Had Big ADHD Fun Times The Other Day While Trying To Get Dinner...

Had big ADHD fun times the other day while trying to get dinner...

There's a farmers market style place about five or ten minutes from where I live. Besides the usual produce etc., they also serve hot food like tamales on the cheap. My mom picked up some boudin from there once (yes, I live in Louisiana), so I figured, why not go try it?

I didn't realize before I left, but I was spacey as hell, which makes driving twice as hard... and twice as dangerous. I could feel myself violently snap back to reality every time someone turned out in front of me, which happened way too often for being, again, a five to ten minute drive.

I made it there safely by some miracle, but while I was in line, I couldn't stop thinking about how weird the drive was. This didn't happen the last time I was here getting tamales, right?

Anyway, I got up to the counter and asked the lady working there for some tamales. She went to the back, opened the pot with tamales in it, and asked how many I wanted.

It started to dawn on me that something was wrong. Yet, I managed to ask for 3. She pulled them out of the pot and into a bag.

...I slowly remembered I was here for boudin. How did I get tamales???

I thought about correcting myself, pointing out that I meant to say boudin. But the tamales were already out of the pot, she was already ringing them up, and I didn't want to explain how I could have possibly made such a huge mixup. So I rolled with it.

The drive home was a lot easier, which was probably for the best, since I was now twice as spacey – completely fixated on figuring out literally what just happened???

That night, I had tamales for dinner. They were good. But they were not boudin.

I still haven't gone back yet for boudin.

Thruspace has a fabulous aesthetic, so I decided to record it for posterity. In the process, I did my best ever run of Endless Mode!

I love this kind of abstract aesthetic in puzzle games... Thruspace is particularly inspriational to me because of its progression – the further you go, the more it opens up, and you get to see more of the sky outside 🌅

Recently, I found one of my missing sketchbooks from 2011 – including a drawing of the last level of the game that I had completely forgotten about:

To think this game has been inspiring me so strongly for nearly a decade now!

(Also can you believe there's no rips of the OST anywhere??)

I’m back in the Mari0 scene with a new project! Here’s a (slightly crusty) video showing my progress so far. Not sure why the graphics look Like That, I might have to clean the contacts on my cartridge…

Long Desk

with a little help from twitter, i decided to get some upgrades for my streaming setup! easier streams lead to more streams, after all ✨ so i got myself a new monitor and a new router so i can stream from my room again. but the biggest upgrade by far:

how it started vs. how it's going, Long Desk edition

look at how much more space there is now!! this is literally exactly the same model of desk i've had for nearly a decade, except twice as long. thus: Long Desk.

i've always liked these cube shelves, so i made them part of the desk setup.

what used to be a completely separate entertainment center setup that i had to fumble around with every time i wanted to stream, is now a dedicated streaming/recording setup that cleanly extends my existing digital workspace – ready to go live at any time!

definitely not hinting at any future drawings here...

but far more exciting imo is that the whole other half of the desk is a dedicated PHYSICAL workspace, something i've never had before! i'm hoping this will encourage me to experiment and sketch more often, as well as practice drawing in a much more focused environment.

all i have to do to change my focus is switch the chair from one side to the other, and all the tools i need are already there – no more having to get Set Up, do stuff from my bed, clean up clutter gathered from a thousand different hobbies… less friction, more creating!

Long Desk

wow look at all of this repressed stuff in my brain!! there's like a whole person in here!!! i gotta dig this up and start using it ok how do i express these things like other people do

...................................uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

i'm pretty sure that both my struggle to express myself and the fact that all of this stuff is repressed to begin with stem from the same issue, which is one of complete alienation

it's a little hard to explain, so strap in...

i have a very small and tight-knit circle of interests, mostly guided by one Special Interest:

✨ Video Games ✨

and surprise surprise, most people in my life are not into those things. nobody's ever bullied me for it, or anything, but nobody knew how to support it either.

i was homeschooled so i didn't get to hang out with other kids my age very much. most of them were into other things like sports, and i had no connection there. besides, they already had friends from school. once i turned ten i stopped trying to make friends myself.

the few friends i had who *were* into video games were either church friends or family friends, and lived far enough away that we had to drive there. which would happen when my parents wanted to meet up with theirs, not when i did.

so i got to see them like once a month, maybe.

that means most of my time was spent with adults… who have better things to do than listen to some kid babble about nonsense they don't understand, like games.

i actually used to autism spout, if you can believe that. most of it was met with some variant of "that's nice, dear"

so i learned to just… accept that nothing i had to say was important. that everyone else had more important things to talk about. that i was supposed to sit in my corner and wait for someone to reach out to me first out of pity. that i would be left out most of the time.

it seems silly for that to happen over video games, but remember: i have autism, and that's my special interest. it's all i have to express myself with. i didn't learn much else!

i did figure out how to express myself creatively, but honestly... that just added to the loneliness.

and trust me, i know people are allowed to have other interests and that sometimes i should just stop and listen.

in fact i would usually say i'm proud of my listening and observation skills,

except i am now 25 and still feel like i haven't really had my turn to speak?

truthfully, as an adult, i've had a few chances. but at this point it's not even alienation anymore, it's repression from being made to feel Unimportant. every chance i've had to lead the conversation, or come up with a topic… i don't say it. because who cares other than me?

and when someone else is already talking about other things, i just go into Listening Mode, because i have nothing to contribute. unsurprisingly, that is still most of the time. most other people have diverse interests, or they talk about other people that i don't know, etc.

so i sit there with nothing to say. while they have everything to say. because they know how to express themselves, and i never got the chance to figure out.

and this happens every time.

i can be at the same table as ten people who i call close friends and still feel completely alone, simply because they are all chatting about or doing something that i have nothing to contribute to. (that's not an exaggeration. this has happened. several times.)

and it's not just talking! i can be with a friend, who invited me there, playing video games together, and still feel like i am wasting their time that they could be spending doing more important or fulfilling things that they would probably like better!!

i don't get it!!!

the most i've ever gotten to express myself through my interests without feeling alienated for it… is here. social media. and y'all know this isn't the healthiest way for me to go about it.

but at least it's better than those empty pity interactions. ("so how's work going?")

anyway i realize i've focused a lot on "talking" and "video games" in this post but please know that the general sense of alienation and chronic loneliness is pervasive and affects a lot more than just those things. this is just the most direct way that i know to illustrate it

and even then, there's a whole lot more that i've repressed for so long. this is just the one that i'm the most familiar with, as i dig down into this huge mess of other things that i had no idea existed

it's a lot. there's so much. it's gonna take time to work through it all.

Redraw of my current Twitter avatar – my Animal Crossing OC, Rivers! I should properly introduce her here sometime.