owlseeyoulaterpal - appreciator of bg3
appreciator of bg3

call me Owl 🦉| 24 | they/them 18+, MDNIao3

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Like Real People Do, Chapter 1

Like Real People Do, Chapter 1

Gale Dekarios x Named! Tav

Synopsis: Seraphina has spent the last 2 years trying to wield her wild magic as life keeps trying to knock her down. After being infected on the nautiloid, she's been presented with her biggest problem and greatest adventure so far. Through the trials of trying to save herself and the city she calls home, she makes new friends, falls in love, and begins to finally understand what it means to trust in luck and her lady Tymora. Already posted this to ao3 and I'm re-learning Tumblr after years away, so it's time to put this here! Notes: It's my first time publishing my writing on the internet in almost a decade, but the BG3 brainrot is real and has demanded it.

Learn more about my Tav, Seraphina.

Includes dialogue directly from BG3. ______________________________________________________________ Chapter 1: Friendly Competition

The gentle hum of the river. The quiet crackling of the nearby fire. The subtle rustling of the leaves as the wind gently blew.

Seraphina leaned into the ambiance around her in camp as she kneeled in the sand on the riverbank and did her nightly prayer to Tymora, her Lady Luck pendant clutched tightly between her hands. Her faith in Tymora had, admittedly, started to waver in the last few years, but the latest state-of-affairs that Seraphina had been thrust into truly made her feel as if the entire foundation that she had been raised on was crumbling.

Just three tendays ago, Seraphina had set out from her parents’ home in Baldur’s Gate for yet another contract with plenty of blessings and well wishes from her family — in fact, an overabundance of them since the last time she left home, she ended up in Avernus. A tenday ago, she had stopped in the city of Yartar for supplies when the nautiloid appeared above the city and began abducting people off of the streets. Now, every plan she had for her life had seemingly evaporated with the death sentence of a mind flayer tadpole in her skull. Her magic and her goddess couldn’t save her, or perhaps Tymora refused to intervene.

The tiefling wanted more than anything to turn tail and run back to the warmth of her family while she still had time left. But that wasn’t what a Hellwhisper was supposed to do. None of her siblings had ever abandoned one of their adventures, no matter how perilous it became.

But none of them had ever encountered a mind flayer or been infected with a tadpole, Seraphina thought bitterly.

Seraphina wasn’t quite sure what to make of the situation she had found herself in, much less of the people who had, for better or worse, become her traveling companions: the gith, the fellow tiefling who had fought on the frontlines of the Blood War, the mysterious cleric, the righteous warlock, the flirtatious pale elf that had recently revealed he was actually a vampire, and the gods damned egoistical wizard of all people.

Seraphina had encountered her fair share of wizards on her adventures and wasn’t a huge fan of them. They all thought they were better than Seraphina, a natural-born sorcerer. Gale honestly didn’t seem too different as he carefully and pointedly distinguished himself from Seraphina when it came to conversations about magic around camp. She had to fully bite her tongue to keep from snapping at him when he made a remark about her wild magic after fighting the goblins at the gate of the Emerald Grove, when mid-battle a wild magic surge enlarged everyone around Seraphina.

They have no idea who I used to be, Seraphina thought as she closed her eyes for longer, clasped her hands tighter, and prayed harder. My Lady Tymora, this trial has to be over now, surely? Have I not shown my perseverance and dedication in the face of the most bizarre odds and chances? Is this wild magic truly the best way to serve you, even now with a tadpole in my head?

Selfishly, a new reason she wanted her old magic back was to prove herself to Gale. Unfortunately, he had taken up a lot of her headspace since their first meeting.

“Hello! I’m Gale of Waterdeep,” The newly appeared man shook Seraphina’s hand as she looked, befuddled, from him to the portal in the rock that she had just pulled him from.

“Apologies, I’m usually better at this,” Gale scratched the back of his neck sheepishly.

“At introductions?” Seraphina joked, brushing dirt from her robes that had appeared after she and Gale fell to the ground.

“At magic,” He smiled. She felt her heart skip a beat.  

“Well, I’m Seraphina…of Baldur’s Gate. Pleasure to meet you, Gale of Waterdeep,” She awkwardly replied. If she was telling the truth, she felt every usually charismatic bone in her body turn to mush as she took in the tall, handsome man standing in front of her. And she could feel the very essence of magic flowing around him? What a catch.

“I hope I’m not interrupting anything,” came a voice from behind Seraphina. She whipped her head around and saw Gale approaching with two quarterstaffs in hand.

“I was just finishing up,” she smiled.

“Praying for Tymora to send an overdue stroke of good luck our way, I hope,” Gale grinned.

“Fortune favors the bold, Gale. Lady Luck will help us find this Halsin and return him to his Grove, curing our tadpoles along the way. She’s never failed me before,” Seraphina replied as she rose to her feet and walked over to him, putting her Tymoran necklace back around her neck.

“Have you followed Tymora your whole life?” Gale asked.

“Yes. As my sisters and brothers did before me, as did my parents, grandparents, and their parents before them. We were all raised in the same temple to service Our Smiling Lady,” Seraphina said excitedly. “But I imagine you’re not here to listen to me babble on about my goddess. Is there something I can help you with?”

“I could listen to you talk for hours, Seraphina, but yes, there was something,” Gale replied, blissfully unaware that he was making Seraphina blush furiously with such a simple statement. “With your natural gift of magic and less of a talent for a blade, I was hoping that you might be in the mood to help me with a small task,” Gale grinned.

“And what would that be?”

“Would you be amenable to a little friendly sparring to cap off our night?”

Seraphina laughed. “I would be, but I’ll have you know my weapon of preference is a glaive.” She thought sadly of her favorite glaive that had slipped from her holster as she sprinted to try and escape the tentacles of the nautiloid. It had been a gift from someone she would rather forget, so maybe it wasn’t too much of a loss.

Gale turned and led Seraphina closer to an empty patch of land near the campfire.

“I will have to keep my eyes peeled for a glaive then, my dear sorcerer,” Gale continued. Seraphina felt her face grow hot and she tried to ignore it as he handed her one of the quarterstaffs.

Seraphina braced herself firmly on her feet, the quarterstaff diagonal to her body, and carefully lowered herself into a defensive stance. “Give me all you’ve got,” she curved her hands, beckoning him.

Gale started with a swing directly at Seraphina’s legs, which Seraphina smoothly dodged, dragging her feet along the dirt in a simple arch. She immediately retraced that arch and, with a thwack, hit Gale on the back before spinning and resuming her defensive stance a few feet behind him.

“I said ‘give me all you’ve got,’ wizard,” Seraphina teased. Gale winced as he stood and turned to face her. “I take it you don’t have too much combat experience?”

Gale chuckled. “Wizards have towers for a reason,” he replied, carefully dodging a direct answer as well as a swing from Seraphina. “I assume this isn’t your first perilous adventure?”

“Far from it. I’ve used magic and a blade or two to fight pirates,”

Gale swung and Seraphina blocked with her quarterstaff, immediately pushing back and swinging at his ankles. He jumped over it.

“Hags,” Seraphina curved her body in a crescent shape to avoid his next attack.

Seraphina swung upwards, knocking Gale’s staff out of his hands, and placing the butt of the staff against his chest. “And I was fighting for my life in Avernus not too long before the nautiloid,” Seraphina finished.

She was crouching down and looking up at him. They were both breathing heavily, having already been exhausted from today’s events of defeating the Harpies at the Grove. Gale looked down at her and Seraphina’s breath caught in her throat as she took in his features, illuminated by the campfire. The gray hairs that blended in almost seamlessly with his long, thick brown hair. The orange of the fire made his brown eyes look like they were blazing.

With Gale’s slightly lifted eyebrows and intense gaze, she could detect a swirl of emotions in his eyes. Admiration. A little fear?

“You like to live dangerously,” Gale said breathlessly.

“High risk, high reward,” Seraphina laughed.

She felt a singular bead of sweat drip down her neck and chest, disappearing behind the laces of her nightshirt, and she watched as Gale’s eyes followed it. Seraphina suddenly felt like her entire body was itching as she shifted. Gale’s eyes snapped up to meet hers and he instantly flushed , taking a step back and ending the moment that truthfully only lasted mere seconds. She turned, picked up his staff, and thrust it into his hands.

“Again. I want you to knock me down or disarm me before we finish,” She smirked.

It took 30 minutes and several tries, but as Seraphina’s eyelids grew heavier, finally, Gale did it. With a firm sweep to the back of her calves, she tumbled to the dirt and, as she fell, Gale knocked the staff from her hands. He mimicked her earlier movements, pressing the end of his staff against her chest.

“Mragreshem,” She playfully cursed at him as he chuckled.

“Mission accomplished,” Gale proudly smirked. Seraphina nodded, panting. He reached out a hand to help her up. She took it and as he helped her up, she swayed backward.

Gale’s hand pressed against her lower back to steady her, and she leaned forward, Seraphina’s hands landing on his chest. With how close he was, she inhaled his intoxicating scent of parchment, books, and sandalwood. Her eyes caught his and he smiled at her when, suddenly, the markings on his chest, neck, and face began to glow a dull purple.

Just as quickly as he caught her, he stepped away, still smiling, but he looked like he was in pain, his eyes squinting as if he was holding back a wince. The glowing ceased. Seraphina’s eyes widened as she realized there was something magical in Gale’s chest.

“Gale, are you alright?” Seraphina stepped forward, a hand outstretched and Gale subtly leaned away.  

“Perfectly fine. I believe I have kept both of us from sleep quite long enough. Thank you for helping me get a little bit sharper in my staff handling,” He smiled.

“You’re welcome. Good night, Gale,” She returned his smile. Gale nodded curtly and Seraphina could’ve sworn he nearly ran into his tent. She was no stranger to rendering people speechless, but Gale seemed positively terrified of her.

She stood there for a moment, processing before she turned to head to her own tent.

What if he’s not usually attracted to tieflings? Does he act nice with me and the other tieflings at the Emerald Grove just to turn around and call us foulbloods behind our back? Seraphina thought.

As she was about to enter her tent, she noticed Astarion out of the corner of her eye. He waved her over and Seraphina crossed the camp to stand before him.

“I thought the wizard might keep you occupied all night. You know, I’ve been thinking about you.” Astarion grinned. “And that delicious moment we shared the other night.” Seraphina felt her stomach flip. She had butterflies around Astarion, and she couldn’t quite tell if it was exclusively because of his flirtatious way of speaking, or the fact that he reminded her of someone she shouldn’t still allow to be occupying her thoughts.

“The moment you bit me?” She asked.

Astarion nodded. “The very same. I’ve had this condition for two centuries, but truth be told?” He broke their eye contact and fiddled with his fingers. He took a deep breath. “You were my first.”

“What an esteemed honor. I hope my blood was satisfying,” She smiled.

“You were delectable. And now I just can’t help but wonder how the others taste.”

Seraphina dramatically gasped and clutched at her heart. “You’re looking at other necks? I’m hurt,” She pouted.

Astarion, for how prickly he was at first, was truly quite silly beneath it all. It only endeared Seraphina more.

“Don’t worry, there’s enough of me to go around. I’m a man of tremendous appetites,” Astarion smoothly replied. The way that he looked at her from under his lashes made her feel like lightning was coursing just underneath her skin. As she held his gaze, Astarion’s eyes began to shift from their beautiful crimson to the bright blue ones that haunted her dreams. She blinked a few times to push the image away.

“In the spirit of theoretical questions - if you had to take a bite from one of our companions, who would it be?” Astarion mused.

 “Ah, I love pondering hypotheticals with you in the dead of night,” Seraphina laughed, recalling when he asked how she would like to be killed. “Gale, no question.”

“A refined palate, but such an underwhelming answer coming from you, darling,”

“And what makes you say that?”

“I took you for someone who likes to take risks, live dangerously.”

“Would Lae’zel have been a more acceptable answer? Or you?”

Astarion smirked at her. “Darling, don’t expose all your lustful desires at once. Let’s try to leave room for a little suspense,” he winked.

Seraphina grinned wickedly. She hadn’t had fun like this in so long.

“Silly me. The buildup is the best part,” she whispered flirtatiously.

“If you think the buildup is the best, wait until you experience the conclusion I have in mind,” Astarion quipped. “But it’s late. I’d better go find something I can sink my teeth into. Sweet dreams,” Astarion brushed the back of his hand down Seraphina’s arm as he turned and headed into the woods.

“Good hunting!” She called out after him.

Sleep came easy. She knew that she couldn’t allow herself to develop feelings for anyone or get attached, not with the tadpole threatening all of their lives.

But wasn’t that all the more reason to have a little fun?

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More Posts from Owlseeyoulaterpal

9 months ago

Like Real People Do, Chapter Four

Like Real People Do, Chapter Four
Like Real People Do, Chapter Four

Named! Tav x Astarion AncunĂ­n

Chapter Synopsis: Seraphina and Astarion find a quiet night to sneak away together.

NSFW | 18+

Chapter One. Chapter Two. Chapter Three.

Read on ao3.

Notes: This is probably my 2nd time ever writing smut and I have to say that I definitely prefer reading it over writing it lmao

Learn more about my Tav, Seraphina.

Chapter Four: To Be Tasted

The party that went out for the day returned to camp battered and bruised after encountering much more than they planned for – giant spiders, a monster hunter, and a hag – and receiving no cure for the tadpole. Their only lead now was the druid who had disappeared at the goblin camp. 

There was little conversation at dinner on account of the mouthiest individuals, except for Wyll, being completely exhausted. Seraphina had to remind herself not to take it personally when Gale turned in for the night without telling her goodnight. He had sustained the most injuries that day, so it made sense that he wasn’t in the mood for too many pleasantries.

As everyone else began to head to their tents, Seraphina put out the campfire and walked to the river to wash their bowls and utensils. Except for crickets and the quiet splashing and gurgling of the water, it was a serenely quiet night. 

Seraphina tried to focus on that beauty – the way that the moonlight dappled off the gorgeous blue of the water, the gentle breeze cooling the sweat that made her night clothes cling to her skin, and the brilliance of the stars. Anything to keep from remembering that it was a night like this, next to a river like this, that Vadan had asked her to marry him. 

The only difference was the weather. The light snow melted as it reached the ground, but Seraphina could hardly feel the cold from how hot her blood was running as she was anticipating something entirely different when Vadan whispered in her ear that he wanted to take her away from the party for some privacy. 

He kissed her forehead and her lips, as gently as he had the first time he kissed her, and, while clutching her hand, dropped to one knee. His blue eyes glistened as he – 

“Hello, darling,”

Seraphina jumped, dropping a bowl into the river. She quickly snatched it up and turned to see Astarion leaning against a tree. The upper half of his body was concealed by the shadow of the tree, making only his bright red eyes visible. He looked every bit the predator that he was, and Seraphina shivered under his gaze. He slowly sauntered away from the tree, revealing a smirk. 

“Out hunting?” she asked. She could feel the rush of butterflies filling her stomach as he stalked closer to her. 

“Hmm. Not anymore,” he said, his eyes falling from her eyes to her lips, to her chest, and trailing back up to her eyes. “I was looking for my little treat and it seems I found her.”

Astarion extended a hand to Seraphina. She put her hand in his and she yelped as he yanked her to her feet, his other hand snaking around her waist and holding her close to him. She could feel the contours of his abs pressing against her soft stomach through their thin shirts.

“Don’t scream for me quite yet, darling. We’re still so close to camp. We don’t need anyone interrupting us tonight,” he whispered.

“You’re not too tired? We don’t have to do this tonight.”

“Truthfully, I didn’t do my best work today. I’ve been saving my energy for you.”

“Where will we go?” she murmured as she looked up at him. Gods, he was handsome. 

“I know just the place. Come with me, lover.”

Astarion led her away from the river and past the camp, his ice-cold hand gripping her heated ones. Seraphina was sure that he could hear the thumping of her heart as it rapidly beat in her chest. Eventually, they arrived at a small clearing in the woods. Patches of wildflowers interrupted the lush greenery, and it looked ethereal under the light of the moon. 

Astarion turned and raised one hand to caress her face. She closed her eyes and leaned towards him, expecting to feel his lips against hers. She gasped as she felt him lift her head, his lips instead pressing just beneath her ear. He placed hot, wet kisses down the side of her neck, softly nipping but never piercing her skin. 

She quietly moaned as his other hand made a slow trail from her waist to her hips and around her body to squeeze her ass. She could feel her body coming alive under his touch.

“I have been waiting to have you from the moment I first saw you,” Astarion purred as he lifted his head to finally kiss her. As he pressed his lips to hers, the thought popped into her head.

Hmm. That doesn’t seem right.

She pulled away. “When you put a knife to my throat?” she asked, a mix of humor and genuine curiosity in her voice.

“Imagine how conflicted I felt to be in such a terrifying situation and then meeting such a beautiful flower,” Astarion responded, his thumb rubbing her cheek. “And I didn’t hurt you, so now we’re here and I can touch you the way you deserve. I won’t hurt you…unless you ask me to.”

He kissed her before she could reply and any other thoughts she was having ceased immediately. She moaned as his tongue brushed the seam of her lips and she welcomed him in, becoming intoxicated with each movement he made. He began to stroke his tongue against hers, his hands dropping to backs of her thighs and lifting her. She wrapped her legs tightly around him, clinging to him to keep from falling and out of pure desperation to be as close as possible to him. 

Seraphina could feel her body humming with each second as he pushed her against a tree and his hands explored her body, searching for each spot that made her twitch, gasp, or moan. His right hand brushed over her breast before he cupped it and squeezed, smirking into their kiss as she rolled her hips.

“Tell me, darling. Do you want to be tasted?”

“Please. Gods, I need it, Astarion,” she gasped as he squeezed her nipple, rolling it between his fingers.

“Already singing so beautifully for me.”

Astarion turned Seraphina from the tree and set her down on the grass. He crawled over her, parting her thighs with his own and grinding his hips against her. She moaned as she felt his hard cock rub against her clit through their pants, arching into his touch as his hands stroked down her body, rubbing from her neck, over her breasts, and down her stomach. He grabbed her shirt, pulling it from her trousers and the fabric was almost over her head when it suddenly caught on one of Seraphina’s horns.

Astarion tugged lightly and the shirt didn’t budge. A beat passed as he pulled again, trying to twist the shirt, and Seraphina giggled. 

“It’s alright,” Seraphina said, her voice muffled as she reached up. She could hear him chuckle and when she pulled her shirt off her horn and took it off, she saw him smiling. No seduction in his gaze or on his lips and Seraphina felt warm inside in that instant. Almost as quickly as she saw the grin, it vanished, his smirk returning as he pulled down her trousers. He pulled back onto his knees, quickly removed his own shirt, and tossed it aside next to her own clothes.

Seraphina’s eyes trailed down his porcelain neck, over his pectorals, and his well-defined abs, landing on the outline of his hard shaft in his leather pants. While she tried to stay in the moment, the memory snuck its way to the front of her mind, and she suddenly was beneath Vadan, beneath the stars during one of the countless times they sought out each other’s flesh while they traveled, gasping ‘I love you’ between kisses.

“Have you imagined this before?” Astarion asked, interrupting her staring and unwilling reminiscing, making her eyes snap up to his. No, she was going to be here, in the now, with him.

“Yes,” she answered breathlessly as his hands began to slowly rub from the inside of her knees towards her thighs.

“Show me.”

Seraphina felt his tadpole reach out for hers. She opened her mind for him immediately, letting him see how her desire for him had consumed her thoughts even in her sleep last night.

They were back in her tent after she had healed him. When he finished feeding, he didn’t pull away from her body. He didn’t leave her tent. Instead, he stripped her bare and lowered his mouth to her dripping cunt and licked her until she was a whimpering mess. She reached the peak of pleasure thrice before he finally fucked her, his cock stretching her as he held her down and gave her every inch. As he stroked into her, he leaned into the crook of her neck and sunk his fangs into her flesh, filling her while he took from her.

“Such a filthy imagination,” Astarion gasped, his hips rolling at the image. His lips curled into a wicked smile as he sunk to his stomach and pressed a feather light kiss to her clit. While she whimpered, he continued to lick her folds through her underclothes, gripping her hips and forcing her to still her squirming. 

“Astarion,” Seraphina moaned. “Please.”

She sat up on her elbows to look down at Astarion and he pulled down her underwear, tossing the fabric aside before immediately returning his mouth to her cunt. His name and a string of curses became a mantra on her lips. Though Seraphina’s eyes were closed, she still could see stars exploding behind her lids as Astarion devoured her. 

When he crawled his way up her body and kissed her again as he pushed his cock inside her, Seraphina clutched onto him, begging for more, more, more. She felt like she was in the Heavens and Astarion’s motion seemed to reply the same, but it also looked like he was staring straight through her. She could feel scars on his back. Maybe he didn’t like where her hands were and didn’t want to say it? 

“Astarion,” she murmured, placing her hands instead on his shoulders, and pushing him closer. His eyes focused on her again and he smiled. 

“Do you have a request, lover?”

He snapped his hips harder, deeper, and she let out a sinful whimper. For a moment, what she wanted to say next left her head. She bit back a moan and tilted her neck.

“Feed. Take what you need.”

Astarion’s grin softened as his eyebrows rose. 

“You spoil me.”

As his fangs pierced her neck, never ceasing stroking inside her, Seraphina thought to herself that she didn’t want this to be the only time they came to the woods for this. She would let him lead her away from camp as many times as he wanted.  

x x x

Seraphina started to stir when she heard the crunch of leaves and grass. Frankly, she didn’t want to open her eyes when she had been sleeping so well after her body had been taken to its limit the night before. Still, she blinked awake and sat up. A few feet away, the culprit of her body aches stood. 

Astarion’s arms were outstretched, and his head tilted back as he bathed in the orange glow of the early morning sun. Seraphina took a deep breath, truly blown away by how beautiful he was. She also could finally see the scars she’d felt on him. She felt a tingle of fear as she made out the shapes as infernal. What the hells was he doing walking around with scars like that? 

As she stared, she suddenly felt like she was intruding on him, reading his scars while he was having such a private moment. She couldn’t fathom what it must be like to simply exist in the warmth of sunlight after 200 years of not even seeing it. 

“I guess you’re not a fan of cuddling?” she finally spoke up, her voice hoarse.

Astarion chuckled but didn’t turn around. “I expected you to be more tired.”

“You exhausted me. It was incredible.”

Her next words came out before she could stop herself.

“Were you enjoying yourself? It seemed like…like you weren’t fully there.”

He glanced over his shoulder. 

“I admit that I was holding back. You’re delicious, darling, and I didn’t want to lose control. Now, we should head back.”

Seraphina began putting her clothes back on. She was pulling on her trousers when another question that had been on the tip of her tongue finally forced itself out of her mouth.

“Where’d you get your scars?’ she asked. 

“It’s a poem. A gift from Cazador,” he answered evenly. “He carved this one over the course of a night.” He turned away from her and slipped on his shirt.

Seraphina felt a pit in her stomach. Astarion had told her of his master and the torture he’d been put through. He was a despicable monster which made him writing in infernal more terrifying.

“Did he always write in infernal?”

Astarion froze and whipped his head to look at her incredulously.

“Infernal? Who…who knows? The bastard was insane.”

He doesn’t know what it says she thought. 

“Let’s go,” Astarion grumbled, already making his way back to camp. She wanted to rush and keep up with him, but she felt ashamed for mentioning his scars and upsetting him. She was back in camp and about to slip into her tent to sleep for a little while longer when her elbow was grabbed. Seraphina turned to see Astarion. 

He didn’t say anything. He smiled softly as he cupped her cheek and leaned closer to her. She could feel her heart racing as the space between them decreased by the second. 

“I hope you won’t be too distracted today, the way that I surely will be. I don’t know how I’ll function when all I can think of now is how beautiful you look when you take me,” he whispered, his lips brushing hers.

She let out a blissful sigh as she pushed up onto her toes and kissed him. He groaned as his fingers reached into her hair at the nape of neck and lightly tugged. When he pulled away, Astarion smirked at her. She promised herself that she was going to figure out what she needed to do get another genuine smile out of him.


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9 months ago
a tweet that reads: "me listening to 'too sweet' by hozier when i don't really drink, don't like black coffee and go to bed at 10" over a gif of a dancing woman
Obviously, TikTok can’t take 100% of the blame for this. The “maybe the curtains are just blue” type has existed long before TikTok came on the scene and will haunt high school English classes long after it has faded into irrelevance. But I do think the way TikTok engages with–and to some extent determines who is successful within–the music industry has played a key role in exacerbating this new style of musical analysis (wherein there is none). 

When the only part of a song people engage with is the trending clip on TikTok, the ability to grapple with what it’s actually trying to communicate gets cut off at the knees. It’s like writing a book report after reading one chapter of a book.
Each video plays the same clip and features people reenacting the same literal meaning of the lyrics, and it starts to seem like the song is genuinely about a man breaking up with someone based on how she takes her coffee. 

“People who think they’re superior for drinking black coffee are so annoying,” my girlfriend (a black coffee drinker) said while the chorus played as we drove. 

“It would be annoying,” I said, “if that’s what the song was about!” 

Because, of course it seems like that’s what Hozier is singing about when you’ve only heard the chorus. But songs are more than their choruses, and their narrators aren’t always the singers themselves. The rest of the song makes it clear that the narrator isn’t just talking about their habits, but the conflicting worldviews of both him and his partner, which ultimately can’t be reconciled. 

Hozier’s explanation for Too Sweet contextualizes it as an alternative exploration of the circle of gluttony (Eat Your Young is the song that made it onto the album in its place), but the way he describes it, both in the short explanation video (with the mention of the phrase “too sweet to be savory”) and through the lyrics themselves, it seems to be a modern illustration of another circle of Dante’s circles of hell: fraud.
In the eight circle of hell, Virgil, the narrator of Dante’s Inferno, encounters fortune tellers. He finds them with their heads twisted backwards on their bodies as punishment for how they lived in life: for attempting to know what the future held, they’re condemned to an eternity of never being able to see ahead of themselves again. 

[Verse 1] It can't be said I'm an early bird It's 10 o'clock before I say a word Baby, I can never tell How do you sleep so well? You keep tellin' me to live right To go to bed before the daylight But then you wake up for the sunrise You know you don't gotta pretend Baby, now and then


While our world may not be rich with fortune tellers in the sense of someone sitting down and telling you your future, we’re overrun with messages and messengers telling how to live well, live right, or optimize various components of our lives.
A fortune teller takes your money and gives you a prediction, a wellness influencer signs a contract, gets paid and tells you all your problems will be solved when you sign up for BetterHelp.  Do either one of them really know what’s in store for you? Who determined the right way to live? Is there a right way to live?

How do you sleep so well? introduces this sickly sweet partner with a sinister layer, hinting at their ability to turn away from the bitterness and complications of life, taking only what they deem good, and not allowing that goodness to be disrupted. 

This sense of toxic positivity, of being too sweet to be savory, of living by unexamined rules is central to the narrator’s partner, and returns again and again throughout the song. 

But who wants to live forever, babe?
You treat your mouth as if it's Heaven's gate
The rest of you like you're the TSA
I wish I could go along, babe don’t get me wrong

You know you're bright as the morning
As soft as the rain
Pretty as a vine
As sweet as a grape
If you can sit in a barrel
Maybe I'll wait
Their partner is beautiful, but immature, inexperienced, and intensley regimented in a way that cuts them off from the fullness of the world around them. Their personal ethos is that of the cult of optimization:

“Here are people who won’t drink not because they have any particular problem with it but because the data their Oura ring gathers suggests they sleep 7 percent better on nights they don’t, therefore allowing them to answer emails twenty seconds more quickly. Here are people avoiding coffee half an hour before meeting with their personal trainer who charges as much as a mortgage because they don’t want to reward their brain with a dopamine boost that could become habitual, concerning themselves with the precise receptors through which caffeine and dopamine interact.

It’s boring. It’s exhausting. It’s not sexy. It might not even be healthy.” 

Optimization Will Not Save You  

Our narrator isn’t emblematic of thoughtless consumption or overindulgence, though their habits are presented as such. When they’re in contrast with their partner’s habits however, it starts to become apparent that our narrator isn’t escaping the world through indulgence, but fully particpating in it–including the bitter, uncomfortable parts we’re advised to avoid for a healthy life.

i found the tenth circle of hell: it's where your fave blows up on tiktok

9 months ago

hope everyone's having wonderful lust-filled thoughts over fictional men today

9 months ago
Im Loving Season 2 So Far!

I’m loving Season 2 so far!

9 months ago

Like Real People Do, Chapter 3

Like Real People Do, Chapter 3

Gale Dekarios x Named! Tav x Astarion AncunĂ­n

Chapter Synopsis: Seraphina is healing her broken heart in a completely healthy manner. Chapter One. Chapter Two.

Learn more about my Tav, Seraphina.

Chapter Three: Moving On

“You do know how to make a damn good breakfast!”

Karlach.

“Well, thank you, Karlach! My mother would be glad to hear it.”

Gale.

“Send along our thanks to your mother, Gale. Good meals are hard to come by on the road.”

Wyll.

Seraphina was trekking back to camp from washing up in the river that morning when the voices of her companions reached her ears. Karlach had only joined them three days ago and having another exceptionally positive individual – especially another tiefling – lifted Seraphina’s spirits. 

A new companion, a balmy morning, and the mouthwatering scent of breakfast. She was convinced it was going to be a good day. Maybe good enough to find a solution to this tadpole in her head.

“Hey, soldier!” Karlach greeted. 

“Good morning!” Seraphina chirped. 

“What’s the plan for the day?” Karlach asked. 

Gale smiled sweetly at Seraphina as he handed her a plate of sausage links, potatoes, and tomatoes. 

“We have two main options. We need to investigate the rest of the village, which shouldn’t take long and it’s also on the way to Auntie Ethel’s house, or we can head towards the goblin camp,” Seraphina replied. She reached into her pocket and fished out her coin. 

“Is that your lucky coin or something?” Karlach inquired around a mouthful of food. 

“You haven’t seen our dear leader’s morning ritual yet?” Astarion asked as he sauntered over from his tent. He winked at Seraphina as he walked past her and settled across the fire from her.

“Heads for the goblin camp. Tails for the village and Auntie Ethel,” Seraphina said, taking a bite of potatoes before flipping her coin. The coin shot up, slightly past her head, and she caught it with her palm. “Tails it is!”

“Chk. You are wasting precious time and leaving our fate up to the chance outcome of a coin flip. We should be making our way to a creche,” Lae’zel interjected.

“We haven’t had any symptoms so far, Lae’zel, and we don’t know how far away this creche is. Auntie Ethel has offered to help us and, if she can’t, at least we’ll be going to get the druid soon,” Seraphina smiled at Lae’zel, whose scowl was unwavering. “I promise we’ll head there.”

“So, what’s this little tradition of yours?” Karlach asked, smoothly changing the topic back.

“I worship Tymora, Lady Luck. Tymorans lean into luck and chance at every opportunity. The greater the risk, the greater the reward from the Smiling Lady,” Seraphina replied. 

“Do you consider the tadpole a reward?” Shadowheart asked pointedly. 

Seraphina bit her tongue to prevent herself from saying what she wanted to say, something along the lines of asking Shadowheart if she considered turning into a mind flayer and losing her soul a welcome loss in the name of Shar. She and Shadowheart had made some progress in…diplomacy. It was difficult traveling with someone who worshipped a goddess who Tymora did not like. Seraphina could feel the Bright Lady’s discontent occasionally when she and Shadowheart shared a moment that erred on the side of friendly. 

“Unfortunate things happen to anyone, regardless of who they worship. That’s why we’re going to go see what Auntie Ethel can do to help us,” Seraphina replied evenly.

As the topic of breakfast chatter changed, Seraphina started going over her list in her head of what they needed for the day. After she finished eating, she hurried over to her tent, scooping some empty potion bottles and quickly beginning to craft.

She had crafted three healing potions when a pouch suddenly dropped in front of her. She looked up to see Astarion standing over her, his arms crossed with his signature smirk.

“What’s this?” she asked.

“I picked up a few ingredients for you while I was hunting last night. I would’ve given them to you earlier, but there were more pressing matters when I saw you last night,” Astarion replied. 

“Oh!” Seraphina said, opening the pouch to see several bunches of balsam, rogue’s morsel, and wispweed. “Thank you, Astarion. That’s very sweet of you.”

He crouched down so that he was eye level with her.

“Not nearly as sweet as your blood tastes, darling. Your blood has made me curious if all of you tastes as enticing,” he murmured. Heat blossomed on her cheeks as she averted her gaze back to her mortar and pestle, but Astarion put a finger under her chin and, with the lightest pressure, lifted her face to continue looking at him.

“You know, Seraphina, I’ve been thinking –”

“Are we prepared to venture forth today?”

They both looked up to see Gale had approached, his hands clasped behind his back. Seraphina saw a flash of annoyance cross Astarion’s face as he opened his mouth to speak, but she jumped to her feet.

“Yes! Let’s go,” she smiled, putting the new potions, alchemy tools, and the new pouch from Astarion into her bag. 

“Astarion, I hope you won’t mind me borrowing Seraphina’s attention for a few moments,” Gale said.

Astarion scowled. “I assure you that I do mind since we were already having a discussion before you interrupted.”

“We will be together all day. There’s plenty of time to chat with both of you,” Seraphina interjected as Karlach walked over. The group started their walk out of camp and began heading in the direction of the blighted village.

“I apologize for the intrusion,” Gale murmured as Astarion and Karlach trailed ahead. “I suppose it’s quite rude to demand your attention as frequently as I have.”

“I’ll tell you a secret,” Seraphina said, gesturing for Gale to lean in closer. 

“You’re my favorite person here. You can take up as much of my time as you wish,” she whispered, brushing her hand along his shoulder.

Gale gave a short chuckle, his face reddening as he stood up straight again. “Don’t tell me that. I may never leave your side,” he replied.

“And I wouldn’t mind that at all. Now, was something on your mind?” Part of her hoped that he would finally tell her why he needed to ‘consume’ magical items. She wasn’t a fan of the complaints and grumbling from everyone else over the loss of powerful gear.

“Right! If it’s not too bothersome for you to recall it, I was quite interested in hearing your story of what you witnessed when Elturel was pulled into Avernus.”

“Oh! Well, I guess to begin, my presence as a Tymoran priestess was requested to assist some Hellriders with an investigation they were doing into some recent disappearances.”

* * *

Seraphina flopped onto a rock, chugging a healing potion, as she winced and breathed through the pain from her wounds. She, Astarion, Gale, and Karlach had just killed Gandrel, a monster hunter who was searching for Astarion. Seraphina was usually the first to suggest the peaceful or least aggressive route in any conflict, but when Astarion smirked at her and said, “We should do something about this threat,” she knew that he was, unfortunately, correct. 

She had sighed as she replied, “All right, kill him if you must.” Karlach was less than happy about the choice, but Seraphina knew they couldn’t risk having a monster hunter lurking so close to their camp, not when Astarion was so valuable to their team. Taking a life wasn’t something that Seraphina did lightly. She could only pray that protecting Astarion was the right decision. 

As Karlach and Gale went off to survey the rest of the swamp and ensure that Gandrel was alone, Astarion walked over and stood in front of her. 

“Darling, I was thinking about you before we bumped into that filth,” Astarion said. He gestured at the rock. “May I?” 

Seraphina looked at the rock, which truthfully was only fit for one person. She nodded and scooted over, her left leg hanging off. Astarion sat, so close that the sides of their bodies pressed together. She turned to look at him, slightly tilting her head back to avoid catching him with her ram horns. 

“And pray tell, what were you thinking about in relation to me?” She replied as she began applying her healing magic on the scratches and wounds on his legs. She could feel his eyes staring at her as she worked.

“Remembering our time together, the things we’ve shared – and I don’t just mean that lovely neck of yours,” Astarion admitted. Seraphina shivered as she felt a finger graze her neck, passing over the bite marks where Astarion had fed from just last night. The finger continued moving up until Astarion softly grabbed her chin and turned her to look at him. She felt like her whole body was ablaze as she looked into his red eyes.

“I’m growing to like the whole package, honestly. And you clearly like me too, so…” Astarion murmured, a smirk on his face. He seemed absolutely smug at her wide-eyed expression.  

“A lady never tells,” She replied coyly, attempting to gain some power back in this conversation.

“You don’t have to say a thing,” Astarion’s hand moved from her chin to cradling the back of her head. “I already know how you feel.” He looked at her lips and his gaze flicked back to her eyes. He slowly leaned forward, and Seraphina felt like she was being pulled on a string, closer and closer, until his soft, pink lips were pressed against her red-painted ones. 

The kiss was surprisingly tender until she felt Astarion’s fingers tangle into her hair and pull, simultaneously pressing her even closer. She gasped and Astarion took the opportunity to slip his tongue into her mouth, carefully stroking her tongue with his own. Seraphina could feel the butterflies in her belly when she finally remembered that she had hands, and she gripped his shirt. She pressed her thighs together as she felt arousal surge through her. When was the last time she had kissed someone? As quickly as the moment started, it ended as he pulled away, his hand trailing down her neck, shoulder, and arm. His smirk returned. 

“We could take an evening to ourselves. Get away from camp – get some privacy,” He murmured seductively. “I know somewhere quiet. Somewhere intimate. Somewhere we can…indulge in each other.”

“You’re lucky that I trust you, but I can’t lie that this all sounds mildly suspicious,” She laughed breathlessly. The kiss hadn’t even lasted that long, but she felt like Astarion had sucked all the oxygen from her lungs as easily as he sucked her blood. 

“On my honor,” Astarion started, his other hand creeping down to grip her thigh. “The only thing on my mind is depraved, carnal lust.” 

“Sounds like a good time to me,” She replied. She could hear Karlach’s roaring laughter and Gale’s measured footsteps growing nearer. 

“Once we can get away, I promise you a night you’ll never forget,” Astarion purred, squeezing her thigh once, before rising to his feet. Seraphina slowly stood with him as Karlach and Gale appeared below.

“Oi! We’ve got an appointment with Auntie Ethel, you slowpokes!” Karlach yelled. 

“Lead on, my friend!” Astarion hopped down to join them as Seraphina trailed behind, her lips tingling as she tried to throw water on the inferno that was raging between her legs.

Astarion and Karlach walked on, but Gale waited for Seraphina, sweetly smiling at her as she joined him on the path towards the teahouse. She almost felt guilty for what had just occurred with Astarion, but she quickly buried it. If Gale was taking his time with courting her – if that’s even what was happening between them – what was the issue with her indulging in the very direct attention that Astarion was offering? 

She felt like she deserved to languish in the attention and desire of someone else after what happened with Vadan. In the last few days, she’d been able to think about him without feeling a pain in her chest. Moving on was possible. She could see the light. She needed to keep pushing through this fog. 


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