Shadowthesim - Tumblr Blog

Rusty and Nick were such cuties

Dare I say the perfect duo

alr i'm out

the ticking clock

Midnight alone with my plushies in my bed

it's so dark it's so lonely it's almost dead

But the only thing that's keeping it alive

along side the fading light coming from the window

Is the sound of the stupid clock's ticking that never stopped since years ago

As long as i can remember that ticking had always been there, here and everywhere , as much as i hate this solitude at 2 am , i still long for the nostalgia that comes with them

I miss the place i called home

I miss the people i truly loved

But i think it's probably time to be alone

And in myself i should start to trust

Even though trust is a word that doesn't show up frequently in my dictionary,

i always try to erase it from my memory, everytime i trusted someone it lead to my heart broken, i must be used to it by now since all i have left is tiny pieces glued together like that little porcelain girl from the wizard of Oz, i always saw her as a resemblance to something bigger but i never quiet figured out what it was...

since everything i love and cherish ends up disappearing then i should hold on to the things i have now before i witness them leaving,

feeling lonely is much harder than anything you can think, it's as unexpected as watching a giant ship sink, no one planned for it but it happened somehow, drowning in the void itself, empty like a once filled shelf, with books and frames and everything once treasured ..now apparently sold and forgotten forever.

for some reason this is how this world works, letting go is a skill you have to master, but i will never be able to let go, because then it will mean that i moved on from everything that built me, everything that describes me and makes me the person i am today

I know that goodbyes are the worst to say, and pretending is easier...like we are here to stay.

so i will just keep pretending as i listen quietly to that ticking of that clock that will forever no matter what happens will still work

~જ⁀➴✮⋆˙

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hopefully u liked this 😭🙏 it's my very first time to post smth i wrote so plz I'll really appreciate your opinions 💗 hope you're having a good day ~Chahd

His Two Girls- M.S

summary: dad!matt husband!matt headcannons with his wife and daughter

cw: fluff, slight cursing

an: there will be many time jumps, from where their daughter was a baby to a girl in college | lowercase intended

masterlist

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dad!matt who always takes pictures whenever he's sees his two girls together doing anything and everything.

"careful, sweetie." his wife says as their three year old daughter cracks an egg into a bowl of cake mix. "did it!" the little girl cheers throwing her hands up. matt quickly takes out his phone and captures a picture of y/n smiling down at their daughter.

"ready?" y/n tells the little girl who is standing at the edge of the pool, floaty around her waist. "daddy i'm scared!" she turns back at matt who is sitting on a lounge chair, towel wrapped around him while he holds his phone up with the camera app open. "you can do it, baby. mommy will catch you!" he encourages her. "okay! here i go, mommy!" she jumps and matt captures the moment.

"what's going on here?" matt says, walking into the bathroom where he sees his wife and thirteen year old daughter. "she wanted bangs before she starts school, so i'm about to cut them." she parts her hair. "wait, don't cut them so short!" their daughter shrieks as she sees her mom putting the scissors to high up. "i'm not, just measuring." she murmurs, focusing on her daughters hair. "i'm about to cut it, matt, move. makin' me nervous." matt laughs. "i haven't said anything." he takes his phone out, capturing the moment when she cuts her hair. shock on both of their faces when they realized it's too short. "mom!" "matt, can you make a appointment at the hair salon." she puts the scissors down on the counter.

their daughter was back home from college for her winter break, and time to relax from many exams. matt had returned home from work and heard giggling from the kitchen and soft music playing. peering through the corner, he sees his two favorite girls rolling out dough for cinnamon rolls. something they always loved to bake together. he pulls out his phone and takes multiple pictures before making himself known.

dad!matt who cries on any milestone their daughter achieved/meets

"matt stop! i promised myself i wouldn't cry!" she lightly swats his chest, seeing his tears fall down to his cheeks as they watch their little girl walk in line to enter her classroom for her very first day of pre-k. "i can't help it, look at her." he points, they see their daughter wave at them with a smile, her two pigtails swinging. "oh my god, i can't look anymore." his wife's tears start falling.

"are you crying?" y/n giggles. "stop making fun of me!" matt wipes his tears looking away from his two girls. "look at it, her tooth is so small." she places it on a napkin. "there's a hole in my mouth!" their daughter screams from the bathroom down the hall.

"oh, look. she's next!" y/n pats matt's shoulder as she sees their daughter about to cross the stage. "here come my tears, shit. chris, record on my phone!" he passes his phone to chris who's sitting next to nick. "matt, my mascara." y/n taps her under eyes with a tissue. "look! she's about to walk." they all get up and cheer for her as she walks and waves at them. outside, they take pictures matt can't help but cry. "dad, why are you crying?" his daughter giggles. "look at you, you're growing up and you're about to leave for college. how could i not cry?"

"matt, why are you crying? she just used the toilet? "because she won't be using diapers anymore, she's growing up!"

dad!matt who always goes in daddy daughter dates every friday

"you ready, sweetie?" matt says as he sees his five year old daughter sitting on the couch. "yep! where are we going today?" she jumps off the couch, walking to her dad. "we're going to lunch and then we're going to do anything you want." he grabs her small hand, walking them to the front door. "excuse me, little miss? are you not going to say bye to me?" y/n dramatically gasps as she comes down the stairs.

"i'm not sure if your mom will let us go anywhere alone again." matt says, as he look back at his ten year old daughter in the back seat holding a small puppy. since she gets to choose whatever they do, she decided to to a animals shelter. when they walked in, the worker showed them a litter of puppies that had found in a dumpster. "let's get one." she had said and matt had gotten the paperwork. here they are now. "at lease we got a puppy." she said. at home, they had tried to sneak through the back door but, y/n was unfortunately in her garden nursery. "oh hey, you two. what'd you guys do to-" she drops her small gardening shovel. "matthew? why is she holding a puppy. and why are you holding dog food, bed and toyy?" she sighs. "surprise?"

matt and y/n's daughter had been away at college for about four months now. she had missed waking up to smelling her mom making breakfast, gardening with her, going shopping, baking and cooking. something she had especially missed was her weekly daddy daughter dates with matt. two weeks earlier, she had called her mom and let her know of her plan. y/n was excited, knowing how much matt had missed his weekly days out with their daughter. she had booked their daughter a ticket so she could come home for a week. "hey, matt! can you get the door?" y/n excitedly bit her lip. "who's coming over?" he gets up off the couch and walks towards the door. "not sure." she follows trying not to ruin the surprise. as he opens the door he gasps at who's behind it. "ready for our date?" "oh my gosh, you're here!"

"where you goin'?" y/n asks giggling, as he sees matt and their one year old daughter on his hip come down the stairs in matching outfits. "thought me and this little one should go to the park, and give you some needed alone time from the crazy one." he walks to her, placing a hand on the small of her back to lean down and give her a goodbye kiss. "the crazy one being you?" she mumbles against his lips. "okay." he says and she laughs. "we'll be back later. say bye to mommy." he looks at the baby on his hip and waves at y/n so the little girl can copy. "bye-bye." she does a small wave.

husband!matt who also loves going on weekly dates/ alone time with his wife and makes his brothers babysit

"should we?" y/n second guesses her and matt's first night out ever since their daughter came into the world. "yes, it's much needed, okay? we both need a break once in a while from parenting. it's been five months of straight craziness." he rubs her cheeks as they stand in the middle of their room. "you're right, but we've never been away from her for so long, the most we've left her with chris and nick was probably an hour max."

"and make sure you guys burp her a couple of minutes after feeding her, and no screen time for her, we don't want her to be an ipad kid. and-" matt gets interrupted by chris. "matt we get it, we babysat her last week and the many weeks before that." nick giggles at a funny face the baby did while holding her. "shoo shoo, parents night out, whoo! go do- whatever you guys were going to do." he pushes the couple out the door. "send me pictures, please. i can't go a couple of hours without seeing her face." y/n says before chris closes the door. "got it!" he says. "and don't forget-" matt gets cut off by chris slamming the door in his face. "did he just slam my own door in my own face?"

"any reason why we're not babysitting at your house?" nick says going through the baby bag. "no reason at all." matt smiles, "we thought she could use a change of scenery for once." chris fakes gags. "yeah, right." he says. "oh shut it, chris. sorry you can't get nothing." y/n places her daughter in his hands. at the door, nick follows to show them out. "please don't give us another niece or nephew until this one can do everything on her own, not sure if we can handle two babies at once."

"miss having you all to myself, babe." matt brings y/n's knuckles up to his lips to kiss them, pressing a longer kiss onto her the finger where her sparkly ring sits. this was another week where they dropped off their daughter at chris and nick house instead of having them babysit here. "yeah, me too. but i love our little family." she wraps her arms around him before falling backwards on the bed. "me too, care to expand it?" he kisses along her jaw, down her neck. "i would love to." she says before he slowly undresses her and unbuckles his belt.

husband!matt who reminds y/n to dedicate a whole day to herself to get a break from mom life

"no, matt, she needs me." she sighs. "i know, i know. but, you need a break too, even if it's from your own baby. i know we have our dates but you need a day for you. you're here at home with her all day everyday, i know you get overwhelmed sometimes." he puts her purse in her hand. "so, go out and come back whenever you want. you can get some coffee, eat lunch, get your nails done, i know you miss doing that, hang out with friends. whatever you want, m'kay?" he kisses her forehead. "are you sure?" "yes, baby."

"y/n your sister is here!" matt lets his sister-in-law in the house. "my sister? why is she here?" y/n says confusingly, feeding her eight month old daughter her bottle. "ouch?" her sister says and matt laughs. "it's your day!" matt says "i had one last week, though." "so? here, i'll finish feeding her. go get ready."

"a girls trip?" y/n says into her phone, talking to her best friend. "i don't know, matt works the whole week and i have nobody to watch the baby." matt walks into the kitchen where y/n is cooking. "oh! matt just got home." he goes to y/n and kisses her cheek. "where is she?" he refers to their daughter "she's napping." "so, what do you say, y/n?" her best friend says. "i'm going to have to pass up on that, sorry." "pass up on what?" matt says, grabbing a piece of garlic bread y/n had taken out of the over earlier. "i was just telling y/n about going on a girls trip." there's some ruffling in the background. "she's in." matt grabs yet another piece. "what? i am?" matt nods. "im sure i can pull some strings at work. you deserve a girls trip."

dad!matt who is overprotective over his daughter when it comes to boys

"that little boy is tooo close to her for my liking." matt mumbles to y/n "matt, they're six, and they're just standing in line." she says, laughing. "still."

"why're you so smiley and giggly today?" matt told his daughter as he picked her up from school, deciding that y/n should go to a spa to treat herself. "nothing!" she says in a singsong tone. "you're being suspicious." he opens the car door for her to get in. "timmykissedmycheekatrecess!" she blurts out and covers her mouth right after. "what was that, honey?" he says confusingly as he didn't understand her. "nevermind." "oh, okay?" later that day, y/n and their fifth grader were at the dinner table doing homework while matt finished up some online work. "guess what, mom." "what?" she smiles. "remember timmy?" she nods. "i remember him, yes." she recalls her daughters crush. matt, in the living room can't help but eavesdrop. "he kissed my cheek at recess today." matt gasps in the living room. "is that so? does dad know? he picked you up today." "now i know!" he says from the living room, getting up to meet them at the dining room. "who's timmy?"

"hey, dad." the now sophomore in high school walks into her dads office with a fruit bowl for him. "hey, sweetie. bring my wallet, i know you want something." he says looking up from his laptop, taking the bowl of fruit from her. "no, no, i don't want you to buy me something this time." she laughs and wraps her arms around him. "okay, you're scaring me." he hugs her back. "can i go out with a friend tomorrow after school?" she whispers. "have you asked mom." she nods. "she told me to ask you." "okay then, you can go." she lets go of him. "great, okay, because it's a date." she says quickly before she tries to walk out. "wait, wait, wait. come back here." she groans. "dad, you and mom said yes already." she turns back to face him. "does you mom know it's a date?" she nods. "and she's okay with it?" "yes, she was happy for me." "i want to meet them first, so come over here first and then you two can go." she gasps. "really? you're letting me go?!" he nods. "unfortunately, but, i know it's a part of you growing up, it was bound to happen anyways."

"mom, i would like you to meet, my boyfriend." she motions her arms to her boyfriend she met back at college. "it's nice to finally meet you, ms.sturniolo." the boy shakes her hand. "please, call me y/n. and it's nice to finally meet you too, i've heard many good things about you." she looks at y/n. "is dad home?" her daughter asks. "nope, unfortunately, he had to run into work really quickly to sign some papers. he'll be back soon though." the girl was a bit nervous for her dads reaction to meeting her boyfriend. he could be a bit overprotective sometimes. "i'm home! is my wonderful daughter here yet?" matt walks through the door and hour after she had arrived. "dad!" she runs to her dad who she hasn't seen in a couple of months. "oh, i missed you so much!" he hugs here, kissing her forehead, temple and cheek. "is he here?" he whispers. "yes, please don't do anything to scare him, he's nervous as is." she whispers back. "no promises." "dad!" he laughs. "kidding, kidding" he holds his hands up in surrender.

"who's noah?" matt holds his daughters phone up, as it was blowing up next to him while she was in the kitchen making a snack as matt's chicken got burned so now they're waiting until y/n gets home to eat an unburned meal. "a friend." she says, eating a spoonful of her cereal. "why is he telling you 'see you tomorrow love you so much?'" matt emphasizes on the he. "she is the friend i'm hanging out with tomorrow and me and her always tell each other we love one another." matt's face turns red in embarrassment. "oh- well she sent you some other messages, sorry."

dad&husband!matt who always reminds his wife and daughter how much he loves them.

"where are my two favorite girls?" matt walks into the living room, hiding his hands behind his back holding something. "we're here! we're here!" the seven year old little girl says from the carpeted floor where she was coloring with her mom. "hi, babe." y/n says. "alright, who's favorite color is pink?" he asks, already knowing the answer. "me, me, me!" the little girl gets up. "i believe these are for you." he pulls out a bouquet of pink roses from behind him. the little girl gasps. "they're so pretty!" "and who's favorite color is red?" he asks the little girl. "that's mommy's favorite color! mommy, he got you the same ones but in red!" "thank you, baby." y/n kisses his lips. "i love you two very much, okay?" he hugs both of them.

"you're amazing, i hope you know that." he kisses his wife's forehead as she just gave birth to their daughter a few hours ago. "thank you, matt." she says tiredly. "i love you so much, so so much. never forget that." he says as she slowly starts to fall asleep. "i love you more, matt." two hours later, y/n is still napping, and matt has been contacting and responding to more of their families messages until he hears his newborn start to cry. not wanting y/n to wake up he quickly gets up at attends to her. "hi, little one. don't cry, don't want mommy to wake up. she's been through so much, yeah?" he cradles her in his arms and she quickly stops crying and opens her eyes and stares at him. "look at your eyes, so much like your mommy's, and your little nose. you're beautiful." he rubs her small cheek with his finger. "i love you so much, and i will do everything to show you just how much. i'll do everything to protect you and your mommy, everything to take care of you two." he whispers. "i love my two girls."

Not to get emo on main but you ever think about how the troop sang about their dreams of finding “a girl worth fighting for”, and they think their girl worth fighting for is one of romance, but the song abruptly comes to a halt when they find a different girl worth fighting for.

A tiny girl that had been killed at the hands of the Huns. A child too weak, too small to have any chance of withstanding the murderous invaders. That is their girl worth fighting for.

tiny pillow for George 🐈

me for the past hour 😔

here you go ppl, the missing masterpiece, plz reblog this it's so good i cry every time i read it

Love Never Is

pairing: y/n and Matt sturniolo

summary: Love is never what it seems. It's not like the books or novels. It's not a simple as it seems. But she doesn't believe in love anyways so it's nothing something she has to worry about. That is until she falls into it and it gets ripped away from her. The love is real, painfully real.

warnings: sad af. angst, mentions of depressing stuff.

i put my HEART and SOUL into this please read it all the way through even though its long. AGAIN thank you for the love, love you all

xoxo Autumn as always

“then maybe we should just break up!”

Frozen in time. A sentence you never thought you’d hear fall from him mouth, but as you walked home you couldn’t stop hearing it ring in the back of your mind.

You didn’t allow yourself to cry in front of him, not wanting to show your true emotions on the subject of breaking up. If that’s what he wanted, you do it. Because you loved him.

To selfishly and embarrassingly cry in front of him was just something that you didn’t allow your body to do.

“Is that what you want?”

He stayed silent looking down at the ground, down at his shoes. You turned your head at his silence letting his words truly sink into your veins. Feeling the power of them washing over you like bullets on skin.

It was horrible.

“Yeah maybe”

You nodded looking towards your feet. It wasn’t fair. This wasn’t fair. You were suppose to be in love. Things weren’t suppose to be hard. You were suppose to be happy. Why was this happening?

Looking down at you soaked tennis shoes in the puddles of rain, you questioned everything he’s ever said. Every time he said that he loved you. Every time he kissed you until you both erupted into fits of laughter.

Was it even real?

You guys never fought, but you never thought the first fight would end up like this.

Fighting back the urge to ask him if he even loved you anymore was almost too impossible to bear, so instead you didn’t say anything else and left. The worst part about it all was that he didn’t try to stop you.

He let you leave, because after all that’s what he wanted. Even if it killed you, you were at his mercy. You would do anything he asked you to, even if that meant to walk away.

Matt looked up as he heard you start to walk out after you didn’t respond. His mind screamed at him don’t let her walk out, but his feet didn’t move. He stayed frozen in time.

He didn’t even know how the fight happened. One minute you were laughing the next minute you were screaming at each other like you weren’t the couple everyone wished they were.

But Matt was never into putting on the show for the public. Sure everyone had their own ideas of what you two were, if any of it was even real. But he didn’t care to prove them right or wrong because if he just had you at the end of the day, that was enough.

You were always enough.

You were gentle and kind. You never raised your voice. You were patient with him, even in times when he was acting like a child. So when you walked out, that was the last thing he ever expected you to do.

Without another word.

Without even trying to fight him.

You just left.

The slamming of the door is something that was ringing in his mind. As he stood in the kitchen staring at the door waiting for you to walk back in, but you didn’t. And he didn’t understand why.

I guess this was unmarked territory. He had never said anything like this before, and especially not this harshly to you. He loved you. He never spoke to you this way.

The thing that broke him the most is that you let him.

He didn’t know how long he stood there but it was long enough before the door started to open again. His eyes still trained on the door, he stepped forward. Ready to apologize. Ready to take it all back. To tell you he was sorry. And that he loved you.

But it wasn’t you.

It was Chris and Nick laughing and talking to each other as they walked through the doorway having no idea what just unfolded in the kitchen moments before. Well, what felt like moments. By now, from the sun now being fully set, it has been hours he stood there waiting for you to come back.

There had been words screamed between to people so deeply in love that were never meant to be spoken. There was ashes on the floor that was once their relationship that Chris and Nick were now walking into.

Matt’s eyes stayed on his brother and they looked to him. Their laughs halting when they saw their brothers face. He looked torn to shreds.

“Matt?”

Tears fell from his eyes from the sound of his name being called. He didn’t even feel like Matt. He didn’t feel like himself. He felt destroyed. He was nothing without you, what was he thinking?

They rushed over to him as he fell to the ground in sobs. Asking him over and over what happened, but all he could do was shake his head.

-

You’d never had your heartbroken before. You read about in books, seen it in movies, and even had some close friends go through what you thought was the worst.

You’d memorized love stories as a kid, learning the in and outs of what makes love, love. Studying it harder than any lesson in school. It fascinated you. Seeing how people can be simply change front the feeling of another human being, just simply loving you.

That’s what first drew you into to the science major. Seeing the chemical engineering of it all, of what makes one fall so deeply in love?

Most of it being unexplained, but other parts being feelings of euphoria being released by the brain in chemical forms of dopamine, serotonin, and endorphins. Which can occur simply by looking at the one you love.

All though you’ve studied countless hours trying to figure out what makes someone fall in love, you never really truly believed in it.

You wanted to. Oh, you wanted to so badly. But to never have experienced it, made it hard for you to truly believe in it.

Because as wonderful as love had been taught to you at an early age, you knew the dark side of it. The fights, the cheating, the breaking up. You didn’t understand how someone who you could once love, you could cheat on or break up with.

Which made you circle back to square one in your research when you thought about that factor. You didn’t believe that you wouldn’t cheat on someone if you loved them. Because you felt that sometimes you could cheat on someone and still love them in one way or another.

Knowing you had that person at home, didn’t mean you didn’t find another attractive. Your father had cheated on your mother, but they stayed together. That didn’t mean he didn’t love her.

He tried the rest of his life to win her back at the peek of your childhood, which he ultimately failed. But he never was once seen with another women, because he loved her so deeply.

You believed humans were flawed whether they showed it or not. You didn’t think this theory justified cheating, or made it right in any manner whatsoever. Seeing how destroyed you mother was after once being so deeply in love with your father.

You just thought this meant love was more complicated that it is portrayed in story books or fairytales. You could go your entire life loving someone and never be able to have them.

You called it the ugly side of love.

The side no one talked about. The torn pages of love stories that no one wants to read.

And you didn’t blame them.

No one wants to read how the prince looked at the mistress while his wife was handing right there. They want to read about how they danced at the hall and how he found her missing slipper.

Studies after studies, you never found the answer to your questions. You knew everything about love, everything you could read, but you didn’t know the full story.

You had feelings of euphoria in your life, but euphoria didn’t mean love. You dance with a boy at your middle school dance, you liked his smile, but you weren’t in love.

You first kiss under the bleachers freshman year with the star quarterback, he had nice lips, but you weren’t in love.

You were missing the key factor, which was actually experiencing it. Your mother suggested that if your nose wasn’t in your study books you’d actually have time to look up and fall in love.

So that’s what you did. You put the books down and looked up. Just in time to catch wondering blue eyes.

What you didn’t know then that you are starting to realize now is that you had spent your whole life looking and dreaming of love and what it really is, that you had opened your entire heart up the first time you fell into it.

A lot of people argue that you can fall in love with multiple people throughout you lifetime, even falling out of love with some from the past. And maybe that’s true but that’s not what you believed.

You think that you could love many people, because you did. But falling in love, to your definition, only happened once. The deep sickening feeling of falling at 100 miles per hour, not even caring if you hit the ground. That, only happened once.

You also thought ‘love at first sight’ was bullshit. You cannot love someone without knowing them, truly knowing them. A glance in someone’s direction isn’t going to make you fall out of your chair and fall into love.

If anything, with your entire life revolving around your studies of love. It only made you more skeptical of it all in the first place. You wanted so badly to fall in love, that you thought you had mentally blocked yourself from allowing it to happen to you unknowingly.

You didn’t fall in love with him at first.

You thought he was too sarcastic. His eyes were too blue, and his flirting abilities were laughable.

It was his persistence that made you fall in love with him. The way he looked at you. The way he cared about whatever you had to say. The little things he remembered about you.

No one talked about how falling in love way scary. Maybe because no one thought like you did. No one did the research that you did. Everyone else was going along falling in love for the night, if that meant they could feel something.

But you we’re different. And he saw that in you. Which only made him fall in love with you faster.

You were terrified. You remembered the exact moment you fell in love with him. And no it wasn’t because he found you ‘perfect fitting slipper’ or flew across the country to kiss you ‘one last time’. Or anything like you read in the novels.

You in his living room. You’d been dating a few months at this point. He was half asleep, laying above next you, you feet sprawled out on his lap. The movie was almost over and he agreed to let want pride and prejudice for the 50th time.

It was your favorite movie, and he knew that. So almost every night he sucked it up and sat there and would watch it with you over and over.

As he dowsed off the sleep, you thought about that. As you whispered almost every line in the movie to yourself. You knew every line by this point. You looked over at him as the main characters confessed their love to one another.

You always thought that part was too cheesy. You always thought Darcy was an idiot and didn’t treat Elizebeth Bennett right, but they loved each other in their own way.

So you looked over at Matt, while they spoke on the screen in front of you. Trying to escape the unrealistic love story to look at your own.

His eyes were closed and his chest as rising and lowering softly with his breathes. You’d think he was asleep but his hands were on your feet, rubbing them softly as he tried not to fall asleep.

You looked over as one hand was placed, soothing your foot and the other was on you knee rubbing small circles.

You heart clenched when you realized.

You had fallen in love with him.

A stupid small act that came tumbling over every realization that your brain had hidden from view, all falling in front of your eyes. You loved him.

The bone chilling, falling at 100 miles per hour. terrifying love. It was him.

The scariness of it all didn’t fade until a month later. You didn’t want to ruin this for yourself by scaring away, because losing him meant a whole lot more now to you than it did a month ago.

He just had no idea.

To bring you that you had fallen in love, to you was almost scarier than realizing you had fallen into it in the first place.

So you waited. Until he said it first. Because the thought of saying it to early and scaring him away wouldn’t be worth the downfall.

Matt never thought too much about love, not nearly as half as much as she did. But that didn’t mean he cared about it any less.

He thought that two people liked it each other enough to get married and comfortable and it was easy. He learned quickly it was not easy.

Not everyone was as tender hearted as him. There were mean girls out there who only wanted him for one thing. He learned that lesson quickly.

So he went from open heart to a closed down bunker in a matter of a couple years with a few bad experiences. He’d even got worse than his brother Chris.

Granted, Chris had never had a relationship before. He thought they were stupid. Matt being the more kind hearted one of the group he was open to dating and talking to girl, even though his anxiety ate him alive over it.

Burned one harsh time, and it was over for him.

He never understood the concept of cheating. He thought “just break up with them if you want to be with someone else”. He thought everyone thought that way, that everyone thought just like him.

He learned quickly he was wrong in high school when he came into the locker room early for practice and saw one of his teammates making out with his girlfriend.

He didn’t understand the physical pain of it. He thought, yeah cheating sucks. But the heart dropping, can’t sleep, sickening feeling. He learned the hard way.

He didn’t love the girl, but he really liked her. And she spit in his face.

Years later he was still turned off completely to the thought of falling in love. Didn’t occur to him, it was the absolute last thing on his mind. He was more concerned with growing his business, making memories with his brothers, and the overall happiness of his well-being. He didn’t need a girl or any kind of love to make that happen for him.

Love wasn’t a quintessential need in life, it was luxury. A luxury he wasn’t going to roll the dice for. He was fine just how he was. He didn’t need anything else.

That was until her.

He didn’t know why he felt the need to talk to her that day. He never went out of his way to socialize with people especially with a schedule as packed as his. He quite literally had 10 minutes to go in grab a coffee and speed to his next meeting.

But she kept looking at him. And it wasn’t in a way that made him think she knew who he was. She looked almost curious. She was reading “the language of birds”.

He sat to himself in the line thinking, “who the hell read about birds?”. He paused as he gripped his coffee and had one hand pressed on the glass door, reading to push it open and continue on with his day to forget about the bird girl in the coffee shop.

But something stopped him. He felt almost a draw to her. He felt stupid even thinking it. A draw to her? Like some force of gravity pulling me towards her? This isn’t a movie, this is real life.

He thought he was stupid, just having an off day. But he turned around walking up to her. She looked up at him through her book, setting it down peering up at him.

She had beautiful long lashes and glossed lips and eyes that sank into his so much it made him lose confidence.

“Birds?” He asked, the only thing that was able to come out of his mouth. Her eyebrows furrowed as she chewed on her gloss lips. What the hell is he talking about? She thought. He looked down to the book in her hands.

the language of birds

She blinked down at her book, feeling her face light up. “Right—“ she said shaking her head and closing her book. He smiled at her embarrassment. Not that he was happy she was embarrassed, but it allowed him to be less nervous at her reaction to him.

She shook her head. “It’s not about birds” she said not looking up at him. His eyebrows furrowed. She glanced up at him. She sighed and closed her eyes.

“I mean it is but—“ she shook her head as he chuckled slightly at her. She smiled and blinked up at him, licking her lips slightly. Making his eyes trail down to her lips and then back up to her eyes.

“It more about their journey in life when they are away from their king, and how they manage their emotions in finding themselves when they are not with the person who told them what to do and think. They travel around looking for him once they realized they are lost, but then realize they find something more powerful on their own—“ she said scanning the book like she’s never seen it before.

I just smiled down at her as she rambled on. She glanced up at me finally. “Sorry” she apologized shaking her head. I shook my head pursuing my lips as I sat down across from her. She just watched me as he face slightly softened.

“What did they find?” He asked looking at her with a smile smile. She just blinked at me for a second. “What?” She said barley above a whisper. He pointed towards the book in her hand.

“The birds. What did they find?” He asked again, making her breath out. “Oh—right. They found that they are powerful in themselves. That they don’t need someone to tell them what to think and they realized they could do it on their own, they just had to be apart to figure it out” she finished setting the book down in front of her.

He couldn’t stop smiling at her. He had never heard someone talk the way she did. So elegantly, but so unsure. Like she knew what she was talking about, but she was embarrassed to admit knowing anything at all.

“How do you know you’re only half way through” He pointed out her book-marker only half way in between the pages of the lengthy book. She glanced down and shrugged.

“It’s one of my favorites, it’s like my fifth time reading it” she admitted. He nodded slowly. She just looked at him. Like he was a foregin creature getting ready to pounce.

“Sorry if you wanted to read it. I just spoiled the whole thing” she mumbled looking down.

It was almost refreshing for him, since he always felt to be on the other side of the attack. Always being nervous, anxious, scared. He didn’t mean or like to make her feel that way, but it was nice to talk to her and not feel that way and let someone else fill that role.

“What’s your name?” He asked looking at her. “Y/n” she spoke slowly like she was unsure of her own name. He laughed slightly. “Are you sure?” He asked. Her eyes widened. “What?” She asked back confused. Had he thought she’d had given him the wrong name?

“You didn’t seem so sure about it” he said looking down at the coffee in his hand. She smiled closing her eyes, before nodding. “Yes, I’m sure. My name is y/n” She breathed letting out of a bit of her anxiety.

He smiled and nodded. “I’m Matt” He breathed. She nodded. “Is it short for Matthew?” She asked smally. He smiled and nodded softly. She nodded back.

“Do you read?” She asked. He shook his head. She looked down at her book. “Well if you ever want to get into it, this books a great one” she smiled at him. He smiled at her, that’s all he’d seem to be doing.

He wanted to know things about her. He wanted to know why she was sitting alone. Why she was reading books that looked dated back to the 1800s. What was with this girl?

He felt a buzz in his pocket. Snapping him out of his thoughts. It was Chris. Fuck. He was already suppose to be at the meeting. He turned off his phone and stood up. Her eyes followed him.

“I have to go” he stated. She just looked at him. He looked towards the side. “Do you think the book only has one meaning?” He asked suddenly. She just blinked at him. He didn’t even know what he was saying at this point. He just knew he was to keep taking to her.

“You’ve read it five times, have you found the same meaning in it every time?” He asked looking down at the book. She glanced down at the book picking it up.

“Um” she sighed looking at it and then shrugging. “I guess I find something new every time I read it” she smiled at him. He nodded.

“I hope you find something new this time, y/n” He sighed and then turned on his feet. Leaving the girl with her thoughts. She sighed looking down at her lap after she left feeling like s failure.

All these books about love and she could barley talk to a cute boy. She looked up as he pushed the door and walked out of the coffee shop.

He smiled to himself as he left. Even if he never saw her again, it was nice to talk to someone who didn’t know who he was or wasn’t his brothers.

Now he was in a pickle being almost 20 minutes last for the meeting now..

“Wait”

He paused before turning and seeing the girl running up to him. He smiled seeing her again, not picturing her the type to come running after him. She stopped slightly out of breath in front of him from scrambling her things together quickly without thinking.

“I—“ she breathed looking down at the book in her hand. He looked down at it. “You should read it” She said holding the book out for him to take. He looked down at the book.

“Tell me if you find something I missed” she smiled up as he took the book out her hands and scanned it with his fingers. She stood in front of him not knowing really what to say next.

He nodded, biting back a smile. “I don’t wanna take your book” He said feeling guilty attempting to hand it back. She shook her head stepping back.

“I have like a million copies, just take it” she smiled shaking her head. He smiled and nodded stepping back. He looked down at the book shaking his head.

“How do I tell you what I find?” He asked looking down at her. She smiled stepping forward and opening the book to the front page.

if lost return to y/n

1800-562-99216

He smiled. Who writes their number in books? He thought to himself. He looked up but she was already walking away.

He didn’t know then what the interaction had him in for. He stayed home the rest of the week, just trying to read the book. As he started it he just wanted to get through it. Thinking it was going to be a boring out of date read. The only reason he was reading it so fast was because he just wanted to call her.

He wanted to find something she had not found, but by their simple conversation he didn’t think he’d be able to. She was smart. Really smart. He wasn’t as smart as her.

As he read on he got deeper into the book, unable to put it down. Even putting off other things that he used to deem more important. Getting unapproved comments from Chris. Like “Why the fuck are you reading about birds?” and things like that.

He got through the book in three days before typing the number into his phone slightly hovering over the call button, slightly nervous. Knowing what he wanted to say, but didn’t know if it was stupid.

It rang twice before she answered.

Expressing ideas of a book, something Matt never pictured himself doing. Or even enjoying but here he was. Laughing and talking with someone over a book about birds, or not so much about birds.

“Then why did he go back to the king after they realized everything?” He asked leaning back against his headboard. She sighed over the phone.

“I don’t know, it the one part of the book I never really understood. Some people just like the comfort of being told what to do instead of doing things their own way. I guess it’s just a symbolization of how people know right from wrong but still chose the wrong side most of the time” she said softly. He smiled.

“I never thought about it that way” he whispered. She hummed. “I was just mad at the bird for going back even after all he’s learned” He shook his head.

“Matt, it’s a bird” She chuckled over the phone, making him laugh. “No, but I get what you’re saying. It’s really eye opening, seeing how people fall into the same patterns. People like to be comfortable, anything that threatens that they run away from even if it’s the better ending” she sighed.

Matt pressed his lips together as he looked down at the book. “What that thing for you?” He asked looking down. She stayed silent on the other end of the phone for a second. Her mind raced. The first and obvious choice came to mind, but she had just met this boy once.

Mention love and he’d be running for the hills.

“Y/n?”

She blinked out of her thoughts. “Um, I don’t know” she sighed. He hummed. “You’re a smart girl, you must have some thoughts on how this correlates to your life” he said through the phone. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

“I guess so” she said shaking her head as she paced her room. Was this a good idea? Comfortable. This is what you were talking about, pushing out of your comfort zone.

“I guess, this conversation?” She said almost questioning. His eyebrows furrowed. “What?” He asked. She closed her eyes.

“In the most non loser way possible—“ she bit her lip. “I study science as my major and I always think about how people fall in love and what it takes the chemical engineering behind it all” She explained. He crossed his arm, his phone pressed to his ear just listening.

“And I guess it makes me uncomfortable. It just like scares me? I don’t know.” She sighed. “I guess I’m scared to fall in love” She admitted, goosebumps filling her arms as he stayed silent on the other end of the line.

“Are you telling me your falling in love with me, y/n?” He chuckled, making her smile and shake her head. “No I—“ she smiled. “I’m kidding, I understand that. It’s hard to understand it, but I don’t think the answers are in science books. They are experiences” He said blankly.

She nodded before sighing into the phone.

“You sound like my mother” She joked as she sat on her bed. He chuckled into the phone. He looked down at his phone seeing the time. “Have we really been talking about birds for an hour?” He asked making her chuckle.

“I guess we have” She said softly. He noticed she used ‘I guess’ a lot. She’s very smart for a girl who’s constantly unsure. He turned over on his bed and sighed.

“What are you doing Friday?” He asked making her heart stop for a brief second. She shook her head. “I—I don’t know” she said softly. He smiled.

“Do you want to do something with me?” He asked. She wanted to. But she was scared, which made her not want to. She swallowed.

“Like what?” She asked cracking her fingers. “I don’t know. Do you have book on elephants? They are my favorite” he joked over the phone making her roll her eyes.

“I don’t” she smiled. He groaned. “I guess dinner will have to do then” He smiled, she looked down at her feet smiling stupidly at herself.

“I guess so” She said softly.

“I’ll text you”

-

The story emerged from there. About three months into being officially together, he fell in love with her. In the stupidest way possible.

He didn’t see himself falling in love, never imagined himself falling completely in love with another human being such as he had.

It wasn’t a scary feeling. It was more of a joyful feeling that he didn’t expect. He didn’t read much about love like her, but he didn’t know how much he needed it until he had it.

She had picked out Pride and Prejudice again for what felt like the millionth time to him. But he shut his mouth as she pressed play, because he knew if he agreed to watch it she would lay on him, clinging on to him. He would be able to look down at her for almost two hours without her noticing, her breathing slightly against him.

He moved her hand through her hair, as the movie played. Somewhere throughout the movie, she shifted putting her legs against his lap. He looked over at her as she mumbled the lines of the actors on the film in front of them to herself.

He smiled.

And that was it.

That’s when he realized he loved her. But he was scared to say it. He had on his mind on repeat.

“I guess I’m scared to fall in love”

He closed his eyes looking back to the screen, feeling a turn in his chest. He didn’t want to scare her away from telling her that he had fallen in love with her, especially if she didn’t feel the same way. So he would just wait for her to say it, to play it safe. Just so he knows for sure he wont lose her.

They fell in love in the same moment and didn’t even know it.

-

Months past with the unspoken words “I love you”. Almost slipping out of either’s mouth close to a hundred times, before catching themselves and covering it up.

Hey mind raced with insecurities. Had she gotten it wrong? Had he not fallen in love with her also? Was she just falling deeper and deeper into love with him and he just didn’t feel the same way?

He acted as he loved her, but the words never fell off his lips. It made her stomach turn. She had never even thought of the possibility, what do you do when you fall in love with someone and they don’t love you back?

Searching for answers in books tears streaming down her face as she ripped out the pages. She hasn’t studied this. She hadn’t even thought of the possibility. What had she done wrong? Was it something she wasn’t doing? Was it her? Why hasn’t he said it?

She was flipping through a new addition of the chemical engineering psychology book that her professor had just given to her. She had a conversation with her professor, saying enough without saying too much, and he had given her this book.

Matt walked into the room before walking up to her and kissing the side of her head. “Hi baby, what are you reading?” He asked wrapping his arms around her from behind and laying his head against her shoulder.

She leaned back against his touch, she always did. But lately the only thing she’s been thinking about is how their eight month anniversary is next week and he still hasn’t told her that he loved her.

Endless nights of staring sleepless at the ceiling wondering if she was even good enough to be loved. Barley now focusing on the feeling of falling, because of the anxiety of the the fear of him not.

“Reading” she said softly flipping through the pages. He looked down at the pages, not understanding half the words laid out in front of her. “You’re so smart” he whispered kissing her cheek, making her smile.

She liked when he called her smart. She prided herself on her intelligence. It was what she loved most about herself and the fact that’s what Matt loved most about her, only made her fall harder.

A lot of girls were insecure physically about themselves, but no y/n was always insecure mentally. Panicking if she wasn’t the smartest person in the room.

A lot of guys were threatened about her intelligence, most men don’t like being dumbed down by a female’s intelligence, but Matt loved it. Priding her. Telling her “I love how you’re so much smarter than me”’.

“But” Matt said flipping the book closed in front of them. She sighed looking up at him as he grabbed her arm and stood her up leaning down to her.

“Take a break, you’re killing your brain” he said kissing her nose softly. She smiled. “I can’t—“ she said looking back at the closed book. “You can” He said holding her hands. She smiled and looked down.

“Come on, I’ll run you a bath” he said pushing the hair out of her face. Her heart clenched. Why do you act like you love me but you don’t say it. She didn’t reply. He sighed. “I’ll wash your hairrrr” he sang, making her smile slightly. He pulled her arm as he walked away, but she stood her ground making the pull back cause him to turn around to look at her.

His smiled dropped when seeing her face. She looked down at her feet distress on her face. He walked back up to her. “Hey” he said softly. She didn’t looked up at him.

“Y/n, what’s wrong?” He asked quietly placing a hand on her cheek. She glanced up at him and then back down sighing.

“Matt why are you with me?” She asked looking at him. His eyebrows furrowed. “What?” He asked not understanding where she was coming from. Y/n was a lot of things, but she wasn’t insecure. At least not in front of him.

She’d never questioned their relationship to him and it he was being honest his heart was beating out of his chest at the possibility of her breaking up with him.

“Why are you with me? Why are we together?” She asked softly. Doubt filling her head. She was terrified at this conversation because this might be the end. If he didn’t love her, she would have to walk away. And that scared her more than being in a one sided relationship.

He stared at her attempting to read her mind. What did she want him to say. He dropped her hand and ran his hand through his hair.

“Because you make me happy” He said looking down at her. Her frown didn’t move.

Because I love you, he wanted to say.

“And you’re beautiful and smart”

Because I love you

“And I love—“ her eyes looked up. “Spending time with you” he said running his hand down her arm. She bit her lip and looked to the side.

“And what else? What else do you love?” She asked desperately for answers. If he didn’t love her, what was he getting out of it? He shook his head looking down at his girlfriend.

“I don’t—“ he stuttered not understanding. She huffed shaking her head. “Like do you love—“ She shook her head looking down.

“Do you love me?” She asked looking up at him with teary eyes. He froze looking at her. “Because I love the hell out of you and I have for a long time, and I’ve been waiting for you to say it and—and—“ she shook her head, spilling everything out.

He smiled down at her, pulling her slightly towards him and pressing their lips together. He smiled against her, before pulling back and pressing his forehead against hers.

“I’m so fucking in love with you y/n” Matt smiled, making her fear drop from her chest. She smiled. “Really?” She asked blinking at him. He nodded. “I didn’t want to scare you off, I know how scared you of it and I wanted to wait on you” he said honestly.

She smiled and shook her head.

“You don’t make it scary” she breathed, making him smile. He stepped back sighing. “God, I’m so sorry, y/n” he shook his head. “Now I feel like a complete asshole” He said looking down at her.

He wasn’t saying it get out of her being mad at him or in a manipulative way. He genuinely felt guilty for not knowing that she was waiting on him. He probably scared her to death.

She shook her head stepped forward and wrapping her hands around his shoulders. “No baby, no. I’m sorry.” She apologized making him smile that she was apologizing. He shook his head.

“I love you, I love you, I love you. Oh my god. This feels so good to say it out loud.” He said leaning down and kissing all over her face making her giggle and push him away.

“I love you too” She laughed. He ran forward before picking her up and throwing her over his shoulder. She laughed above him.

“Put me down!” She laughed kicking her feet. He shook his head. He was going to show her just how much he loved her.

-

A memory so far away that now seems like it never even happened. The only one circulating your brain was the one that happened just hours ago. The rest turning into darkness like it never happened.

“Matt” you yelled at you opened the door. He didn’t turn around as he walked through the kitchen. “Matthew” you stated making him pause and turn around. His face was angry. An expression he never wore when looking at her. Maybe at his brothers, but never her.

“That was ridiculous” I breathed looking at it. It was. He acted like a child. He rolled his eyes and shook his head. “So you can get mad at Sage, but I can’t get mad at a guy eye-fucking you?” He asked walking back up to me.

She cringed at the eye-fucking. He never really spoke like that and you didn’t like it when he didn’t.

“I didn’t get mad at Sage” she stated calmly. He scoffed shaking his head. “So what? You just pulled me away and told me off for like 20 minutes for shits and giggle?” He asked throwing his hands up.

She shook her head.

“I did not tell you off. I told you I didn’t like the fact that’s she was tracing the tattoos on your arm with her cheap press on nails” She said through gritted teeth trying not to get angry. He shook his head.

“Sage and I have been friends for a long time. Way before we started dating” he said motioning between them. She rolled her eyes. Why was he acting like this?

“Oh yeah? Why have I never heard her name before tonight?” She said walking up to him. He shook his head looking away before turning and starting to walk away.

He didn’t want to act this way in front of her, but he was angry. She deserves better so he was gonna walk away.

“Don’t walk away from me” she spat making him pause in his tracks. He closed his eyes as he turned back around. “Y/n. I’m gonna say something I regret. Just go home” he shook his head at her, but she shook her head back feeling tears brim at her eyes.

“No. Talk to me. We don’t do this, we don’t fight” She shook her head mentally pleading with him. He knew she was right, but he was clouded with anger, stepping towards her.

“Leave” he breathed.

“No” she shook her head.

“You were out of line admit it” She said making him roll his eyes. “No, I wasn’t. You’re my girlfriend and another guy was all over you” He argued down at her. She shook her head.

“We were speaking!” She said throwing her hands up. “You didn’t have to grab me like I was your property Matt. And I think he got the message before you went all ‘Yeah our one year is next wekk. We’re soooo in love’—“ She shook her head.

He clenched his jaw and turned his head. “Yeah and you grabbing my arm and all of the sudden telling me very loudly how much you ‘loved the bracelet I got you’ while shoving it in her face was any better?” He asked making her look down and shake her head.

“You’re not my property y/n. But your my girlfriend. I’m not gonna cheat on you like—” he said shaking his head. She looked up at him glaring.

“What? Like my dad and my mom?” She asked shaking her head. He looked down shaking his head. “I never said that” He shook his head stepping towards her. She shook her head stepping back.

“No but you implied it, you asshole” She said shaking her head feeling tears come to my eyes. He glared at her.

“I’m an asshole? Really? You wouldn’t even look at me on the way home” He asked shaking his head. “Because I’m fucking mad at you!” She screamed making the world go still. She never raised her voice. She never cursed at him. He scoffed.

“So we’re doing this now huh?” He asked.

“I’m not doing this” She said stepping back tired of arguing. “Oh no, you can say that to me, but I’m not allowed to say anything back?” He asked throwing his hands up.

She sighed trying to contain her composure before she says something she really regrets.

“You were right, we need to walk away. Our one year is next week and we’re both angry and-“

“No you started this and you don’t want the repercussions. You always do this” He said looking down at her. Her mouth fell open.

“I always do this?” She asked shaking her head.

“Yes, you always do this” He nodded. She’d never been this angry at someone she loved so much.

“Admit that guy was flirting with you” he said loudly. She shook her head. They were talking. She hadn’t even noticed if he was flirting with her because she doesn’t look at anyone else like that other than him. Because why would she need to if she had him?

“Admit it, that girl wanted you” She whispered back. He glared at her. He’s not thought about a girl like that since he saw her in the coffee shop with that bird book. He thought that girl was genuinely interested in his tattoos.

He shook his head.

“No” he said back. She nodded looking down.

“Then call me when you get you head out of you ass” She shook her head and stepped back. He shook his head.

“Call me when you get your head out of those damn books” He spat making her pause and her eyes water.

“I hate you” She whispered. His heart dropped but he didn’t show it on his face. She didn’t mean it, he knew she didn’t. But it still hurt as if she did mean it.

“That’s all you ever care about right? Being the smartest person in the room? You always have to be right don’t you?” He said his eyes watering. She shook her head.

“You know that’s not true” She breathed. He shook his head. He did but he wasn’t admitting it.

“I don’t maybe it is!” He yelled.

“Maybe you’re just an insecure asshole!”

“Maybe we should just break up!”

-

After the end of all this, she realized that she was never scared of falling in love. How could one be? Falling in love is amazing. She knows first hand. Yeah it’s scary at first, but to love truly by another human being is worth it being scary.

No, she wasn’t afraid of falling in love. She was afraid of falling in love and then losing it. She was terrified to get hurt. To lose him. Because nothing else matter if she had him.

If she had him, everything was okay. When she lost him, what was the point?

Reading any love story. Watching any movies. What was the point?

Because she had fallen in love, and she lost it. She lost him. The blood curdling, heart clenching, falling at 100 miles per hour terrifying love. and now it was gone. Ripped away from her like it never belonged to her.

It wasn’t fair.

But I guess love never is.

Days went by by and she didn’t eat, she didn’t sleep, she couldn’t breathe without him. She thought the books that wrote about this type of pain were exaggerating. They weren’t. Simple enough they weren’t.

The science books running through her brain. It was just a chemical feeling. The emotions, you can control them. But you couldn’t. You can’t.

Science can’t take away this type of pain. This isn’t the type of that you can explain or type out into words. It’s the most excruciating type of pain one who’s been in love can feel. And the only person who can make I better is the one that hurt you.

The day of silence after was the worst part. All day she waited by her phone all day, her door all day. Silence. Dead silence.

The amount of times she reached for the phone or grabbed her keys to go to his house, but stopped herself. She couldn’t. He wanted it. And she loved him. She would embarrassingly do anything he asked of her. And he didn’t want her. So that’s what he got. Because she loved him, and it was killing her.

-

“Give her time, she will come to you” Chris pushed Matt back as he charged at him. “No she won’t you—you don’t know her-“ he cried looking at his brother. Nick and Chris looked at each other they’ve never seen their brother like this before. They didn’t know what to do.

“Our one year is tomorrow and—and—“ He choked. “No it’s not yall broke up” Chris shook his head. Matt’s heart clenched. No we didn’t. His mind raised. It’s not over me for. It will never be over for me.

“What are you gonna say huh? You have to think of something better than I’m sorry. You can’t just say I’m sorry” Nick shook his head at Matt. Matt gripped his hair shaking his head. He didn’t know what to do. He just wanted to go back. If he could just go back, he could fix everything. Take it all back. Not say those harsh words.

He hated himself for hurting her. It was eating him alive.

Then it clicked. It all clicked.

-

She hadn’t been going to classes and she definitely wasn’t going today. It was their one year. Well suppose to be there one year. If everything didn’t happen. If she didn’t start something that he finished. If she just didn’t say those things to him, just didn’t say anything. She would still be happy. He would still be in love.

She turned over on her bed falling into the groups of book by her bed that she had laid out. But no, science couldn’t fix this. She wasn’t even sure she could fix this. All she knew was that she just wanted to rip her heart out of her chest, that would hurt less than this.

She swallowed and sat up. She felt dizzy. When was the last time I drank some water? She thought. She reached over to her desk and grabbed a water fumbling with the cap and spilling it all over her. She sighed standing up and pulling her shirt over her head.

She didn’t even look herself in the mirror. She couldn’t. She pulled out one of Matt’s shirt before she decided she’s tortured herself enough and just throwing on an old tshirt of her own.

There was a knock at the door. She turned her head. No. It’s not him. She thought. It’s probably just your mother, asking you why you’re not showing up to classes. Something you’ve prided yourself in, your schoolwork and it was all slipping behind.

It wasn’t fair. Going through this. And he hasn’t even called. She teared but before she heard the knock again. She turned before walking out of her room and down the steps. She sighed before opening the door.

Matt stood there staring down at her. Tears in his eyes. She looked up at him. Her heart clenched. She didn’t know what to do. She stood frozen. She shook her head slightly.

“Y/n. Listen to me just listen—“ he said placing his hand on the door. She blinked at him. “Or don’t listen, just read” He said handing her the book she gave him so long ago.

The language of birds

She looked up at him. “If lost return to y/n right?” He breathed. She sighed looking down at the book opening it and a note slipped out of it and towards her foot. She furrowed her eyebrows and picked it up opening the note.

Y/n,

I know you’re a big reader and oh is that one of the many things I love about the person I love. I’m not good a words, as you have seen many times. So instead of saying it i wrote it. You taught me about these birds who are torn away from the king, on their own in unmarked territories and they are terrified. I know what you’re thinking, that’s us right now, apart from one another. But no. That’s not the ending I want or the ending you deserve.

You are the bird, you have always been the bird. You learned how to fly before anyone else and you’re the one who stands up. You fly away into unmarked territory that terrifies you, love. You fell in love first and I fell harder. You were terrified but fell into me even though you were scared. You trust me. You have my your heart and that’s the bravest and scariest thing you could have done, I know that. You’re flying back to the king because you want what’s comfortable, writing off love as your fear forever. But I’m begging you please stay, don’t fly back to the king. I need you hear with me. I always have and I always will.

I’m changing the ending to this stupid bird story and I’m not letting you fly away.

Y/n, you are my everything and I’m an idiot. I’ll always be an idiot, but I will never for as long as I love you the rest of my life will I ever make you feel like I don’t love you again. I love you so much. You are my bird.

please.

Tears flooded her eyes before she was even done with the note. She folded it and put it back into the book holding it close to her chest. He waited for her to finish. His heart beating out of his chest.

All that was running through his head was please please please.

She looked up at him. He watched her.

“I’ve always hated that ending to that book” She smiled as tears fell from her eyes. He sighed smiling.

“My baby” he sighed as he wrapped her arms around her as she hugged him, slightly crying against him.

“My bird” He whispered against the girl he loved so so much.

So maybe love wasn’t a simple as the books or movies. But in the end she knew, it was worth fighting for, even if it wasn’t pretty. But then again

Love never is

holyy okay this took all day to write but its my favorite thing ive ever wrote hope you love it❤️

tag list: @rac00ns-are-c00l4 @miastromboli @secret-sturniolo @sturnsclutter @sturniolodreamz @paper-crab @chrisolivia4l @mwah0mwah @recklesssturniolo @ejswift @kitaysworld @meg-sturniolo @nickmillersn1gf @fr3shl0ve @adrianaturnedpretty @oversturn @ghostgurlswrld @flowerxbunnie @ilytrinsworld @lustfulslxt @kiarastromboli @gemofthenight @blahbel668 @haunted-headset @sturnybabes @bethsturn @d3adlyclassrat @sturnybabes @mattsbitch @chrisluvbot @nickenthusiast @sturniolossmut @biimpanicking

🥹❤️‍🩹

can u write a small cute little proposal for matt and reader

EIGHTEEN

❐ summary » matt proposes to y/n at the very spot where he first confessed his love for her when they were both 18. the place holds a special significance in their hearts, making the moment even more poignant and memorable. as he slips the ring onto her finger, memories of their youthful love flood back, intertwining with the promise of their future together.

❐ pairings » fiance!matt x fem!reader

❐ warnings » the bolded texts indicate flashbacks

❐ a/n && w/c » 800 special cause eighteen • 801

"i know i'm only 18 and there's so much i don't understand about life," matt began, his voice tinged with uncertainty. "but there's one thing i'm sure of, and that's how i feel about you. i've never felt this way before, and it scares me a little, but it also feels right." he paused, taking a deep breath, his eyes searching yours for reassurance.

"will you be my girlfriend?" matt inquired, his voice barely above a whisper, as he turned towards you, his eyes filled with a mixture of hope and vulnerability. a sheepish expression danced across his features, and your smile, warm and inviting, was the only response he needed.

“yes,” you replied, your voice barely above a whisper, before closing the distance between you both and pressing your lips to his. his arms encircled you, drawing you closer as the autumn leaves cascaded around you like a tapestry of nature’s confetti. when you finally pulled away, soft giggles escaped your lips. you glanced upward, watching the leaves dance in the breeze, feeling as though the world had momentarily paused just for the two of you.

the words reverberated through the park, resonating like a distant echo yet carrying the weight of a cherished memory.

“why are we here, matt?” you inquire, gazing upward as autumn leaves cascade gently to the earth. it has been an eternity since you last stood here with him.

“it’s a nice autumn day,” matt said, taking your hand with a gentle yet firm grip, leading you through the rustling carpet of fallen leaves to the familiar tree where he had confessed his feelings. “you know i’d do anything for a stroll on an autumn day.”

you smiled, a wave of nostalgia enveloping you like a warm embrace. “yeah, it’s beautiful. are you sure there isn't more to this?”

matt halted beneath the tree, his eyes a blend of seriousness and tenderness. “there is more, y/n. this place holds a deep significance for us, doesn’t it?”

you nodded, memories of that first confession cascading through your mind like a river. “of course, it does. it’s where everything started.”

he took a deep breath, reaching into his pocket. “and now, i want it to be the place where everything continues.” he said, gently tilting your head, causing your eyebrows to furrow in curiosity.

he reached into his pocket, your eyes darting to it as they widened slightly in anticipation.

“y/n, i’ve been thinking a lot about us lately. about how we’ve grown together, laughed together, and even cried together. you’ve been my rock, my confidant, my best friend. every moment with you has been a treasure, and i can’t imagine my life without you,” he said, his eyes still on yours, his voice a tender whisper as his hand gently brushed a strand of hair from your face.

he paused, his voice softening to a near whisper. “i’ve loved you since we were 18. back then, i understood that to love is to be vulnerable. i was scared of that, but you taught me there was nothing to fear. you revealed to me that love is the most beautiful experience we can have.”

he gazed deeply into your eyes, his stare penetrating the very depths of your soul. “i believe that we’re the missing pieces to each other's puzzles. you complete me in ways i never knew were possible. i want to share every sunrise, every challenge, every joy with you. you’ve made me a better person, and i want to spend the rest of my days making you as happy as you’ve made me.”

you took a step back as he gracefully descended onto one knee, unveiling a ring with a flourish. “y/n, will you marry me?”

your lips parted in astonishment, words escaping you as tears immediately streamed down your face, tears of pure joy.

“yes!” you choked out, matt’s eyes brightening as a radiant smile spread across his face. he delicately took your hand, sliding the ring onto your finger with a tender precision before rising. without hesitation, he enveloped you in a passionate embrace, his arms encircling your waist with a protective fervor, while your hands instinctively found their way to cup his face, feeling the warmth of his skin beneath your fingertips.

your tears mingled with each other's, creating a poignant blend of emotion. an autumn leaf gently descended, landing on your head, prompting a soft giggle. you extricated yourself from the kiss, your eyes meeting his with an unspoken understanding.

looking up, you both watched as a cascade of leaves danced around you, each one a silent witness to your shared moment. the world seemed to pause, the rustling leaves a gentle symphony to your love. amidst the falling foliage, you felt a profound connection, a promise of many more seasons to come, intertwined with laughter and tears.

taglist — @imwetforyourmom @meatballzerz69 @pinkishpearls @bandanamatt @thedangerousalleyway @muchloveforhacker @frozenpeanutbutterr @jetaimevous @everleiqh @conspiracy-ash @ifwdominicfike @blahbel668 @slutforsturnioloss @realuvrrr @sturnobsessedwh0re @cerismo

had to share this cause i can't be stuck in this alone ☺✨

reading this with light shower playing on repeat , this is probably the best thing I've read since MONTHS 🤧

• Light Shower

Visit pinned post for navigation.

Headcannons for Bf!Matt x reader who is recovering from SA.

CW: SA, angst, fluff, happy ending. Do not read if this may put yourself in any sort of uncomfortable postition. There is close to no detail of actual SA, but you are responsible for what you read.

This is my work. I do NOT authorize plagiarism or "inspiration" at all.

A/N: snuggle up and take a deep breath while we all escape from reality for a minute <3

ANY LIKES / REBLOGS / INTERACTION is deeply appritiated!!!!

With love and big tits, Rose

Word count: 2997

X. The beginning of the end

There was an obvious shift in everything once it happened. Haunting hands made you sit on the shower floor, desperately trying to feel clean as your skin pruned and softened under the water. Even the warm water never relaxed you like it used to. Little things you used to enjoy were ruined by reminiscent thoughts of every eerie detail of that moment. The moment everything began to end.

You loved your boyfriend, you really did. Matt was like watered-down honey. He made things so sweet, yet easy. His lovingness had poured over your heart like syrup, he made it so easy to love yourself. 

But that got stripped away from you. You felt bare under everyone’s gaze now. It’s as if they somehow knew you weren’t as strong as before. Even soft, sympathetic eyes called you weak—and that included his. 

It was even hard to look him in the eyes. You felt how sorry he was for you, you felt everybody’s emotions but your own. Reality didn’t seem real. It felt like a nightmare, one you were praying to wake up from and forget. But you stayed awake, exhausted and slumped as you tried to hold onto something—anything. 

Matt saw you slip. He was beating himself up so much for not being able to protect you and all he could do was watch your soul fade. There was no help to be given that didn’t hurt you more. No hugs were as comforting anymore, no kisses felt like a distraction. Escaping reality wasn’t possible. You sank into the cold, hard truth and Matt had to watch you drown. 

“Do you…can I hug you?” It was an innocent question, a desperate attempt at holding you together on Matt’s end. 

You hadn’t connected the dots yet. The ache in your heart and head only remembered how good his embrace felt, how comforting it had always been. Nodding, you lean into his arms as he hugs you tightly. 

And then it stops. 

It’s almost as if you can hear your heart shatter as you feel your chest tighten with uncertainty. Feelings of anxiety and panic rush through you as you stiffen in his arms. It hurts to be in his arms—it hurts to feel so trapped—so vulnerable, so broken. 

But it hurts even worse when you pull yourself back and see his blank face shedding a tear. He’s trying to hold himself together, but it’s no use. There’s nothing he can do for you and there’s nothing you can do for him. 

It’s the beginning of the end. 

X. Frozen in fear 

It wasn’t even the perpetrator that haunted you the most—it was how you reacted. Grabbing hands and dirty words had made you freeze in place. You stayed stuck and helpless. A ‘no’ didn’t leave your lips. Shock had made you useless, it made you weak. And now—now it made you feel disgusted. 

How were you supposed to tell people you just laid there? How were you supposed to feel bad for yourself when you didn’t even put up a fight? 

There were overflowing oceans of fear when you first confessed to Matt. He didn’t ask for details, but he knew your hands were free of any bruises or signs of a fight. You felt guilty, you felt disgusting. 

If you couldn’t fight for yourself, why couldn’t you at least fight for him? 

You didn’t want it, but did Matt know that? 

The nights are restless as you both lay in bed. On opposite sides, facing opposite walls. Distance physically shows nothing compared to the emotional disconnect. 

Matt's eyes are squinted shut. His eyelashes are crusting together through hot tears, the fat drops silenting pleading with the moon peeping through the curtains to change something—anything. Your stare is trained blankly on the wall, trying to think of anything but how dirty you feel. 

Restless, your boyfriend aches to hold you, but he knows better. He wants you to be completely comfortable and ready, he doesn’t care how long it takes. 

Sometimes, in the middle of the night, Matt wakes up to find himself subconsciously reaching for your body. For a moment, he forgets about everything. Watching your peaceful figure sleep while letting out calm breaths, he can’t help but stay in a hazy daydream. He reaches out, going to hold you in his arms, his heart aching to be closer to yours. 

Time freezes as he watches your body flinch away from his touch. You let out a soft, disgruntled noise and he feels rotten for even touching you. It all comes crashing down on him. He turns back on his side, facing towards the wall while broken heaves of air cry from his lips. 

Frozen in time, Matt cries quietly until the morning. He doesn’t move when he hears you wake up to go take a shower. His thoughts convince him that maybe he triggered a haunting nightmare that left you feeling unclean since you don’t usually take morning showers. He tries to find some sort of peace in knowing he can’t accidentally roll over and touch you, but there’s no peace to be found. He’s stuck—frozen and paralyzed in fear and regret.

Your body is being caressed by frozen, cold water. The only temperature that makes you at least feel something. Any warmer and it seemed to replicate the heat of someone’s touch and that—that left you nauseous. Your fingers scratch into your skin as you scold yourself. 

If only you had moved, maybe this could have been different.

Fear had frozen your body and now it had frozen your heart. No sympathy lingered for yourself. There’s a heaping fountain of regret flooding your system as you replay the events, but there’s also mountains of fear. You were scared to say how you laid frozen. You were scared to admit it out loud, to have it really be true. But, you were also scared of his reaction. If you confirmed it—would he think as lowly of you as you did for yourself? 

You didn’t understand why. You loved him, but why couldn’t you love him enough to try and stop it? 

“Well, what happened?” Your friend meant it as an innocent question, but you didn’t know how to respond. There was a lingering resentment that seemed to grow each passing day. Mold spread on unclean skin—your skin. 

“I–uh, I just…I just froze, I—I don’t know,” you rush out, feeling interrogated despite her soft tone. 

Her eyebrows furrow as she cocks her head to the side. “Oh, like—you froze? I…I mean, I can understand that. That sounds…rough. Have you told Matt yet?” she asks. 

Shaking your head from side to side with shameful eyes staring down into your lap. It’s almost as if she’s asking if you’ve confessed to cheating on him. Your stomach knots into sickeing twists. 

“I, uh—no. I…how am I supposed to tell him that? I mean, I just…froze in fear, but…I…” your words are unsure and as jumbled as your mind. 

Your friend admits she’s unsure. You wonder what she means and if it’s directed at the fact she doesn’t know how you say it or how you admit it without breaking his heart. But it’s too late to change the past. It’s too late to even feel any different. 

You’re still frozen in fear. 

X. Worn and rusted 

The way you talk to each other isn’t the same. Endless conversations disappear. Nights are quiet with a lingering whisper of insecurity and doubt. You can feel the distance, but now you can taste it. A metallic flavor of rust and blood as you painfully bite into your cheek, holding back words that won’t escape in a solid sentence. 

Matt drives you to therapy in silence. Long car rides to and from, but he doesn’t care. He just wants you to be okay, he just wants to hug you without feeling like he’s hurting you. 

Acts of service had always been important for him to show his love, but now they were all he had left. He couldn’t hold you, he couldn’t talk to you without both of you fading into a guilty silence, and he couldn’t bare to give you a gift when you stared at it with lifeless eyes, wishing the candy brought you as much joy as it used to. 

Waiting patiently outside, he already had your favorite music playing with your seat heater on. He notices your bloodshot eyes and soft sniffles as you climb back into the car. “How…how was it? Are you okay? Can I…can I do anything to help? We could go get some ice cream at that one—” 

“I—just take me home. I…I can’t. Not now,” you say. 

His lip quivers as he holds his breath. Your words are truthful, you can’t handle anymore emotions, but that doesn’t mean they don’t hurt. Silence is somehow louder than the music playing the car as he drives you both home. 

There’s nothing he can do and there’s nothing you are able to give. You both watch the once shiny wheels halt with rusted screws, stripping them further as you ignore the screaming warning to do something—anything. 

Worn down, there’s nothing left to give. 

X. Dull knives 

It was hard to break skin with dull blades. That described how Matt felt watching your slip further and deeper away from him. No matter how hard he tried to talk, his words didn’t penetrate anything. They rested on the surface of your skin that had grown unbearably thick, so thick it felt like it didn’t sit right over your bones. 

“Talk to me. Please. I…I’m here for you. Let me be here for you. Just, please,” Begging on his knees in front of you, he lets streams of hopelessness slide down his cheeks and onto your lap and he holds onto your hands tightly. 

It’s almost as if he’s praying. He doesn’t care who hears it, he just needs someone to listen. Looking into your eyes, he’s cussing out any gods eavesdropping that are watching the scene play. Your boyfriend had never been the type of man to go to church, but you had noticed how he had become so desperate for any hope. He had even asked his mother, a proud christian woman, to pray for you at church. He was desperate as much as he was lost. 

You look down at him with sad eyes, sinking further back into your mind. “I…I’m trying, Matt. I just, I don’t know how to get better, I—I swear, I’m trying,” you proclaim, your voice wavering with insecurity and a menacing gloom of self loathing pity. 

He regrets asking the question entirely, but he can’t help himself but crumble and sob into your lap as your hands lay still on top of his head. There’s part of him that wants to scream, letting out his utter frustration to the world for being so unfair, so cruel. Part of you was taken away and it wouldn’t return. All of you had fallen into a pit of sickening mounds of dry bones while you reached new sorts of deadly lows. 

There wasn’t much hope left. You clung onto the dull knife, praying your skin would somehow become immune overnight—or at least it wouldn’t hurt so bad anymore. The same thoughts, the same fears, the same regrets. A sharp knife would at least be quick, but this—this was painful. It was slow, it was unforgiving and relentless. The same emotions and flashbacks had you curled in a ball and heaving for air like a child having a tantrum. 

And all he could do was watch. 

He stared at your moving, yet lifeless body. Now, he held his own dull knife. A similar worn blade that he clutched so tightly it made him bleed and bruise. He was waiting for you. You couldn’t suffer alone, your hearts were too intertwined for that to even be a choice. 

It felt like centuries. Dull knives, clutched so hard for so long, but never truly cut all the way through. At times, the two of you squeezed tighter, hoping that maybe there might be a relief in truly being dismembered and broken. 

The blades were too dull. It felt like a curse and a blessing, but only time would really expose which was the truth. You both had to sit, holding on tightly, hoping and praying that infection wouldn't kill you both. 

X. Let’s be alone together

Months. Long, extenuating, draining months. So much time, yet such little progress. Matt had grown to feel useless and alone, watching you drown in your own dry tears. You kept pushing him out, and he rolled with the waves of emotions until he couldn’t. 

“Please, just…let me stay, baby. I—I wanna stay with you. I’ll be quiet, I won’t touch you, I—fuck, don’t lock me out,” he chokes out between shaky breaths. Your bedroom door had a lock, but it wasn’t what he was referring to. He was exhausted and beyond famished. Your pushing had knocked him over and he needed you to get back up. 

You closed the bedroom door with him inside, curling into a ball on the bed as he sat and leaned against the headboard. He watched you sob and claw into your own skin. His heart shattered. The shaking fingers twiddled in his lap helplessly as he endured your torture. He drowned in your tears with you, promising himself that this was progress. 

You needed to be alone. Somehow, it felt like you were alone. Even being next to each other in such silence. 

At least you were alone together.  

X. Stumbling steps 

Matt continued lingering around your huddled body while you seeped into sadness. He let it break his heart over and over again. His body laid still, unmoving as he was just there for you. 

Soft sheets and blankets divided you two. He had his eyes winced shut, holding back his own tears while focusing on your broken sobs. 

As he felt your figure hesitantly hug around him, his eyes shot wide open. All strength for holding it together crumbled as you clutched onto him tightly. Something had changed, paralyzed time had moved somehow. The dull knife had butchered your skin so dearly, that the scarred skin rejected slicing open. 

“Baby?” he whispers, hesitantly putting his hands to pet over your hair while your body shakes. “I….are you sure?” he asks. 

You pull him even tighter. The broken cries and sniffles mix with your words. “I—hold me, please. It—” You’re left broken and wordless as he pulls you completely into his chest. 

Adjusting, you let his arms swing your body as he holds you as close as possible. He’s practically rocking you like a baby, and you can’t help but let your baby steps rush into a full sprint. 

“I got you, I…I got you,” he soothes, petting the back of your head as his own tears cloud his vision. 

Letting go, you give him everything. The flood of emotions and tired anger is relieved with your limp figure collapsing into his hold. Trust invades every inch of your body. Space and time of his actions and love had given your mind more assurance to the point where your heart believed it finally. 

“You…you’re so strong, sweetheart. Baby steps, let it all out,” he voices. 

Baby steps. The small motions that fled your body with a nostalgic comfort left you stumbling over your feet, crying and screaming in his arms, but it was okay. Your heart finally lets you relax—it finally let you crumble completely. 

X. Light showers 

Seeing hope, the smallest glimpse at the end of the tunnel had been the clue. You held it like a worn piece of paper, delicately grasping it in a firm hold. Nights got more talkative, they got warmer. Hesitantly, distance was closed and forgotten. 

“I don’t care how your body made you react, I know you, I know you didn’t deserve any of this and—and I know we’ll always have each other,” 

The same words, assured time after time. His voice practically manifested for you, calming your thoughts to think more logically. 

People froze. Whether it was watching someone they loved fade from life or going to war and seeing the brutal field of blood and anguish, people froze. You couldn’t help that something so terrible and so cruel had forced you to react in such a way. The only thing you could do was believe him since he believed you. 

“You don’t have to convince me, sweetheart. There’s no part of me that doubts your loyalty because of how you were able to cope,” 

Screams and sobs fell quieter. It all faded into a welded patch of skin—a scar. Soft cries and hushed whimpers even started to become gentle laughs as his body held onto yours tightly, cuddling you into a peaceful sleep that let your body gain energy to truly recover, to truly heal. 

Rainy days sometimes start in a tsunami. Memories are like weapons and sometimes you can’t help but remember that dull knife sawing into you. But, Matt is like watered-down honey. He lathers the sticky, natural remedy before wrapping you in bandages and hugging you tightly. 

Your boyfriend is just there. He still waits outside in the car when you go to therapy, but now he takes you to go get the ice cream after and he plays the music a little louder while holding your hand on the console. There’s mountains of blankets piled on top of your mingled bodies through the night as you hold each other tightly. Showers are warmer. They’re also not so lonely. He washes your body the same as he always had. Delicate hands rub suds into your skin, cleansing you with care and love. You don’t just see the light at the end of the tunnel, you feel it with every cleansing hand and whisper. 

He is your light shower. 

A/N: Thank you for reading and I hope this healed something for you as much as it did for me! Please contact any hotlines if you are ever struggling. I've even personally used the text hotline countless times and it's always been a constant tool i've been able to use.

With love and big tits, Rose

.

yes im clingy..

yes i have attachment issues..

no, i dont know why..

the second someone seems like they fw me, it reminds little me that i am lovable..

maybe im js crazy..

or maybe lil me js wanted to be loved..

mad dog jokes over please come back 🙏

publicly stating myself as a madi filipowicz defender, bc she truly just is a quiet, sweet & pretty girl who got hate for no reason 🥲

such a beautiful day to be a matt girlie☺

such a beautiful day to be a Matt girlie ☺

50 SUBS NO WAY I LOVE YOU ALL!!

thx for being actually interested in the things i reblog and random vents y'all are amazing🫂💖

WHAT DO YOU MEAN A CHURCH IS GONNA BE INCLUDED IN S5 WHAT DO YOU MEAN SAID CHURCH IS COVERED IN UPSIDE DOWN VINES WHAT DO YOU MEAN FINN AND NOAH ARE SCHEDULED TO FILM THERE WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERES A POSSIBILITY THAT WILL COULD GET POSSESSED AGAIN WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE COULD GET A SCENE OF POSSESSED WILL CHOKING MIKE WHAT DO YOU MEANNNNNNN