Okay, Here Is My Small And Spontaneous Rant About One Of The Things That I Didn't Like About Transformers

Okay, here is my small and spontaneous rant about one of the things that I didn't like about Transformers Earthspark (so far, at least).

It's just my opinion based on the first 10 episodes of Earthspark. I'm currently rewatching it with the goal of picking apart things I didn't like, since the first time I've watched it was for pure entertainment. So my opinion can change for better or worse. Anyway...

A strange choice in Thrash's character.

Kinda spoilers for Earthspark, if you squint at my schizo break, so be advised.

I dont mean his whole character. In fact, he is my favorite so far, I love my Terran baby very much.

I know that this show is targeted towards younger audience and sort of screams "we want to appeal to children", in humor also. The humor in this show is okay, it's not bad, or super funny, or overly childish, but one part of it is what I saw only in Thrash yet, and it made me worried about him. That part being the good ol' "character gets bonked by something and that is funny".

It's not the same as comic relief characters, whose whole existence is meant to be just it, but it's not good either. Seriously, Thrash was hit by something (his doing mostly)/fell from somewhere way too much for my liking so far and it was intended to be funny/joke, which creates an uneasiness in me, because I saw this happen to good characters way too much lately.

And Thrash is a good character. He is B A B Y in every sense of the word, fun loving, energetic and goofy. But that "goofy" gets to this dangerous line of him turning into a comedic relief when you know his character by his "something fell on his head", "he fell from somewhere" first and other aspect of him later.

I would love to call Thrash clumsy, but he is not. Have you seen him transform? Mf mixes his transformation with breakdancing! He is also pretty agile and was shown to be able to learn how to play and instrument, not to break it because he is clumsy. Also, he is a motorcycle for God's sake.

So, what is going on? Why? To be silly/goofy to entertain children? Well, yes, but why to this extreme? There are a lot of ways to make funny moments without using only hitting/falling trope to reach this goal of making funny character and not downgrade them in the process.

Not to mention that Thrash is kind of falling behind Twitch already, and that contrast paints him more... less, if that makes sense.

But that's the story for another day.

IT'S OUR BOY!

It's time for me clear my mind on one topic. Kind off.

Warning: strong language, extreme self-hate, depression, death, suicide mention.

TL;DR: My mental health is nonexistent. I hate myself and everything I do.

To understand why this happened, I need to clarify some things. Am I writing this for someone to read as well? Am I writing this for myself? I don't know, but I just need some sort of a reminder where something bad transformed into another form of "bad". I will skip A LOT of stuff that happened along with describing events and will tone done a lot of what is written. I know the details. I know people. I hate it.

And if someone else is reading this, know this: I never was and never will think of my "good" actions that I describe here as an act of indescribable goodness and kindness that should be seen as some kind of sacrifice of my mental health and that it should be taken as such, and that I should get any praise for it. It was nothing. It's not a sacrifice. It wasnt done to get any points. Other people suffered and experienced worse. What I felt and what I experienced does not matter. It's not about me. Never was and never will be.

You will understand what I'm talking about later.

For me this year started bad. Really bad. One of my family members died after 8 years of pretty miserable life (God rest their soul). Their death was something that we all saw coming sooner or later, but the events that led to it and what was happening with them and our family in those 8 years were pretty depressing and pitiful. I won't go in details, but many, MANY tears were shed and a lot of work, effort and money went in vain.

And despite all of us understanding that their death will come soon, it still happened suddenly, without any warning. Looking back at it, I now understand that it strongly affected only two people, me being one of them, but for the whole different reasons. I was, and still, extremely scared about second person. I will never know everything that happened in their life, because in my late 20 I'm still learning something knew about their life and a lot of it is really fucked up. But paired with what I knew at the time of the death or our family member and, well, with the death itself, I was seriously thinking that they will take their life. The first three or four days I was watching over them day and night, sometimes sitting near their bed all night long. Some nights I was in the middle of my room, sitting in the chair and listening to every sound regardless of how small it was, just to be sure that the person in the room next to mine was okay. That they won't do anything. It was scary.

And after just 10 or so days after, another thing happened that affected only me and affected pretty strong. What I'm going to say is not an exaggeration, nor it's said to paint me as some sort of fucking saint and definitely not to make people go "oh no, poor baby" or "i understand what you mean". I dont need this pity, because it's not about me, it's about what makes me feel this way. And no, you dont understand what I mean. And probably never will. I want to explain why it came to what it came to in the end. This caused me so much pain in the past and to this day it still hurts.

I love humanity. I love humans. I love them so fucking much. It doesn't matter to me what is their religion, where they are from, what language they are speaking, etc. But almost every year, if not three months, they do something so stupid, violent and plain dumb, that it just... hurts. Very much. It's like someone spits in your very soul, betrays you, your love. Sometimes, they even target you, but not because it's you, but because it's... a part of something bigger. And when everything happens, you see the almost the ugliest that humans get get, what they can be and what they are. Sometimes it's on a global scale, sometimes it's makes itself small and local. Sometimes it's both. Sometimes it's right here. And like a complete idiot, you still believe in them and love them unconditionally. And the cycle repeats.

It's not like I dont know that people are capable of doing despicable shit, or betray, or kill each other over the dumbest things. I'm not naive. I'm dumb. Because despite all of the ugliest things I still love them. And when it hits, it hits.

So when after the death of a family member I was blasted from a completely another direction, I was annihilated. I can't even start to describe how bad it was paired with the grief and another thing that was happening with us. I saw that family, despite being one, is not. At all. Only one of them is and they were suffering from it pretty, pretty badly.

At some point I understood that I'm useless. I can't do anything that matters, nor I can say anything that would matter anything to anyone. That person whom I watched over one day said that they don't get why I'm suddenly all around them and care about them so much. That hurt. Very much.

A lot of things were also going on simultaneously, some of them family related, some not. But they also brought us a lot of pain. And for me, an understanding that, once again, I'm useless, I'm nothing and nobody. And with everything before that realization, it spiraled down for me.

All of it in a span of 13 days.

I wanted to kill myself. One time I almost did. And it all was silent. No one knew. No one needed to.

The next months were hell. Thoughts about how everything is, well, is, how am I and what am I never left my mind, and were constantly rotating in my head at Mach's speed. I wasn't able to do anything that I wanted to or what I liked to, because at first I thought that I have no right to return to normal life after our grief, but after that, it was just... everything else.

It's true, I did some things. I kept going out with my friends, drawing stuff. But every get together with some pals was just a distraction that had an end. Hiding my mental problems 24/7 for the past 8 years and especially now, from my family, work and friends affected my interactions with all of them, and I can see and feel it. I hate it, but can't do anything about it. When I'm out I act wild, exaggerated and loud. Maybe it's a facade to hide shit from them, maybe I'm losing my mind, I dont know. Whatever it is -it is not me and I hate it, but it already became a part of me, a part what everybody knows about me.

And as for making art... After a some time without any practice I lost my skill and now I'm spewing out one crooked piece every now and then. It takes me incredibly long time to make something simple, because I just forgot how to and can't do that anymore. I'm trying to practice, but working 8 hours a day, getting home late and have only two days at home that also requires some help or stuff done, doesnt really leave that much time for it.

Or maybe I just got lazy. It's true that I dont a whole day to draw, but I do have it sometimes, so... why I'm not doing it? Did I got lazy during this time of chaos, or am I afraid to started drawing because I know that it will take me days to do something that other do in half an hour? Or is it because I cant deliver a good piece regardless? Perhaps, it's all at once. I hate it either way.

And another thing that happened to me in art sphere is getting some sort of feedback. Dont get me wrong, I love it, I do a happy dance every time someone puts their thoughts in reblog tags here, or sends me DM, or comments on it on Twitter. But it also puts a pressure on me.

Now, if someone who left a feedback is reading this part, know that I love you and in no shape or form I mean that you are a problem or a bad person. It just how my brain reacts to things nowadays.

When I see people voicing their opinions and love for something that I've made, I immediately think "I got to make more, so people can be happy more and get what they clearly want more of" . And that poses a problem, because, as I've already said, I can't draw for shit this days. Want an example? I drew THIS in two days. Two. Days. Not because I didn't wanted to, but because I couldn't draw a face. At all. And the worst part? Now I can't draw even something simple like this at all. I'm serious. But people loved it, so I want to draw more, but I cant and I get depressed again. And then it repeats. You get the picture.

And the worst part is that I hate every single piece that I've made so far. I just dont like them. Because how they look, because how I drew them and especially how much time it took for me to do something so simple. And that I cant even recreate what I drew myself. And as a result, I hate myself for it. Again.

Now, what in the fuck is the point of all this schizo break? I dont know. Clear my mind? Explain something? Reflect on something? Nothing? Only time will tell. Or wont.

Love you all. Stay safe.

P.S. Rita, I know you are reading this. Please, dont say anything. Or ask anything. It will sort itself out. At least, let's hope it does.

Small spoiler for the postcard that I’ve made for Undertale Halloween Zine! Will post full work on Halloween or a little after.

And I have another cool news regarding another Zine, but we’ll have to wait a little until everything is decided.

- Armada Cyclonus and Demolishor for TF Zine by me, haha. I love these two goofy characters, but it’s a shame what happened to them in Energon and Cybertron…

Please, make a reblog or Follow me here or on Twitter if you like my work - it really helps me!  

Postcard for the Undertale Halloween Zine featuring my fav monster

Please, make a reblog or Follow me here or on Twitter if you like my work - it really helps me!