Discord Mod Rindou Is Actually So SO Good Idc Idc If I Walked In His Room And I See 3 Monitors And Neon

discord mod rindou is actually so SO good idc idc if i walked in his room and i see 3 monitors and neon lights im sitting right on his lap as hes playing valorant <3

yeah ran is definitely that boyfriend that goes into the dressing room with you and it actually is ruining my life

like hes taking you shopping and he cares about how something will look on you, hes the one that picked out more than half the little pieces that dangle over his forearm for you, of course he wants to see how they sit on your skin; aesthetics are his thing

and so as soon as you slip your form into a slinky little number of a dress hes right at your nape, zipping you up, soothing down the material, never greedy with his words of praise to your appearance and this process repeats for hours until you're walking out with a sleek black bag (or two) in hand while your hand is cradled in his <3

sanzu is a desperate baby for attention

like once he gets a taste of companionship and comfort with someone he likes as much as he likes you he is just itching for your spotlight to be on him

his favorite thing to do is be home laying between your legs with his head resting on your chest and if your hands don't automatically go to play through his hair strands he WILL pout a little and when you have to get up to pee he WILL whine about how its too comfy you cant just leave

properly together | ran haitani x reader

tw: friends with benefits, implied cheating, implied underage illegal activities (lol), unestablished relationship (obviously) aaand that's it i think | if i missed something and it's worth mentioning here please do tell me.

wc: 6818

~

The windowsill in the boys’ bedroom of Haitani’s apartment is wide enough to fit three people and for that you are very grateful. 

The room is dark. The only light here is the streetlamp and that of the lit cigarette. Ran’s “Hero” smells bitter and they taste even worse. You wish he had bought menthol “Seven Stars”, but he said there were none of those in the vending machine and he was too tired to go somewhere else. You pout and he laughs, but you know that it’s the thought that matters and so you smoke “Hero”. The three of you share it together. 

It’s not really the smoking that you like. Quite the opposite. It’s the atmosphere that covers the entire world when Ran fishes out a pack out of his sweats, jeans or a cupboard. It’s the way he is the first one to light it and then he always gives it to Rindou - ladies first rule doesn’t work here - and only then it’s yours. Usually it already has a sweet taste to it. Of energy drink and something else that you can’t quite tell. You don’t mind it. And they don’t mind a stain of lipstick or gloss on it. 

You think, it only adds to experience. 

One after one, you smoke the whole pack. It’s a long night and neither of you wants to go to bed just yet. Ran had a bad day. He didn’t tell you that, but his body is tense as he lays between your legs, his back on your chest, and you can see how Rindou eyes him every now and then. Maybe something went shitty on the streets. It always does. Or maybe he had an argument with his mother again. They always have something to quarrel about. His way of living or her morals. 

You don’t pry though as prying never works with Ran. It only gets him angry. 

“Do you think we’ll miss this time when we get older?” It’s Rindou. The dawn won’t come if he hasn’t asked or said something pretentiously deep. Despite the teasing and snorting he gets from you and Ran, you genuinely love his questions. They make you think. “I mean. We won’t be sixteen. Like ever again. And I can’t imagine us sitting here in our thirties. Sharing a whole pack of cigarettes. That’s what teenagers do.”

Ran’s lips quiver and not from crying. With half-closed sleepy eyes he looks at his younger brother as if he is the dumbest person alive. You can’t see Ran’s face, but by the immediately offended look on Rindou’s, you can imagine it well. 

“You wouldn’t understand.” Rindou mutters, snatching a last cigarette out of Ran’s fingers. He gives it away easily. He laughs. 

“You are dumb. Why wouldn’t we be able to sit on the fucking windowsill and smoke some dumb cigarettes? Who’s gonna tell us no? They tell us no now and we are still doing it. So I don’t see why you are being sappy.” Ran raises his head that lays on your shoulder and tilts it to the side so he can see your face. “What do you think?”

The words are dead on your tongue. You don’t really know what to say or better how to phrase what you want to say. Everything seems not quite right. You blame the time and the fog of cigarettes that is overflowing your brain. You shouldn't smoke that much. 

The expectant look on Rindou’s face is what gets you talking and taking his side. If Ran is your best friend, Rindou is your soulmate. You love him a little more. “I do get you. It’s like we can’t ever get back to this. We might do whatever we want later, but this is not going to happen ever again. I think it’s sad too. I’ll miss these times.” 

“You are silly. When we get older I’ll be hella rich. I’ll buy us a penthouse and we’ll smoke the whole day by the open window if we want.” Ran’s hand reaches out for the cigarette and Rindou obediently gives it to him. Before he brings it to his mouth and finishes it off, he lets you take the last drag for this night. “I bet we also will smoke something better than this crap.” 

“There’s no windows in penthouses, dumbass. You can’t open them.” 

They bicker for some time and you tune out of it, appreciating the raw beauty of the moment instead. It’s summer and you don’t have school tomorrow and Ran promised he will take you to the party this weekend with him. And Rindou promised you will go to Kujukurihama beach to swim and sunbathe and if some of your female friends come too or covers for you, you can even stay overnight there. [You believe it’s stupid of your parents to tolerate your sleepovers at Haitani’s all the time, or rather they know you are here, but you tell them you aren’t and they are forced to believe you and you are also living on the same street which is another factor for them worrying much less. Still, you think it’s stupid. Not that you can do anything about it, either way.] And this summer is full of promises that are so basic for the people your age, it finally feels normal. 

Because before that was juvie and you were waiting for your best friends to get released. And after that was a lot of gangs and street fights and Ran dropping out of school with Rindou following him and them - but mostly Ran - trying to sustain the remains of their family. Their mom, a drinking shadow of what she once was. Their father, long forgotten. We are just kids, you think, and there’s a possibility they won’t even make it to their mid-twenties. What about the penthouse and windowsill and sharing a pack of cigarettes? What about it then? 

“What’s wrong?” Ran’s face is millimetres from yours. His body is a dead weight on you, pinning you down. You shove him in the shoulder as a signal to get off you, but he doesn’t get the memo. He presses his lips to your forehead. “I think you need to go to bed. You are tired.” 

Behind Ran’s back you can hear rustling of clothes and a small masked yawn which sounds more like a knowing sigh. Rindou’s feet spank the wooden floor and he winces. His legs are probably numb from sitting in a crumpled position for so long. He kisses your cheek goodnight. “Where are you sleeping today?” 

“Auntie said I can take the couch.” 

“Nah. Stay here. I’ll sleep there. You and Ran won’t wake up before noon anyways.” 

You want to stop him and say that he shouldn’t and that you all know you won’t really sleep in Rindou’s bed, but in Ran’s, because that’s what you’ve been doing for the last year and a little before that too. You want to catch Rindou’s wrist and stop him and tell him that you have no idea how it happened and why. That it has no meaning. That it’s just you and Ran comforting each other in a way no one ever can comfort either of you. Not even him. Their brother and a best friend. The soulmate. 

And so you let him go and he slips out of the room, winking at you before he closes the door. You think that he might do it for himself too, because it’s awkward listening to your and Ran’s whimpers, grunts, small giggles and moonlight promises that mean nothing in the light of the day. You think that’s the main reason. There’s no way Rindou doesn’t know.

It’s silent for a while. Ran’s laying on his side, his head on your chest and arms around your waist. You are afraid he’s fallen asleep. If he is there’ll be no way you could wake him up and be doomed to sleep on the windowsill with his weight stealing your every other breath away. 

There’s only one way to know. 

Gently you brush the long hair away from his face. You tuck them around his ear. A blonde strand, his natural hair colour that you love so much, gets caught in his earring. It’s a new one. The one he bought because the stripe on it was a purple colour. No way he wouldn’t have an earring that matches his eyes. “So. Wanna tell me what’s wrong?” He asks, opening his eyes. He grimaces when you tug on his hair a bit. 

“Should I take it off?” You are referring to the earring and when he nods a ‘yes’ you quickly work out the lock. It’s harder than you thought so it takes you a while. He patiently waits for you to be done.

When you don't speak he chuckles and you feel his smile on your skin, through the old worn out T-shirt you are wearing. “Was it your way to change the topic?” 

“Not really. No.” You shrug, finally done with his earring. You take it in your palm, caging it inside, so it won’t fall. “I mean I was thinking about what Rindou said and then I think I got overwhelmed. That’s it. Do you want to tell me what was bothering you? Another gang issue I won’t understand?” There’s much more to that simple “overwhelmed’. He’s well aware of that, but he also knows that you aren’t explaining it further for his sake. 

Because you don’t want to guilt trip him. 

Because you don’t believe he is to blame for anything that happened and will most definitely happen again. 

Because you don’t see him the way most people see him. 

Because you care. 

Because you love him in whatever way it is that you do. He’ll accept it. 

He accepts it then and reaches out to kiss you on this little spot under your jaw. 

“Not because you won’t understand, but because I don’t want you to think about it. Don’t want you to worry about me and Rin. We’ll be fine.” At this moment you are the same. You smile at him and hook your hands under his arms, bringing him closer to you, hugging him. Kissing his soft hair. “Get in bed. Let’s fall asleep while it’s still dark.” 

That night you don’t do anything besides sharing lazy sloppy kisses where he says i swear it’s the last one and then it never is and he steals another one and another one and another one. You giggle into his mouth and he smiles and you never want this to end, because you after all understand Rindou. 

You’ll never be sixteen again.  ***

The first time it happens Rindou is not around. He’s out on his very first serious date. He didn't tell you it was serious, but he asked for Ran’s black turtleneck, polished his motorcycle and before hopping on it checked his wallet to make sure he got enough money. He told you not to wait for him and Ran shrugged saying you guys weren't going to. He was too quick to speak though because you were ecstatic to learn how it all went and what they did. In all your fifteen years you’ve never been on a date once. 

The evening was supposed to be spent quietly. You threw a small dinner from whatever leftovers they had in their fridge. Ran was talking the whole time. He was in those rare moods of his where he would tell you about what the gang were up to. 

Nor he nor Rindou would particularly go into details with you around. Yes, you knew some of their friends. Yes, you sometimes hang out with them. But that’s it. You knew almost nothing about their activities. And all you knew were not coming from their mouths. 

It was when you munched on oyakodon with his strangely sober mother that got home from another date just in time for food, the doorbell rang. You couldn’t see who it was and Ran didn’t let the person come in. He sprinted upstairs, came back dressed in his gang uniform and ignored his mother telling you to wait for him to come back. He promised not to be long. 

And just like that he was gone. 

You looked at his bowl with food. It was half-empty. Your heart sank. As if it would make him return you stared at the door, but it wouldn’t be opened until well into the night. You of course couldn’t know that.

“Do you think I can have it?” His mother, sometimes a stranger in her own house, brought the bowl closer to her, inspecting it. “Oh. That boy. He ate all the chicken. He was always like that. Eating what he liked first. You know, I…” 

Her words fell dead on your ears. You didn’t listen to her, but that small, not remarkable in any way fact, that he ate chicken and left only rice brought you enough comfort to not obsessively think about his whereabouts for the next few hours. 

When Ran shows up, his eyebrow bloody and split, he finds you on the couch with a book in your hands. Before you close the book he sees the cute cat on its cover and reads the name of the author and title of the book. “I am a cat” by Soseki Natsume. He wonders if you brought the book along with you or stole it from his mother’s bedroom. Back in the days she used to read a lot. Just like you. 

“Ran…” You start, standing up from the couch. Your voice is small and you sound like you are sorry, but he has no idea why you should be. “Let’s get you to the bathroom. Are you hurt or…?” 

He interrupts you, wrapping his arms around your shoulders and falling with you to the couch. He takes a deep breath. “I am just tired. That’s all. Let’s sit here a bit.” 

“Okay. If that’s what you want. If that will make you feel better.” 

He hums and closes his eyes, absorbing the calm air of the house and your body warmth. His ears are ringing. He still hears shouting and he so desperately wants it to stop he is ready to do anything. But the voices won’t leave him alone until a certain time passes. He knows that well. He’s been there before. 

“Ran?” You raise your head to look at him and all you see is blood and drained beauty. He is in pain. You can tell that much. You can feel that much. Your hand reaches out to his face and soon your fingertips are red with his blood, but the voices in his head have stopped and he flashes his eyes open, staring at you in confusion. “I am sorry. I know you don’t really like it when someone touches your face. You just looked so uncomfortable I thought I could make it better. I made sandwiches for you and Rindou. He isn’t home yet, though.” 

You are spurting out nonsense and Ran hopes it’s not because you are afraid of him or because you think he might get angry because you touched him. He dreads the reason so he allows you to talk to your heart's content and you don’t stop for a very long time. Not until you notice his soft gaze and small quite smile. 

“What is it?” You ask as if you weren’t throwing a word after word at him that barely made any sense. 

He doesn’t reply. There’s no need and there’s no answer. He leans in and pecks your lips. It’s gentle at first. Barely there. Somehow, he isn’t afraid or nervous. Somehow, you are the same. But everything seems so achingly right, you kiss him back and it’s a mess of teeth and tongue and he knows he’s the first man you’ve ever kissed and therefore he is patient with you. And he is careful. And when his hands dip down to fondle your breasts and then inside your panties to play with you, he is considerate enough to ask you if you really want to do it with him. If you don’t it won’t change a thing between us. 

Ran takes you right there on the couch and then he takes you to the shower where he licks every sore part of your body under falling warm water. 

It’s in his bed between the kisses when he tells you. “When I wake up, you'd better be here. I won’t regret this and I don’t want you to either. Ever. We are still best friends. We always will be. Right?” 

“Right.” 

Right. Right. Right. 

***

The first big fight with Ran or as he would later say a simple misunderstanding happens a week after your seventeenth birthday. 

As usual you spend it with your close family and friends of your parents who they invited over to your house for dinner. It’s not really that big of a celebration and there’s less than ten people in all, yet, as a centre of attention it feels as if you are some sort of relique everyone is praying to. You don’t despise it, but at the end of the table there’s Rindou who coughs every time someone says something that only adults in their mid-thirties say in a proud voice as if they just discovered how to eliminate everything evil on this planet. And then, of course, there’s this certain evil that stares at you the entire day since they got there. 

You try your best to not get caught in him and everything he is. However, it’s too tempting and you look at him as he tilts his head and mouths a small what. You frown and his lips quiver in a smile. With his hair down, he looks exceptionally handsome today. You are almost not mad at yourself for sparing him attention. 

Your unnoticeable to anyone - or so you think - exchange is cut short when your father’s best friend asks you if you have a boyfriend, because, of course, he is sure that you do, since you are so beautiful and extremely smart. And if not a boyfriend, maybe you do have someone you like? The timing is divine, you think. 

“No. Not really.” You say and Ran’s gaze makes you burn. 

The dinner carries on till the end calmly. 

It’s when the three of you join your friend to celebrate you in a proper way that things take an ugly turn. Ran’s first thought is that you are a liar, because no way this boy, your so-said friend from school, doesn't like you. No way you don’t notice it. His heart is fast to assume and his brain is a little bit slower to stop him. 

The whole night he doesn’t speak to you. His downturned eyes narrowed watching your every movement. The way you laugh with the boy and how you touch his arm so gently and how he whispers something into your ear and you nod. So happy and so content.

Ran fucking hates it. He hates the guy and the rest of the night is spent trying to prove it. 

Too caught up in mutual joy you don’t pay attention to his mood swings. It’s Ran. He’s always been like this. He never liked your friends and he never tried to befriend them. [For that there was Rindou.]

Before four in the morning Ran disappears. He takes a call, makes sure you’ve heard that it was from a girl, and never returns. You and Rindou go back home alone. He stays over at your house. Your parents laying out a mattress in your room. It has two pillows and two blankets, but Ran obviously won’t need any today. The sight of it fills Rindou with unbearable sadness. 

For the next five days Ran avoids you as best as he can and when you come to his house to confront him about it and about his rude behaviour at your birthday party, like what do you have against Kage he didn’t do anything wrong, the switch inside him breaks and he goes insane. Not only you are on a first name basis with that boy, you also came here, to Ran’s house, to defend him. Ran’s mouth tastes bitter and the words that he spits at you are bitter too. 

“So fucking desperate for someone to fuck you.” It would be easier if he was screaming. If he would let his rage run wild, but he doesn't. He speaks through gritted teeth and for the first time ever you are genuinely scared of him. You wonder if that’s what he looks like in fighting. Calm, collected and so intimidating. There’s something eerie about this new Ran you are seeing before you. You step back as he comes closer. “You are always like this. Always willing to hand your body to anyone who would have you.” 

On the stairways to the second floor is his mother sitting with a bottle of cheap wine. Today is a bad day because she is drinking it straight from the bottle. The corners of her lips twitch as she watches the drama unfolding before her feet. It’s unclear what she is really thinking and if she’s thinking at all. Her eyes are cloudy and there’s tears in their corners. Rindou who’s in the room too is afraid Ran might snap at her. 

He tries to intervene. “Ran. You better stop it right now.” 

“Really? Defending her? Did she let you hit too?” He turns to his brother, sees his calm, serious expression and doesn’t like it. Doesn’t like it one bit. So he returns back to you, because looking at you upset hurts him better than anything else can. “One Haitani isn’t enough for us anymore? Need two? That’s why you were so loose the other day. I couldn’t even…” 

When Rindou takes off his glasses you panic. They’ve never physically fought before and you don’t want them to breach this small achievement. If they lay a hand on each other it would alter their relationship forever. 

You don’t want that. 

Not over something so stupid. 

Not over you. 

You try to slide in between them - because you know neither of them would willingly hurt you; not even Ran in his present state - but Rindou grips your arm and puts you behind him. He’s grown taller over the last few years and his shoulders are insanely broad. And despite him being shorter than Ran he looks massive and more developed. Still, you have a feeling if they do fight he won’t win. It’s a shameful thought, but it’s there and you can’t brush it aside. So you plead. Once again.

“Rindou please. I don’t care. I’ll leave.” The desperate tone to your voice and the tears that can be heard in it as well don’t work on Rindou as you might have thought it would. He gets angry. He pushes Ran, his large palms coming in contact with Ran’s grey sweatshirt and Ran stumbles, taking a step back. The next punch is landing on Ran’s face and you swear you can hear the skin being torn open. You see the red blood gushing out blotching Ran’s fair skin and you sob. 

Your first instinct is to rush out to him and treat his wound, unafraid of the dirt and spears he smudged across your heart earlier, but you don’t move. You accept Ran’s anger and you accept Rindou’s anger as well, and you bleed open, your cuts invisible, until the muddy clammy blood forms puddles around you and you are in them, suffocating.

“Get the fuck out of here, Ran.” Rindou says, his breath uneven, when Ran doesn’t strike back. “Go get some fresh air. I don’t fucking know. Just go the fuck away.” 

As Ran leaves, their mother laughs. She says you chose the wrong Haitani, not knowing that there was never a choice. 

You spend the night on the couch talking with Rindou. You both cook a simple meal to lose yourself in the simplicity of routine and then steal a cheap alcohol from his mother’s cupboard. You both doubt she would even notice. That night you confess to Rindou about everything and he listens calmly. Half he knew, half was just revealed. He doesn’t comment on your special relationship with his brother. He wouldn’t dare. The only thing he says is that he always knew it would end up like this. You and Ran and the absurdity that you both are. He doesn’t understand it and he probably never will. He just hopes the three of you will make it to that promised penthouse. To a better life. Together. 

“Are you gonna wait for him?” Rindou yawns, stretching his hands as he stands up from the couch. “If you want, you can sleep in my bed today. I can crash here.” 

“It’s okay, Rin. You don’t have to.” 

He nods. There’s no point in arguing with you and he’s too tired to do so anyway. Before he goes to sleep he brings you a blanket and a pillow. As to say he doubts Ran would return today. 

But he does. He does return when the night turns blue. You sit on the couch wrapped in a blanket and stare at the ceiling. Your eyes are glossy and your brain hurts from the crying so much, you can feel it pulsating. You don’t react when he opens the door and you don’t when he quietly closes it behind him. He sees you immediately and he sighs, his lips parted. Ran hoped you would be asleep when he’s back. It’s not that he didn’t want to see you. He just wasn’t ready to have a talk with you when the worms of guilt still eat him alive. 

Of course, he can go upstairs and not say a word to you. Ignore you. He’s not going to lie. He’s still mad at you. Still mad at you being all over that guy [you weren’t really] and still mad that you don’t see it as something he could be upset over. But he is also mad at himself. And the relationship he has with himself is even more painful and messier than the one he has with you. So he takes off his shoes and with a conbini bag in hands walks towards the couch, where he sits next to you. 

There’s a distance between the two of you and neither wants to be the one to rupture it. The guilt that didn’t let him abandon you a few minutes before now won’t let him speak. 

“Ran…” You start and your voice in the empty house, with two people asleep and two awake, sounds too cold. He rolls his head on the couch headrest and looks at you. “I never wanted you to feel upset about my birthday party and I never would do something intentionally with the other guy when you are around. I know that what we have is not exclusive and we both can do whatever we want, but I’ve never been with other people besides you yet. And I don’t want you to feel bad about it, because I know that you have and I…” 

“Come here.” He interrupts you mid-sentence, because what you just said hurt him more than all the punches and wounds he has received in his life and he doesn’t know how to cope with this pain if he doesn't have you everywhere around him. 

You let him take your hands and tug you toward him, and by the way he spreads his legs you understand he wants you in his lap. You throw one leg over his hips and settle down, straddling him. Usually it would work him up in seconds, but today, right now, there’s nothing sexual about it. It’s sadness all around you. 

“I am sorry. Look me in the face, please.” Your hands are now in his and he keeps them locked, intertwined together, near your belly. “I am really sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything of what I said. I don’t think about you that way. You are the most precious pure thing in my life and what I said was not about you. It was about me. Oh, please. Don’t cry. Don’t cry.” 

There’s panic in his eyes as you tremble, crying silently, and he doesn’t know what to do. How to stop you from whatever nasty emotion he planted in you today. He kisses the corners of your lips and nudges your cheek with his nose. He cradles your face and his thumbs smoothes your eyebrows. He holds you so close to him and whispers sweet nothings along with earnest sorries. And he is so tender, so soft, so young at this moment you forgive him everything. You realise you have long before he even did something wrong. 

“I brought you strawberry sando.” He whispers in the crook of your neck. You sniffle, your fingers in the web of his long long hair. “Do you wanna share?” 

“Always.”  Always, if it’s with you. 

***

His first girlfriend doesn’t change anything and neither does your first boyfriend and all the girls and guys you both date after. 

You still kiss every given chance, you still have sex and you still run to each other if something goes slightly wrong. 

Bad argument with parents? Ran’s arms. 

Lost fight? Your bed. 

Failed exam? A long make out session. 

Can’t come to a decision about something? A good head would solve all the problems. 

Your last guy dumped you? He wasn’t worthy of you anyway. He wasn’t the one, I swear. 

It’s an irony in itself. It isn't healthy and Rindou is the one constantly pointing it out. To you. He wouldn’t say anything to Ran about it. For he gets very defensive when spoken about you. A few arguments they had about it didn’t end up too well and Rindou was too smart to try to straighten his older brother. It was an ungrateful work Rindou didn’t want to commit to. 

Besides, they now - a few arrests later and in a new gang - lived on their own. A shiny new large apartment in a posh area of Roppongi. Not the penthouse Ran promised you two, but something close to it. If younger Rindou doubted they would make it, now he was almost sure they would. The trust in them was never that strong. 

You, a university student now, still lived with your parents on their childhood street. You too wanted to move out, but the rent was too expensive and other than freelance jobs here and there, you had no income. So you were doomed to linger around old ghosts for a bit longer. You didn’t mind it that much and if you want to get out from there you could always crash at Ran’s and Rindou’s place. You did that quite frequently. 

“What are you gonna do if he starts seeing someone seriously?” Rindou asks as he watches you cut the cabbage in half. 

It’s an expected question. He asks you this all the time when you speak about Ran and you and whatever you two have. Still, the unpleasant burn in your chest rings a bell and you shrug which Rindou interprets as i don’t care. In reality it’s a weak attempt to shed the thorns this question prompted. 

“I don’t understand how you can do it daily…” “We don’t do it daily.” He squints. “Yeah. Anyway. Don’t you at least feel something for each other?” You set the knife aside and think about it for a bit. There’s nothing to think about, really. You know very well how you feel. You just don’t want Rindou to know it as well. 

“He is one of the closest people I have. It's understandable that I feel something for him.” You leave it at that. Rindou is not satisfied with your answer, but it will do for now. As he picks up the other knife and starts helping you with the cabbage, he tells you about the new DJ setup he wants to buy and you talk about it for the rest of the evening. 

For now everything is well. 

Days later, though, you walk in on Ran making out with his new girlfriend and even if you’ve seen him kissing other girls before this one is like a breath of fresh air, sobering you up. The only difference is that the air is venomous and there’s hands around your neck, choking you. You feel dead. 

“Oh God.” You say, apologetically, covering your eyes. You’ve been saying something the moment you opened the door to their apartment with your own key [because of course you do have one, just in case]. Something about how much you hate your university and how much you want to drop out. Now, the words are stuck in your throat and you wave your hands at them, apologies leaving your mouth. 

Ran understands that something is wrong with you immediately. He hopes it’s not what he thinks it is. He hopes it’s not the end of you. 

He is wrong. Because it is. 

Because while he slaps the girl on her butt urging her to get off him, you are already at the door, putting your shoes back on. He catches you there. He asks you to stay and you do. Your hands tremble as he holds them, his grip is painful, but he needs to clasp on you to feel that you are still there. With him. You let him do it. 

Neither of you notices the girl leave. 

“I don’t want to sit there. I…” Your eyes are everywhere, but not on him and he thinks that even if you look at him, you won’t see him. Not now. Not ever again. You smile sheepishly, suddenly afraid and foreign. “Can we sit at the table instead?” 

Instead, he takes you to the bathroom. Sits you on the toilet and fills the bath. He adds scented salt you bought and lights a candle that you so like to have lit when you are soaking together. For whatever reason, he wishes he was at his old house. There they have shower. Somehow, Ran thinks standing and having you in his arms would be better than sitting opposite of each other or him facing your back, that’s if you let him hug you now. He believes you won’t. 

He believes you are already far far away from him and the mundane routine and stupid false idea that it would be different, that he still could’ve made you stay, would you be in his old childhood house is what keeps him together. 

Ran clutches to it as if it could save him, when he knows so well, no one but you have this power over him. 

In the bath you sit opposite him, your knees pressed to your chest, you don’t touch him as if you are avoiding him, but when he reaches out you slip your hands in his. It kills you that it doesn’t feel like anything, but burnt sugar. Like something sweet that is already buried. 

“Remember that time Rindou said he never wanted to get older?” 

You nod. Curious as to why he had remembered this particular insignificant moment of your life. But maybe, the significance of the moment is exactly in its insignificance. You rarely miss something with that deep ache in your heart that is obvious to miss. You always long for fragments of your life that are small and tiny. The way he drinks his water. The way his lips curl before he laughs or how he always pecks you before kissing you fully. 

Before your eyes is cloudy blue-ish water. Your vision gets blurry. It’s how you understand you’ve been crying for some time now. 

“I do think I understand him now. I don’t want to get older, because it means you will leave me.” 

“Ran…” 

“It means I will spend the rest of my life killing the need I have for you.” 

“Ran, please…” 

“It means I will always regret how this is my confession to you.” You rush to him, your hands around his neck and you are everywhere. Inside this apartment, inside his arms, inside his beating heart. Inside his very being. You are him and you are his and kilometres away you still will be. 

“Don’t go somewhere I won’t find you.” He whispers as your lips fall near his temple above his eye. He takes off his chunky silver ring off his finger and puts it on yours. It’s the first jewellery he ever bought in his life. He was sixteen back then. It has the meaning of his whole self. “Don’t go somewhere where I can’t follow you. Promise me, love.” 

“I promise, Ran. I’ll always be within your reach.” 

The next day you drop out of the university. Without telling anyone anything you move from Tokyo to Kumamoto where you work as a freelance photographer and a waitress for roughly more than a year before moving abroad. 

No one looks for you. 

The world is silent. 

***

Life doesn’t stop when you turn twenty six as you always thought it would. Age doesn’t crush you or diminish the person you once were. To be completely honest, it didn’t do shit. You don’t feel especially different. Life went on the same it always went and the same it always would. There’s a raw prominent beauty in this phenomena, you can’t quite put into words. It makes you feel very small, in an extenuating kind of way. 

You don’t hate it, but you don’t like it either. 

It is as if you are waiting for the wave that might never come. 

Lately, you’ve been dreaming a lot. The dreams are usually the same. It’s the floor to ceiling windows, the smell of cheap cigarettes that are now long discontinued and a presence of two people that never ever left you. The other one has the small street where your childhood house is and this one is full of cicadas chattering. It’s always summer in this one and you are always young and loved there. You are always happy. 

You don’t differentiate these two dreams, because they are about the same things. It would be naive to think they aren’t. 

Today, it’s the first time this week that the sun decided to show up and warm this wet groggy city. It’s been raining for the whole month almost non-stop and  you lock the door to your apartment rather hurriedly, wishing to get out of your box even for an hour, before it rains again. The key hits the ring on your ring finger and the metal sound it produces echo in the hallway. Until it bumps at something. You freeze. 

“I didn’t know what apartment was yours.” He says and you are so desperate to turn around and you are so so so afraid he won’t be there when you do, because his voice sounds exactly as all those years ago and it should be different, shouldn't it be? Shouldn’t everything be different now? But it’s not. You are the same. The burn in your chest and the tie in your belly are the same too. And suddenly you are sixteen again. You drop the keys and you run to him; the only person you would’ve run to. 

You bury your face in his neck noticing how there’s no braids, no hair. He has cut it short. But it’s still him. The smell, the laugh, the way his palms feel on the small of your back. The way you love him and the way he loves you. Only you. It’s never been anybody else. 

“I bought the penthouse and now I came to take you home. Would you come with me? There’s no windowsill, but we can smoke in the kitchen. Rin was right after all. He is so smug about it. You can’t imagine. He’s in the car now waiting for us. Do you wanna go see him?” You do. 

I do, I do, I do, you say, and he relishes in the sound of your voice. Bathing in the substance that is you and in this moment Ran wishes he could go back to his old bedroom in his childhood house with blue nights in Roppongi and promise all of you that everything is gonna be alright, that you will make it out together and that there's so much more to your stories. Even now, six years later, you still have your lives ahead of you.

And your stories are still not finished. Not even close.

There’s still so much more to come. To live. And this time properly together.

oh sanzu self conscious of his scars please...

he never says he is, but youre no fool you notice the way he tends to fold into himself, the way a tiny frown makes its way onto his pretty face when hes removing his facial mask in front of a mirror

you know this, so you always pay extra attention to them

pressing feather light kisses all over his face and especially right on his dual diamond shaped scars and hes burning, blushing so quick at the attention he feels dizzy. he tries to lean away from you or even gently push you away because its too much but its useless because you wont let him feel as damaged as he believes he is

okay slut…okay whore………..okay HARLOT