I Feel Sad Oh No

i feel sad oh no

[11:51 pm]

“she’s so pretty what am i supposed to do?!” renjun’s hushed whisper echoes from your laptop, prompting your head to snap towards the screen.

it was late, your group had decided to work on your project that was due the next day. with you being the only girl in the group, a deep intense blush situates itself on your cheeks—was he talking about you?

“um… renjun, your mic is on.” jaemin grins secretly, your whole group watching as renjun’s eyes widen and his camera shuts off.

“s-sorry!”

i’m in class but all i can think about is cmar by @minniepetals and wanting to write for the dreamies *sobs in a heap*

should i start writin for txt…?

i bored out of my miiind but i know damn well that i’ve got homework piling up in my laptop… welp! i come with a non-idol!jeno x college!reader.

warning/s: heavy angst :(, jeno kinda being an ass, reader gets scolded by their prof because of low grades.

i love you, so — ljn.

in which love has taught you that letting go is part of the journey.

—

being in love with lee jeno was easy. with his beautiful smile and heart of gold, falling for him felt inevitable. you both had been high school sweethearts, your schoolmates gushed over the two of you—watching as you both pined over the other for months.

“just ask him out, y/n!” your best friend siwoo encourages, her cheeks puffing with the sweet tea that was served along with your lunch in the cramped cafeteria. you felt your face burn at the thought. jeno was assigned as your seatmate in chemistry the previous year and he was once again placed next to you in your geometry class that year.

siwoo smiles at the pink covering your cheeks, her hand coming up to shove you by your shoulders. “you’re such a whipped fool! he obviously is too, so what’s stopping you?”

you falter at her question, thinking about the amount of girls who also noticed jeno’s amazing personality and bright expressions. jeno certainly was not lacking in terms of admirers and he knew that. but each and everytime, he’d accept the various girls’ chocolates and gifts with a small smile on his face—hushed whispers of gentle rejections and apologies would leave his lips time and time again. you didn’t feel like having your heart bruised in that way, your feelings for him were pure—raw. you were only 16, and with jeno being your first major crush in a long time, you certainly weren’t ready for that kind of heartbreak.

but, to jeno, you were the one girl he was actually hoping to approach him. it wasn’t like he didn’t want to do it on his own, more like he was too scared to. sure, he had a lot of admirers in his grade and even in the ones above him, but none of them really had his heart racing, the thought of grasping your hand in his was the only thing that consumed his thoughts when you both would be diligently writing notes for the classes you shared together, geometry especially.

so as the year drew to a close—jeno works up the courage to ask you out. his friends sniggering nearby, his normally pale cheeks were bright pink as his hand reached up to scratch at the back of his neck nervously. you were thoroughly amused at the sight, lee jeno who was usually very composed and organized was standing in front of you stuttering and stumbling over his words.

“h-hi y/n! um—i was just uh wondering if you were um… free this friday? or anytime really!” he’d internally cringe, the invitation not coming across as comfortable or fluid as he wanted it to be. “hey! uh yeah i’m free friday after school… what’s got you asking that though?”

you smile at him and he nearly doubles over from the amount of butterflies fluttering in his stomach.

“then um…would you mind going out on a date with me? on friday. after school.” he smiles, the nervousness clear in his eyes as you stare at him—momentarily stunned. to you, he looked absolutely adorable, one hand on the strap of his backpack and the other sitting on the back of his neck. your eyes catch the heads of na jaemin and mark lee peaking from the end of the hall, their eyes curious and excited—their cheeks tinting after being caught.

with a smile, you agree. not just to your first date at this mall jeno takes you to that friday, but to the next date at the movies, another at the library, and another at this run down cafe you both soon decide to be your regular date spot.

where it all goes wrong, you wouldn’t know. people often ask you what happened and truthfully, you couldn’t give them a proper explanation. not to your worried best friend once she sees the redness of your eyes and puffiness of your cheeks, not to your worried parents when they see just how much you’ve lost weight.

they didn’t understand why suddenly the frames of you and jeno around your room were taken down and locked away in a taped cardboard box. your heart clenched at the emptiness of your room walls, your skin already missing the feeling of the charm bracelet he had gifted you just as you both had graduated from high school.

when college had rolled around, you were scared. and so was he, but that feeling quickly dissipated as you enjoyed your summer together—laughing with your hands swinging between the two of you, crying at the saddest movies while cuddled up in the other’s arms, and rejoicing when you discovered you were accepted into the same college. life seemed to be going smoothly, your heart only growing to love the beautiful boy.

“i’ll call you, yeah? i have a long day but i shouldn’t be back at my dorm later than six.” he promised as he pressed a kiss to your cheek, running towards huang renjun—one of his long time best friends since high school. they waved at you as you both went your separate ways.

true to his word, jeno did call. he always did. it was his way of making sure you were okay and despite not being able to stay in each other’s arms at night—seeing your face and hearing your voice was all he needed for a good night’s sleep and a wonderful morning as he opens is phone to a sweet ‘good morning :)’ from you.

but the days had gotten rough. jeno slowly stops calling, but you understand, college wasn’t an easy thing—and to demand calls from your boyfriend would never be something you could put onto him. so, you continue on with your days. smiling and laughing with your classmates as you stress over the upcoming finals.

the first fight was very subtle. his change of behavior confused you, jeno was straightforward, so if something was wrong he would’ve told you by now. and when your schedule permits—you’re knocking at his door with your hand tightly gripping the strap of your bag.

“oh. hey y/n!” renjun smiles, ushering you in as he yells for jeno, the boy had just come out of the shower—his wet hair and slightly wet jeans say as much, and his eyes shine with surprise seeing you standing in the middle of their dorm.

“jeno.” you breathe, your lips tugging into a small smile st the sight of your boyfriend. he returns the smile, renjun silently excuses himself to give the both of you your own time.

you watch us as he awkwardly takes his seat on his bed, “i just wanted to check up on you. you uh—haven’t been calling lately so…”

jeno swallows, his hand reaching to scratch the back of his neck as he mumbles his reply.

“yeah. finals have been kind of rough, you know?” you not in agreement. the tests have been killing you as well, you wouldn’t deny that. but you couldn’t help but feel the awkward tension in the small room as a weird silence engulfs the two of you.

“so uh—why else are you here, y/n?” jeno’s question roots you to your spot near his door. you didn’t know why the simple question hurt you, but your heart ached all the same.

“um… no reason, i guess. i just missed you..?” you mumbled, rubbing your arm as you watched jeno’s eyes widen in surprise.

“oh… i’m sorry, y/n.” he sighs slightly, prompting you to come closer and wrap his arms around you.

you wouldn’t see him much even after that day, after cuddling in his arms and exchanging stories until renjun comes back from wherever he had wandered off too.

“have you seen your grades ms. y/l/n?! they’re awful! how can you expect to stay in this school when your grades are as horrid as these!” your proeffesor shouts, papers scattering as he slams yours onto his table. you were standing in front of him, your head hanging low as your heart pounds against your chest.

“get out. i expect to see improvement or else i’m dropping you from my class.” you bow in respect, murmuring a small applogy before rushing out of the suffocating room.

the world seems to be spinning, your mind wanting nothing more than to see jeno. the tears gathering in your eyes sting as you try your hardest not to cry. you’re shaking as you pull out your phone, your fingers immediately going to open up your chat with your boyfriend.

you: hey. are you free?

your message is simple, and jeno reads it almost immediately. you watch as the small chat bubble bounces in the corner of your screen—and his response comes quick.

loml ljn: i’m busy. maybe another time? sorry.

of course. he was busy. it seemed he was always busy, too busy to call, too busy to talk. but you understood. it was hard and you knew that, but sometimes the world pushes you too hard.

you: even just for a call? i need you jeno :(

you breathe out shakily. feeling your heart start to race as the grip you had on your phone tightens.

loml ljn: i’m studying, y/n. i’m so sorry babe. can i call you next time?

sighing to yourself, you decide not to reply any further and opt to walk towards the small cafe sitting in the midst of your campus. the smell of coffee wafts into your nose as the happy server greets you brightly from behind the counter.

you place your order of an iced caramel macchiato before trudging towards the empty table further into the cafe. your mind was rushing as you take out your phone and plugging in your earohones to listen to any kind of music that would calm the racing heart in your chest.

one fight slowly turns to two. then three, then four, then—you lose count. you were physically tired of defending the boy simply because ‘school is hard. i get it’. but you didn’t. you didn’t understand why he had suddenly grown irritable when you would send him a simple ‘hi’ over chat. you didn’t understand why he suddenly found you to be the most annoying thing in the planet.

“will you stop dropping by?” jeno’s irritated voice pierces through you as he roughly opens the door to his dorm. his hair was disheveled—like he had just rolled out of bed. you felt bad, but you pushed yourself to stand your ground.

his eyes travel towards the plastic bag hanging from your fingers, “jeno, i just wanted to talk.”

he scoffs, “and i don’t. ‘kay? i’ll see you next time, y/n.”

his cold tone snaps something in you, pushing your foot between his door and the wall, preventing the boy from closing it fully.

“i’m tired, jeno. what’s going on?” you breathe exasperatedly, you could only take so much. your heart hurt at the growing distance between you two. what happened?

“nothing! will you stop being pushy?!” jeno growls, his eyes narrowing into slits as they glare straight at you. you flinch, which goes unnoticed by the boy, so you choose to ignore it too.

your heart pounds, watching your boyfriend grow increasingly more angry with you. but no. you needed answers and you needed them now.

“why can’t you tell me what’s going on? there’s obviously something bothering you. jeno, i love you! so—“

“and i don’t!”

the world seems to slow around you. the silence that follows his confession is deafening. his chest is rising and falling, the anger rolling off him in waves. his eyes stare coldly into yours, and you feel your heart break when you can’t seem to find any sort of remorse in his eyes.

“what?” your whisper is small, broken. but the teenage boy doesn’t seem to care.

“i don’t love you. not anymore. you’ve become so needy! so clingy, so—“

your sniffle cuts him off. you weren’t one to cry easily—or he didn’t know you to easily cry. the only times he’s ever seen you cry was over the notebook one summer ago. he watches as the tears fall from your eyes—you struggle to breathe as you drop the plastic bag from your hands. a pack of both of your favorite ice cream spills from it as you bring your hands to cover your mouth.

“how long have you felt this way?” you whisper, your eyes already starting to redden. he feels a twinge of guilt in his chest as he sighs deeply.

“…about a month.”

nodding, you turn away from him. your nails digging into the palms of your hands as you slip the charm bracelet that hands from your wrist.

“y-y/n. wait—!”

“let me go, jeno.” your soft whisper surprises him, the grip he had on your wrist loosens as you drop the bracelet onto the table he and renjun had next to his dorm’s door. he lets you leave, watching silently as you close his door.

you had no idea how everything had spiralled out of control. you didn’t know, was it your fault? certainly not..? your heart ached the further you got from jeno’s dorm, the tears seemed neverending even as you lay in your bed—mind racing even as you fell asleep with your hands clutching the blanket around your body and dried tears on your cheeks.

how had it come to this? you didn’t know. and you probably never would.

—

should i make a rec blog omfg