After Shoving Hansel In The Oven, The Witch Turns To Gretel - Who Is Currently Fending The Witch Off

After shoving Hansel in the oven, the witch turns to Gretel - who is currently fending the witch off with a gingerbread chair - and says:

“I can’t believe you thought a trail of breadcrumbs would save you. I mean, honestly, this is a forest! It’s full of animals. Honestly, the very idea that a dumb shit like you thought you could get the better of me is absurd.”

Gretel hits her in the face with said chair. To be fair to the witch, she takes the chairshot like a champ.

“Ow!”

“Did you know,” says Gretel, “that crows are capable of facial recognition?”

“Eh?” Says the witch, clambering to her feet and pulling a candy cane sledgehammer off the wall. “What’s that got to do with anything?”

“Not only that,” Gretel continues, “but they can remember both friends and enemies. And they’ll often follow people they remember as friends.”

The two fence with their sugared weapons for a moment, before the witch knocks the chair out of Gretel’s hands.

“Enough with the bird facts! Honestly, this whole attempted escape has been utter clownshoes. Get in the fucking oven!”

She seizes Gretel by the collar. Gretel immediately sandbags, letting her whole body go limp. This eminently practical defense forces the witch to try and deadlift her. Which is hard, as the witch often skips leg day.

“For example,” Gretel says, as the witch struggles and grunts, “if you feed crows a lot of breadcrumbs, they’ll probably start to see you as a friend and follow you in the hope of more food.”

The witch stops. Outside, she hears the thunder of wings.

“They’ll even bring you shiny things they find as presents!” Says Gretel, as a corner of the gingerbread ceiling is suddenly cut away by a large crow with a knife in its mouth.

“Oh shitballs.” Says the witch, as the crows descend. “I hope you know this is a great unkindness.”

“Technically,” Says Gretel, “It’s a murder.”

just had to block & report four bots... do they like me

Hanukkah PSA for reptile owners!

Hanukkah is almost upon us (woohoo!), so I wanted to give a quick reminder to all my fellow Jewish reptile keepers to avoid lighting candles in the same room as a reptile!

Even the smoke from small Hanukkah candles can be very dangerous for reptiles, especially hatchlings and juveniles. Reptiles can't cough, so any smoke they breathe in stays in their lungs and can cause respiratory illness very quickly. It's less dangerous on the first night when you've only got two candles going, but by night eight, it can be a recipe for disaster! This is true if you have an oil-based chanukkiah, too!

To keep your pet reptiles safe and healthy, make sure you always light your chanukkiah in another part of the house, and keep your reptiles out of the room while your Hanukkah candles are burning.

!חג אורים שמח

list of things i am tired from:

1. drawing on my phone

2. plain toasts

3. chronic pain

4. tea getting cold

tumblr is like surving in a midst of a zombie swarm lately *loads a gun, shots a name-surname-numbers account*

Types Of People As My Dream Jobs

Late Night Radio Speaker

Ungodly amounts of empty coffee cans

Soft neon lights

Dark circles under eyes

Probably doesn’t know what morning is

Humming to a 90s grunge song

Spinning in a chair is a sport

Has lots of random knowledge

Sarcasm oozes with every word

Ghost hunting Youtubers

Beanie

Big backpack

Utility vest/jacket

It’s always takeout time

Loves the aesthetic of motels

Very enthusiastic and passionate

Gets scared easily but never admits it

Can fall asleep anywhere

Can’t live without social media

FBI agent on paranormal cases

Messy hair

Pen in the ear/hair

Stacks of paper everywhere

Coffee circles on everything

Driven

A bit paranoid

Reads a lot

Has a chaotic file system that still works

Charismatic

Very understanding

Always tired

Fortune Teller/Witch

Herbs everywhere

Collection of mason jars

Always has a deck of tarot cards

Flowing hair

Oversized black clothes

Cozy home

Mysterious smile

Laughter lines

Soft gaze

Dark nail polish

Bold makeup

Always smells of cinnamon

Probably digs up dirt at cemeteries

Mechanic

Short hair

Owns nothing but flannel

Band tees and denim

Reads lots of sci-fi

Always tinkers on something

Their laptop is their life

Big ambitions

Gave up on school but is still very good at academics

Prides themselves on their tool collection

Dust on their hands

Journalist for a paranormal paper

Circle glasses

Pencil skirts/fitted trousers

Dress shirts worn half untucked

Sketches for fun

Just wants to find the truth

Tried not to swear but still does

Collects little trinkets

Loves cafes

Works best at night

Unorganized email inbox

Duffel bag in the backseat

Original poster : @local-occult-enthusiast