Sisterofreverance - I Shall Betake Me To The Mount Of Myrrh

reasons to be alive:

all the beautiful things at stake for me, when im no longer in agony and i already love me. the things that are meant to compensate the years of my suffering. the calm after the storm. the very feeling of having the chance to say, “i finally did it. im here. im glad im here.”

movies to be produced, technology and computers to be created, artworks to be made, and the mere existence of the future. will it be as technologic as i imagined it to be? i want to know. i want to see it myself

the delight and simple joy of seeing the sunrise; will it be as orange as yesterday? or will it be a little more pink? painting, taking snaps, and enjoying the scenery without having to worry about anything. the beauty of nature. i want to feel it every day.

the coming of the seasons. the smell of lavenders and sunflowers on spring. the ombré colors of the streets on autumn. the warmth of the summer sunshine. the coolness of snow on my winter skin. the concept of having to experience the cycle every year. the clothes i must wear on such. every little thing about everyday.

the pets i love. i wouldn’t want them to wake up and wonder where i am one day. i know what it’s like to be so alone in this place full of strangers. and i know it will break their hearts. the plants i keep. i dont want them to wilt and die bc nobody would water them miraculously as much as i do. i dont want them to lose themselves the way i lost me.

the books i haven’t read. the museums i haven’t been to. the songs i haven’t heard. the people i haven’t met. the simplest things that i haven’t done. i want to feel what it’s like to meet new things once again. i want to feel what it’s like to feel appreciated and to appreciate something one last time.

and the redemption. i want to be me again. i want to remember what it’s like to be me a few years ago. i want to wake up without groaning because i didn’t lose it last night. i just want to be new, to be reborn, to be beautiful one more time. and that will only happen if im alive. and that simple string of hope is what keeps me going. and i believe that simple string of hope will keep me breathing for the longest time. :)

please remember that in a healthy, adult relationship (romantic or not), you should be able to talk about things that are bothering you. if you are bottling up your emotions and holding it against someone when you haven’t told them what is wrong, you’re not engaging in healthy behaviour. but also, if your friend/significant other makes you feel as though you can’t talk about what bothers you- i.e. has made you feel guilty/gotten extraordinarily angry when things were brought up in the past- they are not engaging in healthy behaviour.

one of the most amazing things that has been said to me in therapy is that self esteem doesn’t exist.

and that floored people and the psych went onto say that what she meant was that self esteem is a concept that actually includes a vast array of things and labelling them all as one thing is really limiting and prevents actual improvement

you could have real strong pride in the things you create and hate your body

you could hate your creations but also want to share them with people

you could not hate yourself at all but not take care of yourself, engage in reckless self endangerment

thats all bundled under ‘self esteem’ but saying ‘i need better self esteem’ doesn’t mean anything

whereas if you say ‘i need to work on ways to keeping myself safe, refusing to act on destructive urges’ or ‘i want to be in a place where i believe compliments trusted people give me’

thats concrete, thats a goal.

having it said in therapy helped a lot of people in my group stop saying ‘i have low self esteem’ and start specifying about the actual issue they have

Some words of wisdom from Carrie Fisher

“Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. ” 

“If my life wasn’t funny it would just be true, and that is unacceptable.” 

“Sometimes you can only find Heaven by slowly backing away from Hell.” 

“I feel I’m very sane about how crazy I am.” 

“And when you’re young you want to fit in. Hell, I still want to fit in with certain humans, but as you get older you get a little more discriminating.” 

“In my opinion, a problem derails your life and an inconvenience is not being able to get a nice seat on the un-derailed train.” 

“You know the bad thing about being a survivor… You keep having to get into difficult situations in order to show off your gift.” 

“There is no point at which you can say, ‘Well, I’m successful now. I might as well take a nap.” 

“No motive is pure. No one is good or bad-but a hearty mix of both. And sometimes life actually gives to you by taking away.”