Uh-oh! Dr. Xavier Pande, Esteemed Chemistry Professor, Accidentally Contaminated Our Sophomore Dorms

Uh-oh! Dr. Xavier Pande, esteemed chemistry professor, accidentally contaminated our sophomore dorm’s water supply. He’d been experimenting on a rapid weight-gain serum that activates when absorbed through the skin.

Dozens of our summer session students proved his formula’s working when they rapidly began expanding before each others’ eyes in the communal dorm showers!

Should we address the contamination? Or … ask Dr. Pande to make another batch? 😈

When a student isn’t achieving their full potential, we assign them a knowledgeable, well-fed upperclassman tutor who is authorized to use any motivation necessary to expand their knowledge (and waistlines). Here’s a few private sessions from our past school year!

Our nationally-ranked, incredibly-buoyant water polo team held their first practice of the season yesterday. Team captains Jason G. and Chris O. recreated a photo from the start of last year’s season, and let’s just say it really shows their growth as Pfatter U student-athletes!

BIG PFATTER U NEWS, straight from the desk of President Biggs:

“I hear our university has amassed a huge following on social media. While we don’t have room for all of you in our incoming class, we want to offer our followers the full Pfatter U experience by accepting ARTISTIC COMMISSIONS! What sort of photos can we provide for you? Well, as our motto goes, Dream Big!”

Be sure to DM us for more details! 🐷

It’s September and classes are back in session at Pfatter U. To celebrate, we are proud to announce the debut of our new, self-service Thickening Machines!

Developed in our biology labs, the machines are able to rapidly add fat cells to any student body - an athlete looking for a competitive advantage or a slim freshman looking for some more weight to throw around.

The good news is they’re 95% accurate! The other 5% of the time, it triples the subject’s weight. Hope they don’t mind! Something tells us these Thickening Machines will get a lot of us this semester. Want to see more results?

How do the new recruits react to their first couple pounds when they get on campus?

Our students start to see the effects of the calorie-dense dining hall food far before their freshman year starts. Most of them are shocked to find they’ve gained 15-20 lbs by the end of their incoming-student orientation! Here’s Landon and Nick, from last summer.

Our first orientation for the 24-25 school year ends in a few days. Wanna see the results? Let us know!