BIG PFATTER U NEWS, Straight From The Desk Of President Biggs:

BIG PFATTER U NEWS, straight from the desk of President Biggs:

“I hear our university has amassed a huge following on social media. While we don’t have room for all of you in our incoming class, we want to offer our followers the full Pfatter U experience by accepting ARTISTIC COMMISSIONS! What sort of photos can we provide for you? Well, as our motto goes, Dream Big!”

Be sure to DM us for more details! 🐷

Uh-oh! Dr. Xavier Pande, esteemed chemistry professor, accidentally contaminated our sophomore dorm’s water supply. He’d been experimenting on a rapid weight-gain serum that activates when absorbed through the skin.

Dozens of our summer session students proved his formula’s working when they rapidly began expanding before each others’ eyes in the communal dorm showers!

Should we address the contamination? Or … ask Dr. Pande to make another batch? 😈

We challenged our students who are stuck at home for the summer: dig through your childhood bedroom, dust off those high school sports uniforms, and try them on to show us the progress you’ve made since enrolling at Pfatter U.

Let’s just say they did NOT disappoint! Let’s admire their gains - and encourage them to go for more!

Asher L., former long-distance runner

Manny R., former lightweight wrestler

Jamie O., former soccer star

Ethan Z., former baseball shortstop

Stefan A., former lacrosse bro

Aaron S., former competitive diver

“I was sad to hear that Erik wouldn’t be my RA again for my sophomore year. He got placed in a dorm across campus. But at least once a week we’d meet up at the Pfatter U all-you-can-eat dining hall - he’d keep refilling my plate and ask me how life on the hockey team was going. By the end of the season, they moved me to goalie, since I had grown so much I took up the entire net. I think I have Erik to thank for that!” - Freddie L., sophomore

How do the new recruits react to their first couple pounds when they get on campus?

Our students start to see the effects of the calorie-dense dining hall food far before their freshman year starts. Most of them are shocked to find they’ve gained 15-20 lbs by the end of their incoming-student orientation! Here’s Landon and Nick, from last summer.

Our first orientation for the 24-25 school year ends in a few days. Wanna see the results? Let us know!

Our nationally-ranked, incredibly-buoyant water polo team held their first practice of the season yesterday. Team captains Jason G. and Chris O. recreated a photo from the start of last year’s season, and let’s just say it really shows their growth as Pfatter U student-athletes!