TALKING. ❞

he  has  no  idea.  he  has  no  idea.  and  perhaps  under  different  circumstances,  ren  would  feel  more  inclined  to  calmly  correct  kaminari's  assumption  —  but  not  when  his  doppelganger  has  the  nerve  to  LAUGH  in  his  face.  he  has  no  idea  that  was  the  among  the  very  first  things  he  told  him  —  that  he  approached  kazuha  fully  with  the  intention  of  it  being  his  own  EXECUTION.  (  for  if  it  were  at  all  possible,  it  would  only  be  fitting  if  it  was  by  his  blade.  )  he  has  no  idea  the  months  he  spent  diligently  devoting  himself  to  one  human's  happiness,  doing  everything  in  his  power  to  ensure  that  he  would  be  able  to  live  freely  —  even  if  it  would  do  little  to  compensate  for  the  suffering  he  had  already  INFLICTED.  he  has  no  idea  the  sheer  amount  of  self-loathing  his  own  feelings  brought  him.  how  there  are  still  nights  (  even  now  )  wherein  the  hatred  is  great  enough  that  he  nearly  CHOKES  on  it.  disgusting,  selfish,  wretched.  his  mere  presence  in  kazuha's  life  is  an  indulgence  ren  doesn't  feel  at  all  ENTITLED  to.  he  has  no  idea  how  many  times  that  knowledge  has  shattered  him  into  so  many  ugly  pieces  —  only  to  have  them  carefully,  lovingly  reassembled  by  the  hands  of  the  person  he  has  unwittingly  burdened  with  that  cavalcade  of  past  mistakes.  ren  already  knows  that  he  doesn't  deserve  kazuha;  he  doesn't  need  kaminari  rubbing  it  in  his  face.

...  opening  up  to  anyone  never  comes  without  more  regrets  than  it's  worth.  how  naive  of  him  to  forget.

❝  stay  away  from  kazuha.  stay  away  from  the  wedding. ❞  uninvited.  whatever;  it's  not  like  he  CARES,  right?  ❝  in  fact,  why  don't  you  do  us  both  a  favor  and  stay  away  from  me?  if  you're  going  to  hide  in  my  world  like  a  hypocritical  PARASITE,  the  least  you  can  do  is  keep  out  of  my  way. ❞  fingers  uncurl  from  the  ruined  railing  with  a  clatter  of  falling  rubble.  ❝  i  don't  think  a  COWARD  too  spineless  to  go  home  and  face  his  own  mistakes  has  any  place  to  mock  me  about  my  own  —  now  does  he? ❞

what better way to play with my emotions and mental state than to play the aq right after a heavy emotional thread?

this is fine. this is fine.

How does Kami feel about others calling him by his old names? What if for whatever reason they refuse to call him by his new name?

I WAS ACTUALLY THINKING ABOUT THIS EARLIER! i daydreaming and imagined him running into another harbinger, and trying to imagine what he would say to them in response. because i have a feeling that on instinct, they would call him scaramouche, or even kunikuzushi if they knew that name. it would be more out of habit than any actual malicious intent, but it would still slip out.

from a harbinger, i can see kami getting a little bit eye twitchy, and reminding them firmly that those aren't his names anymore, that he has an actual name now, and he'd prefer to be called that from now on. he'd force a reminder a few times before raising his voice and demanding a certain level of respect. just because he left their cause and is paving his own path doesn't mean they get to blatantly disrespect him or what he wishes to be called.

THIS IS JUST WITH THE HARBINGERS. part of kami still fears, yet loathes them, and as an ex-colleague, he still owes them a certain amount of respect. he would walk away if things started to get ugly, like if they refused to give him the dignity of calling him by kaminari.

with anyone else outside the harbingers, if they dared try to provoke him by calling him scaramouche, i can see him getting a little more testy/impatient. it would take one warning from him to set them straight. anything after that, and he'd probably break an inanimate object in front of said person to make his point very clear. he wouldn't go through anything more extreme than that, but the threat would be very very implied.

he wouldn't fight anyone unless it was a last resort. it would be tempting sometimes, especially if he wasn't in the mood for it, but he'd hold himself back and walk away from a situation that upsets him. part of going through this entire process and healing in sumeru is actively changing all his ways. it's much more fun to lash out with tongue than with action, and he still can dish out insults left and right, but never let things escalate beyond that.

all he wants is for people to NOT call him scaramouche or kunikuzushi in the first place. he's finally been granted a real name, by someone he has complex emotions for (traveler), and he's going to wear this name like a badge of honor and pride. the least people could do is call him by this name instead of trying to poke the proverbial dragon just to see what happens.

Insult someone my muse cares about

Nothing is out of bounds, make them angry

if you'd like to know where kami was in all this mess, he went and gave himself a lip piercing.