Nothing Better Than Killing Yourself At The End Of A Stressful Day

nothing better than killing yourself at the end of a stressful day

I just finished reading “Cosette” The Sequel to Les Miserables” by Laura Kalpakian. For those who do not know, this book is basically a 650-page (kinda shitty) fanfic that somehow was published as a real, purchasable book sometime in the 1990′s. Here are some of my favorite moments:

A quote from Javert: “Republican scum like you can’t overthrow the king of France. One day more and you’ll piss blood. I’ll meet you in hell.”

A quote from Valjean: “She is seventeen, too young to be in love. She is a child. This Marius, he is nothing to her. She wanted a puppy once and I said no and she got over it.”

Enjolras scrambles to the top of the barricade and just….screams SHIT!

For some reason in the whole barricade part in the beginning Combeferre is the ami that gets the most attention

The only amis that are mentioned are: Combeferre, Enjolras, Feuilly, and Courfeyrac. The only ami that gets mentioned beyond the 1832 barricade section is Feuilly because of the whole “vivent les peuples!” thing written on the wall of the Musain. Which, btw, the author always writes as “vive les peuples!”

Actually the author made up some OCs in the barricade section so there could be some barricade survivors for Marius and Cosette to interact with later in the book

“You will hang by your cock in hell.”

For some reason whenever Jean Valjean is mentioned in the first portion of the book, he is described as having large, powerful hands

Cosette had no sex education and so on her wedding night she asked Marius to teach her. And he just gestures to her boobs and says “this is a nipple.” It is the only thing he vocally says to her and then he is kissing her boobs and they go at it. I kid you not this is the big amazing wedding sex scene and the most notable line is “this is a nipple”

Remember the whole absolutely no sex education thing? Well they somehow have amazing sex all night long regardless

Azelma is the main antagonist in the book. Also she is ALWAYS referred to as Zelma. I don’t know where the A went. It’s gone forever I guess.

A quote from Thenardier: “I am one of those holy men. I can walk in shit, sit in shit, sleep in shit, eat shit, drink shit, and still my turds come out in perfect golden bricks.”

Marius regularly goes to prison like it’s a casual thing that happens often which is an inconvenience but you know what are ya gonna do

Marius and Cosette raise the biggest asshole of a son there is literally nothing redeeming about him

Azelma ‘Zelma’ Thenardier literally fucked Louis-Napoleon and had a child with him.

She named the child Eponine.

Azelma feels like she needs to take revenge against Cosette for the whole Marius thing and she basically uses her daughter Eponine II to fulfill that, as if ensuring Eponine II is successful will make ghost Eponine happy

Speaking of Eponine II there is an entire subplot where Azelma manages to force the son of Cosette and Marius to marry Eponine II……because she felt that her sister Eponine should have married Marius……..so like, by marrying her daughter Eponine to a Pontmercy she’s fulfilling some kind of lost destiny shit. And also taking revenge against Cosette. Azelma is really freaky in this okay

Cosette disguises herself as an old beggar due to a mixture of political and economic reasons and calls herself “the plumed lark” when she is in her disguise. Weirdest superhero ever amiright

Marius sneaks out of prison dressed up as the plumed lark

THERE IS A SEX SCENE THAT TAKES PLACE WITH ONE PERSON HIDDEN UNDERNEATH A HOOP SKIRT

i am not fucking with you. “this is a nipple” is probably the most iconic part of the book

Ok you know what I was recently traumatised by The Straights and now I’m back on my “canon doesn’t work if Remus and Sirius are straight” soapbox.

Do you think my straight dude bro RJ Lupin is ashamed of the fact that he was friends with a mass murderer?? He literally tells everyone about it as his Fun Fact. He tells Harry so much about his definitely not homoerotic friendship with both his father and his father’s killer that the poor kid is actually begging him to stop talking forever. (He still doesn’t tell anyone about the Animagus thing though. Just wouldn’t be chill to betray a homie like that.)

And do you think the heterosexual icon Sirius Black is teaming up with a feral orange cat instead of his best buddy?? He’s showing up at Remus’s office like “bruh BRUH, come on you know it wasn’t me. I’m Man’s Best Friend. Pete is a rat. Connect the dots, bro.”

And Remus hugs him so very straightly, not even in a brotherly way, no, this is one of those one-arm, patting the back hugs. And do you know what they decide is the best course of action from here? A dramatic gay murder plot, perhaps? Of course not. They’re going to disguise Sirius as a woman and pretend he’s Remus’s girlfriend.

But of course everyone (Snape) is suspicious, so Remus is like “if this was Sirius Black, would I do this??” And then they start passionately making out and… ah fuck. Couldn’t contain the gay. We’ll try again next year.

I love how every time Valjean appears, he’s described as appearing “sad” or having “an air of sadness.” Every random stranger, whether they know Valjean as Madeleine or Leblanc or Fauchelevent, is just like “that man is an unbearably sad beast.”

Rehearsals of Les Mis. They are so cute!

Sirius, thinking of Remus: It's not gay to have like...fantasies about another dude, right?

Remus, thinking of Sirius: Erm...no. Definitely not. As long as you don't... act on it.

James, thinking of Regulus: Yeah, no, it's.... completely straight.

Peter:

Peter: No, that's really fucking gay.