Ava Gardner, 1951.

Ava Gardner, 1951.

“I think you are having a different sort of heartbreak. Maybe a kind of heartbreak of being in the world when you don’t know how to be. If that makes any sense?”

— Kathleen Glasgow, Girl in Pieces

i know the best places to throw myself so that when i hit the ground, the hurt sticks

i know how to open these bones with just my teeth and  a gold credit card and 

last night was beautiful i barely ate and when i cried nobody heard me 

i’m sorry i’m a messy lover i’m sorry that i come as  an expired body, already worn and already

unbecoming  — i mean 

i told you and myself and my mom and anybody that would listen that no i wouldn’t go back there again but

i woke up in this place where the light is eating through my eyelids and yesterday i almost told you everything, how i’ve been a house of spiders

and none of them are interested in helping me live but

you look like a knife and i am looking  to get rid of myself

come kiss me, nevermind, i’m fine, it’s just a long day, ignore the shaking and ignore the ache in my voice

i’m fine, it’s fine, shit happens in storms and we’re just caught in the middle of one 

i don’t mean to be annoying it’s just  not even breathing feels effortless

and i want to be someone who isn’t a burden, who goes like smoke, who carries no weight who whips out of your life, never leaves footprints.

😍

I wanted these so bad!

Sophia Loren in Paris, 1956