Xxv.a: Destroyer,

xxv.a: Destroyer,

I walk from The Over Garden to The City streets, Ein stood upon my shoulder and nibbled my ear, I waved him off, Damn … you certainly are a hungry little fucker aren't yah? *Squeak* yeah yeah … here you go. I handed him what was left of his little granola bar, he seemed content. Now … into the bustling streets again, passing down the heavily populated street,  the noise the traffic the mere presence of it all, was overbearing … again … but not as bad as it was, not for me at least, Ein started to freak out and put his face in his hands to cover his eyes and ears, I opened the sack top and he scurried into the bag in a hurry. Sorry, Ein … didn't really think much on how The City would affect you. Apologies. I walk down the street and realize I am much closer to The Imps apartment than I had previously thought, it was strange maybe to me alone … but you see … The Imp with all of her faults, baggage, terrible cooking, inability to take care of herself, general lack of knowledge on anything mechanical especially with maintenance of such things, horrible if not downright terrifying merging skills while driving with the inability to use a blinker, the almost offensive way she sorts her silverware and cutlery while never doing the dishes Ever! The way she pronounces museum as mu-zay-um, how she is terribly smart but cannot plan anything for shit (Even weeks in advance) making very arbitrary/illogical life choices pretty much weekly AND … she was probably the least organized person ever … she was … chaos incarnate. She was … really amazing when you got to know her. But, despite all of the previous, she was probably the most hard-working/talented person I knew, she was quite successful (Despite her moronic attempts to say otherwise) she ironically in a way, carefully prepared and organized a life built on her passions … and damn is it hard to not go slack-jawed looking at all she's accomplished. She wasn't just some nepo-baby that kind of coasted their way to the top or to a successful position either … back in the day, The Imp would work two jobs and side hustle working music venues, playing even against the tide of boos and shit little comments from hecklers of origin no one cares of. She was … unforgettable … she had struggled for years and years, getting kicked around, abused, and abandoned … she like I and really all like-minded individuals that coast to my shores, were Trauma Born … life being easy and especially happy, was not written in her contract on life, if anything … the opposite. During early life, she had struggled in a home that was cracked and splitting, yet never did, constantly at odds with fearing her life would be instantly uprooted and everything evaporated, to everything being stable and forgetting any war had taken place. Trusting people was hard because for her she had to constantly wonder when the air/tension would just change, she naturally and slowly had built a wall around herself out of defense … one that had been broken down by some … only for them to light fire inside and leave her to deal with the damage/regret. She was defensive, protective, and aggressive, especially when claiming/defending any social ground made in her life, especially for people and loved ones. Back before my grand shatter and sink to the bottom of The Sea of Nightmares, and before The Imp had left for college, we were strongly knitted together, she was basically a General in my grand torturous army, or me in hers, didn't matter really … We were two hatred bound aggravated dark creatures lurking and assaulting any and all that couldn't take the heat of our brutality … we crushed people practically for a living, for fun. She was always enamored by my domination and control of situations where I should have had none in, she was always curious and loved to see me at work when it came to dismantling someone, both physically and or mentally … little did I know exactly how far the curiosity/admiration would go and as for why till later. But she and I were ... [To Be Continued]

xxv.f: Destroyer, then watched as he sneezed, burped, and hiccupped all at the same time ... I played with him and put the collar around him, which he seemed not to mind much … time passes and dinner had been made, The Imp brings me a plate, sits next to me and turns on some random internet video over her TV “SCP-096 Documentary” and we begin to eat the Thai scallop sauté mixed with soft white rice and steamed broccoli covered in light dabs of soy sauce. “So … are you … ok?” Loaded question really “It's not supposed to be … ” well, I mean … I'm alive and still kickin ain't I? I'd say that's pretty good, wouldn't you? “*sigh* Stop … dodging the question. Come on … please?” *sigh* yeah … I'm ok, for the most part … just adjusting to a lot, trying to figure out more or less where I stand. “Where you stand? I hope you know, we're good … I care for you and I know you care for me, so you don't have to think, at least for me … that you're on the rocks or not important … I think about you more or less every day, at least once … so you know.” I had no doubts on us, or about you … and … Thank you, you mean a lot to me as well … especially now more than ever, you're important in ways I'd never be able to express to you Imp, not easily at least, especially with … my past transgressions and idiotic mistakes towards you, sorry again for it all btw, never meant to hurt you, just wanted to protect myself and others. *a smile and eyes as big as an Olympic swimming pool grew on her face* “Heheee! … Well … I … I-i don't really know what to say. I never expected … didn't think it possible for you to apologize to me … at least not the Red I used to know … and I get it you know, I'm sure you'd understand more than anyone what it's like to be treated as a monster or a threat … especially when in reality … you're just trying to love. I understand why you did what you did, I'd probably do the same if I was in the same situation, and had similar fears. It's ok, I forgive you.” Thank you … truly. I still feel responsible, however, a debt that must be repaid. “You weren't at fault … do you remember what you told me years ago at the lake? When we all gathered around for The Jesters' birthday party?” Um … I don't, no, what was it? “Never save those truths from the heart for a rainy day, lest you'll drown in regret … speak to everyone worth a damn” “like they're You” … anything other than that … is a shitty mask, keeping you from seeing what's really going on in the moment. “Yep! You got it … I thought about that for years, especially during college, there were plenty of times I just … would put on a mask or persona, and just kind of pretend I was something or someone I wasn't … every time I recognized that, I remembered that. I tried to just, stop and switch back to what I wanted to say/do and just move on … it helped a lot … thank you.” Thank you for telling me, what was your greater point to all that though? I don't follow sorry. “It's not your fault what you did … I think you maybe put on a mask because you didn't honestly remember how to deal with inner group conflict … and in the end … it ended up hurting me yes, but not because you were purposely doing so, or at least, not in a way that I know you were trying to … you as you said, were just trying to protect. You just forgot/maybe got caught up in the whole situation and made a few rash decisions. I mean … am I right?” You're absolutely right … I hadn't even honestly thought of it like that before, partially because I feel more or less like I'm not immune, but more so … less prone to those types of situations, it's hard to accept honestly, the realization that I slipped … part of that “adjusting” I was talking about … need to learn how I ticked … need to reestablish the order of operations and become … Old … again … haha, if that crazy nonsense even makes sense ... [To Be Continued]

xxiv.d: Recompile, that look like hospital doors that were not there before … I say ok, and walk to the doors, and step through … where I'm now in a small doctor's room. I go and sit up on one of those examination bed things that are typically in family doctor's offices … I waited for about 10 mins then … a doctor came in, she didn't seem off or perturbed by anything … she sat down in her bar-like rolling seat and started entering data into her computer, then she walked over and said “You've been malfunctioning again … we're gonna need to probably put you back on the medication” What? What medication … my Narcolepsy Meds? “We'll start you with a higher dose this time, then gradually lean you off when we've seen significant progress” Wait, wait … hold on what medication? Why am I hear? “*Sigh* hey just remember something would you?” Huh? “Someone thinks they can shelve you and come back later … someone thinks you have to be contained and conquered … someone is truly after your heart … don't fuck up and let the first two ruin your life, just deny, take what you've learned and try and remember what you lost … then … do what you do best.” What I do best? ... A Loud bang filled my ears, the lights went out, and then … I woke up … it was morning and cold, the fire went out clearly … there was something on my face? little feets? I jolt up … and flying off of me was a little Baby Racoon … Oh? Sorry buddy … didn't mean to scare you … he reminded me of the little raccoons I used to feed next to my old workplace after hours by the dumpsters, he reeled back and hissed, I raised my hand up palm down facing the little guy … Woah woah … hey calm now … I reached into my little burlap bag I found late last night while gathering fire supplies. I grab out a little granola bar and open it, offering it to him … he calms himself and his hair which was all stood up, starts to fall … he slowly approaches me … takes a sniff, and then with his tiny hands grabs a little bite-sized bunch of granola and started to chow down while keeping his vision affixed on me. I slowly sit down … and offer up more and more, he slowly gets closer and closer until he is resting in my lap … he was only about the size of my hand, I slowly pet him while he nibbles and chows down … [To Be Continued]

xxiv.e: Recompile, I slowly pet him while he nibbles and chows down … he started to pur … the world felt … better. I said, well … guess it's Me, Hope … and now You little buddy … we got lots to do, I don't even really have a full plan worked out yet but … I promise to think of something. He looked up at me while open-mouth smacking and winked … Haha, got it buddy … What should I call you? He kept eating, not batting an eye … hmm … maybe … Case? Nah … unless you're capable of net-running cyberspace … are you? He looks at me while holding a chunk of granola in his hand… *Squeak* … I'll take that as no … hmm, you like … Marty? *No Response* ok well … damn wish I was better at this … how about … Ein? His little ears popped up and tilted his head all the way back as to look at me directly with curiosity. Oh!? Well hello there Ein! I grab one of his little paws with my thumb and pointer finger as to shake his hand … Guess it's settled then … now if only we could get The Cazbium back, we'd probably be a couple of space cowboys now wouldn't we. I go to stand placing him on the ground near the campfire … I grab some twine and a linen strip I scavenged, fasten it through some holes I made in the bag to make straps … quickly turn my burlap sack into a burlap backpack, tie another twine around the top of the bag to secure the opening as well to close the top so nothing falls out. As I walked around gathering the little supplies I could gather up, Ein followed me everywhere, frantically sprinting to my feet wherever they may be placed next. Finished gathering everything, leaned down picked up Ein, and placed him on top of the back of my bag … he immediately raised his two front paws and rested them on my right shoulder, as if to look over it. Ok Ein! time we get going, gotta stop somewhere first however … gotta see if that Imp is up to no good, and to make sure she's fucking eating properly … as well talk over the past a little, need to understand what I lack most from the past, figure out what shade I should seek first. I reach over and scratch his little head, and then … I set off … to find ... The Imp.

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xxiv.c: Recompile, I yell for him to climb up my arm … he tries and slips, I grab his forearm in panic and pure instinct … he starts to slowly slip more and more down to my hand … he says … “God PLEASE … PLEASE I DON'T WANNA …” He slipped out of my hand and disappeared into the depths below… I stare in disbelief and shock at what just happened … I then snap out of my quick little trance, then go to stand, I grab onto the railing and shuffle and struggle walk towards the stairs leading up to the helm with the captain. I make my way up the stairs… and look over to my left, where this Black Beard looking figure was pointing and yelling around and at sailors, as to direct them in what to be doing, I walk up towards him, and in his madness and chaos … his gaze crosses me for a mere glance … then his eyes dart right back to me and all the color and expression leaves his face … then a terrified shock pours over him … he raises his arm and says to me “n-no … it can't be you … y-you died years ago” I yelled HUH?? Then the storm picked up again, I start to stumble and then BOOM lighting hits the back of the ship … knocking loose the rope that tied down the main boom … it came swinging with great force straight for me at a slight downward angle … it SLAMS right into my abdomen carrying me straight to the edge of the ship … busting right through the railing launching me overboard, I watched as the top of the shit grew in distance and my arms flailed in the wind of the fall … then boom … my back slammed into the rocky cold seas and then … darkness … I thought, was I dead? THEN LIGHT … I awoke … springing straight up with great force and speed from a resting position to a sitting position … OHH … What the Fucking FUCK!! ... I look around … I'm … I'm in a bathtub? Filled with blood, I'm covered in … blood, head to toe. I look at my arms and hands as they are covered in blood, so much so … some starts to drip off onto my lap. I look to my right and notice the curtain is fully drawn, I grab the edge and pull it open … it's a bathroom from a previous house … I stand up and step out of the tub, open the cabinet as to grab a towel … it was completely empty … great. I went to open the door and walk out into the hall … but … it was … it wasn't my house hallway… it was the hallway with its drab walls and flooring, I walked out from one of the doors in the wall … I walk out into the center of the hall … look all the way right down the hall … then all the way left down the hall … both just lead on infinitely into a black void. Then I hear a loud bang from behind me? I turned around quickly, the door to the bathroom had slammed shut? I go to open the door again … it was … locked… … … I … was speechless … I walk backwards to the center of the hall … turn to my right and start to just … walk … I walked and walked and walked… until then, I came across an intersection in the hall, an opening to a slightly larger room on the left side of the hall … it had a desk and a few lounge chairs against the wall with a little table with magazines … I walk over and pick up a magazine … soaking it with blood … it said on the front cover “Family, Friends … Rehab … your journey starts with Ascension” I put the magazine down. I looked towards the desk and there someone was, a woman dressed in an old-timey nurse outfit with stains all over … I walked up to the desk and she just stared looking straight forward at the upper wall in the oak desk … she had this … fucking god-awful gleaming smile … and bulging eyes … Hello? ... can you help me please? I don't really know what's going on, haha. No response … uh hey! *I wave my hand in front of her face* still nothing … then I noticed a little sign in front of a bell that read “Ring for Service” … … … I think, it's worth a shot … so I ring the bell and INSTANTLY Her head twitches to face me and she says “The Dr will see you right away … Just go in through the doors on the right please!” I look to my right and there now are two double doors that look like hospital doors that were not there before … [To Be Continued]

xxv.g: Destroyer, haha, if that crazy nonsense even makes sense ... “Yeah I understand, and you may have slipped … but you've regained or never really lost, that part of you I've always known, which was your honesty and ability to fess up your mistakes … but why so hell-bent though on acquiring those old memories and way of things, even in the name of rebuilding? Aren't they the reasons you kind of collapsed in the first place? Would it not be too dangerous trying to gather all of that, I mean you're basically risking everything every time you regain a shade, and the more you get the less … Good … shades that'll be available for you … your risk to reward ratio … well it'll become more and more unbalanced as you go on” Yeah in a way, they were responsible, they built a path that lead to the shatter, and yeah … it'll only become more and more of a shit show as I progress further. But, I have to do something, gotta keep moving forward, I have nothing else to do otherwise, except live in regret and rot … I feel like an outsider to my own life as it stands now, a mere guest in this house, and I remember looking back through memory, the power I held over my own life, that I seriously lack now … I just don't know how I acquired that presence I had when I walked around, and how that made people talk to me, when I try to go mimic what I did in the past now … it just … fails hard, I get weird looks or get called an asshole or insensitive, I just make things awkward, etc … it's all just … wrong. “You are different … I know and see it, but” *She turned towards me, put her right hand on top of my left, that was resting on the couch* “I'm very content with who I'm talking to … you don't have to become … yourself, again … for me or anyone else to love or respect you. I also would much rather you be who you are now … if that means you'll stay safe.” *I start to feel my heart rush a little* I can feel her hand in more detail … soft, warm, and so damn light, feels strange, and so different from the gut puncher from earlier … guess this was partially why I liked The Imp … [To Be Continued]