I Used To Think That As Long As I Repent, And Pray And Read Quran I'll Be Okay No Matter How Much I Mindlessly

I used to think that as long as I repent, and pray and read Quran I'll be okay no matter how much I mindlessly sin. Because as long as I keep coming back I'll be okay. But what I also realised is that the more I engaged in sin the less I was able to sincerely turn to Allah in repentance because sin became a mindless activity. I became less aware that I was sinning and it slowly became a routine. I started praying less and even if I was able to pray all five prayers- they were filled with less and less Khushu and remembrance of Allah and thus stopped giving me peace and became more of a burden. Likewise, reading and listening to the Quran stopped giving me joy and tranquility and I dreaded picking it up at times.

And that's when I realised that you can't fill your heart with things other than Allah and expect to feel the sweetness of imaan. The closer you get to Allah, the easier it becomes to leave sin. But you have to take the first step- because if you don't, then the deen of Allah will sit like a heavy weight on your chest and you will never get to feel it's beauty and serenity.

I don’t understand how people say mean things so easily lol like someone could have spent years learning to love themselves and you say something and take them back to square one with just a few words

maybe life is all about waking up every day and trying to learn how to appreciate the beauty of the world without allowing the ugliness of everything that has happened to me in the past to interfere with it

If all women with a bit of modesty would know about the fitrah of men and what is going on inside their minds, they would not show infront of them a bit of skin, or even raise their voices infront of (non-mahram) men. Women are and always will be the greatest fitnah for men.

Julien Baker, Relative Fiction