Rose-m4ry - Counting Down

At the same time it's fascinating to think about. I remember being 6, staring at the corner of a table and gaining awareness of my growing conscience. My back burned everytime I did something wrong and that's when I realized that I was starting to understand the concept of remorse and consequence. It was a small moment of "Huh, things are changing."

Now it's the same thing but with the increasing awareness that I am so far from being a developed, fleshed out human being, that there's so much more ahead of me and whatever I thought was the entire world when I was 12 I now know was a small, narrow portion of it.

It's inevitable. There is a world beyond me that I don't know about. I am so small. We are so small. I'm trying to learn everyday, but I no longer want to pressure myself to understand everything at once the same way I did when I was 14. The fact is that I'm immature and ignorant and I won't be ashamed of it anymore in the way that I won't be ashamed to learn.

I'm so fucking tired of being a teenager but it's also so funny. So so fucking funny. "Oh god!! What if this is just like all those years ago?! I knew I've always been fucked up, I'll never change!" And then 'all those years ago' is when you were 12-14. Bitch you'll be fine

Devin Kelly, from "Deer on the Side of an American Highway"

So much to be said about the time I was depending on toxic motivation videos for school and how I only started to sincerely enjoy learning when I stopped associating it with my self worth and more with the desire to understand the world around me. I've talked about it with a friend before but workaholism and grind culture are one of the most acceptable and even encouraged forms of self harm that masquerades self destruction as productivity.

The reality it is so much easier to destroy yourself when the world is actively encouraging you to, and it is so hard to understand yourself as a human being with value outside of work. Mitski really was right when she said self-preservation is an act of revolution.

Fml

"It was September. In the last days when things are getting sad for no reason."

– Ray Bradbury