Ellie And Dina Spoiler Warning:

Ellie and Dina Spoiler warning:

I think Ellie feels guilt for spending the night with Dina, when Jesse told them that Tommy and Joel didn't show up.

I think she feels like she might have been able to find them earlier than she did and possibly even saved Joel if she weren't distracted during her time with Dina that night. It very likely contributed to her decision to go find Abby one last time, leaving her life with Dina behind - she might feel like she is partly to blame and must make it right. That she didn't really deserve what she had with Dina because it cost her Joel. That's why she left, in spite of her fear of losing Dina - her guilt was greater.

Being in the world as a lonely thing Turned my sensitivities into fingers I pull the sleeves over to keep from being seen The details are frightening to anyone I show them to I stare at an ant carrying the corpse of another and know the tragedy is mine alone

Every day is a violent survival of ruin like when a tree feller cut a neighbour's perfect, infringing tree down and I couldn't defend it My anguish contained within the bounds of this body I know is too thin In the heavy silence of feeling what will not be spoken nor heard Wind, take my fingers Ravens, take my eyes Oceans, take my blood I want to give my heart back to the fabric that nobody else can wear.

My grandfather died last night. I think one important part of getting through the heartbreak of a break-up is learning to do the hard stuff alone.

If I didn't put myself into the world every day. Think. Write. Be real. I fear I might dissolve into the cold silence, the eternity of aloneness I know is waiting for me once I stop. And the proximity to stopping grows ever nearer.

I don't really know what I hope for, in writing about my inner world. Indeed, my worry and pain. It alienates people. It exhausts them. What makes me think I'll become real if I speak it? What makes me think the world is changed in any way because I put these thoughts into it? It is both from a place of arrogance and zero worth and that is the weirdest meeting of polarity.

It's 6 months post break-up and while I don't intend to keep using that as a marker of time passing in my life, I want to explain how much less physical affection I have. I don't sleep next to anyone, I haven't been held.

I don't have many friends either and while I am ok, the days go by and I feel less and less like a creature meant to have been touched.

I think I might cry if someone ever holds my hand again.