Lmao This Is Genius!

lmao this is genius!

In which the Sorting Hat is Very Bitter

Okay, so let’s say McGonagall decided to have the Sorting Hat choose compatible roommate pairs for eighth years. 

Only then it put Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy together.

So McGonagall determined that this was clearly a mistake and the Sorting Hat just wasn’t meant to choose anything but Houses, and she gave up on the whole idea and chose all the pairs herself: notably Harry with Ron and Draco with Blaise.

But by the end of the year, those particular pairs have switched places because Harry and Draco started dating and shagging all the time, and Ron and Blaise bonded over their mutual cringing and love of chess and beer.

And McGonagall eventually realizes what’s happened and is absolutely shocked. She wonders belatedly if she oughtn’t have let Hermione Granger and Millicent Bulstrode, or Pansy Parkinson and Susan Bones, or even Theo Nott and Neville Longbottom also room together and possibly become friends that year.

But the worst part of it doesn’t happen until next year’s sorting ceremony, when the hat opens its brim and starts to sing the song it’s been working on all year:

Oh, McGonagall’s our Headmistress and she is really great but sometimes even she can make a horrendous mistake

Like ignoring the advice of a hat that’s very smart a hat that has been sorting Hogwarts students since its start

I told her many pairings and she second-guessed them all Yet it wasn’t ‘till the last one that she met her downfall

Potter and Malfoy would go well with certainty I said and as you all have heard by now they like to share a bed

But she said ‘no’ and ripped me from my place upon this stool and then she did the sorting she thought the best for the school

But because I know your minds and I never get it wrong she messed it up and forced me to compose this bitter song

Yes Parkinson and Bones became the very best of mates And Longbottom and Nott will be good friends until they date

Potter’s in love with Malfoy and they even share their pants Don’t let your preconceptions stop you giving me a chance

Don’t make the same mistake as her Accept the place you get For if you doubt my sorting I promise you will regret

Headmistress McGonagall can attest on my behalf I’m sure she will think twice next time now I’ve had the last laugh

I felt so happy and in that instant moment my fingers itched to send you a text about my achievement to include you in my joy. But I didn't. You hadn't knocked me for a week after that last goodnight I sent you and how could I just text you out of the blue now like I always used to do? I used to do it; I did it a lot. But you see, you never knocked me first or initiated a conversation. It was always me texting you first and sounding needy even when I was telling you about my perfect day. I missed your presence in sadness and in bliss and you, you barely acknowledged mine. So I didn't knock you. And a wall started growing between us until there was just nothing more to say. But I miss you; I still do.

They chained my limbs to the wall and then asked me why I didn't leave. Oh how I smiled at myself, all amused by the irony.

No one cares if I cry at 4am wishing to die.

(via carlhandy)