Crack Fic

crack fic

warning: mild sexual content, crack crack crack. THIS IS PURE CRACK!!!

Nikolai drew Zoya into his arms slowly, smiling as he kissed her. "You must be excited- this is the second-last stop."

"Oh- is it? I hadn't noticed." she answered. Nikolai laughed, knowing that not to be true. She had been grumbling and whining and complaining every day of the trip. It had been some of the best weeks of his life. The thought that he would get to live like this for the rest of life swelled his chest- and also perhaps the fact that Zoya brought her hands to his shirt- determined to unbutton the impossible buttons.

"My love," he said gently, "we have to leave soon." Nikolai kissed her lips chastely. She continued making quick work of his buttons, and a familiar shiver of desire struck him. Nikolai took her hands. "Zoya; you are making me be the voice of reason and I hate it. We have your appearance soon.''

Zoya sighed, wringing her hands free and taking the liberty of re-buttoning his shirt. "Yes. We do. See you later, Lantsov?"

"You know it, Nazyalensky." Nikolai turned and stepped out of the room, leaving Zoya with the precious few minutes she had before she had to appear in front of the public at Caryeva.

~

Nikolai grinned as he waded through the crowd, proud to do this for Zoya today instead of himself. He had known the people would have to look at her, and he had been excited for another one of these- the publicity tours, as Zoya called them.The people looked at him, yes, but Zoya was the true object of their worship. He honestly felt an enormous weight lift off his shoulders as he watched the subjects scream for their Sankta, even four hours after her only appearance. Nikolai would have felt guilty, but he knew that the burden would not weigh nearly as much on Zoya. She could not care less what people thought of her.

He felt a hand on his shoulder, and he turned around- only to see a ghost. It was Dominik. He told himself he was being ridiculous, lots of people looked similar, after all, he reasoned. But no, it was Dominik. The scar above his brow where the cook's hot ladle had flicked, the eyes- those eyes. "Do I know you?" he summoned the energy and courage for words.

"Nikolai the Spider Squealer- look where you are now." the man who could not be Dominik but inexplicably was grinned and spoke.

"H- how?" he managed to get out. The crowd of people pressed against him.

"Here- let's go into the corner. You need to sit down, friend." as Dominik's ghost steered him to a corner outside of an ally. Friend. That word... had they not been each other's everything back then? "Do you need water?" Dominik asked.

"I seem to be in greater need of answers." Nikolai replied. Dominik smiled again, and Nikolai already knew that it could not be a ghost, because no ghost would ever smile like Dominik had.

"Well- I stopped breathing. You were there for that part. I was left in that field of bodies." A distinct tone of bitterness took over his voice. "But I was found by a group of scavengers. I do not know how I survived woth my wounds, but I did. On the move, eating scraps, I survived. The scavengers at last brought me to Keramzin. At the hospital there, they gave me something, and I fainted. Went into a coma for five years. Woke up right before the war ended. I was healed, and so I found the love of my life, and we shifted here." Nikolai processed that for five minutes.

"What do you do?" he asked, at last.

Dominik beamed. "My handsome husband supports us both, he's a trader."

Nikolai was finding it difficult to breathe. "Good to see you're alive, man." was what he got out before stumbling away.

~

Nikolai shut the door to their chambers. Zoya looked up from her place on the bed, scowling. "Where were you? You know, you cannot do this to me. First you crown me against my wish, make me do this tour, and then disappear? Ravka does not need an undiplomatic queen, Nikolai!"

"No- that is the last thing Ravka needs. What it needs is you, a person who they can have the purest belief in." he responded automatically, but with a hollowness inside him. Zoya immediately sat up.

"Nikolai? What's wrong? Did something happen?" she asked, walking to him.

"Zoya- you know Dominik's plant in the garden?" she nodded impatiently. "I think we can remove that now." Zoya drew her brows together, confused.

"Nikolai; you did not tell me who Dominik was at that time, and I do not press, but you have to tell me if something is wrong, Kolya." she called him the nickname she had only used once before, the one reserved for special occasions. What a devious trick- she knew it would cause him to melt.

"He was my-" Zoya interrupted him, pushing him back on the bed.

"What? Get comfortable! If I know anything, I know this is going to be a long story." she said.

He rested against the headboard, took a deep breath, and began. "He was my only friend, really. When I was younger, I was a troublesome, naughty child- I know, unimaginable." he said as Zoya's brows rose.

"I was excited one morning- I had procured a mouse to set into my Tutor's bag. Imagine my surprise when I found there had been another desk and chair all set up- with a frightened boy sitting there. He wouldn't talk very much, just called me 'moi tsarevich'. When I released the mouse, my tutor screamed and I laughed. But then- he whipped Dominik. He was to act as a whipping boy for me- for who would dare raise a hand against the prince?

After that I did not cause trouble. I promised him I would do better. But somehow- in that silent corpse of a palace; we became friends. As we got older, we started sneaking out of the palace, to his house. We roughhoused and shouted and ran through fields. When I was fifteen, we were lying in the fields together and I looked at him- and I kissed him. He kissed me back. But the very next day, when I was sneaking back, Vasily caught me. I had gotten careless, you see. I... became what I am. I charmed my mother and her court and flattered my father and wrote to gunsmiths and officers and ministers and generals.

"I got Dominik's brother reassigned to a place where the fighting was light. I joined the infantry right along with him. He... was my everything."

"And then he died. But I saw him today. Turns out he survived, went into a coma, found a rich handsome trader husband."

Zoya crawled into his arms, melting into him. He held onto her like she was his only anchor and he a pathetic drowning ship, and sobbed. "He did not once think he should tell me? Some mornings, his words, he was the only reason I could even get up. He just... forgot?"

"Nikolai. Nikolai- Kolya, listen to me. What else can you do?"

"If only- I'd checked his pulse, I wouldn't be here right now, Zoya do you understand? There was another life I could have lived."

"That is what you could have done. There is no use crying over spilt milk, Kolya. Moreover, do you regret this? Do you regret... me?"

He looked in his heart's eyes and said, "No. Of course not. You are right, of course. You always are." and attempted a smile.

Zoya's eyes narrowed. "Normally I would savour those words, but why does it feel like you're up to something? Like your mind isn't at rest?"

That made Nikolai laugh; a small laugh yes, but a laugh. "When is it ever?" he asked.

oh, ruthless zoya!

yass bestie

please reblog this if you’re a zoyalai shipper

i want to follow you all lovely people

me!

alright there is only one(1) complete actual fic ive written and this is it

also, ive written this new crack fic which allows my trash self to write nik/nik without feeling guilty and this is it.

however, i would absolutely LOVE asks from y'all- though i cant be sure as to when ill reply- but i WILL. love y'all! (also there are little sneak peeks to my fic for the gvbb all over my acc, so go check that out!)

he is so delulu

this would happen

genya: zoya you'd look better with blonde hair nikolai: oooh oohhh i wanna see! zoya: absolutely not genya and nikolai: come onnnn!!!! zoya: never again nikolai and genya whispering in a corner: zoya: *sets trap around her and naps*

nikolai, deep in the night: OWWW