I Gotchu

I gotchu

why did you do it

The funny part is that the guy's real name was Joseph but he got the nickname "Bum" because when he was a kid, he was obsessed with the local fire station across the street from his childhood home. He would constantly stalk it and ask firefighters to do stuff for him, hence he was the "little bum" ("bum" is an American slang term for asking for free favors-- most commonly to "bum a cigarette" meaning to ask for a cigarette). He kept up this behavior as an adult.

The way the guy presented himself is striking too to say the least. Dude loved his bright red suits with rose-tinted glasses and gold jewelry, complete with a golden fire axe that he wore on his tie. He also had a lime-green Ford Galaxie 500 (basically a very weird mid-tier sedan decorated like a luxury car) labeled "El Jefe" ("the chief" in Spanish). And he smoked massive cigars. And he performed elaborate Santeria rituals on his car's fender during local highschool baseball games for good luck.

He was also noted for an incident where he jumped into a canal shortly after extinguishing a fire, believing the canal to be a swimming pool, and had to be rescued because he couldn't swim.

His disappearance probably related to his involvement in marijuana and cocaine dealing, which got started when the economy went south in the area. Surprisingly, this was pretty normal in Key West in the 70's-- people tended to view it as just a career some people had, like shrimping, rather than this big bad thing. It was so not stigmatized that this man could be seen selling drugs in the open right outside of his office as fire chief. Really, people were probably more unhappy with the charges that he embezzled state funds, which he beat thanks to a sketchy counsel that included his nephew. But Florida Governor Reubin Askew (another "yes really"-ass name right there) was tough-on-crime and especially tough-on-drugs. He collaborated with the DEA to launch Operation Conch, a sting operation dedicated to busting drug dealings in Key West. Informant Titus Walker and agent Larry Dollar (disappointingly inferior names, although there is something to be said for getting done in by the Dollar) got Bum Farto to deliver cocaine and he was officially busted.

Farto lost his beloved Ford Galaxie that day, and went on to have a speedy trial where he was easily found guilty. On the eve of his formal sentencing, he told his wife he had business to take care of in Miami and drove off in a Pontiac LeMans. The car was found abandoned near Miami, but Farto was never seen again. It's thought by US authorities that he briefly settled down in Golfito, Costa Rica (where the US embassy reported an attempt to renew his passport) but left in 1979 when there was a crackdown on fugitives in the area. Many of the locals of Key West believe he was murdered for knowing too much, like Titus Walker was. His attorney is noted for wearing a custom T-shirt that proclaimed that Bum was in Spain and doing well, but that has never been substantiated.

Basically, the man was a fire-station obsessed thief who tried to use a random canal as a swimming pool despite not being capable of swimming. His prized possession was a car straight out of a cartoon, and he dressed like a 90's pimp more than 20 years before the 90's began. He practiced Santeria rituals to help the local high schools win baseball games. He dealt drugs in public but needed a sting operation from Governor Sideways Sandwich to be busted. And then he just straight up vanished into thin air.

This guy isn't a Star Wars background character-- he's a fucking Gravity Falls protagonist. Fucker was in Weirdness Town, Oregon where he impersonated the local recluse for 30 years and punched trigonometry in the face. This is facts, fight me.

Sources:

https://www.dannydutch.com/post/the-mystery-of-bum-farto-key-west-s-drug-dealing-fire-chief-that-vanished

https://www.mentalfloss.com/posts/bum-farto-key-west-fire-chief-mystery

https://fieldethos.com/the-legend-of-bum-farto/

Star Wars ass name

Where is that user who drowns posts in water when we need them?

lord the peasants are so loud today

I'm going to take a shot at transcription:

BILL'S EXES A fully blacked out and burned section that will have a QR code launching to a website where Bill details his various brief disastrous attempts at romance, as well as embarrassing drunk texts from his flip phone. (Bill still has a flip phone, the Henchmaniacs all make fun of him about it)

BILL'S MYSTERIOUS ORIGINS Bill will offer several competing backstories about where he originally came from, which will be equally ridiculous and contradictory. It will be clear that this is a sore spot for Bill, and his inability to talk about it will reveal a weak spot in the all powerful demon. He will want to change the subject, and will change it to-

BILL DRUNK TEXTING FORD FROM A FLIP PHONE HAS ME FUCKING GONE AND THE HENCHMANIACS MAKE FUN OF HIM FOR IT

Is this motivation?