When I Started My Last Director Job At A University, They Told Me One Of My Duties Would Be To Write

when i started my last director job at a university, they told me one of my duties would be to write all the chancellor’s letters. me: “cool. but why though?” them: “English isn’t the chancellor’s first language.” me: “I’m aware of that.” them: “the chancellor likes the suggestions that autocorrect gives him if he misspells something.” me: “Ah.” them: hands me a copy of a letter the chancellor sent to a donor who had just given a million-dollar gift to the university, which includes the following: ‘The profundity of your gift fills us with the greatest horror. In recognition we have prepared a special plague to compromise you and your family’. 

Which is why to this day when I’m struggling to communicate in a different language, i remember the chancellor, who was Doing His Best, and i try to give myself a break.

Could a homosexual lend me, an asexual, a single use of the word flaming?

Writing a novel when you imagine all you stories in film format is hard because there’s really no written equivalent of “lens flare” or “slow motion montage backed by Gregorian choir”

Computers are very simple you see we take the hearts of dead stars and we flatten them into crystal chips and then we etch tiny pathways using concentrated light into the dead star crystal chips and if we etch the pathways just so we can trick the crystals into doing our thinking for us hope this clears things up.

“magic isnt real” — plants just grow out of the ground. for free. everywhere.

Incoming

American Robins (Turdus migratorius)

January 23, 2024

Southeastern Pennsylvania