Dreamy

dreamy

cr: ig

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people pleasing will be the death of me. it’s ruining my head. my sense of who i am feels so fragile and fake, like i’m in a liminal space between my grounded identity and a floating, dreamlike persona. i think i’m finally exhausted. i’m afraid of how untethered i am to my interests and aspirations and how much more willing i am to make someone else is happier. it’s only at my expense. it’s my fault. bell hooks taught me that i’ll never find love if i’m a liar, and she’s right. i only lie to please. i’m a hot-blooded deceiver. what i think doesn’t matter to me. i’ll be your doormat completely. i’ll do it for free. in some twisted way, i believe asserting normal boundaries is a cruel act, and i’m mean for doing it - where on earth is my self-respect? will i die old and withered, unhappy and unloved, because my fraud-of-a-persona made me forget who i am and what i like? i’ll let girls use my friendship like disposable income and i’ll apologise on behalf of men who treat me two-dimensionally. bell hooks, bell hooks, bell hooks; you told me it’s all about love, but if i’m stuck pretending to be someone else, will they love me, or only my people pleasing?

what are the top lockdown twitch streams that you recommend people watch??

this is actually my expert field and i thank you SO much for asking

my faves (that are available on youtube) are:

1. f1 drivers racing lawn mowers

- iconic, a whole entire mess, who knows what was going on, cut my english garden innit

2. trucking with charles and george

- the fact this stream was at like 9am-ish deserves its own analysis but the home of so many iconic moments ‘charles someone says you look like mattia binotto’ ‘okay’ ‘are these glasses to see or are they for style’ ‘no no to see..although i see anyway’ ‘go left go left’ ‘lEfT?’

3. reverse track stream

- the infamous ‘GEORGE’ stream but honestly this whole thing starting with these exact quotes should tell you enough honestly:

george: boiiiiiiis bois bois bois

alex: euGeugh

charles in a chipmunk voice: hello

4. bruno diaz

- a rare winter lockdown stream feature, the sheer amount of hopeless tech difficulty at the start is worth it for the live pringles ad reaction cam at the end

5. would all die in a war zone

- i haven’t watched this one in a while but i recall SO many technical difficulties until we got to the gems that were ‘i like that when you died you blamed me like. oh alex. as if im in control of your thumbs’ and ‘you are trying to downgrade my talent’ and ‘a red banana’ ‘yeah an apple’ ‘a red banana is not an apple’

extremely special shoutouts to:

lando vs wasp (the it’s raising its rear ride height it’s a red bull will never ever leave my brain i laugh every time) & alexs strange noise/did you shit on yourself alex clip

i pray that aug, sep, oct, nov and dec are all months full of growth, blessings, productivity, new doors open and opportunities