This Is What Religious Values Do To A Vulnerable LGBTQ+ Persons Brain.

this is what religious values do to a vulnerable LGBTQ+ person’s brain.

I know I didn’t announce it before, but I wanted to explain why I’ve been gone for so long. I experienced a heavy mental crash recently. I’ve been struggling a lot with accepting myself. For once it’s not for my overall hatred for myself, rather it’s about my sexuality.

As many of you already know, I am a cisgendered, bisexual girl. I go to a private, Catholic high school. I’ve always been raised Catholic. However, I’ve known for a long time that I’m bisexual. I’ve always rejected any religious values I’ve been taught, because of all the religious rejection of the LGBTQ+ community. However, pretending to be fully straight while religious bullshit is being thrown at you is hard.

(Also, I understand that many gay men, lesbian women, trans men and women can go through far worse. I am lucky for having some heterosexual attraction. This is just my experience at my Catholic school.)

At the beginning of this year I was already mentally exhausted. I was in a vulnerable emotional state, and I was just ready to get this year of school over with. However, this emotional vulnerability brought me to listen to religious values more. I started to feel comforted by the thought that God had my back, despite not supporting the people I love. I suddenly felt less alone than I did before. Then, my teacher began talking about her (the Catholic) view on sex, how it should be between only a man and woman, and sexuality in general. Usually I would get fired up and mentally block every hypocritical work they said. This time, I didn’t, I listened to her. I listened to the bullshit she spewed and I hung onto every word. For a moment, I believed her. I began thinking I was sinful, my temptations were awful and could be destroyed. I had a girlfriend at the time, and I broke up with her. (One of the biggest regrets in my entire life.)

In my newfound straight/religious views, I got a boyfriend. (He is no longer my boyfriend for reading you will see later. Also, those who follow me know him as blue.) He made me happy, however, there was always something he did that made me upset.

He constantly uses the word “faggot.” This word is extremely normal in a Catholic school, especially with straight boys. I always felt a spark of anger when he used it, but I never did anything about it. Why should I feel offended? I thought, I’m not longer attracted to women, so I shouldn’t feel offended by that. I was completely throwing everything away inside my body that screamed, “STOP!! YOU ARE NOT WHAT THEY ARE CONVINCING YOU TO BE!”

One day, without me even knowing why, I burst out, “Can you stop using that word!? It’s so offensive!”

He was taken aback, obviously confused, as I had never opposed to him saying it before. “Why? It doesn’t matter.”

“Yes it does!” I insisted, confusing myself as I continued to push.

“Oh come on, I don’t care if I offend anyone, I hate gays. My dad raised me to hate them, so I don’t care if I offend them.”

My jaw dropped. I turned around and walked away from him. I couldn’t control the absolute anger rising and boiling my blood. Despite being raised Catholic, my Mom always taught me to love everyone, not matter what. Even if I was “no longer tempted by my attracting you women,” I was extremely angry at blue. But at the same time, I was sad for him.

I knew it wasn’t his fault.

His mom was a religion teacher at a middle school, and his dad is a raging alcoholic with strong opinions. It wasn’t his fault that he thought this way. He was raised this way. He wouldn’t know what the outside world thought unless he was raised with open minded views.

And I shouldn’t care. I tried to CONVINCE myself that I shouldn’t care. I was straight now, right?

wrong.

I tried so fucking hard to believe that I wasn’t this sinful freak that my peers and teachers convinced me I was. I was, no, I am a bisexual girl.

And now I have learned to be proud of it.

I honestly couldn’t do it alone, I had to remember that it was okay for me to have these attemractions. That it is OKAY to be in love with a woman!

(Some people that helped me remember that: @strange-aeons - I found this wonderful woman on youtube. She is a cis lesbian that I’ve looked up to recently. The videos she makes on religion v.s sexuality are honestly beautiful. She is respectful towards religion while explaining that being part of the LGBTQ is not only okay, but it’s our RIGHTS! She doesn’t just shit on religion while saying it’s meaningless. In my sensitive state, I appreciated that, and I found that missing part of myself again.

Mr. Athiest - Another person I found on youtube. He’s an ex mormon and faced lots of struggles with religion. I believe that he’s pansexual (please, correct me if I’m wrong) and he has very strong beliefs about religion and sexuality. Although, his views towards religion was a little less sensitive than strange-aeon’s views, it was the slap in the face that I needed to get my out of that mindset. He helped me realize that being the way I am is OKAY! His firm and strong words helped me immensely.

My best friends - My closest friends that know about my sexuality always supported me. They helped me through this when I opened up to them, and even though many of them are very religious, they told me the truth. When I said I felt like I was sinful for being attracted to women and that I felt like being straight was the answer, they basically said “Bitch, shut up you’re a bit gay and it’s okay.” Which is exactly what I needed to hear from the people I consider closest to me.

Finally, the amazing communities all over the internet and the world - I have found my peace. I have found my acceptance and serenity with countless groups, websites, and strangers online. I know that what I was feeling is okay, questioning myself because of religion is normal. When a belief is pushed on you enough, it can seriously effect you. However, because of all these reasons, I know that I’ll be okay.)

I hope my story can help many of you. I want to believe none of you will have to go through this, but I know some people will. I hope this can be the push you needed to know that you are valid. You are amazing, your sexuality is beautiful. I love you, the whole community loves you. I have fought for a long time to realize that \/

I’m a bisexual woman and I’m fucking proud.