In This House We Call Mat Cauthon Babygirl But Like, Respectfully. Because He Might Carry Trauma From

In this house we call Mat Cauthon babygirl but like, respectfully. Because he might carry trauma from being called things like that.

no wait i lied i thought of another one

wheel of time books rated by cauthor content

the eye of the world: The Great Cauthor Roadtrip in all its glory. there’s bedsharing, there’s handholding, there’s cuddling for warmth, there’s comforting after nightmares, there’s caretaking while sick, there’s everything you could ask for. if i even tried to start listing specific moments we’d be here all day, but i will note that “i won’t leave you. i won’t leave you no matter what.” and “you’re rand al’thor, that’s who you are. with the ugliest face and the thickest head in the two rivers.” are two of my top most romantic WOT lines of all time. 10/10

the great hunt: they spend a good chunk of the book separated, but there’s still plenty of content to go around. rand’s main motivation throughout the book is to find the dagger to save mat’s life. mat finds out rand can channel and angst ensues. “i thought we were………….however you want it, al’thor” drives me insane to this day. 7/10

the dragon reborn: they don’t see each other all book, but they do think about each other. the first thing out of rand’s mouth in this book is “do you think mat is all right?” mat spends a lot of time angstily thinking about rand being the dragon reborn, reflecting on their friendship, and clearly missing him despite his insistences that rand is dangerous now and mat doesn’t want anything to do with him anymore. still, no actual interactions to sustain us. 4/10

the shadow rising: The Great Cauthor Roadtrip Part 2: Desert Edition. boy does this book feed us. mat feeling such a strong ta’veren pull to rand that he can’t even SAY he’s going to leave him, let alone actually leave. rand saving mat’s life in rhuidean by giving him mouth-to-mouth, and then the two of them having a solid Battle Couple moment. mat sitting quietly alone with rand all day after rand finds out about his birth parents, setting aside his uneasiness about rand’s channeling to be there for him when he needs him. and so many other wonderful moments, too many to list. 10/10

the fires of heaven: i think of this book as having cauthor bookends. the whole middle is devoid of cauthor, but their moments at the beginning and end are godtier. rand starts and ends the book by using balefire to save mat’s life. there is a whole chapter dedicated to mat telling rand he’s finally leaving (after which he does not actually leave, of course) and every second of it is iconic. mat lingers shaking rand’s hand thinking about how different his hand feels now than it used to before all the trauma started, and after mat leaves for what rand thinks is the last time, rand tells asmodean to play the saddest song he knows. they are both such angsty melodramatic bisexuals about each other in this book. 9/10

lord of chaos: we have only two cauthor interactions in this book, both brief and one just a flashback. both times rand displays trust in mat despite his growing suspicion of most other people, and both times mat worries about rand’s wellbeing in his narration and it’s clear he still cares for rand despite his uneasiness about who he’s becoming. good scenes, but scraps compared to the wealth of content we enjoyed in previous books. 5/10

a crown of swords: no cauthor interactions, but mat spends the whole book hanging out with rand’s girlfriends and proving himself a natural fit for the polycule. and the line “he had promised to keep [elayne] safe for rand. he had promised.” is so godtier that it singlehandedly gives this book a cauthor rating of 2/10

the path of daggers: mat isn’t even in this book and rand has almost no thoughts about him, but “‘mat’s alive,’ rand snarled. ‘i’d know if he was dead.’” is husband behavior for sure. 0.1/10

winter’s heart: “for some odd reason, [mat] felt sure he would know if rand died” more husband behavior! mat sees rainbows every time he thinks about rand and goes “okay i’m just gonna stop thinking about him” but literally Cannot. on rand’s end, he gets 1 point for wanting to see mat when he gets to caemlyn but loses that point for not being worried that mat never arrived in caemlyn or asking elayne and nynaeve what happened to him. 1/10

crossroads of twilight: mat and rand continue to see rainbows when they think about each other and also progress to having visions of what the other person is doing at the current moment, but this only happens once each and otherwise they do not think about each other. 0/10

knife of dreams: mat repeatedly has magical visions of rand having sex and is shook about it. he has such trouble Not Thinking About Rand that he has to institute a rule that no one is allowed to talk to him about rand. talmanes says with full confidence that mat can pay the band when rand gives him titles and estates, because he clearly believes that mat is rand’s sugar baby. no significant thoughts about mat on rand’s end. 1.5/10

the gathering storm: mat is worried about rand when he sees via magic vision that he’s lost a hand and looking kinda mad, and when he learns that verin has seen rand recently, his first question is whether rand is doing okay. rand learns that mat kidnapped the seanchan empress and says “well IF that’s true then he had a good reason because mat has done nothing wrong ever in his life” and proceeds to declare that mat is a good man and as solid a friend as anyone could ask for. and there are several other excellent crumbs on both sides. 3/10

towers of midnight: mat continues to struggle with Not Thinking About Rand, at one point so obviously that moiraine gives him a weird look and he blushes and gets flustered. rand includes mat in the list of loved ones who have helped him turn out well. 0.5/10

a memory of light: REUNITED AND IT FEELS SO GOOD except it actually doesn’t because their one scene together was so lackluster compared to all rand’s goodbye scenes with his other loved ones. however, mat saying “you can trust rand al’thor with the world itself” is the most romantic thing i’ve ever read in my entire life, and mat proudly flying rand’s banner and rushing to shayol ghul to protect him is also peak romance. also “your life is a gift from the dragon reborn, gambler” took me out, even the heroes of the horn ship cauthor. 4/10

Robert Jordan: and the four Wise Ones agreed that Rand can enter Rhuidean, fully clothed

Robert Jordan: then the women reluctantly agreed that Mat could go with him (in his clothes, obviously)

Robert Jordan: as an Aiel woman wielding the One Power, Aviendha was also expected to enter Rhuidean, NAKED, fOR thE rItUaL, because that's just how Aiel customs are, haha.

Robert Jordan: mOiRaInE pReSuMed sHE aLSo NEedED tO Go tO RHuiDEaN, sO sHe beGaN uNdOInG hER dReSs.

Me, the reader: ???

Robert Jordan: do you want to hear about how she walked through the desert naked and fainted into Lan's manly arms when she came back or not?

Me, the reader: sorry, sorry, please continue 👁️👁️

Wheel of Time book 3. Or, as I like to call it: Mattrim Cauthon's Funky Fresh Crime Spree